6 Oct 2001
Category: POV, Angst?, shounen-ai, friendship
Rating: PG
Pairings: None really, mention of 1+2
Warnings: Can't really think of any. Oh wait, it goes a little sappy toward the end.
Feedback: C&C
Notes: Just a weird introspective piece in Duo's POV. Make of it what you will.
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing and its characters belongs to Bandai, Sunrise and Sotsu Agency and are only being used for non profit entertainment purposes.
Has anyone ever said to you that insanity sucks? Well it does. I should know. I've been losing my tender hold on sanity for years. It's funny though, I never would have pegged me for turning into a nutboy. My money would have been on Heero without a doubt. All those repressed feelings that I had to wheedle out of him all those years both during and after the war should have made him a prime candidate for going psycho. Nope. Who knew he would be the most adaptable to change.
Quatre maybe... I know everyone blamed the Zero System for his one foray into the world of madness. Hey, if you dropped into the madness zone once, surely you would do so again. Not our golden boy Q. He's living a pretty happy life on L4 with a wife and kids. (Yet another thing I would have EVER predicted. He seemed so ... um ... how do I put this? He was mighty attached to Trowa and you would figure with so many sisters the last thing he would want to spend his life with would be with a woman).
Wufei would never allow such a weakness known as insanity touch his life. He'd kick its ass with his katana no doubt. He was in the Preventers for a while before he decided to embrace his scholarly side. He went back to school, got a law degree and now is on the fast track to becoming a judge. Sorry that just makes me laugh.
Trowa. He has always been a wildcard to me. Would he go mad? I don't know. I never really got to know him at all. It's my fault I assure you. Trowa liked to isolate himself from people and if it weren't for Quatre's devotion to the guy, you would have never seen him ever. What do I know about Trowa? Only the things that Quatre would voluntarily tell me. He had a tough early life. Hell, who didn't? On the surface it seemed like he didn't care about anything, but deep down he cared about everything.
What do I really know about Trowa? Well he packs a mean punch when he wants to. On moonbase when he hit me, he pulled no punches. I was in real pain as he passed me that little gift from the scientists about Wufei and my Gundams. He destroyed my best friend Deathscythe. I know it's crazy that my best friend wasn't Quatre or even Heero, but my mobile suit. Hey, he and I went through hell and back to be together, we were the best of friends. He saved my ass more than once and I protected him to the best of my ability. Until Trowa blew him out of space.
After the war, we all kind of went our merry ways. I tried to persuade Heero to live with me. I mean after all those years of trying to get him to sleep with me, it paid off. We were lovers by the end of the war, but apparently he didn't love me enough to want to live with me. Fine. I moved in with Hilde and worked at what I did best, ferreting out junk and making it treasure.
Hilde. God love her. She was the first and only one to tell me what others probably had been guessing for years. She was the only who told me she thought I was nuts. Okay, she didn't put it that bluntly. But she noticed the changes in me before I did. The nightmares were nothing new, but now they were terrifying only in the sense that on more than one occasion when I woke up I was in the process of truly hurting Hilde. The first time I tried to strangle her. Her well place knee to my crotch woke me up with tears of pain in my eyes. As I called her every name in the book, I noticed the handprints that were starting to bruise her neck. She wouldn't come out and say that I hurt her, but I knew I did. I felt awful.
I started developing paranoia about everything. I would yell at people for looking at me or Hilde funny. I stopped leaving our house because I was sure someone was out to get me. And after I awoke from a nightmare to see I had almost stabbed Hilde, I started locking myself in the spare bedroom at night. She would encourage me to seek help. I went a few times. They tried talking to me and getting me to talk. Funny ne? I'm considered the motormouth, yet I didn't have a damn thing to say to those shrinks. They gave up, gave me lithium and sent me on my happy go lucky way.
Hilde stuck it out with me longer than she really had any right to. I knew she loved me and dammit I loved her too in my way. The lithium calmed me to the point I was merely a low functioning zombie, so I stopped taking the meds. I knew it was a risk and one I didn't want to subject sweet Hilde to. So I packed some things in a backpack and headed out, leaving a sincere note wishing her happiness and thanking her for her hospitality.
Heero was the first person I sought out. Boy, you'd think I'd learn, huh. He allowed me to stay in his home, but he wanted nothing to do with getting close again. He was fumbling through a romance with Relena and thought I would make things worse. If I thought he still loved me... did he ever love me? Was that just delusion on my part? Ah, wandering thoughts another example of my unstableness. If I thought he loved me, I would make things impossible with Relena.
I think he thought I was joking when I told him I was insane. He assumed it was a ploy to gain sympathy and woo him back into my bed. Oh yeah that's a turn on line if ever I heard one, "Hi Heero, I'm nuts, make love to me!" Ah, but when my problems started manifesting themselves again, I saw something I had never really seen in Heero's eyes. Fear. Fear of what? Got me. Maybe I was too much of a reminder that he could go just as nuts as me. He encouraged me to see someone, but I showed him my full bottle of lithium and said to him been there done that. He didn't exactly kick me out his apartment but I knew he wanted to. I really debated whether I should drag it out or move on to see if there was someone out there who could understand me.
The pity in Relena's eyes when she stopped by to see Heero was enough to make my decision. I hate pity. I would rather have her hate me than pity me. She gave me a list of capable psychiatrists in the Sank Kingdom. I smiled and thanked her. She and Heero went out on their date and I packed up and left. I was long gone before Heero had gotten home. But I left a nice note. I give great note. Ask Hilde.
Okay if anyone would be understanding and would try to help it would have to be Quatre. I was really surprised when I arrived at his house on L4. Yes you heard right it was a house, not a mansion. I knocked on the door only to have it fly open and see two tow-headed children-- a boy and girl running like the devil laughing. Quatre was chasing after them.
"You shouldn't tease Rashid like that," Quatre tried to admonish although he was laughing too. It made me smile. He then realized that he and the kids weren't alone. He turned to me and gave me his million watt Quatre smile.
He hugged me like the lost friend I was and introduced me to the children. They gave me a hug also (Yes, they are definitely Quatre's kids) and we all went inside.
When I enquired about the lack of mansion space, he said his wife hated huge places like that, so they moved to a more modest home and he left the mansion to his sisters. His wife came over to greet me.
I liked her. She's definitely no socialite, which was what I was sure Quatre would have ended up with. She seemed to be very down to earth. She reminded me of Hilde a little and I was jealous. Why can 'zero system Quatre' get someone to love and I'm stuck in looney-town?
When we finally had a moment alone, Quatre and I talked in the cramped room he called a study. This was nothing like the study in his other houses which were so huge that you could fit a family of four in them easily.
I explained my problem and saw the look in Quatre's eye. Damn. I was wrong again.
"Duo, you know I care about you. If I were living alone I would help you, but I have the children and Kes to consider," Quatre said carefully.
I explained I wouldn't hurt them. I even promised to start taking the lithium again so I wouldn't hurt anyone. I guess I couldn't blame him. If I had a family and an old friend showed up seeking shelter and explaining they were stark raving mad, I'd be wary as well.
He let me stay the night, but you know me. I left sooner than that. But ... I left a note.
It was interesting watching Wufei doing his lawyer thing. He was representing a person who was evicted from their home without warning because the landlord got a lucrative offer to sell the property. He was Wufei at his most intense. Without losing his temper he managed to make the landlord look like the scum of the earth. I knew he would win even if they hadn't come to a verdict yet.
Wufei seemed genuinely glad to see me. However he knew I was coming because Quatre had called to ask about me.
"Did Quatre tell you about my visit there?" I asked, not pleased about not getting my side of the story told.
"No, he just wondered if you had come," Wufei answered.
Even though Wufei was a successful lawyer, his apartment was about the size of a shoebox. He offered me the futon in the living room to sleep on and I began my now well cited story of my descent into madness.
God I love Wufei. Only he sat and argued with me about my sanity. 'If I know I'm going insane surely that shows I'm really cognizant and thus NOT insane.' Too many years in law school I guess. I told him about my paranoia, and my night terrors and my tenuous grasp on the here and now. He nodded his head, listened politely, then argued that I'm not going crazy. Well, he gets points for being stubborn.
I asked if I could stay for a while until I figure out what to do with my life. He of course lets me. However, I could only stay for about three days. Yes, he spent WAY too much time in law school. We argued about everything all the time. It was like his morning katas or something for him. You know that I love a good argument as well as the next guy, but it was just getting tiring. While I was trying to maintain without the drugs, I was positive that I would come after him in my sleep if this kept up for much longer. So I waited until he left for the courthouse and left a note.
I'm really running out of friends here. They all understand sort of and yet ... they don't. I don't know why I'm trying to burden myself on them, when really the solution would be to either take the drugs and turn into a nonperson, or just put a bullet in my brain and end it all. However, I figured, since I've gone through my list of real friends, I may as well stop at the one I've never thought of as a friend before.
Trowa didn't even bat an eye as he let me come into his small house. Talking to Mr. Tall and Silent has never been easy for me. I could never really charm him into being friendlier. Wufei was a stubborn nut to crack but over time I got him to open up and we were friends. But Trowa?
"Why are you here?" Trowa asked me.
I tried to joke with him, but it was all falling flat, as usual. So given that honesty was my way of life, I told him. He listened quietly (of course) and asked a few questions (that frankly surprised me). He finally nodded his head and told me I could stay.
Well, I was already composing the note in my head for when I leave because I know he's just humoring me. I started to wonder where would I go if I left here. I have no other true friends. Funny that people who helped you kill in wartime would be considered your closest friends, but there you have it.
When I found him looking at my bottle of lithium, I stared at him waiting for his pronoucement whatever it would be. He merely glanced at the label and looked at me. "The dosage is set too high, I understand why you won't take them. Try taking half a tablet instead."
He laughed when he saw the expression on my face. Suddenly my conceptions of Trowa changed. I don't ever recall hearing him laugh in the past. It's nice, there's a musical lilt to it somehow. "What? How?" I asked.
The laugh transformed into a smile on Trowa's face. Another interesting revelation, he's beautiful when he smiles. Not beautiful as in handsome or cute but beautiful as in a work of art that you find yourself admiring. I almost didn't catch his words because I was swallowed up in his beauty.
"We lunatics have to stick together you know," Trowa said, continuing to smile. "I'll take you to my therapist, maybe he can help."
"You're insane?" I asked, stunned.
"I'd like to think of it as being different, but yes I have mental problems. It's not a death sentence, Duo. With the proper treatment, we can maintain a fairly normal life."
"How long have you been nuts?" I demanded to know.
"I've always been 'nuts'," Trowa laughed. "But I didn't seek out treatment until after the war. Or rather, Catherine suggested I see someone."
"Was that why you kept your distance from all of us?" I asked, fascinated.
"Mainly. But Quatre kept getting in my way. It was like his mission to make sure I was happy or something," Trowa shrugged. "I just wanted to do my part to bring about the end of the war. If I died in the process that was fine."
"So essentially the war was won by the insane," I started to laugh. "That's just precious! You gotta love it!"
Trowa laughed also. "Yes, I guess it was, however in times of war, insanity was running pretty rampant. Remember Zechs and his little speech about the earth."
I nodded in agreement. "But it all settled down later."
"For some," Trowa replied.
"Yeah," I agreed.
I've been living with Trowa for two years now. His therapist was a miracle worker as far as I'm concerned. I was taken off lithium and put on something that didn't zombify me. Trowa and I are very close friends. Ah, I know what you're thinking ... What no romance? Well if I could have my way, the man would never be able to walk, but it was really nice to really get to know the one person I thought I would never be friends with.
Trowa was wonderfully complex. Every time I thought I had a handle as to who he was, he did or said something that completely surprised me. He was an enigma and you know me ... I love a good mystery.
So I guess I should amend my opening statement. Insanity does suck, but it's bearable if you have someone who cares.
Owari
(:./babaca/talk3)
