Best Friend by Psyche

Part Eight

Midweek and things between Hilde and myself are still off. The worst part is I think I'm starting to get used to it. We've settled down into a kind of routine, just closing our eyes and ignoring each other.

Hilde seems to have withdrawn right into herself. Pays very little attention at all to the world around her. It's possible she doesn't even notice the lack of warmth between us. She's not the type to fake apathy out of spite. She's troubled by something, worrying about it all the time, and I'm not even sure whether its connected to me or not.

It could be something else.

She should tell me what the problem is so that we can put things back the way they were. It can't be nothing, however many times she smiles and says it is. And if she refuses to talk about it, what more can I do but wait? I just have to be patient, to understand, to behave as usual, not let things affect me too much.

I keep feeling I'm about to get caught up in Hilde's emotions, get pulled down with her. But I have to stay calm, and stay affectionate too, have to keep a safe place for her to come back to. Not even sure that's possible.

I hope I'm not making things worse.

Heero refuses to offer any advice.

And I need his support, or I feel like I'm against myself. I want him to tell me that I'm making the right choices.

Apparently, he's 'ill qualified.'

I can't believe he had the nerve to say that. He's my best friend, really _best_. If he's not 'qualified' to offer advice, who is?

[A section here has been scribbled out]

_He_ is--he can't just pull away now! Just because he's so fucking terrified of making a mistake--not being perfect makes life not worth living, doesn't it Heero--would that really be so dreadful? Life fucking goes on! He can't just pretend it's not important, he doesn't feel--_no_!

It--so _angry_! ...I didn't realise... He's such a coward sometimes!

I'm stopping writing--stopping doing _this_!

I'm stopping.

[This last full stop pierced the page]

Six exclamation marks. And I usually avoid the things like the plague. But slashing the pen down when you draw the line and then banging it into the page for the point feels so... it's so _good_.

The end of my last entry... I was fuming when I wrote that... I don't regret it though. No regrets--they just tie you down and keep you in the past.

At least I didn't draw the exclamation marks on Heero.

I just walked out of his house and slammed the door behind me, and haven't spoken to him since. Possibly the most idiotic thing I've done in months.

I still need his advice.

Things are really not so hot right now. Hilde started a conversation, in a way, anyway, but I still don't really know what to do. I don't understand... I don't know what it is she's trying to tell me. I can't really work out how I should act. And I'm almost pitying myself, and that's just so foolish...

I mustn't become overwhelmed.

06/07/AC205 (morning)

He's gone.

Heero's gone off to Relena somewhere, while it's her holiday.

His timing is just perfect.

06/07/AC205 (evening)

So I spent all day with Hilde today. So we had to talk.

I don't think it was really the 'healthy relationship' kind of talk, though. Never did learn how to do that--never bought the book.

Breakfast was silent, apart from the various obligatory clinks and clangs.

I'd just got off the phone with Heero. He'd called to tell me goodbye.

I wasn't really feeling up to chat.

Hilde was distracted--kept forgetting to eat and just staring off into space. Usually, it would have been cute. I would have picked up her spoon and spooned cereal into her mouth, and kissed her while she was chewing. Then she would have picked up my braid and dunked it in the milk. I'd probably laugh, and accidentally-on-purpose fall forwards onto her. We'd tumble to the floor, taking the milk with us, of course, and end up lying together in a soggy, sexy, blissful heap. And we'd kiss.

But I couldn't do that, and she didn't--couldn't... I don't think she even wanted that, so we just sat there and ate, and didn't eat. It didn't feel _right_.

And eventually, I just got up and walked away. But I didn't know what to do with myself – just kept walking around the house, picking things up, fiddling with them, going to get something to eat and then stopping because I didn't feel hungry, and probably leaving all sorts of odds and ends in the fridge while I was at it.

I picked up some scissors and slid them out of their sheath. Held them for a while in my hand. Vaguely noticed the light gleaming off the metal. Slid them back into the sheath. Ran my thumb along it, feeling the texture of the fake leather, almost absorbing it into me.

Then I took the scissors out again and slammed them down on the table. Left them there and walked away, sheath in hand, so tightly. I lent against the wall and just clutched the damn thing and breathed.

Then I went back and slid the scissors in again, then out, then in, then out again.

I found some paper and old envelopes, and cut them all to pieces, then cleared up the scraps and put them in the bin.

Hilde wandered into the room and watched me search for the last few bits. I looked up and saw her, got to my feet and moved over to put the scissors back in their sheath. But she wandered out again, and I was left frowning faintly at the door. Absently, I cut up a few more sheets of paper. Then I picked up the sheath and chopped that up as well. That broke the scissors.

After a while, I went and switched on the television, and stared at a program about the war.

Hilde had already been in there--already in the living room--but it didn't really feel like she was sitting beside me.

After a while, it did.

Just so suddenly, she was all warm, and smiling, and resting upon my shoulder almost contentedly, and I felt all the haziness changing.

As the credits rolled, she sighed and chuckled and looked in my eyes.

"Mmmm...

"It never bothers you at all, does it, that people don't know what you did."

It came out so carelessly, so warmly, so... heh, almost like a yawn. She was really trying.

I made one of those surprised/questioning noises you can't really spell. Something like 'ugn'.

Love makes you eloquent.

"Why doesn't it bother you, Duo? Or does it, and you just never told me."

"Of course it doesn't bother me." I lent back against the sofa, Hilde in my arms, and chuckled, "You know what they say, if you succeed, no-one will remember, but if you fail, no-one will forget."

She drew away from me.

"Duo, this is serious!"

I closed my eyes and allowed myself to sink backwards into the cushions. Hilde tried to jerk me upright, but I stayed put. She walked over to the other side of the room, and pulled out a hard-backed chair for herself. I opened my eyes just in time to see her sit down heavily, and turn her eyes to the ceiling.

"Duo, I want to know why you never tell me when something's bothering you."

She couldn't see my face--she was still looking upwards--but I smiled anyway. "Most things don't bother me. I'm an easy-going kind of guy."

Perhaps a shrug would have been appropriate here. I just stayed still.

Hilde leaned back further, so that now, only the back two legs of her chair were standing on the floor.

"What do you mean by that?" She said, simply.

"I just don't want you to worry about me, that's all."

"I see." And she got up, and walked away.

The chair clattered to the floor.

I'm an idiot. I remember exactly what happened today, exactly. Just obviously in the wrong language, otherwise I'd be able to understand it.

End Part 8

(:./psyche/best8)