7 Jun 2000
DISCLAIMER: All Gundam Wing characters are property of Sunrise, Bandai Visuals, Sotsu Agency, and Asahi TV. This work is not written for profit, but for entertainment purposes only.
WARNINGS: Shonen-ai (will become lemon); angst; some sap (my fault, not Tzi's)
Pairing: 6x5/5x6 (Implied 13x6, 13x5)
Authors's Notes: La Vita Va Su is set in the summer of A.C. 196. Zechs has returned to Earth and is living in Luxembourg after being presumed dead in the explosion of the Libra. Wufei is deep in mourning over Treize's death and is also in Luxembourg, living in the old Romefeller mansion in which Treize was imprisoned during the war.
Key for punctuation:
character dialogue - quotation marks
character thoughts - slashes
>>Never a day goes by when I can't see his face And I can hear a thundering voice that no one will replace But since he left you've been hiding out and I can understand It seems to me about that time you should be coming back again<<
It had been the hardest thing he'd ever done and now he was regretting it. The place seemed all wrong: open and sunny, nothing but blue sky and the greenest grass surrounding the clean white marble headstones. /Headstones? Plural? Who's in the other one?/
Zechs Marquise walked slowly, stiffly over to the graves. It had been several months since the end of the Eve Wars and he still found himself in pain much of the time. But this trip to Earth, painful as it had been, was an obligation he would not have abandoned for anything.
Kneeling in front of the headstones, he let his fingers trace the outline of the name, following every line, every curve with adoration and grief. He looked over at the other grave marker and saw his own name carved into the cold stone. For a moment he felt lightheaded and the sound of that horrible, concussive blast came back to him. He had thought, no he had *known* that he would be dead by the time that explosion was finished. But when the smoke and fire and heat had dissipated through the walls of the ruined cockpit, Zechs Marquise had been left, drifting in space and barely clinging to life. He touched his own gravestone and murmured, "The rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated..."
A noise behind him made him stand suddenly and turn his head toward the path that lead from the entrance to the cemetery. The last thing he wanted was for anyone Treize knew to see him here, alive and on earth. He noticed the clump of tall lilac bushes to the left of the graves and ducked behind them. He would wait until the visitor was gone, and then he would talk to his lover.
The rustling sound of steady gait, shifting grass and pebble, became steadily louder, finally coming to a stop only a few feet away. The rustle of leaves, the quiet sound of an unsteady breath that was heard even from Zechs's hiding place, finally accompanied by the softest of miserable exhalations. "Treize..."
Something about the voice, barely heard but noticeable nonetheless, made the tall blond look out from behind the bushes. His face paled when he saw the dark, glossy hair and rigid back of Chang Wufei. Part of him was angry at the boy for coming. This was Treize's grave and Treize's lover wanted to be alone with his memories... with his regrets.
But there had been something between his lover and the boy standing there. It wasn't possible to deny it, even though he'd wished a thousand times that he could. Wufei's existence was agony to Zechs -- a living reminder that Treize had given up on him and taken someone else in his place.
Even as he watched, the slim form knelt, slumping forward as fingers traced slowly over the words cut so deeply into the stone. Aside from that single whisper as he'd arrived, no words were spoken.
To Wufei, words seemed superfluous. The complete and utter abandonment and guilt that raged and stormed through his veins, had for two months, were more than enough, heavier than any phrase of regret he could utter. There had been moments when he had almost forgotten -- almost -- but even those had been few and far between, scattered here and there with vague torturous memory.
He'd left his fellow pilots still celebrating; slipped out with his Gundam as quietly as possible and come to Earth...
Come to Earth to haunt the places where he'd met with Treize, as Treize haunted him. Come to Earth to be alone and to suffer without anyone to see it or share the humiliation he felt at being unable to hide it.
Eyes so dark they were almost black welled up with tears, fat and heavy; tears he'd cried every day, even though he tried to deny them. /No forgiveness... ever.../
There was something in the tilt of the boy's head, part resignation and part disbelief, that struck a chord in the older man. He had been there --could still be taken to that same dark place by a scrap of paper with Treize's handwriting on it, or the smell of certain dark, red roses.
Reluctant as he was to share this spot with anyone, something compelling about Wufei made him move forward, His voice, when he spoke, was low and quiet. "Wufei. I see we both had the same idea."
It seemed at first that his words would go unheard; no motion came to signify that he had been, no movement as a shimmering silver streak traced down a rounded cheek only now beginning to sharpen a bit more with the steady encroachment of yet another birthday, one that would go ignored and unknown by anyone. Finally, however, that head turned, gaze blank and empty. "Marquise..." The sound of it was dull, as if shock was impossible, as if any further hurt could not be heaped upon that already there. "Of course. You're here. I shouldn't be..."
Zechs took a step closer, staring into Wufei's dark eyes as if the gaze itself could pull the boy out into the light. Something was very, very wrong with Altron's former pilot and for all the resentment and pain Wufei represented, a part of Zechs couldn't, in clear conscience, let it go unaddressed. "Why would you say a thing like that?" he asked, genuinely curious about the answer.
"I killed him." The answer was somehow numbing, as if it was an ice-cold blade, and chill nausea rose as he gave it. "I shouldn't be here." The thorn tipped bramble roses, wild, ached in his palm as he squeezed a fist around them, reminding himself he was alive, no matter how unfair it was. "You, though..." The words riffled off into a barren whisper. "He loved you."
"Yes," Zechs voice was soft. "And look how I repaid that amazing gift. I understood him far too late and by that time..." He let his voice trail off, visions of the past welling up until they seemed to block out reality itself. Casting another glance at Wufei, he lowered his head and whispered, "And I wasn't his only love. Not even his last..."
Again came that vague pause as if it was difficult -- no, impossible -- to pull the words from wherever they lay. "No. It's not true. You were. You were, or I...." Wufei's tenor, harsh, trembled on the edge of that thought before he shook his head as if to clear it. "Or this burden..."
Almond eyes squeezed tightly shut. "I should go." He rose, releasing the wreath of wild red roses with their blood-tipped thorns from his torn palm and allowing them to tumble to the grass below, head amazingly light as it had been since... Then.
Zechs never did quite understand, then or afterwards, what made him reach out for the retreating boy's wrist. But reach he did and turned the boy around to face him. With the other hand he picked up the abandoned wreath. "If you brought this to honor him," Zechs said, his low voice firm, "you shouldn't treat it like garbage. Take it and give it to him properly. To leave it lying on the ground is disrespectful."
Empty gaze landed on the little wreath of wild red roses and Wufei moved, pulling himself loose from Zechs to grasp it gingerly this time, carefully propping it atop the tombstone that seemed so terribly permanent; a perpetual horror. He wanted to ask if it was all right... but the words wouldn't come, stuck in his throat as they were.
Instead, he turned easily to move away again. /Back to that house... back to his prison... my prison..../
The empty Romafeller mansion where Treize had been kept as faction raged against faction, war ravaging the face of the Earth, the peaceful depths of space, was no more and no less than he deserved. /Empty... so alone.... the last of my people.../
The dark-haired boy had taken a few steps away from him when Zechs spoke next. "I'm sorry, Wufei." It took all he had in the way of courage and humility and graceful acceptance of a hated idea, but he'd needed to do it. To apologize to Treize's lover for bringing on the death of the beloved. "I know it must mean less to you than the dirt we're standing on, but I *am* sincere and I offer my apologies to you most humbly."
A wild pain-filled little sound broke loose. "Don't mock me! Don't... don't..." While the sincerity seemed so real, it was impossible to separate that which was real from that which was completely in his mind and he turned a haggard expression to the tall blond, beginning to tremble violently. /Weak scholar boy./ Meiran's voice rang in the halls of his mind, mingling with Treize's... Mingling with Zechs's... "Don't..."
The well that swallowed him up was deep and black and it went on forever.
"Wufei -" The boy wasn't looking well at all, and now it seemed almost as if he were about to faint. Zechs crossed the distance between them and caught Wufei as he swayed a bit too far. Holding the ex-pilot firmly but at arms length he looked sternly into the large black eyes. "I am *not* mocking you. I am offering you the only thing I can give. I know it won't change anything. I know it won't bring him back. I know it won't make your life any different, but I need to offer it and you, I believe, need to *hear* it, even if you think it's a pile of crap!" His frown had deepened while he spoke and now he looked the boy up and down before steering him towards the bench against the lilac bushes. "Now be sensible -- come over here and sit down for a moment."
The mechanical movements were easy, once something resembling an order had been given. He sat on the cold stone, the urge to duck his head between his knees and try to get the blood back into his brain ignored. /When was the last time I ate? I don't remember... What kind of an idiot forgets something like that?/ "Aa," he murmured, looking at the ground instead of at Zechs. Anywhere but at that tall golden man who'd deserved better than this, better than to live with the torture of having murdered someone so loved.... "I shouldn't have made the assumption..."
Zechs's voice was low and quiet. "No, you shouldn't have. I'm not a beast, you know, as much as I've acted like one. And I don't much go in for humiliating people that I don't know well." He looked the boy over again and was appalled that close up he could see evidence of weight loss the boy couldn't afford and dark circles under his eyes that spoke of sleeplessness. /Why should I care? This man -- this boy -- took Treize away >from me. What's it to me if he lives or dies?/ The blond frowned for a moment and then, from somewhere small and painful inside of him, /Because it would have been important to Treize. This boy was important to Treize, much more so than you were. And Treize wouldn't have wanted the most important person in his life to be suffering this much./ Zechs frowned down at his feet, swallowing the painful thoughts -- trying hard to accept them -- before continuing to speak. "You look like hell. You obviously haven't been eating, or sleeping for that matter. Where are you staying now?"
The answer was reluctant and a blatant lie, really, but Wufei didn't particularly care for truths or lies; they so often were the same, all in a breath, weren't they? And 'I love you' was the worst lie of all. "Nowhere in particular," he murmured. "War's over. Everything... Well. Here and there." The realization that he sounded more than a little incoherent didn't shake him overly much.
Zechs cast a sharp, sidelong glance at Wufei, worried about his rambling speech and vacant eyes. /I should say something comforting, I suppose, though I don't feel especially nurturing at the moment. But it's what he would have wanted, and it's fitting punishment for me./ Looking over at the unassuming wreath, the blond man took a deep breath and spoke. "I'm sure Treize would appreciate you coming here. I know that..." /Damn this is hard./ "He thought more highly of you than he did of anyone else. And the fact that you remembered him and brought the flowers would have touched him deeply. Where... wherever he is, I know he must understand how you feel."
"He DOESN'T!" Wufei shouted, standing quickly and swaying again, anger flooding his face as he turned to glare at Zechs with something approaching hatred that faded into confusion. "He doesn't," Wufei said in a more normal tone of voice. "If he knew, if he cared, if he gave so much as a tinker's DAMN, I... no.. WE... wouldn't be SITTING HERE LIKE THIS!" He didn't realize he was shouting again as those tears welled up. "He doesn't *care*," Wufei stressed in disgust. "He doesn't... wouldn't... can't... oh, God, I killed him..."
Zechs was on his feet as soon as the distraught boy stood. He let the angry words wash over him without reacting himself and was amazed at how well he pulled it off. "Now listen to me, Wufei. That man loved you. He thought the world of you and I won't have you cheapening what he felt..." Zechs was fighting back the anguish that came with those words, the loss, the grief, "... just because you're angry with him. Treize was a man who cared so deeply that no one could understand him. And I'll be damned if I'm going to let *you* of all people say that he didn't. Now get a hold of yourself and stop being so bloody ungrateful to the man who loved you."
"I don't want anything to touch him deeply," Wufei rasped out, the fire that had begun in his eyes fading and dying out with those words. "I want him to be ALIVE again. Somebody like me, a killer like me, doesn't have the right to live when someone like him is gone. I don't want to be ungra...grateful. I... want.... Tre..." The unhappy whisper trailed off into silence. "I don't understand," he said finally, withdrawing further into the shell he'd been building for the majority of the three months since Treize's death.
The tall blond was at his limit, physically and mentally. It was pure agony just being with this boy -- hearing him talk about the two of them and just accepting it as if, yes of course, that was the way if should have been. And he'd tried so hard to be supportive to Wufei just now. He'd said everything that his grieving heart would let him say and nothing, nothing had gotten in. Nothing had made a difference, nothing was acknowledged. And he couldn't do it anymore right then. He wasn't merely a bystander trying to help a grieving lover. He was the lover that this boy had replaced. And selflessness could only be sustained so long before it collapsed.
He turned from the boy and walked to the headstone. Getting down on his knees, he kissed it gently and then rose. He straightened his back, waist length hair falling in a smooth mass down his back. "He won't be coming back. There's nothing you or I can do to change that. But becoming angry and bitter is as much a dishonor to his memory as spitting on this stone would be, and I can't listen to any more of it. Goodbye, Wufei."
Having said all he could say, the weary blond man turned and walked away from the graves, hoping that the second would be filled soon.
The soft sounds of broken whispers followed behind him.
End of Part 1
(:./kumiko/lvvs1)
