02/06/AC205
I have my cross back.
Heero stopped by yesterday to help us clear up after Saturday's party and left it on my dresser for me, complete with not only a new chain, but also a spare, in case the same thing happens again. Not that it's likely to, since Heero, being Heero, bought probably the highest quality chain he could find that wasn't too big to fit through the bale. That guy always has to overdo things.
It's kind of odd, though, that it took him so long. I mean, in general, he's just so incredibly efficient it's not true.
Ah, well. Doesn't really matter. I knew my cross was safe with him. Probably even safer than with me. He understands how important it is.
I wish he'd let me pay him back. He won't though. Never does. You'd think, what with that 'one for one' code of his, that he'd allow for the same in others. But no. He always has to be better than me. I always have to end up owing him something. Every time I start to believe that I've finally managed become his equal--when he lets me see some of his private work not intended for publication, when he consults me before making a decision, when I show him a little bit of beauty he's never seen before, when I alter the way he views the world to make his vision just a little more like mine--whatever I do, he always finds some way to outdo me.
Sometimes he makes all my struggles seem like so much nothing.
I know that's just depression--when I feel that I'm worthless next to him--but it doesn't exactly help that he's so fucking perfect all the time.
I shouldn't have let him do so many things for me in the first place. I want to be his equal, not his charity case. But sometimes, I get these moments where I just can't refuse him.
Funny... he said something similar about me.
It was at the party.
Heh. The party. I was going to describe that in detail today, but I got a bit sidetracked thinking about Heero...
But there's always tomorrow. Not to worry.
Anyway, this happened pretty soon after the dancing got started. Heero, as expected, danced once with Hilde and myself, then skulked off to a corner to hide. And that's where I found him. Hidden in the shadows, and glaring so hard at an empty wine glass that I wouldn't have been particularly surprised if it had exploded. With a little luck, some of the shards might have buried themselves in the pugnacious woman in the yellow-spotted dress, who had spent all of twenty minutes trying to get me to introduce her to the 'famous writer gentleman,' who she mistakenly believed was Rob, an old friend from the sweeper group who just happened to be passing through.
Unfortunately, though, instead of the wine glass exploding, the 'famous writer gentleman' (the real one, not Rob) grunted, and indicated for me to follow him to somewhere we could talk. Since the bedroom was full of coats, and the whole of the rest of the house was full of guests, we ended up out on the street.
It was actually kind of nice, alone together, out in the quiet, with semi-fresh air blowing our bangs in our eyes so that we kept having to sweep them out of the way, and the occasional car zooming by noisily, leaving a trail of dust and exhaust that made me want to choke. It may not sound it, but it was.
Nice.
So I decided that the best thing to do would be to completely ruin the moment.
"Heero, what the hell were you doing? You can't just stand in the shadows grimacing like that! Not at a party! Not at my party! Why can't you have a little fun once in a while?"
He sighed, and looked away. I guess he hoped that I would just drop it. But I never did learn to be wise.
"Heero! Look at me!"
So he did.
"Heero, you shouldn't be so sulky all the time, it's not good for you!" I am aware that this must have sounded very silly, but at the time, I didn't notice. I'm not sure Heero did either. He looked at me somewhat sadly, although there was a smile in his eyes.
"I'm not sulking now." The soft voice again. The third time that month. Pretty rare, for him to use it that often--rare for him to feel that strongly and actually talk about it. But for some reason, it didn't touch me that night. I suppose what with everything that had been happening, I was too worked up to be much affected by anything.
"Funny, Heero.
"I thought we talked about this." I think my voice was pretty harsh by then. I definitely wanted to hurt him, anger him, make him feel, and strongly. I'd forgotten that I was supposed to be persuading him to be friendly with the guests, not getting him into a mood. At any rate, I succeeded at both, at least to some extent. And ended up wondering why I had wished for such things.
"Duo, we did talk about it. And I said I would turn up. I did not say I would do anything more." The soft voice was gone.
Heero doesn't shout when he gets angry. Doesn't stamp his foot, or get violent, or even clench his fists.
Heero has control.
He just goes all... hard, and I can't touch him any more, can't find a way to hurt him.
But he can hurt me. He can always find a way to hurt me.
And the worst part is, I know--I know that when he gets like that, not only does he hurt other people... inside, he also hurts himself. Badly... but not as badly as the knowledge of it hurts me.
He was like that then--after I lost my temper with him, he lost his temper with me. That's the way it works.
"You're a real bastard, Heero, you know that don't you?"
He shrugged, as if to say, 'your opinion means nothing to me.'
"Well then, if you're really so apathetic, Perfect Soldier, you won't mind dancing with your long time friend, Natalie Fox."
He shrugged again. "Fine."
He walked inside, leaving me screaming silently into the fake moonlight.
Idiot.
And then, for a second, he was back by my side, exuding so much warmth that for a second I thought I must have imagined the fight. That happy illusion was brushed away when he spoke, only to be replaced by something better.
"I'm sorry."
My mouth dropped open. Could all his anger really have faded so quickly?
He put a hand on my shoulder, and smiled.
"Don't worry, I'll dance with her--I always end up doing whatever you want..."
That last part was spoken so softly, I don't know that he intended me to hear it. I think it was pretty obvious that I had, though. He shook his head, ruefully, and looked at the ground. "I...
"Sorry."
And then, once again, he was gone.
I hadn't spoken a word, hadn't even returned the apology.
And I couldn't help but wonder if it had all been a dream.
Idiot.
End Part 4
(:./psyche/best4)
