Title: The Light in Your Eyes - Part 1
Author: tkmaxwell777
Category: Shonen Ai
Pairings: 1+2
Disclaimers: Don't own Gundam... don't sue me.
Rating: PG13
Notes: No one can stay cold forever.
Synopsis: Heero and Duo are on a mission. When Heero hurts Duo's feelings, Duo thinks that Heero doesn't really care about him. Heero has to show Duo that the other boy means more than he will ever know, while trying to sort through all of the new emotions that he is feeling.
The mission had been a disaster. Mission specs had all been wrong. Security systems had triggered that weren't even supposed to be there. Even the layout of the building didn't match the map that had been provided; Heero and Duo found themselves running down corridor after corridor trying to escape. Finally they managed to get to an outside door. As they flew down the steps, an explosion went off behind them, knocking them both to the ground. Duo rolled over groaning, thinking that at least they had succeeded in blowing up the damned building, even if it had been a little drastic. He spotted Heero close by, but... he wasn't moving. Fear gripped Duo's heart as he rushed over to his partner.
"Heero... Heero ..." Duo began shaking the other boy. When he saw some blood coming from Heero's head, he began to panic. "Heero... damn it... don't do this to me... don't die on me now... please... Heero!" If it had been a month ago, Duo would have just hoisted the other pilot over his shoulder and carried him to safety. Things had changed since then, and Duo reacted out of a growing fear; he pulled Heero into is arms, rocking him gently, trying to hold back the tears. He was still pleading with Heero when Heero's eyes flew open.
Heero was instantly aware that someone was holding him. He reacted from instinct, pushing that person away. He looked up into stormy violet eyes and realized Duo was close to falling apart. Heero didn't understand why Duo was acting like this, but he knew they couldn't afford for Duo to lose it until they were safe. Then Heero could find out what the hell was going on.
"Get up, Duo. We don't have time for this!" Heero yelled as he reached to grab the sleeve of his slightly dazed partner, pulling him with him as they headed for nearby cover. Duo's body followed, but the rest of him was lost at the moment. In his mind, he had been back in the dream he'd been having for the past month, a dream that scared him more than his own death ever could. Looking down at an unconscious bleeding Heero had caused him to lose all rational thought. Heero yelling at him had brought him back to reality, but his heart ached inside. Of course, Heero wouldn't give a damn, would he? He probably wouldn't even care if Duo died. It would just be an inconvenience to have to show up for his partner's funeral. Duo had begun to think that maybe they were actually becoming friends. Well, at least he thought that Heero maybe didn't dislike his company as much as he used to. As he looked at the boy meandering through the underbrush in front of him, Duo realized that he would never mean anything more to Heero than someone to help him complete a mission. It hurt. It hurt like hell. As they continued toward the safe house, Duo felt his heart recede more and more. By the time they reached the front door, he felt dead inside.
They had made their way through the landscape. Heero had hoped they could make it to the safe house coordinates quickly and that, when they arrived, there would be a safe house there. With everything else that had gone wrong, he had fully expected to find nothing but an empty field. He had been so focused on getting there that he hadn't even noticed the far away look in Duo's eyes or the ashen expression on his face. It had taken an hour to reach the ramshackle cabin. They'd had to backtrack their trail several times to make sure if anyone was following them, they would be totally confused by now... and lost. Heero had been relieved to see the enclosure, even if it wasn't as nice as Quatre's safe houses they used most of the time. The injury to Heero's head had been minor, but he was grateful for a place to rest for a while.
When they walked through the door, Heero suddenly noticed how quiet the other pilot was. In fact, Duo hadn't said a single word since they'd left the mission site. Heero watched Duo for a moment, taking in the exhausted movements. He was glad that they would be able to spend the night since Duo seemed to be so tired. Then it struck him: Duo was never tired. He was a boundless ball of energy that was always recharged before he ever got the chance to run down. Heero watched Duo's body language as he slumped down on the bed. Something was very wrong.
"Duo? Are you okay?" He asked simply, trying to keep the concern out of his voice. Duo looked up at him, and Heero almost had to sit down. Eyes that normally lit with amusement and mischief every single minute of every single day were... dark. Heero felt his heart constrict. He'd never seen this look in Duo's eyes before, and he instantly decided he didn't like it.
"Yeah. I'm okay. I need to get some sleep." As Duo said this, he collapsed into the bed, pulling the covers over him with his clothes still on. Then he just lay there. Silently.
Heero just stood there staring. Maybe Duo was hurt. That had to be it. He was hurt, and he didn't want Heero to yell at him, so he was trying to hide it until morning. Heero's brows furrowed as he went over to the other boy.
"Duo, if you're hurt, you need to tell me. I need to make sure the injury gets tended or you might not be able to go anywhere tomorrow. We have to head for the next safe house or we won't make it to the rendezvous with Howard. Are you listening to me?" He finally asked getting frustrated that for once he had to do all the talking. It was annoying.
"I'm not hurt. Just leave me alone, Heero." Duo felt the anger mounting. 'Can't be hurt, not because he cares, but because he doesn't want to miss our ride,' Duo thought to himself, 'Cold-hearted bastard.'
Heero couldn't believe the tone in Duo's voice. Was that how he sounded when he brushed Duo off? That thought didn't settle well with him. In fact, Duo's lack of friendliness was like a slap in the face. For once, Heero wondered why Duo kept trying to be his friend if this was how he sounded. He had to find out what was wrong with Duo. He wasn't as persistent as Duo, but he was just as stubborn.
"At least take off your clothes so you can rest," he began as he pulled the covers off Duo to allow him to remove his shoes and pants. "If you're so tired, I'll help you."
"Leave me the fuck alone, Yuy!" Duo yelled as he bolted up in bed, his braid flying over his shoulder. Heero jumped, completely surprised by Duo's reaction. He stared in disbelief when he saw that Duo had pure rage in his violet eyes. Heero stepped back. What was going on? He'd never seen Duo like this.
"Duo, I just want to make sure you're all right. You're acting strange. I only want to ..."
"Make sure I don't fuck up the mission any more than it already has been, right? Yeah, I understand perfectly. Don't worry; I'll be able to get you to your damned pick up on time. Just stay the hell away from me!"
"Okay, Duo. I'll leave you alone. Just lay back down." Heero realized he was using the same kind of calm voice you would use when dealing with a frightened child... or a cornered animal.
Duo pinned him with a deadly cold stare, then turned over and pulled the covers back over himself. Heero was so shocked that he didn't even realize he had gotten into his bed until he'd already pulled up the covers. Then he lay there, unable to go to sleep for a long time because all he could see when he closed his eyes were Duo's eyes blazing back at him.
It was a few hours later when a noise brought Heero awake again. He immediately sat up, trying to locate the source of the distressed sound. Movement caught his attention. He looked over at Duo to see him writhing in his bed. Incoherent sobs were coming from his lips. Heero watched and listened to Duo wail in terror. He didn't know what to do. He slowly got up and walked over to the other boy's bed. Duo was covered in sweat. Tears were escaping from his tightly clenched eyes, staining his cheeks. In all the time Heero had known Duo, he'd never seen him cry. The dream had to be a bad one.
Heero was startled when Duo cried out. "No. No! Please... don't do this to me... please don't die on me. Please, God, I'll do anything... anything! I can't lose you too... please! Please!"
Heero began shaking Duo while trying to restrain his partner's flailing body. "Duo! Wake Up! Duo... it's just a dream!" When Duo didn't respond, Heero actually pulled him upright in bed, "Duo!"
Duo opened his eyes, catching his breath quickly as he came to himself, tears flowing down his face. The look in his eyes broke Heero's heart. Or more like, broke through to it.
"Duo. It's okay. It was just a dream."
Duo had begun shaking, still taking ragged breaths to try to regain a sense of control. Heero knew he was seeing a side of Duo that very few, if any, ever had; somehow it made him want to protect him. Without even thinking, he pulled Duo into his arms, holding him close to his own rapidly beating heart. He expected Duo to struggle after what had occurred earlier that evening, but instead of Duo pulling away, he collapsed against Heero, burying his face in the Wing pilot's chest, sobbing like a little child after a nightmare. Heero began stroking Duo's hair and mumbling nonsensical sounds to comfort him. He really didn't know what to do, so he just held him. It may have been minutes or even hours before Heero tried to pull away. When Duo wouldn't let go, Heero scooted him over some, and lay down beside him, shifting the other boy closer. Heero was relieved when Duo began to relax against him, his breathing evening out. Before long, they were both asleep.
Heero opened his eyes slowly, feeling warm and content for some reason without knowing why at first. Then his numbed mind finally realized that a long arm was thrown over him and a head with an inordinate amount of hair was lying on his chest. Suddenly, the events of the previous night came back to him. He shifted slightly so he could look down at his sleeping bedfellow's face. Duo had a look of contentment on his features. The pained expression from the night before had disappeared. Heero actually breathed a prayer of thanks to the God Duo still somehow believed in. Then Heero relaxed. He allowed himself to enjoy holding Duo close to him. He knew it was something he never would have done before, but the vulnerability of the other boy in his arms made him soften towards him. He felt closer to Duo than he ever thought was possible. It was a new experience for him... feeling. At least willingly feeling was. Duo had always managed to conjure up all kinds of emotions in him, but Heero had never allowed those feelings to surface. He'd kept them locked deep within his heart. Last night, those feelings had been set free. Heero didn't think he'd ever be able to imprison them again, even if he wanted to. It would take some getting used to... feeling... but he knew if anyone could help him do it, it would be Duo. Instead of repressing the emotions Duo caused, Heero would try to embrace them. It was kind of frightening, but exciting too. He had to try. He didn't know how, but ...
Heero looked down at Duo and sighed. It was time to wake him up. Heero hated to interrupt the other boy's slumber since he'd been through so much last night, but they had to get to the next checkpoint so they'd make it in time for their pick up. Suddenly, an idea came to him, and a small smile lifted the corners of his mouth. With one motion, he captured Duo's braid. Taking the end of it, he tickled Duo's nose. Duo stirred slightly. That only encouraged Heero more. He repeated the action, only slower. Duo grunted and moved his head away. Heero couldn't believe how warm inside it made him feel to aggravate the boy who made aggravation an art. No wonder Duo loved annoying him. It felt wonderful. Once more, he took the end of Duo's braid and trailed it under his nose. Duo let out a gasp of frustration as he jerked his head, then opened his violet eyes to regard the Prussian blue ones of his tormenter.
"Good morning, sunshine," Heero greeted, his voice warm with laughter, "Thought I'd give you a little wake up call of sorts. We've got to get on the road soon."
Duo just stared at him, dumbfounded. Who was this person in bed with him? It certainly wasn't his cold-hearted partner. No. That wasn't possible. This person was smiling, almost chuckling. Heero didn't even know how to do that.
"Heero? You okay?" Duo asked cautiously.
"Yes. But I should really be asking you that. Are you okay? And don't give me the 'Yeah. Why wouldn't I be' line either. I'm not buying it anymore. We are way past that now." Heero's voice took on an almost caressing tone as he spoke.
The previous night came back to Duo then, and he remembered how Heero had been there for him. He also remembered the things he'd said to Heero before that. Duo knew he owed Heero an apology, but wouldn't Heero just rather forget about it?
"I don't understand," Duo finally said, his voice barely a whisper. He was so confused at the tenderness in Heero's eyes.
Heero brushed a stray strand of hair out of Duo's eyes, "I don't know what I did yesterday to upset you so much, but... I'm sorry. If you tell me what I did, I'll try not to do it again. I never want to see you in pain again like you were last night. You shouldn't have to hurt like that, Duo."
"What? Don't think I'm strong enough to take it?" Duo asked hotly, not knowing why Heero's soft tone suddenly angered him so much. 'Guilt,' his mind answered, 'You're really angry with yourself, and Heero being nice to you is making you feel worse.' Duo scowled at himself.
"Actually, you're stronger than I am. Even though you hide behind your smile like I hide behind my frown, you never let your defense harm someone else. You'd rather allow yourself to be hurt than hurt someone on purpose. You try to make everyone comfortable around you at all costs."
"I can't make someone else pay for the fact I can't handle my own feelings." Duo said it before he even realized what he was admitting. 'Damn, why'd I tell him that?'
Heero turned so his face was level with Duo's, "That's what I mean. You're stronger than I am. I don't understand emotions when I do have them." Heero took a deep breath, willing himself to continue, "I'm lost. Instead of facing my ignorance, I just hide behind a mask of indifference. It's easier. I don't get hurt, and soon other people leave me alone so I don't have to deal with them anymore."
Duo was stunned. Heero had never opened up to him before. Was it because of what had happened last night? Had Heero found some kind of release in comforting him? That was impossible. Heero didn't care about him... just the mission. Yet, if that was true, why was Heero doing this? When Duo didn't reply, Heero continued.
"I never allow myself to smile. I never allow myself to laugh. I never allow myself to care. I never show any of those emotions, because to do so would mean that I have to interact with others, and I can't do that when I don't understand why they say and do what they say and do. All I ever do show is anger and hate, because those feelings don't require a positive response." It was so difficult for Heero to tell Duo these things, but he knew he had to do it. "You've been the one who's had to smile, laugh, and care for both of us in this friendship. I didn't realize that until last night." Heero took Duo's chin in his fingers, tilting his face so he could look deep in Duo's eyes, "I'm not going to make you do that for me anymore, but you have to let yourself cry when you need to. You can't keep it all inside, Duo. I'm not going to let you. And I'm not going to let you cry alone either."
"Don't I get a say so here?" Duo asked shakily, Heero's touch making his breath catch, "I mean, shouldn't you ask me if I want you to do that? How do you know I'll even want you anywhere near me when I 'release my pain and anger? Maybe I'll just tell you what I told you last night." Duo's voice held a bite... a very small one. In truth, he was beginning to like the way Heero was being so gentle with him and... protective?
"Next time I won't listen to you. Next time I'll just tell you that I care more about you than I do about any damn mission." Heero saw Duo react to those words then continued, "I'm not going to let you hurt alone. The only thing you have to do is tell me what pisses you off to begin with. What did I do yesterday?"
Duo sighed, "The same thing you always do, Heero. You never respond to anything unless it has something to do with the mission. It scared me when you didn't wake up right away. When you did and began yelling at me for being concerned, it made me feel like if it had been me instead, you just would have picked me up for the sake of the mission, not because you feared for my life. I mean, because I'm your friend, I care about what happens to you personally, not just as my partner. It hurt to think that you don't feel the same way." Duo's voice was trembling. He couldn't believe he was having this discussion with Heero. It felt good to tell Heero the truth, but Duo still didn't know what had made Heero be so... so... caring.
Heero closed his eyes. He had never even thought before he'd yelled at Duo. He would try to respect Duo's feelings and not act so callous towards him in the future. "Duo, I could tell by the look in your eyes that you were paralyzed, and I was trying to get you to snap out of it. I'm sorry if it seemed like I didn't... appreciate your concern." Heero was exhausted from talking so much, but he had to admit that his heart felt better.
"I just don't want to lose you, Heero." Duo said it so softly Heero barely heard him.
"I don't want to lose you either," Heero replied, causing the other boy to gasp in shock. "I need you, Duo. I still don't understand my feelings, but at least I can talk to you about them so I can learn to understand them. You're the only person I trust that way. I want you to trust me too. You can let down your guard with me and not pretend to be happy all the time anymore. Does that sound like a deal?"
Duo heard the uncertainty in Heero's voice and knew they had just broken through a huge barrier. 'Barrier, hell, I think we just moved a mountain.' Heero truly wanted to be friends. Duo was getting one of his fondest wishes. Brightening considerably, he felt a little mischief returning. Heero needed to develop a sense of humor after all, right?
"Yeah. Besides, we've already slept together, so we have to trust each other right? We could really damage each other's reputations now that we've been 'intimate'." Heero gave him a startled look before he realized that Duo was teasing him. The smile on Duo's face warmed him. It also seemed to be contagious, because Heero smiled back.
"Baka. Don't make me have to 'omae o koruso' you." Duo laughed then, amazed at the expression on Heero's face. They just stared at each other for a moment, vowing a thousand things to each other with theirs eyes that they couldn't say with words yet. Duo finally broke the gaze.
"Well, I guess we'd better get goin'. Don't wanna keep Howard waiting. Thank God the next safe house is one of Quatre's. We'll finally get to eat some real food. Quatre keeps them stocked full of goodies."
"You and your stomach. I swear, Duo, I think you'd take a break fighting an enemy mobile suit to feed your face if you thought you could get away with it."
Heero was smiling as he said this. Duo still wasn't used to seeing him like that, so he faltered for a moment before replying with a wide grin, "How do you know I haven't tried already?"
Heero's laughter filled the cabin before they walked outside. 'I think I could get used to this,' Duo thought as he shut the door behind them. As he watched Heero look back at him to make sure he was right behind him, Duo amended his thought with, 'I could definitely get used to this.'
Heero looked back to see Duo following, wearing a familiar smile; but that wasn't what made Heero's heart swell. Even from a distance, Heero could see the light shining in Duo's eyes again. It was something he had missed, even though it had only been absent for a little while. He would make it his personal mission to keep it there for good.
End Part 1
(:./tk/liye1)
