Silence separates us now, a further gap than the physical one as we sit next to one another on a crate. It is clear we have somewhere to start, but that neither of us are certain just where that is. Duo isn't looking at me. He seems very absorbed in his own thoughts. For whatever reason, it makes me realize that outside of his name, where he came from, and whatever parts of himself he allowed me to see, I know little. I know it's the same for him, or for any of the other ex-pilots. It was as if, when we were together, we were trying to deny that there was anything beyond being a Gundam pilot, or that we were anything other than what we pretended to be. And I can never know, not even to this day, if that made it easier for us, or more difficult.
So, you might ask, why complicate it now? Why seek answers I never wanted before? The war is over and I'm through running. I have to face the things that haunted me before, ghosting my shadow, always one step behind. Every time I refused, I was pulled further into something else for me to regret. I faced Meiran. I told the woman to butt out, that it was my life, and I was living it my way. I faced my Colony. I told them it wasn't my fault that they were destroyed, that it was beyond my control and wasn't my decision. That was the hardest thing of all, because by holding on to the guilt and the anger, it felt like I had something left. But it was a sad something, a poor substitute. Perhaps, not unlike my life now, without Duo. So here I am, facing my feelings for him.
I feel small, inadequate, and very near desperate. I hate it, and I know, if Duo says the wrong thing, I will take the opportunity to lash out at him, no matter how much I would rather gather him in my arms and hold him until their is no separation between our souls.
I wonder what we will talk about. Will we bare ourselves, or will we still hold parts back, wondering if the other is really ready to hear what we have inside. I don't know if I'm ready to talk about Meiran, my colony, or my mistakes. I'm not certain I want to hear what Duo holds behind those false smiles, what causes him to believe he is Shinigami, and why his expression will go dark, blank, and numb when he thinks no one is watching.
Maybe there never is a time when you are ready. Maybe, if you wait too long for that moment, you will spend forever alone, telling yourself it was meant to be that way because you weren't ready. I think I saw myself heading that way yesterday, when Duo walked away and Sally picked at me as she always does. And it scared me.
Perhaps more than facing him did.
My hands grip the sides of the crate, balance there, and I flex my fingers, stealing a glance at Duo. His head is bent at a slight angle, that braid of his, longer than I remember it, trailing over his shoulder and into his lap, where his fingers are absently plucking at it. My eyes linger on his profile, touching him where my hands don't dare. How often had I seen that face, in my thoughts, in my dreams? I suppose, in a way, I hated him for that too. No matter what I did, he would not leave. I wanted him to. I had finally found my carefully arranged life, the one I had always been seeking, and there was no room to shake it up. Pride is a funny thing. It twists loneliness and turns it into something else.
Despite my avid reading, I have never been good with words. I know what I feel, but I can never quite articulate it the way I want to. It's why I remain silent, cowardice hoping that he will be the first one to speak. That has certainly never been a problem for him. Duo talked the most out of all of us until there were moments you just wanted to shake him and tell him to be quiet. Behind the chatter, lurked something, I knew. I never made an attempt to find out just what, because that would bring me closer to him than I wanted to be. I had my own demons. I didn't need to carry Duo's as well.
Duo shifts. I turn to look at him again, my eyes never growing tired of pulling him in, imprinting the shape of his face, the blue of his own eyes, or the sweet curve of his lips in my memory. If beauty were a name, it would be Duo Maxwell. It isn't only his face, or the angles of his body, but everything that he is. His personality, his appearance, it all blends together to make him what he is. To me, an irresistible force. Whenever I am with him, I feel drawn to him. It was part of the reason I sought to avoid him. I was always afraid I would one day do something I could not take back.
Little did I know, I might already have.
"I never thought I would be here," I say, surprising myself.
He jerks, his attention falling on me. "What do you mean?"
Has he always been this good at remaining unreadable?
"A long time ago, when I was on my colony, I never expected any of this. To become a Gundam pilot, to become a different person, to meet all of you..."
Duo's lips curve slightly, but the expression turns inward. "Life has a funny way of kicking you in the ass, huh?"
"Plainly put, yes," I reply, a faint smile tugging at the edges of my mouth.
"Do you like where you are now?" He asks, his tone distant now.
"I... have accepted it."
He nods, but I don't know if what I said was the right thing. I only know it was the truth. I never would have chosen to be here, had I been given options. Yet, the thought of never having met him leaves me with a small panic.
"Perhaps things... go where they are meant to."
He smirks, but it holds a derisive edge. "Then God has a lot of explaining to do."
Yes, I always thought the Gods owed me a great deal. But how can you collect a debt from something you can't see?
"You know, Wufei, I was happy. My world was fine, until you came here, and you kissed me."
He sounds almost angry. I feel cold, but I won't give in to it. Whatever happens here today, I will not let him hurt me. Nevermind the many times I have hurt him. I don't know why, but for some reason, I always thought he could handle it. Maybe because he smiled to hide the pain. And I'm the only fool here, because I didn't see it.
"So was my world."
If we are going to be truthful here, then I won't hold back.
"Then why the hell are you here?" He demands, and something lurks around the edges of his expression. Shinigami. I've seen that look before, on the vid-screen during battle. Is that what he sees this as? A battle?
I could get angry. I feel it, that familiar pulse of heat that draws my spine up stiffly and sets my shoulders back. But he would expect that, so I will try another tactic. Brutal honesty. Perhaps he already thinks that is what he gets from me, but there he would be wrong. I lie to myself and tell him what that lie manufactures, or I keep silent, which is just as wrong. This question has to be plaguing him from the moment I arrived. I have sidestepped it for long enough. If I do it again, I know I'll lose what little ground I have gained.
Now who sees this as a battle?
"I came to collect something I left behind."
There. His eyes widen just a fraction. It leaves me with a small surge of satisfaction. Duo is not an easy person to catch off guard. Probably because he is so purposefully outrageous, that he expects nearly anything. But I am certain, as I do, that Duo has filed me into a neat little category. Maybe he thinks he knows me enough to guess at what I will say or do. Now, I will do my best to prove him wrong.
"Took you long enough," he finds his voice.
I silently agree. It took me a very long time.
"Have you ever felt incomplete, Duo?"
"Everyday," he says quietly in reply.
Something passes between us. I can feel it moving along my skin, raising awareness, heightening my knowledge of him, until it is all I can do not to reach out and pull him in my arms. I just want to touch him. My hands itch to bury themselves into his hair, to feel the solid press of his body against my own, to explore every expanse of skin covered by his flight suit. Sexual awareness, tinged with the bittersweet edge of my caring. It is like a well placed punch to the gut, a tight fist of desire that starts in your groin and settles into your stomach like a stone. It is not the first time his nearness has done this to me, but the first I ever knew he returned it. Which makes it something different altogether.
That connection we now share reaches out to me, pulls me into its web with tendrils of longing, making me feel like silk on water. I don't know what to do with these feelings. I want to give in to them, but that means relinquishing all my control, and that is not something I can do just yet. The time and the place are all wrong. I may not be many things, but a private man is one of them. If we ever consummate this mutual attraction, it will not be where others can find us. Perhaps I am greedy then. Because my eyes are the only eyes I want seeing Duo when he wears nothing but his hair.
I'm getting ahead of myself. And burning because of it. Serves me right, I suppose, for having such carnal thoughts.
I smile. I can't help it.
Duo's expression takes on a wicked edge. My stomach tightens further, taking with it other parts of my anatomy.
"Something you find amusing, Wu?"
"Myself," I manage, clamping my fingers down to keep them where they need to stay.
Abruptly, he shifts away, reaching into the collar of his flight suit to retrieve something. My curiosity caught, I lean forward.
"This wouldn't happen to be what you were coming back for, was it?"
What in the world is he holding?
Realization dawns on me. "You kept my sash."
He shrugs. "You left it for me."
I did. Maybe I didn't know why I was doing it, but I felt compelled to leave something behind. Selfish of me, perhaps, but I didn't want him to forget. That he keeps it so close to him, is both a shock and a pleasure. When had I failed to notice what a seductive little tease he is? If he wanted, if I let him, I am sure he could get me to forget everything I hold important just for the price of touching him once. That is dangerous. No one has ever held that much power over me before, certainly never my dearly departed wife. No doubt she is laughing at me now, from the afterlife, with that usual haughty smirk of superiority. She would tell me, of course, that she knew long before I did. She always knew everything before I did. Her woman's intuition.
"I didn't come here for my sash, Duo." Unless, of course, he was wearing it and nothing else.
I close my eyes against the image it produces and take a mental breath. It would serve me well if I reigned in my over-wound libido and stayed on the topic at hand. There is more to this than sexual attraction. There has to be, or I will leave and never look back. I want him to care for me, as I care for him. I want him to need me. I want to know that if I leave, he won't be able to forget me easily. I can have sex with anyone. I can't love just anyone.
Love. My eyes snap to his, and I stare hard at him.
"Then what?" He pushes.
"You."
The mask drops, and for a moment, I see vulnerability in his eyes. Is he less certain than he lets on? Odd, but that makes this easier for me. The last of my tension seeps away.
"I had things I needed to do," I repeat again, hoping he will see.
Like understand myself.
He leans back. "What made you think I'd wait?'
Nothing. I hoped he wouldn't. I dreamed he would.
"I didn't."
"You took a big chance, coming here."
"Yes."
The biggest of my life. It took more bravery to do this than it did to pilot Nataku. That irony again.
He flashes me a grin suddenly. My stomach clenches again. Out of all the smiles Duo has ever given me, that was the first real one. Of anything he could have done, that affects me the most. I have waited a long time for him to feel I deserve that.
Without warning, he launches himself at me. Startled, I catch him, my arms automatically coming up to embrace him. Our noses bump, and I swallow, caught in the light I see in his eyes because it is for me. No one has ever looked at me like that before. Meiran with her disdain, Master Long with his expectance, the other pilots with their own personal opinions. But Duo is simply looking at me as if I am something important, as if I matter. All I have to give him in return is myself. Not the fabricated me, but the real me.
"Duo..."
"Wufei..." He mimics, still staring at me, his warm breath fanning across my face a welcome distraction.
I could drown in those eyes, those intense twins of brilliant blue. I could fall in, and never come out again, and I wouldn't care. Now that I have no reason to deny my feelings, they have all come rushing to the surface, vying for the right to be released. With him in my arms, so close, so now obviously mine, however, I can't get any of the words I want to say out. Who knew, that inside of me, lived such a sentimental idiot. I could stare at him like this for hours and be content. What kind of fool says something like that, but one that is in love?
Yes, I have loved Duo Maxwell for some time now. But I have never before been able to admit it to myself, let alone aloud. I won't yet. I will wait to make certain that his feelings run that deep. And if they don't yet, that is fine. It is enough to know he at least cares, is at least attracted to me. It is a start. Something I was not sure I would even get, let alone have the encourage to try for. Somehow, my anger saved me this time. For it was my fear, and my anger that led me to kiss him. I could only consider myself lucky that he kissed me back.
He smiles again. Bless the Gods.
"So, is this our beginning?"
My breath catches. I feel like a fool again, but I can't help it.
"If you want it to be, yes," I say carefully.
"Let me clean my ears out, I think Chang Wufei just agreed to let someone else make a decision for him."
"You aren't amusing, Maxwell."
That grin again.
"Well, now, there's the Wu I'm used to. Not this charming lump of mush."
I growl. "Duo if you think-"
"Do that again, it's sexy."
I pull back, my eyes widening. "What?"
"Growl. It's sexy." He winks.
My face has to be flaming. How dare he embarrass me like this? It's only a small conciliation that his own face is tinged slightly pink. But however angry I want to be, my only thoughts are of touching my lips to his again, so I can feel that thrill race across my skin and savor the heat we create.
"I will not." I say instead, trying desperately to sound haughty.
"Come on, Wu, you know you want to," he counters, his lips now inches from mine, so that it is all I can do to keep from closing the distance.
I make a vague negative sound.
He laughs softly. "You can do better than that."
"Perhaps," I concede, trying my best to maintain a handle on the conversation when all I can think about is how close he is to me.
This is not what I expected. Of course, it isn't as if I knew what would come of this. Meiran and I never shared affections this way. Little did she know what she was missing. Perhaps she wouldn't have been so distant had she known. And, perhaps, I would not have either.
"I want this to be our beginning," Duo says into my thoughts, his tone sober.
"Then it is," I answer, uncertain as to what I do with all this sudden joy that has infused me. It's ridiculous, really. How can any one person make you feel this way? It is dangerous. Foolish. Stupid. Lovely...
We are close. Close enough to kiss now. We are moments away from it, when an explosion rocks the ground beneath us and we fall from the crate, tangled in each other.
Duo's eyes are wild, mine are hard.
"What the hell?"
Duo sits up first, rubbing his head. I glance toward the door, my mind racing ahead.
"It would seem, your friends have started salvaging down here."
"That isn't salvaging! That's fucking destruction!" He snaps, grabbing my arm and pulling me up with him as he leaps to his feet.
My blood hums, my heart pounds steadily. I can feel control sliding over me in one slick measure. This is what it feels like when I'm on a mission.
"Duo," I say calmly, "how long have you known these men?'
He scratches his head. "Uh, a week."
My eyes narrow. "You told me they were your friends."
"Yeah, well," he flounders, "you were being an ass, so I was being difficult."
I shoot him a look that says we will deal with that later.
Instead, I plan. We have no weapons, we are trapped beneath here for now, our only way out possibly back into their hands. That is, assuming they are the ones behind this. But as far as I am concerned, there is little doubt. We have no choice but to investigate. I will not sit here like a cornered animal. So we will simply have to go see what sort of surprise awaits us. After all, we were once Gundam pilots. Our missions did not always take place within our suits. Sometimes, they were infiltration missions, or other such dangerous things. The doctors used us as they saw fit. Not that I ever really obeyed mine... As always, I make my own way.
"Put your helmet back on. The airlock could have been broken."
He grins. "I love the way you think."
I stare at him. I almost say it. I almost tell him I love him.
"Just hurry up."
He salutes. "Yes, sir, Chang, sir!"
I glare at him.
"Ouch. Been taking lessons from Heero?"
"I hardly see Yuy," I mutter, fastening my helmet and listening for the snap as it slides into place.
"I hate these damn things. How're we going to know if the airlock is broken or not?" He mutters, irritably stuffing his braid in.
"We will test it."
He eyes me with exasperation. "How?"
"You will take your helmet off."
"Like hell!"
I laugh.
End Part 4
(:./jen/moment4)
