01-Jun-2000
Title: An Idle Promise
Category: Songfic
Pairings: 1+2
Warnings: Shounen Ai, Dark, Death, Angst, POV, Sad
Notes: "Sour Girl" is by Stone Temple Pilots. Lyrics have been slightly
modified to fit the fic. Thanks to Angel Ikari for betaing!
[He turned away, what was he looking at?
He was a sour boy the day that he met me
Hey, what are you looking at?
He was a happy boy the day that he left me]
You told me not to go after you. But God, Heero, how can I not? I love you too much not to pursue you... wherever you go.
I'm still baffled as to why you said that to me. I could understand if you had told Relena not to, but why me? You told me you loved me, Heero. If that's true, why don't you want me to be with you? I've been good, and I've tried so very hard to stay away, but it's killing me inside. I'm not so sure I can keep my promise to you, but I don't want to be a liar. God knows I hate them.
[What would you do?
What would you do if I follow you?
What would you do? I follow]
There's this feeling deep down inside of me, begging to be with you. Begging to feel your touch, your warmth, smell your scent, bask in the glory that is you.
But if I followed you, would you hate me? Hate me for being an ignorant fool? Hate me for being weak? For screwing up another mission? Would you push me away for not obeying orders?
Or do you believe in forgiveness? I know that even after the war, you were unable to forgive yourself for killing all of those people. No matter how hard I tried to heal the wound in your heart, I don't think I ever could. I know *I* haven't forgiven *myself* for killing innocents... Father Maxwell...Sister Helen...Solo... It was all my fault.
[Don't turn away, what are you looking at?
He was so happy on the day that he met him
Say, what are you looking at?
I was a superman, the looks are deceiving ]
Somehow I am still unable to make myself believe all of this. Nothing had gone wrong before... How could this happen to a Perfect Soldier? All of our missions had been successes, and all of us were able to progress with our lives - if only for a while. Even you.
Some way or another I wedged my way into your heart. I unlocked what you had tried so hard to remain a secret. And although it took us time to sort everything out, in the end, we made it. So why did this have to happen?
[The rollercoaster ride's a lonely one
I pay the ransom note to stop it from steaming ]
A whirlwind of thoughts and undecided options spin through my head like a mad man. Follow you or stay put? Obey or rebel? Remain loyal to a promise I know someday will eat me alive...? I wish someone else could make the decision for me; end the conflict raging in my mind and heart.
But that wouldn't be fair. To you or me. When will this end?
[Hey, what are you looking at?
He was a teenage boy when he met me ]
I don't regret ever meeting you. I think, no I'm *sure*, that I'd rather suffer through this than to live a lifetime, even an eternity, without ever knowing you. Even though I almost killed you when the both of us met, there was still something... a pang in my chest that wouldn't go away... a premonition: we'd always be together. Now I'm not too sure that my first instincts were correct. Yes, we grew to love one another, but would our time together prove to be forever? With the past events that have occurred, I think our time together was cut much too soon. Unless, that is, I do something about it.
[What would you do?
What would you do if I follow you?
What would you do? I follow
What would you do? ]
Opposing forces riot in my head again. I know I have to make my decision soon, or else I may lose myself along with you. God knows desperate men go to desperate measures.
[The boy got reasons
They all got reasons ]
Of course there must be *some* explanation - why you don't want me to follow your trail. But what?
The incident was like a blaze of motion and feeling that blurred my senses. It's becoming harder and harder to remember exactly what happened, but my memory is still able to paint the last moments so vividly in my mind.
[What would you do?
Hey, what are you looking at?
He was a happy boy the day that he left me
The day that he left me
The day that he left me ]
I remember holding your body close to mine, your life dwindling away, blood seeping into my clothes. You know, you stained those clothes, permanently. I can't get your blood out, no matter how hard I try to wash it away.
Your hands. I can still remember their touch, softly stroking at my cheek. You were brushing my tears away, blood on the tips of your icy fingers mixing with the salty solution.
Even though I could see and feel the pain in your fading cobalt gems, you were smiling. So full of love, expectation, hope, yearning... I can still recall your last words as if it were yesterday... "Duo, I love you... You taught me... how to live... Please... don't follow me..."
Oh gods, Heero, I'm sorry. Sorry that you had to die. Sorry that this had to happen. So sorry I can't fulfill your final wish. Sorry doesn't begin to convey it.
Heero, I can't live without you. I eye the cool black metal in my hands, playing with its contraptions. The object was so lifeless and cold, like you... like me. I clutch it to my temple, shutting my eyes tight, holding my breath. Those damned tears still streaking across my cheeks.
[He was a happy boy the day that he left me
The day that he left me
The day that he left me ]
I squeeze the trigger, a smile crossing my lips. Heero, I'm coming...
[He was a happy boy the day that he left me]
The End
(:./asuka/promise)
