August 2001
Warnings: AU, fluff, yaoi, lemon-scented, slight Relena-bashing
Disclaimers: I don't own Gundam Wing or The Crocodile Hunter, or any of the characters from them. This was written for the enjoyment of me and my friends and is not for profit. And Steve, if you're reading this - please don't hunt me down! It was meant as a joke, really!!! And besides, Kwycksylver made me!!
[scene fades in, showing Steve with a new bandage around his head to match the one still on his hand]
Steve: We left that pair alone after our last encounter, as the safety of our film crew is always paramount.
Terri: Although we didn't catch either of the pairs we saw, we did get some rare footage, and scientific data is always valuable.
Steve: Now, we've manage to pull off something that's almost impossible, given the rarity of the bishounen we're tracking... We've found another Asiatic Fighting Bish! Check this out!
[scene cuts to forest glade, where a slender young man with smooth golden skin and a tight black ponytail is moving swiftly yet deliberately through a series of graceful movements. He is wearing only a pair of loose white pants and a serene expression. His muscles tense and relax as he flows through each position. Although his eyes are closed, he does not stumble on the uneven ground]
Steve [voiceover]: Now, this one seems to be alone, and is probably a little safer to approach because of it. He wouldn't want to scare away everything that comes near in case it might be a potential partner. We can see here that he is performing some sort of mating display. Beautiful, isn't it? Such power, look at those muscles! Whoa, I wouldn't want to tangle with him!
[camera pulls back to show Steve with another net]
Steve [whispering]: I know, I'm crazy. But that bish is alone, and likely to remain that way unless we can get him to a breeding facility. So here goes nothing!
[Steve charges forward, flinging the net. Several other crew members rush to help him. The bish whirls and dives for one side of the clearing, rolling and coming up with a gleaming sabre in his hand. The net flies true and lands over top of him, only to be sliced to pieces with a sinuous pass of the sword. The next few moments are punctuated by grunts and cries of pain as the Fighting Bish lives up to his name and levels the crew with several well- placed kicks and punches]
[the bish turns towards the camera, a look of annoyance in his snapping black eyes]
[there is a whuff of compressed air, and the feathered end of a tranquillizer dart suddenly appears in the side of the bish's neck]
[Terri steps into view, holding the tranq gun ready]
Asiatic Fighting Bish #2 [muttering]: Dishonourable onna!
[the graceful form wobbles, the dark eyes roll up, and the bish slumps to the ground]
Steve [half groaned]: Nice shot, babe!
[scene cuts to Steve, with yet another bandage, this one around his ribs. Terri, looking happy, and Relena, looking eager, are beside him. In the background is a road; an archway over it reads "Australia Zoo"]
Steve: Well, Miss Peacecraft, our expedition was successful. We didn't capture a pair of wild bishes, but we did bring back a rarity...
[Relena leans forward, nodding, her eyes sparkling]
[in the background, a metallic blue convertible zips through the entrance]
Steve: ...an Asiatic Fighting Bish!
[Relena almost swoons with joy. Her eyelids flutter and her hand goes to her heart. She is smiling radiantly]
[behind her, the blue sports car pulls up and parks beside a huge pink Cadillac. The driver's door opens]
Steve: He's a feisty little beauty - he broke three cages on the way back! [the camera abruptly zooms in and focusses on the driver getting out of the convertible]
Relena (voiceover): Yes, he's very strong... um... at least... I'm sure he must be... because... because all Asiatic Fighting Bishes are...
[long, lean legs in white pants leading into slender hips, a trim waist and muscular chest hugged by a vibrant red Tshirt, the elegant neck sweeping up to the face of a Norse God, long platinum hair swinging as he paces forward, icy blue eyes staring straight into the camera...]
[the view suddenly jerks back to Steve and Relena, zooming out when all that can be seen is Steve's left eyebrow]
Terri: We've had to keep him sedated to this point - but he should be almost over it by now.
[camera follows Steve and Terri as they walk off to the side, to a large canvas sheet hung over some sort of frame. Footsteps and voices can be heard close by but off camera]
[low, husky voice, quiet and intense]: Relena, you can't seriously be thinking of keeping him locked up in a cage!! He's not an animal - you can't treat him like one!
Relena [earnestly]: This is for his own good.
[Steve and Terri reach their goal and split apart, each going to one end of the canvas sheet]
[low husky voice]: His good? He seemed happy as he was. And he wasn't harming anyone.
Relena [still earnest, but with a touch of petulance]: He just needs to be shown how it should be. He'll understand then. It's just that he's never had a chance to appreciate the kind of life he should be leading.
[Steve and Terri each reach up and grab hold of a rope hanging down]
[low husky voice]: I cannot in good conscience let you do this!
Relena: Do not think to oppose me, Ze- Mil- ooh, whatever you're calling yourself these days!
[Relena stalks forward into view as Steve and Terri pull on their ropes. The sheet falls away, revealing a sunken enclosure filled with grass and trees. The second Asiatic Fighting Bish is leaning against a tree, looking slightly dazed. He is still wearing only his white pants]
Relena [blankly]: But that's not Heero... [she stands frozen, her face a picture of incomprehension, one finger still pointing]
[the low husky voice laughs softly off camera]
Steve: What a little beauty!
Terri: You must be very proud, Miss Peacecraft, to know that your efforts to save the wild bishounen have had such immediate results!
Relena [looking ill]: Yes... yes of course.
[Steve and Terri move to stand on either side of Relena and launch into their closing remarks regarding conservation and what the viewer can do to help, but their words fade into the background as the camera once again focusses on the tall blond, who has walked forward to lean over the wall of the bish enclosure]
Asiatic Fighting Bish #2 [heard faintly over the closing remarks]: Come to gloat, have you?
[the blond shakes his head slightly, then leans down and picks up a water hose coiled neatly by the wall.]
Tall Gorgeous Blond With The Sexy Voice: You look thirsty. [he extends the hose down into the enclosure]
[the bish eyes his benefactor warily for a moment, then walks slowly and carefully and not quite steadily over to reach up and grab the offered hose]
[the tall blond leans over and turns on the tap slightly, just enough to send a gentle stream of cool water through the tube.]
[the bish drinks deeply. When he is finished, he looks up again at the blond. He inclines his head slightly in thanks, and the blond man smiles. After a moment, the bish smiles back, a bit wolfishly.]
[the blond man leans down again and turns off the tap, taking a moment to loop the hose securely around the metal water pipe. Then he smiles one last time at the bish, turns, and saunters back towards his car]
[the angle of the scene changes, as the camera moves and zooms out to keep the blond man in view. Steve, Terri and Relena turn automatically to face the moving camera, still talking, or in Relena's case, smiling painfully.]
[behind them, a sleek golden form clad in white climbs up the anchored hose and over the wall. The escaping bishounen pauses, glaring at the oblivious three, but then casts a glance at the blond man, who is almost to his car by now. With a final fierce look, the Fighting Bish turns and sprints noiselessly for the convertible.]
[the camera zooms in again. The blond man turns at the last moment as the bish launches himself into the air. They tangle in a flurry of limbs and hair, flipping neatly over the side of the car into the back seat. For a moment, only the long legs of the blond can be seen, feet flexing slowly into toe-curling arcs]
[the blond reappears, hair all tousled, and crawls into the driver's seat, grinning slightly, eyes alight. He starts the car and backs out. Just as he shifts into forward gear again, golden arms wrap around his shoulders from behind and a dark head lowers to the side of his neck. His head tilts sideways a bit, and the car leaps forward, zipping through the gate and out into the world beyond]
[scene fades to black]
Epilogue
"Hn. You should have let me destroy those tapes," a voice said flatly.
"Hah! And miss all the extra footage? No way! Especially after all the trouble we went to stealing them..."
"I have to admit it was rather... stimulating," a low husky voice interjected. "I hadn't seen the... mmmm... the kata practice before... oh... yes... there..."
"Mmmhmm... and I had not seen your arrival at the... zoo," the last word was pronounced with extreme distaste.
A light tenor laugh was quickly muffled. "Sorry! Well, I liked all of it, even if it wasn't exactly comfortable at the time! Being wrapped in camel blankets on a hot day is not my favourite activity! What do you think, love?"
After a thoughtful pause, a quiet voice summed up the evening's entertainment.
"Encore."
Owari
(:./wingnut/bishunter3)
