14-Sep-2004
Title: Nothing Left To Weather - 3/5?
Author: tkmaxwell777
Category: Shonen Ai/Yaoi
Pairings: 1+2/1x2, past 2xH
Rating: NC-17
Warnings (Overall): Angst, Duo POV, Language, Lemon, and Sap
Archived: Yep! www.gwaddiction.com
TK Maxwell Original Christian and Yaoi Fiction at: http://writing.com/authors/tkmaxwell
Disclaimer: I don´t own Gundam Wing or its characters. Bandai, Sotsu, Sunrise, and the original Japanese creators do. This story is a parody of their defined universe and is in no way an official continuation of the original story. I consider all underage characters engaging in sexual activity to be Emancipated Minors or social equivalents under military service. This story is for entertainment purposes only. It is a fantasy and should not be read as a realistic representation of actual romantic relationships. Content is not intended to condone or condemn any of the lifestyles or viewpoints portrayed through the characters. I make no money at this. I write only for the pleasure of feedback! This story was inspired by the song 'You'll Think Of Me' by Keith Urban.
Notes: I'll try to get caught up on my replies to all of the wonderful fics on this board as soon as I can, but for now, here is the next part to NLTW. As you can see, it will be 5 parts instead of 3 *sighs* Damn plot bunny! Anyway, this is still dedicated to Sunhawk *huggles* Hope you all enjoy! :rhead:
We went back to the second-hand shop the next day because I refused to let the scene from my meeting with Cole keep me away... and besides that, I needed clothes. I apologized to the guy at the counter who introduced himself as simply 'Danny'. Turned out he owned the place, which made me really glad I'd come back to set things right, but he just brushed it all off, saying he'd heard enough to understand why I'd gotten so angry yesterday. I flushed at that, thanked him for not throwing me out after my previous behavior, and bought some damn clothes I could wear. He was a nice enough guy, maybe a couple years older than me, with brown hair that barely brushed his shoulders, warm brown eyes, and a neat goatee. He even gave me a discount, saying women were a pain in the ass, and that I'd be better off screwing guys. My face turned an interesting shade of red, especially when Heero came up to the counter with a couple pairs of jeans and a few short-sleeved tee shirts, asking me if I thought they'd look all right on him.
I quickly got us out of there, ignoring the inquiring look that Danny gave me as I ushered Heero off to the little deli around the corner to introduce him to Marcello's famous subs in hopes of forgetting Danny and his advice. I hadn't been at the deli in a long time, and it felt good to enter the shop and smell the freshly baked bread and spices in the air. The subs at Marcello's are toasted bits of heaven that are pretty healthy for you too. Heero was quite impressed with them, which was good since I was planning on eating there more often now that my appetite was coming back. The owner, Tony Marcello, was of Italian descent and prided himself with serving food that would have made his grandmother smile with approval. He was a short man with black curly hair, and he always told jokes while he made your food. Of course, sometimes the jokes were a little off-color, but he toned it down for Heero since he was new, and I was grateful.
As we sat down and ate, Danny's words came back to me, along with the memory of that kiss from Heero the night before. I'd never considered being with another guy, but the idea certainly wasn't something I was against. I'd seen hookers of both sexes ply their skills on the streets, so I knew the mechanics of two males together, and it didn't seem all that different from being with a woman except for the hardware. Hell, it looked like all five of us were into guys, if Wufei turned out to be that way when Heero talked with him, so it wasn't as if I was alone in my attractions. I could remember thinking certain guys at the yard were good-looking, damn sexy actually, so it seemed I'd always appreciated both genders. In fact, looking at Heero, I found it downright arousing to think about what it might be like... I felt my face flush so I just concentrated on eating my sandwich instead of thinking.
When we got home later that afternoon, I found myself wanting to draw for the first time in a long time. I grabbed my new sketchpad, pulled out a Kimberly HB charcoal pencil, and settled on the couch to do some random sketches while Heero watch the vid-screen. I was surprised that it didn't bother me when he kept glancing at my progress. I could never really relax enough around Hilde to get into what I was drawing after the first few times she'd looked at my sketches. A lot of my stuff was drawn during the war, images of my time on the streets and places I stayed at before and while on missions. I'd done a few pictures of the guys too. Hilde didn't care for my style, saying it was too 'stark'. She really hadn't liked the drawings of the guys for some reason. I tried to do some landscapes for her, and even a portrait of her specifically, but every time my pencil met paper, something else from the war was the end result, and after the fifth time it happened, Hilde had stormed out of the room. Nothing I drew escaped her criticism after that, so I just stopped drawing around her.
Then I'd stopped altogether.
As I propped my knee up, getting in a comfortable position, it was like I'd never quit. As soon as the pencil made its first mark, I felt the familiarity of the art taking me over. I've never been what you would call 'conventional'. Most people look at a model while they work or draw from memory. I can do that when I put my mind to it, but usually I draw whatever comes to me at the time. It's like images flow over the paper when I look at it, and I'm compelled to capture them before they disappear. I've never studied artistic methods or bought any books on different styles. I've just always been able to do it, and before Hilde, I'd thought I could do it pretty damn well. I wasn't sure now, but it didn't matter because I was just drawing for myself again. It felt good. Damn good.
Sometimes I get so caught up in it that it seems like nothing else exists while the pencil moves. I didn't even notice when Heero moved around, couldn't even hear the vid-screen playing, wasn't even sure of where I was except that I was safe enough to keep on drawing. Hey, I'll admit that it's kind of weird, but it's also cleansing in a way. I don't even know what I'm drawing until it's done most of the time, and it usually turns out to be completely different from what I intend to draw when I begin. There are times I wonder if it's self-therapy, a way for my twisted psyche to just make me deal with shit I ignore until it's on paper. Maybe that's why I gave it up for so long; I knew I couldn't deal with the emotions that I knew would flow across the page when Hilde left.
When I finished the final shading to the picture lying in my lap, I was surprised to see Wufei staring back at me, his charcoal eyes accusing. I swallowed hard, forcing myself to not look away. It wasn't really him after all, but still, I felt guilt crawl up onto the couch with me, nibbling all the way. It was all I could do to not scoot over to give him room. Oh, I know, he's not real, but it sure feels like it sometimes. Most people have a little voice inside their head that acts as their conscience, but apparently I need a bit more than that. I draw things that reveal what I'm trying to repress because I don't know how to face it. I imagine a guilt beast with fangs that rips me a new one whenever he feels like I deserve it - which is when I feel like I deserve it, if you didn't get the concept. If that isn't enough, I have thought hamsters.
Yeah, I know, 'thought hamsters' are what people usually call ideas, but for me, they are furry mental visions who hold up little messages that tell me what the hell is going on and what the hell I should be doing about it. Okay, I know that it's my own mind creating them - a better way to process emotionally distressing situations than blowing shit up - but they've kind of taken on a life of their own, and I've grown to depend on them. And before you think I've lost it completely, these little guys have been around long before Hilde, just like me talking to Solo. Like I said, I'm a rather unorthodox individual. If you don't like it, you know where the door is.
Anyway, one of my hamsters darted into my mind's eye as I stared at Wufei's picture and held up a little sign that said, 'Busted'. Yeah, sometimes the little bastards aren't that helpful. I frowned, wondering what that had meant. Yeah, I knew that I'd thought about Heero earlier while contemplating sex with another guy, but it wasn't like I had thought of him being that person specifically. No, I knew Heero was in love with someone else. Even I wasn't stupid enough to fall in love with him since he was already taken. Right? I looked down at Wufei again and felt condemnation coming of the page in waves. When I looked over at Heero, I found him giving the drawing an appraising look. I held my breath waiting for him to say something about it.
"Wufei?"
I ducked my head, trying to come up with some explanation until I decided to just avoid the question altogether. Looking back up, I managed to pull a grin out of my ass as I said, "I might do a set of all five of us. You know, our 'war time faces' or something." I laughed, though I felt like my insides were twisting up the more I talked. "Think I can do Quatre as innocent and Zero at the same time? Should be interesting to try, man. What do you think of Fei? Did I get him right?" I hadn't really meant to ask Heero that, but I couldn't help myself. His face lit up, obviously pleased that I'd asked him for his opinion on my drawing. I knew then that I'd be doing the rest of us just to see his reaction. Yeah, I know I'm pathetic. Shut up about it.
Heero studied the picture for a while, his brow furrowed as he took in the pose and expression. "I think you captured him well. He had that challenging look on his face a lot during the war. I can feel his strength of will just looking at it. It's really good, Duo." His eyes caught mine, and I saw something that made my heart ache - respect.
If I'd had any doubts that Heero had feelings for Wufei, they had just been put to rest. Real love can't exist without respect, and Heero obviously had a lot for Wufei. His words, though intended to compliment my skills, were painful to hear. 'I can feel his strength of will' - yeah, and I was so weak that I'd let Hilde manipulate me until I didn't even know who the hell I was anymore, and then let her walking out almost destroy me. I knew Heero hadn't meant it like that, but I couldn't help feeling that way. When I looked back down at Wufei's face, I hated him like I'd never hated anyone else but those Alliance bastards. It made me sick to my stomach, and I knew I had to get away from Heero.
I closed my book quickly, made some excuse about being tired, and went the hell to bed. I felt confused eyes on me until I shut my door, and then I didn't feel anything but lonely, confused, and ashamed. What kind of friend was I? Wufei didn't even know of Heero's interest, and hating him wouldn't solve anything anyway. Besides, I'd known that Heero was in love with Wufei since the other day, so why did it hurt so much now that I had seen proof? Heero was only here as my friend to help me get my life back on track. Sure, he'd kissed me, but he'd explained that, and I had to quit letting my disoriented feelings make more out of his actions towards me. I had to or this was going to end worse than my life with Hilde had. I couldn't afford to lose his friendship too, under any circumstances.
Resolving to quit being an idiot, I got ready for bed. I lay under the covers for quite a while, thinking about what it would be like to be the one that Heero loved before I finally fell asleep. When the nightmares came that night, they weren't about Hilde or the war for once. I stood in the middle of a forest, naked and alone, a stormy sky above me. My eyes took in the figure in front of me, and I gasped. He was giving me a look he'd previously reserved for only his enemies, and I trembled under his piercing gaze. "W-Wufei?"
"Is he yours, Maxwell?"
I jerked at the acrid tone of his voice. "What?"
"Is Yuy yours?"
I didn't know what to say. I guess part of me would always feel like Heero was mine in a way. I mean, I was his first real friend, so that gave me some special privileges, right? Seeing Wufei's piercing gaze made me realize that wasn't good enough of an answer though. "No, Chang. He isn't mine." I felt something shift inside me and clenched my fists. "But he isn't yours either yet!"
"So you will fight me for him? You will try to win his heart? You have to decide, Duo. If you want him, then you have to do something. If not, then let him go."
I felt tears trying to fall and held them back, not wanting Wufei to see me cry. "I... I don't think I can let go."
"If you can't love him, then you have to let someone else."
I saw his eyes harden and heard my words before I even knew what they were. "I do l-love him." I swallowed convulsively. "I just don't think he... " I watched as the image changed in front of me to someone just as familiar.
"Look inside yourself, Duo. The person you were is still there, and that is who Heero needs."
I frowned at Quatre. "What?"
Kind aqua eyes gazed back at me. "Do you honestly think Wufei is the one?"
I blinked at him, feeling the moisture trail down my cheeks. "But Heero wants him," I argued half-heartedly. I kind of knew what Quatre was getting at, but seriously, what were the odds? That stupid hopeful part of me held its breath though, waiting for him to tell me what I wanted to hear... even if it wasn't reality.
"Then why is Heero here with you? He is as single-minded as they come, Duo. Don't you think he'd already be gone if there wasn't more to this than that? Something doesn't make sense."
I gaped at him like a carp. "But... " Once more, the form changed.
"What matters is how you feel about him, not whether he feels the same. Isn't that what you told Heero?"
I glared. Trowa was always so damn straightforward. "Yeah, but this is different!"
"Why? Because it's you?" His eyebrow came up.
I flushed darkly. "Maybe."
"Then you are a coward, Duo Maxwell."
I growled and watched as he melted into the one person I didn't want to see. Dark blue eyes looked back at me, and there was a scowl on his face. "Heero?" He shook his head and then turned away from me. I cried out, unable to accept his rejection. I couldn't let him leave. "Heero! Please, don't go!" I kept calling him, begging him to come back, as I fell to my knees, too weak to go after him.
"Duo. Duo... Duo!"
I jerked awake, shaking so badly I thought I was going to fall off the bed. I looked to see Heero's worried face, and all I wanted was to let him hold me. I was so tempted, but I just couldn't. Not after that. Not when I knew how screwed up my subconscious was over all this. "I'm all right. I'm fine now. You can... go back to bed."
"Are you sure, Duo? You're shaking like a leaf. You were... " I could see his blush even in the dark. "You were calling out my name."
I had a matching complexion as I looked down and pulled the covers around me. "Sorry. Just a st-stupid dream." Great, I was stuttering. Next, I'd be bawling in his damn arms.
Heero placed his hand under my chin and tilted my face up so my eyes met his. "It's okay. I know how you feel. We all have nightmares, Duo. Don't push me away just because you're embarrassed."
The touch of his callused fingers on my skin was like the adrenaline rush during battle. I wanted to kiss him then. As I looked into his eyes, saw the way they were regarding me with such warmth and concern, I wanted to kiss him so badly that I could barely breathe. I watched him lick his lips in a nervous gesture and wanted to taste them. It scared me to want something that much. "Heero... "
He leaned forward, his mouth coming closer to mine, and I could feel the strength in his hand, smell his scent, and hear his unsteady breathing as he closed his eyes in anticipation. Then the sound of the vid-phone buzzing made us both jump apart. I felt like I'd spontaneously combust as I scrambled out of bed towards the kitchen. I'd almost let him kiss me again! What the hell was wrong with me? Part of me was disappointed at being interrupted, but the more sane part of me was relieved as I hit the connect button.
"Hello?" I answered, leaving the video off for the moment until I could get my coloring back to normal.
"Duo? Are you okay? I haven't heard from you in months, and when I called the yard yesterday, Monroe said you weren't working there any longer. I was going to wait to call, but then I started thinking about you this morning, and I just couldn't get you off of my mind... "
I quickly flipped on the vid-feed and plastered a smile on my face. "Hey, Qat. Man, you have got to quit worrying about me. You're going to give yourself a stroke, buddy. And how did you know I wouldn't be sleeping? It is only around four o'clock in the morning here."
He gave me an assessing look, which never was good. "What's wrong? You look like you've lost weight. I can tell you're upset about something."
I sighed heavily. Okay, it was time to do some creative explaining. "Hilde and I broke up a couple months ago, and I sold her my part of the yard. I'm sorry I didn't call, but I needed some space. I just woke up from a nightmare, so I'm a little disoriented right now. Other than that, I'm all right." I tried to lock down any emotion that he could pick up on. I apparently didn't do too well, because he gave me that look I hadn't wanted to see on his face.
"Oh, Duo. Do you need to come and stay with us for a while? Trowa and I would love to have you... "
"That won't be necessary," Heero answered from behind me, making me almost jump out of my skin.
Quatre's eyes widened. "Heero? What are you doing there?"
I sighed and moved over so Heero could be seen, and then wondered why Quatre was suddenly frowning. I shrugged it off and said, "He's been staying with me for the past few days."
"I see," was the reply from the other end. Quatre looked upset, and I had no idea why. It made me a little defensive.
"Look, I've been a bit depressed, Qat. Heero came to visit a few days ago. When he found out that Hilde had... " I stopped and took a deep breath. "That we weren't together anymore, he decided to stay for a while."
Quatre gave Heero a questioning look that I didn't understand. "Did you tell him?" He asked, and then I knew why he was acting like this.
"Yeah," I replied before Heero could. Guess that explained Quatre's attitude. Did he think I was trying to keep Heero away from Wufei? I thought about my dream and was suddenly angry that Quatre had thrown Heero's feelings for someone else in my face. Of course, he didn't know how I felt, did he? Did I even know? That last thought just pissed me off, and I bit out, "In fact, I was going to send him on his way as soon as possible."
Quatre's eyebrows shot up and his eyes went to Heero. "But... Duo, you have to understand how much he... "
"I told him that I'm in love with another guy, but I haven't told him who it is yet," Heero replied in a hurry. "I know I need to, Quatre, but the timing hasn't been right."
I turned to look at Heero, my brows furrowed with annoyance. What the hell was wrong with these two? "Yeah, well, I think you should worry about telling the other guy instead. It really doesn't matter to me. You need to get on with your life, Heero. You sure as hell don't have to baby-sit me anymore."
"You're still having nightmares, Duo. You need me here. I'll take care of my own feelings once I've helped you deal with yours. You may think you're all right, but maybe I should remind you of how you were when I got here."
I felt my face flame. I mean, we'd managed to keep the details of the situation from Quatre so far, but Heero saying something like that would make the blond demand answers, and I didn't want anyone else to know how bad off I'd been. It was humiliating enough that Heero knew. I looked back at the screen. "He's just too damn stubborn. I guess he'll be staying with me for a while longer, but don't worry. I won't let him blow it off completely, okay?"
Quatre glanced from me to Heero, a perplexed look on his face. "What the hell is going on there, Heero?"
I saw Heero tense a little. "Let's just say that Duo was more than 'a bit depressed' and leave it at that," he told him sharply. "He's doing better, but he doesn't need someone else fussing over him right now." He smiled a little and looked at me, his eyes shining in the half-dark. "He already has two mother-hens as it is."
I grinned back at him, the inside joke taking away some of my embarrassment. I looked back at the vid to see Quatre considering us both carefully before settling his gaze on me. "Are you sure you're all right, Duo? I know how much you cared about Hilde, and though I can't say I'm surprised about the breakup, I am sorry."
What the hell? Did everyone see this coming? Shaking my head, I replied, "Thanks, man, but I'm fine."
Quatre snorted, the undignified response almost making me smile again until he said, "Yeah, just fine. I can read between the lines and I don't like what I see hidden there. Even Heero admitted you were more than 'a bit depressed', so I can only imagine how bad you really were for you to let him stay this long. You're still having nightmares, and from what I can tell by your feelings, they have to be even worse than what you had during the war." He blew out a breath. "I know you, Duo, and you downplay everything. You seem to forget that I was the one who pulled shrapnel out of your ass after that one battle, and your definition of 'minor abrasions' isn't anything close to mine. You may never lie, but you stretch the hell out of the truth all the time."
"It really isn't anybody's damn business," I grated out; angry because I knew he was right. Then again, I was too.
"Not even your friends?" He asked in a voice that made me feel like I'd been kicking puppies. His expression matched the tone, and guilt beast took a hunk out of my ass the size of North America.
Before I could reply, I heard Trowa's voice in the background. "Is that Duo?" He didn't wait for Quatre to confirm it; I saw his face as he knelt beside his lover and smiled at the screen. "Hey. Thought you'd fallen off the colony."
"No. Just out of the loop for a while," I told him, smiling slightly. Trowa was a helluva lot easier to deal with than Quatre most of the time, even if I did love the blond like a brother.
"Good to see you, Heero."
Heero shifted beside me. "Yeah, it's been a while."
"Hilde and Duo broke up, Trowa," Quatre interjected. I felt like sticking my tongue out at him.
Trowa raised his eyebrow. "About damn time. She wasn't right for you Duo."
"Well, it's good to know that all of my friends were so worried about my love-life, but it's over now. She's gone, I'm okay, and I doubt I'll be getting involved with anyone else anytime soon, so you can relax." I heard Heero's breath hitch and wondered what the fuck his problem was.
Quatre's eyes went to him and then back to me. "Oh... well... don't let a good opportunity pass you by just because your relationship with Hilde didn't work out. Sometimes what we need is right under our noses."
I sighed. "And sometimes what we need isn't anywhere to be found, Qat."
Trowa's green eyes flashed with understanding. "Sometimes people are too wrapped up in the past to see the future."
I smirked back, hiding the bitterness those words brought. Yeah, sometimes I did cling to the past, but what the hell else did I have? I reached for my mask of humor instead and drawled out, "Hey, I'm trying to teach an old god new tricks, man, but it's easier said than done."
Trowa snorted, but I could tell Quatre was picking up on some of my darker feelings because his face had gone pale. Well, fuck me. I'd done pretty damn well on my own... well, okay, lately with Heero's help... but I didn't need them interfering. I could handle things with Heero myself, but for now, I needed to get some sleep.
"Hey, listen, I'd like to get back to bed sometime soon. Think we can wrap this up?" I asked hopefully.
Both of them stared at me for a minute before Heero intervened. "We haven't gotten much sleep tonight."
Trowa gave Heero an inquiring look and then smiled slightly. "Of course. I'll try to keep Quatre from calling this early next time. You two take care. We'll talk later."
Quatre gave his lover a heated look but then turned back to me. "Duo, call me if you need anything, and I mean it. I'm really upset that you didn't tell me when this happened."
I sighed. "I know, but I needed to try to work this out myself."
"But you know better than to try that next time, right?" He asked in that voice of his that makes me want to flip him off. He didn't give me a chance to reply. He glanced over at Heero and said, "Don't do anything stupid, Heero."
I flinched at that. What was that supposed to mean? I suddenly felt really tired and just wanted to go back to bed.
"I know what I'm doing," Heero replied firmly. "I'll talk to you guys later."
"Okay then. Bye," Quatre replied and then disconnected.
"And they wonder why I don't call?" I snorted as I stood and turned around to look at Heero.
Heero shook his head. I couldn't tell if he was disagreeing with me or doing it in response to them. He must have known because he smirked and said, "I understand why you didn't, even though they do mean well. You know how Quatre gets, and Trowa just likes being a smart-ass sometimes."
I did my gaping fish imitation. "But I thought... I mean, they helped you when you... "
"Duo, just because you care about someone doesn't mean you ignore their faults." He gave me a level look. "You accept them, and love them in spite of them, but they still can annoy the shit out of you."
I couldn't help it. I laughed my ass off. Heero flushed to the roots of his hair, but I kept laughing anyway. I'd always thought I was the only one who had problems with Quatre's over-protectiveness and Trowa's odd sense of humor. It was nice to know that I wasn't alone. It suddenly made me wonder if Heero accepted Wufei's stubborn pride as easily, even though it was damned frustrating at times. Remembering the look in his eyes when he'd seen Wufei's picture, I was certain that Heero would accept any fault of the person he loved, no matter how annoying it was. Heero was just the kind of person to see it as part of the package. Hey, he put up with me, didn't he?
"Do you think you can go back to sleep now?"
I looked at him and saw that he didn't want to talk about the vid call anymore. Good, neither did I. "Yeah."
"Sure you don't want me to stay with you? I don't mind."
The way he said it made my heart skip a beat, but I said, "No, it's okay."
Blue eyes regarded me hesitantly as he walked towards me. When he got close enough, he placed his hand on my chin again, just like he had in the bedroom. I gasped a little, flushing as he smiled. "You sure? I really don't mind, Duo. I want to be here for you."
He took another step closer, and I could feel my heartbeat speed up. The image of Wufei in my dream made me place a hand on his chest before he could lean in. "It's all right, man. No dream is going to get the best of Duo Maxwell." I saw him falter, his eyes filling with something I couldn't identify, but before I could change my mind, I hurried out of the kitchen to my bedroom.
It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Three weeks passed off before I even realized it, and even though things seemed to get better for the most part, just getting through the day wasn't easy sometimes. After the incident with the dream, the almost-kiss, and the whole Quatre-Trowa call, I struggled with letting Heero help me. Most of the time, we had a comfortable friendship, but sometimes... sometimes I didn't know how to let him close without making myself vulnerable to the other things I wanted from him. What was worse was that I couldn't fathom why he'd even want to have anything to do with me like that in my current condition, and I was afraid to find out. It would probably be out of pity anyway or from loneliness, and I just couldn't deal with that, so I chose to ignore it instead.
Heero and I ate at the diner about three times a week, checking in with Mavis so she knew I was all right. She didn't tease us anymore about our 'involvement' but I still caught her smiling at us with that knowing look in her eyes every so often. It didn't help that Heero played the part of 'concerned boyfriend' without even realizing it. At least, I think he didn't realize it. I tried to ignore them both, but I couldn't help the twinge in the vicinity of my heart every time it happened. Then I would get pissed and tell myself to get over it and quit wanting something I couldn't fucking have. Easier said than done when Heero was always there, supporting me, caring about me, and telling me everything was going to be all right. How the hell could I fight against feelings for him when I needed him?
Since I was repressing the whole 'lusting after Heero' thing, I tried to focus on my other main problem. Even though I had gained back enough weight so I didn't look like Death-warmed-over anymore, my muscle tone wasn't returning like it should have. Heero tried to reassure me that it took longer to gain muscle than it did to lose it, but I couldn't stop the growing despondency that was eating away at me inside. I was getting the right amount of food into my system now, so I knew that wasn't the problem. I mean, when we weren't grabbing 'healthy' takeout from Marcello's or the Japanese place a couple blocks over, Heero was cooking big meals that I practically inhaled. I never would have guessed that he had a culinary streak in him, but he loved to cook. It just goes to show that you never know a person until you live with him. Well, he wasn't actually 'living with me'... okay, I guess he was, kind of, but... ah hell, you know what I mean.
As the days went by, I became more frustrated with my body. My internal anger finally exploded one evening, and I ended up yelling at Heero for no good reason, storming out of the living room while cussing a blue streak, slamming my bedroom door so hard I knocked one of the hinges loose, and sulking for a few hours while sitting in the middle of my damn bed with the covers pulled up all around me. Don't laugh. I was miserable, and I felt like an even bigger loser when I realized that I couldn't go to sleep before I apologized to him. Yeah, Sister Helen had pounded into me that 'don't let the sun go down on your wrath' thing when it came to people you lov-cared about, so I had to make it right between us before I could even think about sleep. I crept back into the living room, mumbled my apology, and then fled again. I didn't tell him why I'd been so upset, and he didn't press me for an explanation that night or the next day. I thought my little shouting episode had helped me get rid of my anger. I was wrong.
The fourth time it happened that week, I found myself grabbing my sketchpad as I tried to not slam my bedroom door since I hadn't fixed the hinge I'd broken the first time yet. Yeah, I knew I was being stupid, but when you're in the middle of that kind of emotional turmoil, you can't see rationality or logic. Sitting in my bed again, I began drawing. I let my emotions fade away as I lost myself in simple lines and curves, wishing with all of my heart that I could get my life back as easily. I knew that I was taking all of my anger out on Heero when I should be telling him what was bothering me. He could probably help, right? I was being an idiot. That opinion was reinforced when I looked down at my sketchpad.
I'd drawn Quatre. He was looking at me with a familiar expression, his aqua eyes gleaming with a mixture of anger and amusement. Sound impossible? Not just anyone can pull it off, I assure you. It's the one that says, 'You know better than to do this. Don't make me have to go Zero on your ass, because we both know I will if you don't stop it'. I smiled in spite of myself, making a mental note to call the blond annoyance and his smart-ass clown soon. I really did love those guys, no matter how insane they made me sometimes. When I finished shading the smug smirk on Quatre's lips, I took my ass back into the living room to face Heero.
"Hey, I'm sorry."
Heero glared at me from his place on the couch, a frustrated look on his face. "Tell me what's wrong. You can't keep doing this, Duo. It's not good for either one of us."
I sighed and sat down beside him. "I know. I'm just... it's like I'm... " It wasn't easy talking about this shit with him because I didn't want to look any weaker than I already did, but I didn't want to ruin our friendship either. The lesser of two evils - that was what I was down to, so I chose. "I'm not happy with my... progress."
I felt my face flame as he gave my body a good once-over. "Why? You've gained back all of your weight, you're sleeping well most nights, and you aren't leaving conditioner in your hair anymore."
I snorted. The attempt at humor wasn't lost on me, but I just couldn't get into the spirit of it. "Yeah. Go me."
Heero sighed, seeing the joke hadn't done over well. "Duo, I think you've made a good recovery. I'm proud of you."
I blushed furiously. "Yeah, but I still look... " I bit off the self-deprecating part of that sentence and decided a more practical explanation would keep me from getting lectured. "When I worked at the yard, I could lift scrap that weighed as much as I did, Heero. I could work a ten-hour day and then go out with the guys. I've never been really cut or anything, but I've always had good muscle tone. I'm not regaining it the way I should be."
Understanding seemed to fill Heero's eyes and he nodded. "That makes sense, actually. Lifting stuff at the yard developed your muscles in a way walking and other exercise just can't alone."
"So what can we do?" I asked. The need to get physically fit again outweighed my embarrassment.
"Weight training," he replied. "It will get you toned and help you get your stamina back too."
"Okay. I'm game if you are," I said flippantly, but then sobered. "I just want to look in the mirror and see the real me again."
Heero laid his hand on my shoulder, smiling. "Then let's see if we can bring him back."
Thus began my torture, I mean 'physical therapy', sessions.
We decided that the recreation center across town was the best place since they had a pretty decent weight room. The only problem was that we had to ride the transit to get there. Colony transportation is... interesting. It took all of two trips before I had to get in some kid's face and threaten him with much bodily harm if he tried to pick-pocket me just one more damn time. Heero had been rather amused by it, but then again, it wasn't his ass getting grabbed. Besides that, the kid wasn't a good thief, and I didn't want him getting arrested - or worse - when he tried it on the wrong person. Once we'd established ourselves as street-smart, though, our trips to the center were uneventful. I may not have been up to physical standards, but attitude can be just as important, and I had that in spades.
After a few times, we started playing basketball with some of the regulars, and although I was kind of self-conscious, I soon realized that the guys there were just glad to have a couple players who could shoot the damn ball. Brett was a bartender over on Eighth, Mac was a shop worker at the tool and die on Ludlow, Gary was a communications tech who worked at the spaceport, and Jim and Brian were transport pilots there too. We all hit it off really well, and it was good to talk with people who didn't know anything about the whole Hilde mess. We met at the bar where Brett worked a couple of times, and I even got Heero to have a couple drinks and play some pool. The social aspect of it all helped my pissy attitude a lot. Yeah, I know, I had people who wanted to hang with me, but I was still a little hesitant to see them. I'd get back with Cole and the others before long, but I just needed more time.
Heero and I began going to the bar at least once a week. They had good pub food, I'd give them that, but it wasn't like at the diner. I decided to ask Heero about it. "Why do you like it here so much?"
He smiled a little. "It's a good way to relieve stress."
I shook my head at him. "Me yelling at balls that don't go into the right pockets relieves stress?"
"Keeps you from yelling at me at least," he replied, and I could tell he hadn't meant to say that out loud because he gave me a startled look that was borderline-fearful before he began sputtering. "Duo... I didn't mean... you just seem to enjoy yourself here, and I... " He looked away, his face flushed. "I'm sorry."
I watched guilt come bounding across the bar, teeth ready, but I wondered who his target was. "It's okay, Heero. I haven't been the easiest person to get along with lately. You're allowed some relaxation time the same as me, man."
Blue eyes met mine. "I love being around you. No one makes me feel the way you do."
Well, guilt backed off at that, but one of my hamsters showed up to hold out a 'What the hell?' sign for me. "Heero?"
He moved closer and took the pool stick out of my hand. My game was over but I hadn't put it up yet. I just stared at him as he took another step towards me. We were in a freaking public place! My hamster waved his flag with a little more vigor as Heero tucked a stray hair behind my ear. "Being with you makes me happy, even when you're being a pain in the ass." He smirked, and all I could do was try to catch my breath. He was too damn close to me.
"We need to go home," I said shakily. "It's getting late."
Heero held my gaze for a few seconds more, and I felt myself wanting to pick up right where we'd left off the morning Quatre had called, even if we were in sight of the voting public. He finally stepped back. "Okay."
I walked home like I was being pursued by a mobile suit. I didn't speak to Heero until we got into the living room, and then it was to only tell him 'goodnight' while he stood there looking at me with this weird understanding in his eyes. Heart going ten million miles-a-minute, I changed into my sleeping clothes, crawled into bed, and prayed that no nightmares would come tonight, or I would take anything Heero offered me. Yeah, I knew it would be betraying Wufei, but at that moment, I didn't care. I just wanted Heero, and the need to feel him beside me on the bed was so strong that I almost called for him. My hamsters showed up and began carrying little signs naming off the reasons why that would be a bad thing until I got control of myself. Still, I had to do something so I could sleep.
I hadn't masturbated at all since I'd been with Hilde, even when she hadn't been interested in having sex those last couple of weeks. Lying alone in the dark, listening to my own ragged breath, I decided my self-imposed celibacy was about to end. I reached down into my pajama bottoms, wrapped my hand around my stiffening erection and began stroking myself slowly. I couldn't help but imagine that it was Heero touching me, leaning over my body as my hips thrust up and pushed my cock further into his hand. It didn't take very long for me to cry out in silent, but blissful, release. I lay there and decided that if Heero woke me from a bad dream later on, I'd change my clothes then. If not, it could wait until the morning.
No dreams came for me during the night, and I cursed the sticky mess I had to deal with when I woke up.
It was a couple weeks later while we were sparring at the Rec center to hone my fighting skills again when I noticed Heero watching my body with much more than a trainer's interest. I tried to ignore it, but it made me very aware of how long it had been since anyone had bothered to see me that way. Yeah, I knew that there was some emotional attraction between us - okay, and a physical for me too - but I hadn't thought he'd felt it. Sure, he'd tried to kiss me, but that was just because he didn't want me to feel bad about myself, and since he liked guys, he hadn't minded it. Right? I mean, Heero couldn't really be attracted to me sexually. Even though I'd managed to get back into shape again, I wasn't Wufei, who did his martial arts exercises like it was a religion and looked like a freaking sculpture.
Jealous? Me? You bet your ass!
My 'time-loss' episodes had ended weeks ago, but I was still having nightmares occasionally, and they were causing problems of more than the 'scaring the shit out of Maxwell' kind. I tried jerking off before bed in hopes of sleeping better, but I still only managed a few interspersed nights of contented rest that way. Besides that, fantasizing about Heero wasn't really helping the current situation since he kept checking me out at the center. Memories of that damn kiss from weeks before lingered like some kind of sick temptation, tormenting me on the nights that Heero woke me. After a few really bad nights, Heero refused to leave me alone, sliding into bed no matter how much I protested. I was angry about it, but I was also relieved in a way that made me want to smack myself until I came to my senses.
Heero hadn't kissed me again, but he kept close physically, and there had been a few more of those 'close calls' like the one in the bar, especially once he started sleeping in the bed with me almost every night. Of course, that within itself was a lesson in self-control. Even though he would be turned away from me, and I would be on my back, our bodies would touch in some way, either his arm brushing my side, or his leg against mine. Worst of all, I would always wind up wrapped around him by morning, and it embarrassed the hell out of me, but I couldn't deny that it felt damn good to wake up pressed against him. There were times I could still feel the warmth of his lips when I closed my eyes, and I thought about it more than I should have when he was next to me in the dark, wearing nothing but a pair of pajama bottoms and a tee shirt. I was almost sure he thought about it then too, because his breathing would quicken anytime we touched while shifting positions when we both had trouble falling to sleep.
There were a lot of those nights it seemed.
I had to keep reminding myself that he was in love with Wufei, that I didn't have any right to think about him as more than a friend, or let him do anything like that kiss again. I knew I couldn't have gotten through this damn depression without him, or made the physical recovery I had, but him staying with me was making me question all of these new desires and feelings, and him being in love with another guy didn't deter my attraction to him or change the fact that I wanted his touch... that I wanted something from him that I sure as hell couldn't have. Then again, that was the story of my life, right?
I was beginning to think that Heero had given up on telling Wufei how he felt. It was a horrible temptation for me to let him move in for good. Hey, I didn't want to be alone again, and he'd been the best company I could have asked for, even if he did bitch about my hair clogging the shower drain. Those nights spent sleeping in the same bed with Heero were weakening my resolve, and the only thing stopping me from cleaning out the cluttered spare room and finding a nice desk for his laptop to call home was that I cared about his happiness more than I did my own. That bit of reason was what had me sitting at the kitchen table one morning, almost three months since Heero had shown up, trying to think of how to tell him to leave without hurting his feelings.
"You're up early."
I whirled around, almost falling out of my chair. "Yeah. Couldn't sleep anymore." Well, that was true; if I'd tried I would have ended up snuggling against him, and I'd already woken up with a hard-on like some kind of pervert.
Heero smirked at me, apparently amused at me almost taking a trip to the tile. "You want to do the diner today?"
I thought about it and then nodded. Maybe it would be the safest place for us to discuss this - public yet familiar. We got ready, and an hour later, we sat in a booth, sipping on coffee and looking out the window. We'd already ordered, and I was trying to come up with a tactful way to begin this conversation. Yeah, me and tact go way back. Not. "I want you to check and see when the next shuttle is leaving for wherever your guy lives," I blurted out suddenly. I quickly looked at Heero to see his reaction. It wasn't a good one.
For a split second, pain filled Heero's eyes, and I winced. He quickly recovered, but looked away from me as he spoke, "Sure. I guess you want to have the place to yourself so you can get on with your life now."
I felt like he'd ripped out my heart with those words. "That's not it at all, and you know it, Yuy! I like you being here, but you have a life too, and staying here with me will never get you any closer to what you want. Hell, I know we get along well, and I'd love for you to stay, but you can't live with me like this when you're in love with him!" I tried not to spit out that last word, but that intense jealousy coursed through me again.
Heero scowled. "I told you that doesn't matter right now. Damn it, Duo, why can't you just let me... "
"Why can't I let you what?" I demanded hotly, suddenly very damn angry. "Use me as a replacement until you get up your damn nerve to tell him? Pretend we're together so you don't feel so alone? Fuck, Heero, it's not fair to me! I just lost my best friend, my partner, and the person I'd been sleeping with for the past six months! Do you think it's easy for me to lie in bed with you at night and not want to... not wonder what it would be like to... shit, Heero, I can't let myself feel this way about you when you fucking want someone else!" I yelled, out of my seat before he could say a word. I couldn't deal it. It had been a mistake to talk about this here, and I should have realized it beforehand. I was humiliated and damn tired of the whole mess. I turned away from him, intent on getting the hell out of there.
"Duo?" Mavis called to me softly as I walked by her, but all I could do was give her an apologetic look as I walked out the door.
I have limits. The past couple of months had shown me that rather clearly, but I didn't like having them shoved in my face anymore than anyone else did. All of my life, I'd try to protect myself from this kind of shit, but it seemed that certain people always found a way to get inside my heart... just to break it. I'd thought I was so tough growing up on the streets, stealing stuff and conning people to get by, but then Solo had died, and my world had shattered around me. I'd managed to get through it though, promising to never care about anyone else that much, but then Father Maxwell had taken me in, and I'd had to go through having my fucking heart trampled on again when I lost him and Sister Helen. It had happened with Hilde, and apparently, now with Heero. When would I ever learn?
"Duo! Wait, damn it!"
I couldn't do this right now. I kept walking, not sure I wouldn't react... violently if I faced him. I didn't want to lose his friendship, but hell, what could he expect? I really appreciated all he'd done for me, but I wasn't going to be his fuck-buddy until he decided to declare his undying love to Wufei - the lucky bastard - just to leave me behind. I had more pride than that, even if I was L2 trash. These past few weeks had shown me just how much I'd let Hilde use me, and I'd be damned before I let someone do it again. This shit was going to end now. Duo Maxwell wasn't anyone's convenient toy.
My thoughts were interrupted when familiar hands began dragging me into a nearby alley. "Heero! Let me the hell go!" I struggled against him, my restored strength and skills helping me to land a punch to his jaw and then to his shoulder before he got me pinned against the wall.
"Shut up and listen to me, damn you!" He shouted, just as angrily.
Street instincts told me to kick his ass into the pavement, but common sense took over, and I stopped fighting him. "What?" I grated out through clenched teeth.
Heero's body relaxed a little, though he held me tightly so I couldn't get away. "I never meant to make you feel like that. I'm sorry. I should have realized how it would look to you. If I'd known, I wouldn't have... "
I felt my face flame. "Let's just forget it. The best thing you can do for me now is to leave."
"Duo, I don't want to leave," he said firmly. "I want to be with you."
"You can't always have what you want, Yuy," I snarled. Why was he doing this to me? How could he say this when he loved someone else? It twisted in my gut until I thought I would scream.
He shook his head. "And you can't always deny it either, Maxwell."
Before I could react, he leaned forward and took my lips in a kiss that made the first one seem like nothing. His tongue forced its way into my mouth, and I groaned, trying to push him away and pull him closer at the same time. All of the anger turned into aggression and need, and I responded by giving as good as I got, twining our tongues together in a way that made me long for nights spent in my bed with his body thrusting into mine as he touched me in ways I'd never known before. When Heero pulled away, his eyes were glazed with passion, and I would have been the happiest man alive if I'd had any hope that what he was feeling was really for me, but you see, I know Heero. He easily got caught up in his emotions when he let them run free, and that's why he'd kept such a tight rein on them during the wars.
I pushed him away, panting hard. "Don't. If you care for me at all, Heero, please don't do this. You're my friend, and you mean a lot to me. Don't make me hate you for something that won't matter one damn bit to you later."
"Duo, I... "
"Well, well. It's a small colony after all. Never thought I'd run across this, though."
The familiar voice made my heart fall to my feet as I looked at the alley entrance to see the one person I wouldn't have ever wanted to catch me in this position. "H-Hilde?"
End Part 3
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