26-Jun-2000
Hi hi all! Thank you everyone for all the wonderful replies I got for part 10. It really makes a person feel good ^_^
Title: Breaking Predestination 11/?
Author: TB
Archive: yes please GW Addiction
Category: AU, some yaoi
Pairing: R+1, 2x1, 5xSally, 4x3, etc
Rating: R
Warnings: language, angst
Spoilers: yes
Notes: Never-ending thanks go to Marsh, who through
emails and chats has placed her mark on my writing and
muse-ed and beta-ed for me so skillfully. She's an
integral part of this fic! The story takes place in AC
202, and the series and EW oav's are considered
canon . I borrowed some rank and starshippy stuff from
Star Trek.
Feedback: please and thank you!
Disclaimer: I neither own nor profit by use of Gundam
Wing universe or characters. Please to not sue.
"He made it right!" Hirde objected violently. "He saved her life, didn't he? Stop blaming him!"
"Hirde," Maxwell snapped.
"No one is blaming him," Quatre interjected, calmingly. "We understand--"
"The hell we do," Noin muttered.
Heero's flat voice cut over all this. "You told me you never lied," he said. Maxwell finally looked up from staring down at his boots, and his eyes seemed to flinch away from the hatred etched into Heero's features. "You looked me in the eye and you swore to me that you never lied. And like a fool I believed you."
Wufei, who seemed subdued by the night's events, was thoughtful. "He didn't really lie, you know," he said softly. "Think about it. Whenever it was really necessary, it was her--" he pointed to Hirde-- "She was the one who told the story, really. All Maxwell really had to do was keep his mouth shut while she duped us all."
"That's sophistry," Heero snapped. "So it was a lie of omission. It was still a lie!"
Maxwell said nothing to defend himself, though he reached out and touched Hirde's knee warningly when opened her mouth to make an aggressive response. The Captain was drained, sad--old. Slumped on the couch in the board room they had used for the previous three weeks, surrounded by friends who were betrayed and hurt by his actions, he even looked a little lost.
"I fully intend to take responsibility for myself," he murmured finally. "I'm willing to tell you the--the truth. You're right. I let Hirde lie to you, and what we didn't bluff, we just... didn't tell. But not anymore. Is that enough for you?"
Une stirred slightly in her chair. "I already know part of it," she said. "Captain Maxwell, neither you nor the Commander need to fear repercussion for anything you say here. Legal repercussion."
"It doesn't really matter," was the listless reply.
Sally glanced sharply at Une; then she turned her eyes back to the Captain. "So start, then," she ordered. "The faster you tell us, the faster we'll know what to do with your younger self."
That seemed to galvanise Maxwell into action. He clasped his hands tightly between his knees, and began talking in a low, very steady voice.
"After the Eve War I lived with Heero Yuy in the L1 cluster, a backwater little colony with a population you could practically count on one hand. We were lovers. Everybody already knows that, there's not much point in hiding it." He looked at Heero for this last part, and Heero glared back, fury transforming to ice and freezing his hard blue eyes. Maxwell glanced away first. "We were lovers. I honestly thought that this time, he was going to stay with me. It was so good there together. You never looked unhappy. You never gave me the slightest hint that anything was wrong, Heero. Just out of nowhere-- out of nowhere, I woke up and every single item that was his was gone. So was he. I looked everywhere, I don't know what I was even thinking--I called everyone, everywhere. I think I lost it, a little. I remember coming to myself while I was lying on our bed the third week without any word from him, and I was just crying...
"Quatre was the one who found him first. With Relena. Of course. The one place I hadn't thought to check. Hadn't ever dreamed of checking. Why the hell should I have?" For a moment, bitterness crept into that husky voice. "How many nights did he tell me she meant absolutely nothing to him, beyond his duty to her?
"But all this is personal. I just want all of you to understand that I was angry and hurt beyond belief. You've all loved someone, every one of you in this room. You think you can imagine what it would be like to lose that person, but it's far worse than you can ever prepare for. I just want you to understand why I wasn't exactly myself when the odd things started happening."
There was a long moment of silence. Maxwell was a little hunched, but energy was returning to him. It was a palpable relief, the chance to finally tell--everyone could sense it. No one interrupted now.
"I told you Dr. J and some of the other hacks were still around. Are, in this time. J found me. I don't know how. Like everything else at that point in my life, it didn't matter. He just showed up at my house and started talking, and I listened. He told me that Earth was getting soft again. The colonies were getting soft. Everyone was in love with the peace and they were starting to think this was some kind of golden era. They didn't realise that war was still possible, was always just around the corner, even, and that you couldn't prevent it on good wishes alone. You need weapons, he said. Defence. A ready sword, just in case."
Maxwell was watching Heero again. "You're already guessing it, I can tell. You were out of his reach. It had been, what, four years since he'd had you to play with. You didn't take his orders anymore, didn't buy his bullshit. I didn't either, at first. But did it matter? Eventually it started making sense. Romafeller never would have taken over the Earth so easily if the people had fought back. They didn't agree with Romafeller's goals, but thanks to Relena's stupid total pacifism, nation after nation just laid down and let Dermail walk all over them. And White Fang--they figured they could just speak for every colonist, and why shouldn't they? No one had a way to fight back. No one wanted to get their hands dirty. And it made sense to me that Relena was the source of it. Sank, the Peacecrafts--didn't matter who started it. It all came back to Relena."
Harshly Heero said, "So he told you to kill her? And me as well? Or did you just come up with it on your own?"
Maxwell looked just a little more broken by the lashing tone. "It doesn't matter, Heero. I did it. I came to her ridiculous birthday party and I got so pissed on her expensive wines that I could barely walk, and I got my guts up and I shot you both exactly the way I planned. It doesn't matter whose idea it was!"
Hirde moved suddenly. "Duo--"
"No. Don't say it." Maxwell made a hard slashing movement with his hand. "It isn't important anymore, Hirde."
The woman drew a deep breath. The she said, "Shut up, Duo. It does matter. The idea--"
"No!"
"The idea was mine," she overrode him. She stood. "I hated watching what Heero had done to Duo and I thought that if Duo killed Heero too, then it would all be over and maybe he'd finally get a little peace and be happy."
Stunned silence greeted that.
Maxwell pressed his hands over his face. "All right," he said roughly. "So nobody was free of guilt. In the end it still isn't important. I did what I did and I paid the price for it. I lost Heero through stupidity and because of Relena's death, all of Space is caught up in a war to the death of everything I've ever known. I paid, damn it!" He was weeping now. "I... "
Hirde wrapped her arms tightly around herself. Her burning glare swept over all of them: Quatre, horrified and hurt, holding so tightly to Trowa's hand that their knuckles were white; Sally and Wufei, expressionless, trying not to judge; Zechs, troubled, and Noin stunned; Dorothy Catalonia, not unfamiliar with these emotions; Une, looking anywhere but at Maxwell, having already known, and given him his chance to make right his past actions.
"He wanted to believe what he was doing was right," Hirde said, and there was so much anger in her voice, and so much grief. "Don't we all? Don't we all convince ourselves that what we're doing is righteous? And how were we supposed to know what would come of it?"
Lady Une spoke slowly, reading from papers in her lap, the papers that Maxwell had given her on his arrival to Earth and their time. "In AC 221, you remembered the notes from Dr. J's time experiments. You realised you could go back to the first in a chain of events which had led to total devestation. You went to the President--my future self--you showed me the notes and told me this very same story. You told me you knew you could change the past, and therefore stop the future we were living from ever coming to pass. And I believed you, and gave you authority to make the time jump."
Hirde nodded. So defiant, the way she looked at them--daring them to accuse, to say that anyone else could have done any better in their position.
Heero was staring at Maxwell, still now and looking back at *him,* waiting for something from *him.* Something churned inside him at that sight, something ugly, something needing an outlet, something he hadn't ever felt so strongly before.
To everyone else, he said, "I can't believe you're buying this shit."
Heads swiveled. Hesitant protests died without voice. The only eyes that mattered, red-rimmed, tear-swollen, achingly violet eyes met his.
"Redemption," he spat. "You thought you could come back here and redeem yourself and no one would blame you because you're in pain! Because you feel guilty!" He uncurled from his stance against the wall and felt the hate lashing out. "You're still playing games with us. Dr. J! I don't believe you ever saw him. I think he's dead. I think you're lying to us again so you can squirm free. I think you want us all on your side, feeling sorry for you, loving you--I don't even know who the hell you are anymore. I don't believe you. And anyone who does is a fool!" Two quick strides were all that were needed to reach the door--he flung it open and left. It slammed behind him.
Maxwell shuddered softly. Hirde sank to her knees before him and held him tightly. "Don't listen," she begged, to him or to the Preventers it was unclear. "You have to believe. You have to."
Quatre slowly rose, and moved to the Captain's side. He whispered, "Shh," and put out a hand, gently stroking the greying braid. "We believe you. Shh."
*Why did I come here?*
Duo, his Duo, a pathetic hung-over wretch, huddled in the corner of the dim little room with the one-way window. His pale, sweating skin gleaming in the faint flourescent lights as he leaned his head against the wall, as he worked his bony fingers through his hair, jerking the braid apart, tearing out entire clumps of dull chestnut strands with no regard for the mess it made. Crying.
Heero hugged himself tightly. *I don't believe him,* he repeated. *I won't allow him to lie to me.* But Duo was in pain. So much, he could see that, couldn't he? No one could fake the obvious torment he saw in that lanky body curled in on itself, trying to hide in the corner away from the questions he'd refused to answer and accusations he hadn't refuted. Part of him, badly, wanted to comfort Duo. Say, "It's not your fault." But it was. And Heero was still too repelled by the crime to forgive it.
He didn't know how long he stood there, staring through that window that looked like a blank wall from the other side. He heard the soft keening that slowly filled the room, but didn't know if it came from the speakers, or himself.
Finally he moved. His body felt leaden, so heavy, so hard to push toward the locked door that separated the observation room and Duo's cell-like prison. But he did it. The anger helped. He used it, fed it. Burned away all other feeling with it.
Duo looked up when he opened the door. Heero took in the sight of him, the smell of vomit in the room, that had been only partially overlaid with the stench of chemical cleaners.
"Get up," he ordered.
Duo didn't move.
"I said get up."
"Or what?" The American laughed hoarsely. "You'll rough me up a little?"
He did exactly that. He crossed the room and reached down and took two great fistfuls of Duo's shirt, and hauled him to his feet, off his feet, and shoved him forcefully into the wall with six inches of air beneath his booted feet. Duo flinched a little, and his eyes closed tightly in momentary fear, but he didn't resist.
"Who gave you the idea to kill Relena?" he demanded.
"I decided to do it on my own."
"Whose idea was it? Don't tell me it was your *decision.* I want to know who came up with it!"
Duo's jaw clenched. "It doesn't matter."
He pressed Duo harder into the wall, holding back very little of his strength. "Dr. J? Hirde? Is it true?"
Blue eyes flew open, darkening almost to black with shock. That expression told Heero everything. It *was* true. All of it. All his anger fled, and despair, crushing, awful despair, replaced it. Duo's weight slid from his hold, dangling feet touched the floor, and Heero pulled him close, wondering at the weakness of his spirit that made him keep loving.
"Why?" he whispered raggedly. "God, Duo, why?"
Duo was crying again. If Heero hadn't been leaning into him and pressing him back against the wall, he would have fallen. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Heero. I'm so-- I'm so sorry... "
"I know, Duo." And he knew he had to leave, now, or he'd go mad. He stepped away, immediately aching where Duo's warmth had been, and tried to piece together his shattered awareness. Duo wiped his eyes, and looked anywhere but at him.
He left.
Captain Maxwell watched Heero's retreat down the hallway. When he was sure the coast was clear, he went inside the observation room, and found the key left carelessly in a half-shut door. His hands were remarkably unsteady as he inserted the little plastic card, and opened the door on his younger self. For a moment, nerves froze and he couldn't move--but determination won out. He opened the door and went in.
End Part 11
(:./erin/break11)
