August 2001
Warnings: AU, fluff, yaoi, lemon-scented, slight Relena-bashing
Disclaimers: I don't own Gundam Wing or The Crocodile Hunter, or any of the characters from them. This was written for the enjoyment of me and my friends and is not for profit. And Steve, if you're reading this - please don't hunt me down! It was meant as a joke, really!!! And besides, Kwycksylver made me!!
[scene fades in to show Steve and Terri, looking happy and excited, standing amid huge cedar trees on a rocky hill]
Steve: We're back on track! Miss Peacecraft has found information on another pair of wild bish! This is a really a great bit of luck, and we're ready to make the most of it.
Terri: We're here in the forests of North America, on the western slopes of the Rocky Mountains. It may seem odd, but Miss Peacecraft's information hints that one of the bishounen we're tracking may be an extremely rare subspecies - the Asiatic Fighting Bish.
Steve: Now, most bish are relatively harmless. But the Asiatic Fighting Bish, now that's a whole different story! They're smart, they're strong, and they're aggressive. They aren't 'bad', but they will defend their territory, and their mates!
Terri: We've come up with a plan to hopefully capture both bishounen. We've learned from our last encounter how very effective bait is with these creatures, so that's the approach we're going to use.
Steve: Right! We've gone over Miss Peacecraft's information, and come up with a bish nest we hope will attract the pair we're interested in. Check this out!
[camera swings around to a large wooden mecha, painted black and red with accents of gold. One arm is very long, ending in a dragon-like head. The other arm holds a big green scythe. It has white wings, and a long red segmented tail, like a scorpion's. The 'cockpit' is open, displaying a cavity lined with camel blankets]
Steve: Inside the nesting area are a number of items Miss Peacecraft suggested which might intrigue the bishes enough to lure them inside. Now, that hatch is actually spring loaded. Once one, or hopefully both, bishounen are inside, we can trigger the mechanism and capture them.
[the camera swings back to show Steve hiding behind a rocky outcropping]
Steve: I'll hide over here, where I can get a good view of the trap. Wish me luck!
[scene fades out]
[scene cuts to Steve crouching behind his rocky camouflage]
Steve [quietly]: We've heard one of the bishes in the distance. He's just starting to approach the bait now.
[camera focusses on a handsome young man with a long, chestnut braid, which twitches and swings behind him in time to his movements. He is singing to himself, swinging his hips and dancing along a path through the trees]
Braided Bish [singing]: Crazy in love! ooh! ah! Crazy in love! ooh! ah! Crazy in lo-o-o-o-o-o-ove! Oooh-ooh! Oooh-ooh, yeah! I'm crazy in love with yooooooooo- [suddenly catching sight of the looming mecha] Holy sheep dip!
[the lovely bish's violet eyes widen as he stares up at the mecha, walking in a cautious circle around it]
Steve [voiceover]: Well, he's not an Asiatic - he must be the subordinate bish. Usually in the wild, in birds, mammals, reptiles, it's the dominant partner who makes the most noise. But in bishounen, it can be quite different. This particular bish is the most vocal I've ever seen. What a little beauty!
[after a careful examination, the bish approaches the mecha. He frowns and taps it with a knuckle, looking puzzled at the dull thok sound. Then his face clears a bit and he grins]
Braided Bish [murmuring to himself]: So, Hee-koi... let me guess - you always wanted to do it in a gundam, but just never got the opportunity! And sooooooo subtle, leaving it on the path I take home from the gym...
Steve [voiceover]: He looks interested! Let's hope he takes the bait!
[the bish swings himself easily up the front of the mecha to the invitingly opened hatch. He crouches on the platform and leans forward slightly to peer inside]
[the camera zooms in on the bish leaning over into the nest. Just before he puts his head inside, he leans down and casually rips loose a wire running along the base of the door. Then he crawls in. His delighted laughter can be heard clearly]
Braided Bish: Wahahahaha! Heero, you hentai!
[camera pulls back to show Steve pushing the button to close the hatch, catching the frustrated expression on his face when it fails to work]
[scene suddenly swings crazily up and around, accompanied by strange sounds off-camera]
[flat, slightly nasal voice]: Omae o korosu.
Steve [slightly panicked] Crikey! It's the Asiatic Fighti- urk! [thud]
[scene shakes and moves violently, ending up showing a sideways view of the ground. On the edge of the scene is one foot clad in a hiking boot, the 'Australia Zoo' logo clearly visible.]
[there is a great deal of rustling and thumping, accompanied by several pained cries]
[panicked voices] Aaah! let's get outta here! [rustling leaves, thudding footsteps]
[silence] [sideways view of booted foot]
Braided Bish [slightly far off]: So, did you get them all?
Asiatic Fighting Bish: Aa.
[slight pause]
Braided Bish: Will they be back soon? Say, in the next hour or so?
[another pause]
Asiatic Fighting Bish: No.
[silence]
Braided Bish: Oh, stop glaring at me. I know you want to come up here, and you know you want to come up here, so just power down out of combat mode and come up here! [in a more suggestive tone] You should see some of the toys they left in here.
Braided Bish [voice slightly muffled]: Whipped cream, of course! Handcuffs, ankle cuffs, paddles... Oooh, I don't have that issue! Mmmm - aromatic massage oil... Woo hoo! This book is a classic! And position 43 is carefully marked, I see...
Asiatic Fighting Bish [also slightly muffled]: Aren't these the same pattern of camel blanket that Quatre uses?
Braided Bish: Weird, ne? Maybe he's behind all this... oooooh, so you really did want to do it in a gundam, eh?
Asiatic Fighting Bish: Shut up, baka. You talk too much. [voices degenerate into moans, gasps and rhythmic groans. Sideways view of booted foot does not change]
Steve [voiceover]: Well, that was an Asiatic Fighting Bish! Fierce and swift and powerful. But notice how he left me completely alone after I was down. He's not vindictive, he's just very, very protective of his mate, and he thought I was too close. Well, he sure took care of me! Wham, bam, I had no chance at all! But we'll do better in the next round!
Braided Bish [laughing in background]: Nooooo, not the feather boa!
[scene fades to black]
