"Looking back on the things I've done
I was trying to be someone
Played my part
Kept you in the dark
Now let me show you
The shape of my heart"
~Backstreet Boys "Shape of My Heart"
I remember clearly the day I left Duo.
I say it like this, knowing that it is not only him I left behind. But it has always felt as if it's him I abandon and him I am running from. It is never easy, however. No easier than it was to lay Meiran aside when she passed on in my arms. And yet, I still do it. I run from him every time our paths cross. Run from what he might offer and the illusion of happiness. The risk is too great, and I am not strong enough to take it.
Now, however, it is over. Most of us are settled, and there is nothing to run to any longer. My colony is gone. We were driven from China hundreds of years ago, and now, they finally succeeded in driving us from space. But I cannot say I dislike my life here on Earth.
After nearly two years of fighting, the wars have ended. For the longest time, that was my purpose, my reason for being. I never expected to survive. I knew that the last battle in space was the end, and I expected to die. I damned Treize Kushrenada. He stole that from me. He stole the right to die with honor from me, and left me to live with nothing. And I felt that way for the longest time. It drove me to searching, drove me to seek another reason for being. I thought I found that in Mariemaia. I was wrong. But as it always does, it took time for me to understand that.
At the moment, all I can do is stand here, in the glaringly white hallway, watching through the glass window of the door as Barton and Duo gather around Winner, chatting amiably. Apart, aside from it all, and always alone. It has been some time since I have seen all of them. After Dekim Barton's plan was shattered, I joined the Preventers. Despite my actions, Sally Po accepted me. The others went their separate ways. And as I always did, I watched Duo walk away from me and said nothing to stop him.
I don't know where Yuy is, but I don't really care. He did what he does best, perform the heroics, and then disappear. It's not as if I can really condemn him, however. I am moments away from turning my back and walking. The only thing that holds me here now, is the smile on Duo's face as he looks at Winner. I don't think I have ever seen that real, genuine smile directed at me. I always get the false ones, the ones he constructs to present to the world his smiling idiot facade. But what can I expect? I have never done anything to encourage him. The one time I was brave enough to let my true feelings show, I left him. So if he hates me now, I have no one to blame but myself.
As I said, it was not easy. If you wish to hate me as well, at least know that. I thought on it all night and well into the morning of the next day. Tired and hurting, I sat and watched over him, traced the lines of his face with my eyes while he slept. He looked so innocent, so without care. I have never seen that expression on his face. Something inside of me then, contracted, squeezed painfully around my heart. I recognized in him an innocence then, that none of us have or ever will have again. I wanted to touch him, just once. But I didn't. And the longer I stared at him, the more frightened I became.
It had been wrong of me to kiss him. The circumstances under which I did it was out of a mixture of relief and fear. I can only tell you my heart stopped when he fell over the edge of that cliff. The sense of loss was overwhelming. It nearly killed me, because I had only felt that way once before; when I lost my wife to an attack on our colony. I knew then, that the power Duo held over me was the kind I never wished another human to have. There are all kinds of deaths, but the one in which you experience when you lose someone you care for, is the worst of all. Because though you feel nothing inside, you have to go on, you have to seek a reason. So I took Nataku, and I made her my reason.
In the hands of Winner, Barton, and Yuy, I knew Duo would be safe and would recover. He is strong. He has never needed anyone else to hold him up. I would simply have be in the way, because I didn't know how to give him what he needed. I was scared of what giving myself to him would mean, and frightened of what it would take away from my reason. The missions filled me up. They took away the emptiness inside and gave me something. I would protect the colonies, and fight for Meiran's justice. She had told me I was strong, but I knew it to be a lie. I was not strong at all. I couldn't save her, and I couldn't save my colony when it was destroyed.
But I want to save myself.
Caring for Duo took some of my focus off my reason for fighting. It felt wonderful, but when something feels good that does not necessarily mean it is good. What would happen if I let Duo fill me, and then he left me? I would be empty again. I don't think I could stand the pain of losing someone that way again, whether he dies or whether he just grows tired of me. So instead, I left him, and kept my mission foremost in my mind. But I never forgot. When I wasn't with him, I thought of him. When I saw him, I bled inside. Duo brings such light with him wherever he goes. He is so much more alive than he realizes. I want to absorb some of that, but not at the expense of him or myself.
Yet, I don't want to leave now. Not yet. I want to watch him as long as I can, catch him unguarded and unknowing. Because when I leave, I don't think I will see him again.
The realization of my feelings for him came out of my irritation.
While we moved from school to school to keep our cover, Duo was always there. He was always smiling, always talking, and always dogging my shadow. I knew what he was trying to do. He thought I needed to get to know them all better, to seek out some sort of social recreation. All I wanted was to be alone. The cover was perfect, so I accepted it. The time spent there, apart from missions, where we focused on school work, was a blessing to me. Some hated it, but for me, it was an escape. I could study and work at getting excellent marks for myself. And have something simple, something I loved.
At first, he annoyed me nearly beyond relief. I tried everything I knew, including outright insult to get him to go away. I will give the boy one thing, he is very persistent. And strong. Only he could take my insults, and keep coming back for more.
So I became used to him, grew accustomed to his habits and his ways. I began to look forward to his incessant chatter, his constant visits almost without realizing. Some days, I sought him out, though I lied to myself, and to him to keep from admitting it. Duo pined over Yuy anyway. We could all see this; how Duo tried, how the fool rebuffed him, and how Duo hurt because of it. But I am no better. I could not even get up the courage to tell him how I felt, even knowing Yuy was only an obstacle in Duo's mind.
Sexuality has never been that much of a consideration for me. Meiran and I never consummated our marriage. We were children, and we spent more time arguing than anything else. I don't think it ever really occurred to either of us that we could be happy. We were simply too busy misunderstanding each other and refusing to see past our own stubborn views. It was only near the end, that I realized I loved her. Only as she died in my arms, that I realized she had become a necessary part of my life. One moment too late. I have always been one moment too late. My weakness, my hesitation forces me to lose what I love.
And yet, here I am, thinking to make the very same mistake.
But I won't consider that yet. Not yet.
When I realized I cared for Duo, I was only mildly startled. That he was another male, was not that much of concern. I was raised in a traditional culture, with ways that reached back in time to reveal things most people have no notion of today. But that does not mean my way of thinking is not modern. I could care for Duo the same as I could for Meiran, only in a different way. I see beyond labels, beyond faces. I can only see what we could have. But I can't reach for it. Not because Duo is male, but because I care for him. And as simple as it may seem to come out and say that, it isn't. It never is.
It is amazing to me, how much a person can grow with time. There are moments I do not even feel like the same person. I certainly know I'm not. Thinking back, to the days when I spent hours in the pursuit of knowledge, seems like a lifetime ago. I became Chang Wufei the Gundam pilot, who took lives as was necessary and never looked back. Each and every one, I remember. Not names, but faces. Nameless faces. As Treize Kushrenada did. A man that remembered whose lives he was responsible for. I hated him for that. That insight into his humanity in the midst of our battle. But I hated him more for dying. Of everyone, only he could really understand the ideals I brought into fighting.
Justice. There is no justice. Only my own personal sense of it, and my own personal sense of integrity. I saw the world, and I saw it had no honor. I think the realization of that hardened me. People live without thought for each other, or what it means to truly live. They are consumed with their need for more, not their need for living a better life. In the search for it, they don't care who they trample along the way. That is what war is. A quest for more power, where many people get hurt for the sake of a few. And it changed me. Killed my idealism. But that really began to die when Meiran did.
Before, I lived in a world of my own making. One where academics had the answer to everything. I was superior in my knowledge of peace, and nothing Meiran could say would change my mind. I suppose I thought that if I clung to my ideals, and let the fighting go on around me, I would somehow be proven right. I wasn't. Perhaps fighting is never the true answer, but neither is standing by and allowing it to happen. And, as selfish as it sounds, I fought for her. I fought for Meiran. It was only later, after meeting up with the other pilots, that I really began to fight for the colonies.
It has taken me a long time to get to the point that I am at now. Yet, for all I finally understand about fighting (and I can't understand it all; as difficult as it is for me, I finally realize that you cannot know everything. Life is about learning as you go along), I still can't sort through my emotions. Navigating them is far more difficult than being a Gundam pilot ever was. Understanding them is nearly impossible.
Shifting slightly, I fold my arms across my chest and lower my head, keeping my face expressionless.
"You should go in and chat with them, Wufei. They'll be leaving soon," a voice says at my elbow.
Slanting Sally Po a glance, I say, "They are busy."
She smirks. I dislike that expression. It tells me she knows something I have no desire for her to know, or that she knows something I don't. Just like a woman. Meiran was the same way. But Sally Po, like my wife, is strong. Her personality is forceful, and oftentimes annoys me, but I admire her. I would not tell her that aloud, however, for I refuse to give her fuel for her ego.
"We did a good job, hm?" She remarks, settling against the wall next to me.
Clearly, my words were not an invitation to her. Yet, as always, she disregards what I say and does as she pleases. In that respect, she reminds me of Duo. Entirely too many things remind me of Duo. I thought that by now, with over a year and a half passing from that day I left him, that I could let go of my feelings for him. But I have not. They stay with me, a constant, painful companion. And I cannot do a thing about it.
"We would do well not to become overly focused on that," I say, wanting to discourage her from being so free with her praise.
"Not everything good comes with something bad tacked on to it, you know," she tells me.
I am only half listening to her. Duo has moved away from the others and is walking toward the door. For all my training, for all my discipline, my insides still clench and my heart beats just a bit faster. I hate this effect he has on me. It makes me weak. Only I can see it, but in my mind, that is bad enough. No matter how I try to shake him, he will never leave.
He still has that ridiculous braid. It sways with his movements, catching my eyes, forcing me to wonder what it would feel like unbound, and wrapped around my hands. I can see he still favors black as well. Beneath the Preventer jacket, he has black jeans and a dark, maroon shirt. Part of me is afraid he will agree to Sally's offer of a position and stay, and part of me is afraid he won't and will leave. I don't know what I want. And I hate that. Indecision is something I have always detested. Most especially in myself.
The door opens.
I remain as I am, effecting an unconcerned, almost bored expression. Duo will never see how he makes me feel.
"Hey, Sally, Wufei! Looks like we're all done here," he greets, grinning.
Always that smile.
Sally walks over to him. He is taller than her now. It is disconcerting, only because that makes him slightly taller than me. I am still used to us being on the same level. When you wish to be in control, you will take any advantage you can.
"Are you sure you won't accept the offer, Duo?"
He waves his hand. "Naw. Thanks, but I like salvaging. You know, scouring space for floating parts, climbing great piles of wreckage..."
She laughs. "You make it sound like a grand adventure."
Duo winks. "It is."
He turns to look at me now, and in his face, I can read nothing. For all he exudes openness, Duo Maxwell is as closed as the rest of us. It is frustrating. I wonder if he expects me to say something, if he even remembers that day, on the cliffs, when I grabbed him and kissed him only once. He probably doesn't. I am probably wasting my time, thinking about this like a pathetically lonely fool. It is easy to see that he has moved on with his life, while I, for all the changes, am standing still.
"Hey, Wu, don't hog the conversation. It's rude of you to talk so much."
I eye him stonily, saying nothing. I never have anything worthwhile to say to Duo's banter.
"Gee, Sally," Duo continues, "how do you ever get word in?"
Sally grins behind her hand, but I still catch it.
"When you are finished mocking me, perhaps you would like to do something more constructive?" I say, my words colder than I meant them to be.
Something flashes across Duo's face. It is so brief, however, that I have no time to decipher it. Surely it was not hurt. Nothing I have ever said to Duo penetrates through that mask. For him to be hurt, would mean he has to care. And I doubt he even gives me much thought anymore.
"But Wufei, mocking you _is_ constructive," Duo tells me, tugging his braid.
I never could understand why he tugs on his braid as if it is a rope. If I were compelled to mess with my hair so much, I would cut it off. But then, we are talking about Duo Maxwell here, and he tends to be eccentric.
"For idiots like yourself, perhaps," I return, falling into that familiar pattern. How strange, that it would be this easy after all this time.
He sticks his tongue out at me.
"Are you two certain you're the Duo Maxwell and Chang Wufei mature enough to take down terrorists?" Sally asks us, raising one eyebrow.
"Nope. I've never claimed to be mature," Duo returns.
"I doubt he even knows the definition of the word," I add, watching Duo blink. No, it looked more like a flinch...
Fisting his hands on his hips, he says, "I'm not as stupid as I look, thank you."
I smirk. "That remains to be seen"
Duo turns away from me. "Listen, Sally. I need to get back. Got a tip off for a great location and I want to beat the pirates there."
"Pirates?"
He nods. "Yeah, they salvage like some of us, only they take it by force if someone gets there first."
Her expression becomes serious. "Something should be done about that..."
If I know Sally, something now will be.
"That'd take all the excitement out of it."
Leave it to Maxwell to consider being attacked and robbed fun. He was, after all, the pilot that called himself the God of Death. I suppose he considers it only natural that chaos follow him wherever he goes. It certainly seems to have an affinity for him.
"Be careful. And don't be such a stranger. Drop by Preventer headquarters and visit. I don't want you thinking we only want you around when we could use your help," Sally adds teasingly.
Duo grins, giving her a hug. My jaw tightens. It would never be that easy between us. And I am a fool for feeling even a slight pang over it.
"It's okay, Sally. I don't hold it against you guys."
"Well," she tells him, pulling away, "that's a relief."
He turns to me again. "See ya around, Wufei."
Is it my imagination, or do his eyes linger on me just the slightest bit more? No. It is merely wishful thinking. An illusion created by my weak mind and foolish heart.
I nod. I can't say anything. If I say good-bye, it sounds final. If I tell him I will see him around, it is a lie.
He tugs his braid again. Then, with one last wave, he leaves.
And I let him.
Sally watches after him. "Too bad we couldn't get him to stay."
The sound I make is noncommittal.
Her eyes are on me now. I can feel them. It is only with a supreme effort that I pull myself away from Duo's retreating form.
The look she gives me raises alarm. It is the one she gets just before she presents something to me she knows I will not like.
"You need a vacation, Wufei. You haven't taken one since you joined."
"I have no need for a vacation," I dismiss, not telling her the real reason. That I have no where to go. And no one to share it with.
"Of course you do, Wufei!" She shoots back, the exasperation in her tone evident. "You can't work all the time."
"It suits me fine," I inform her, my tone one that leaves no room for further discussion. But, of course, Sally Po will ignore that.
"Just think about it, will you? And go say good-bye to Trowa and Quatre, you anti-social buffoon."
Having said that, she spins on her heel and stalks off.
I look to Trowa and Quatre, conversing quietly, their heads close together. I would only be interrupting. And it would only be more good-byes.
Instead, I turn and walk away.
Frowning in frustration, I turn on my side, punching my fist into my pillow again in an attempt to give it more shape. It works no more than my attempts to get to sleep. The clock reveals it to be shortly after 3AM. I have been tossing and turning for hours, my body tired, but my mind alert. Sally's words, as ridiculous as they were, stick with me. A vacation. What would I need of a vacation? As I said, I have no where to go. It would be a waste of time.
Sighing, I finally give up and flop over onto my back, lacing my fingers behind my head and staring at the darkened ceiling. If I close my eyes, I see Duo's back as he walks away from me, as I let him walk away from me again. Fear keeps me silent. The fear that he will not return my feelings, the fear that he will. I make no sense. I realize this. When it comes to my feelings, I am always the most confused. Which is why I avoid them.
"A vacation..." I murmur aloud.
Something clicks inside of me, something I was trying to avoid.
No. I won't think of it. I won't do it. What would I say to him? That I chased after him to tell him I care? That would be the most logical, yes, and the truth. But it would be difficult. No, it would be beyond difficult. It would be easier for me to take on a Preventer mission all by myself. I can navigate a mine field, I cannot navigate my heart.
I close my eyes. I feel empty. A different sort of empty from loneliness. The emptiness I only get after seeing Duo again.
Will I feel this way for the rest of my life, if I do not finally get up the courage to at least tell him? Perhaps rejection would be better than not knowing. At least then, I will know for certain. Either way, I am hurting. This is of my own doing, and it will only be by my own actions that I undo it. I was not lying, however, when I said this is difficult. It will be one of the hardest things I have ever done.
I suppose that decides it then.
Even as I am still coming to terms with that, my hand closes over the phone and I am dialing. It rings, a distant chime in my ear in comparison to the volume of my thoughts.
"Hello?" A groggy voice answers.
"Sally, it is Wufei. As of now, I am officially on vacation for a week."
A pause. "Good for you." Then she hangs up on me.
Before I can stop it, I am smiling. I feel relieved. Taking action always helps to center me. This is only the first step, however, and that is daunting. I realize it is not going to be an easy thing. Nothing to do with Duo Maxwell ever is. But I have a place to start. Before I take a shuttle, I will have to locate him. With that done, there is only getting there. And then talking with him.
That will be the hardest part of all.
End Part 1
(:./jen/moment1)
