Disclaimer: GW isn't mine even though I spent my last tooth wishing for that. :(

Get Real by Erin Cayce

I came late to sex. You wouldn't think that, considering where I grew up... but there you go. I didn't have the least clue where I'd come from, until Solo explained it all to me. His version differed somewhat from what the nuns told me at Maxwell church--one involved warm honey and leather, and one didn't, is as much as I'll say on that. At any rate, the nuns set me straight--so to speak--and I was left to myself and my curiosity. I was nine when I realised I was different. Different from other guys, I mean, and I'm not talking about being shorter or skinnier or a worse potty-mouth (though I am). I was twelve the first time I did "it", did "the naughty", and that chance encounter with a complete stranger opened my eyes on a world I literally had not known existed. I probably should not have taken that to confession, but I've always felt this perverse need to shock people. If I'd known all the horrors of lectures and "therapy" that would follow my first sexual exploit, I would have kept my motor mouth shut. Once again, the nuns sallied forth to set me straight.

Obviously, they didn't.

Now, I'm sixteen. I pilot a Gundam, a beautiful machine that wreaks death and destruction in perfect harmony with me, responding with a lover's sensitivity to my touch on cool metal controls, encasing me in strength and power and giving me the chance to fight for something I believe in--revenge.

Currently I'm enrolled with my fellow pilots, minus Trowa Barton, at Franklin Prep, emphasis on the "preppy." I like it here--the town is hip enough, in a sleepy backwater sort of way, and the other kids--well, most of them--are nice enough.

But best of all, I like Franklin Public Park.

Duo arranged the scene to his satisfaction, and pulled out a book from his pack. He was very aware of the man behind him, sauntering toward his bench and then leaning over him.

"What are you reading?"

Duo pretended he had not heard the man coming--though they both knew he had. "Ah, just some homework... Miserable stuff."

The man laughed, and eased down next to him on the park bench. "That's how I remember it." He was tall, well-muscled, blonde. His eyes skipped over Duo's body, pausing ever so briefly at the crotch, then at the school emblem on his coat pocket.

"So," Duo asked, putting the book down. He tried not to look overly eager.

"So--what do you do?"

"I'm a composer."

"Really?" Duo shifted to face him a little more, wiping his palms on his thighs. "I sing. A little, I mean. There's a school chorus. I sing with them."

"Do you now?" His eyes, very light gray, settled on Duo's book. "What's that about?"

"Oh... about what it's like to be a kid now, with everything that's going on, and all."

The man slung an arm over the back of the bench, twisting his lanky body so that he could look Duo over again. "And? What is it like?"

Duo wiped his palms again. "Could be better." He shrugged carelessly. "I mean, I guess it's hard for any kid, not knowing where you're gonna be in the next few years, bored with what you have but knowing it probably isn't better anywhere else. I guess it's hard for anyone, but... it's even harder, if you're... "

A slow smile spread across the man's handsome face. "Yes," he agreed. "It is."

Duo relaxed some. "You're lovely," he whispered.

The man chuckled throatily. "You're not bad yourself," he replied, lifting hand to stroke an errant lock away from Duo's face.

Duo grinned.

Quatre smacked him hard. "You little tart!"

"I am not a tart!" Duo tossed his jacket into a corner, and flopped down on the bed. "Oh, Quatre, you're just jealous."

"Tart. Tart! Duo, you promised me you weren't going to do that anymore!"

He laughed. "I didn't! *He* came to *me*, Q... Aw Gawd, he's so gorgeous!" Duo hugged himself and shivered in remembered delight. "He has eyes like the ocean on a stormy day, and he's strong and smart, too--he composes--"

"Do you even know his name?"

"Of course I do. How else would I know who to meet on Friday?"

"Duo!" Quatre smacked him again. "You can't go see this guy again! You definitely can't bring him here!"

"Who was going to?" Duo sat up, grinning widely. "We're going to the woods, just like today."

The blonde pilot's jaw dropped.

Duo fully expected the next smack, and dodged it. "You went to the *woods*? Duo, there's no telling *what* he could have done to you in there! You could have been raped--"

"Quatre," Duo said gently. "Earth to Quatre. We were out there for the same thing. It wasn't like I was going into the bushes with him thinking he was gonna give me--well, anything but what he gave me!"

Quatre rolled his eyes. "Well, you could have been arrested. I don't like it," he warned. "I know I can't stop you--stop grinning at me--but I really wish you'd be more--stop laughing! Duo!" He stuck his tongue out at the braided boy, then shrieked as Duo jumped him, tickling the blonde under the ribs for all he was worth.

It was a few minutes before they got their silliness out of their systems, and they resettled on their respective beds, panting and flushed and smiling.

"So," Quatre asked, fanning himself with one hand. "What is his name?"

"Aaron."

"You think that's his real name?"

"Why wouldn't it be?"

Quatre rolled his eyes again. That was one of his favourite reactions to Duo's mannerisms.

"Well, even if it's not, who cares? I'll see him again on Friday, and if he wants to see me again after that, then I'll keep going. I really like him. And--"

"And?"

Duo buried his face in his pillow to muffle what he said. "And he has the most incredible cock you've ever seen."

"Duo!" Quatre launched his own pillow at the braided boy convulsed with laughter--then gave in and laughed, too. "Stop ranting about your sexual triumphs already. I swear, you have the biggest libido! Take me out for pizza."

Duo rolled over. "No way! You're a worse pig than I am!"

"Come on. It's the least you can do, after traumatizing me with all your stories about taking candy from strangers!"

Duo's jaw dropped.

Quatre put on his most angelic expression and batted his eyelashes. "What?" he asked innocently. "You don't think we've been best friends this long without me picking up a few things, huh?"

A half-hour later, they found an unoccupied bench in a corner outside the pizza place and sat down to eat their dinner. It was only early evening, and still quite bright out. Quatre, after swallowing a gargantuan mouthful, resumed the conversation they'd begun on the way over. "How do you know it's just not a phase? I mean, you like girls, don't you? Like Hirde?"

"A *phase*? Since I was nine? It's not a phase, believe me."

"Well--have you ever done it with a girl? You don't have anything to compare it with."

"I haven't done it with a girl because I don't *want* to do it with a girl. It's exactly how you get that weird look on your face any time some creep queer comes on to you." Duo confined himself to two slices; he was watching his weight. He was starting a growth spurt, and he was desperately afraid of growing. If he got too big, he'd have to modify the specifications that allowed him to pilot Deathscythe. He wasn't going to ruin the only good job he'd ever had by out-growing the cockpit.

A soccer ball bounced by and nearly beaned him. Duo caught it and looked up, angrily; then he passively allowed a tall boy two years older than him to rip it out of his hands. As the older student stalked off, he snarled, "Stick to your own balls, faggot."

Suddenly not very hungry anyway, Duo was glad he hadn't bought any more.

Quatre stuck his tongue out at the retreating older boy and his group of goons. "They just hate you because your IQ has two more digits than theirs," he muttered. "You okay?"

Duo shrugged, and took a long sip of his drink. "Of course. They're just stupid assholes. Don't get all riled up on my behalf."

The blonde Arabian poked him in the side lightly. In a sly little voice, he whispered, "Bet you have wet dreams about half of them anyway."

"I *so* do not!" Duo poked him back, disgusted.

"Hnn." Quatre turned to look at them where they stood not far away: the shopping centre was a favourite hangout for the Franklin Prep students, especially this time of day. "Hey look, there's Wufei!"

Duo glanced over, and saw their wayward companion. "I can't believe he hangs out with them."

"I know. Hunter Osborne and his greasy sychophants--ugh!" He scrunched his nose up, looking positively adorable and quite unintentionally bringing a grin to Duo's face. "I thought Wufei had better taste."

"Guess they make him feel all machismo." Duo followed Wufei's movements with his eyes, appreciatively noting how the tank top revealed more bronze muscle than it concealed, and how the wind ruffled his longish black hair.

Quatre noticed him noticing those things, and whistled in mock-relish. "I didn't know you had it out for one of us!"

"I don't." Duo immediately looked away. "I was just--"

"Checking Wufei out! You were, don't deny it."

Duo grumbled to himself about talkative blondes. "Are you done yet? I *do* have homework due tomorrow."

Quatre obediently stood, and tossed their trash into a nearby receptacle. "You know, I'm really impressed with how hard you're working here. I guess I kind of expected you to just--goof off, or something."

"Hah!" Duo picked up his backpack and slung it over one shoulder, wincing as it caught his braid and snapped his head back painfully. "Damnit--Where else am I gonna get an education?" He laughed. "I almost hate to put it this way, but the war is the best thing that ever happened to me. I get quality teaching, free lunches, a new best friend, and my very own lumpy mattress in my very--excuse me, *our* very own musty, windowless dorm room!"

"Sounds like paradise to me."

Duo grinned. "Paradise," he corrected lovingly, "is a man with Zechs Merquise's body, Heero's hair, and Aaron's eyes; a good wine, a giant marble jaccuzi with lots of bubbles, and lots of jelly."

Quatre blushed fiercely. But he was laughing.

Duo glanced at his watch again. Forty-five minutes late. He was surprised, dimly, by how disappointed he was. He almost never got stood up. It wasn't embarrassment or hurt pride that bothered him--Duo was too sanguine for that; what bothered him was that he really *had* liked Aaron, and had been looking forward to seeing him again.

An hour. A whole hour late. *Face it,* he thought. *The bastard isn't coming.*

He stood up, and swung his backpack over his shoulder, then headed for the nearby public bathroom. It was mostly empty; a middle-aged man in a jogging suit was taking a piss at a urinal and looked up as Duo headed for the stalls. Then he saw someone else come in, reflected in the mirror, and paused.

Aaron.

As casually as he could, Duo kept going, taking his time to be sure that Aaron saw him. When he was sure, he went into the stall, shut the door, and dropped his bag before sitting on the toilet. He was going to faint if his heart kept skipping beats like this. He fidgeted nervously, staring without seeing the grafiti on the walls, and finally heard a cautious whisper from the stall next to his.

"How old are you?"

Duo swallowed hard. "I'm young."

There was a long pause, and Duo wondered if the older man had left. Then the faint whisper reached his ears again. "Meet me outside on the bench."

He grinned with relief. He stood, and grabbed his bag, then flushed the toilet reflexively. He drew a deep breath to steady himself, then walked out of the bathroom, carefully not glancing at the stall beside his where Aaron was. Once he was back by the bench, he parked it and sat trying to control a growing hard-on. Better late than never! Far better.

A long minute passed, and Duo was wondering what the hell was going on. After five minutes, he finally screwed up his courage and turned around, glaring at the bathroom and trying to will Aaron into coming out. "Come on," he muttered. "Where the hell are you?"

Chang Wufei stepped out of the bathroom--and stopped when he saw Duo. Who went absolutely white, and whirled back around. "Oh God," he muttered.

"Oh God, oh God. Don't come over. Don't come--"

"Good afternoon, Maxwell," Wufei said, and stood looking down at him.

Duo exhaled sharply. "Hey, Wu-man."

Slowly, awkwardly, the Chinese pilot settled beside him on the bench, increasing Duo's nervousness. "Long time no see," he said.

Duo nodded mutely.

"How are you?"

"Fine." Duo was in agony. "You?"

"Fine." Wufei sighed, then, and looked at Duo directly. "About inside," he began.

Duo's mouth tightened. "You saw?"

"I saw. I can't believe that guy! He was trying to--trying to pick you up, Duo!"

Duo stared at him. "I know," he said.

Wufei's expression became grim. "I waited until you ran out--that was smart, by the way. You don't have to listen to that! I waited until you were gone, and then I let him know that you were still a minor and that anything he did to you would be viewed as rape."

Duo's mouth was sagging open. "You--*You* made him leave?"

"Some people are sick."

He rolled his eyes in exasperation, unknowingly imitating Quatre. "Aw Gawd," he moaned. "I can't believe this. Thanks for nothing, Wufei!"

The Chinese boy blinked.

"Next time you accuse a guy of child-molesting, why don't you ask the child if he wasn't actually up for a little hanky-panky!"

Slowly, comprehension began to dawn on Wufei's face. "You--"

"Yes."

Comprehension was followed by consternation. "But--Hunter and the guys--they call you names, but it doesn't mean anything, does it? You're not really--" He searched for a word, any word.

"Gay. I'm gay."

Wufei just stared.

Duo was suddenly, intensely mortified. It was one thing to talk about stuff like this to Quatre, who accepted him the way he was and was closer to him than any other living soul--and another thing entirely to confess to a boy he barely knew outside of their missions together that he was a homosexual, and actively seeking perfect strangers to dive under a hedge with. He grabbed his bag, and stood, fully intending to run all the way back to the dorms and scream himself silly.

Wufei grabbed his arm.

"Look," he said. "I'm sorry. I didn't know. Duo, I'm--I'm really sorry."

"Don't be," Duo retorted. "I'm not."

Wufei flushed.

A small voice--sounding suspiciously like Quatre--began to mutter something about him being rather unfair with the other pilot. After all, it said, he *was* trying to save you. It's not entirely his fault that he misunderstood, right?

Duo sighed.

"Forget about it," he said. "It doesn't matter. Listen, do you want to come over to my room, and have coffee or something?"

Wufei shook his head immediately, and dropped his arm. "No--thanks. I have, uh, homework."

Duo bit his lip. "I see," he replied neutrally. "Well. See you later." He turned to go.

The lightly accented voice called for him before he'd made it five steps.

"Duo? Is Quatre going to be there?"

He turned around. "No. He's got study group on Friday night."

Wufei swallowed. "Can we have tea instead?"

A small smile curled up one side of Duo's mouth. "Sure."

Wufei wandered around his side of the room, glancing through the manga scattered over the desk, fingering a few of the curiousity pieces Duo used for decoration, examing the sports pictures cut from magazines that adorned his wall by the bed. "I didn't know you were so into sports," he observed, as Duo handed him a steaming mug.

Duo laughed. "I'm not."

"But--" Wufei stared at the wall, and slowly coloured as he realised all the pictures were of handsome men. "Oh."

Duo was suddenly nervous again. He sat in the only chair, and gulped his own tea. Why had he even *thought* about bringing Wufei over? This was a huge mistake. Bigger than huge. Massive. Gundam-sized.

Wufei sat on the bed, not without a look of unease, and sipped from his mug. "Um," he said. "Um, I don't mean to pry, but--when did you know you were... "

"Gay?" Duo shrugged, trying to appear calm. "Since I was nine." At Wufei's curious look, he elaborated. "I was already with the Catholics on L2, and a bunch of the local boys would steal porn mags and come get us at the orphage for a few hours of stupid fun. They were all passing it around, giggling, staring at the girls... I just wasn't interested. Not in the girls, at least... I kept looking at the men in the pictures. One of my friends at the Church, Emre, he leaned over to me and whispered, 'All these chics are so fake! I'd rather deal with another man's winkie any day.' And I said, 'You know what, so would I.'"

Wufei laughed.

Duo was glad that his sometimes-friend was relaxing a little. Wufei even put his feet up on the bed. Watching him, Duo admitted, a little shyly, "You know, I've never really talked about this with another guy before, except Quatre."

"Quatre knows?" Wufei sipped his tea again, then put it down. "I hope you don't mind my asking. I'm just interested. Well--I mean, intrigued."

Duo said, "I'm not sure what you mean by that, but no, I don't mind talking, I guess... as long as you don't start queer-bashing on Monday."

"No." Wufei leaned back, then frowned. "What the--" He reached under Duo's coverlet, and pulled out--a very raggedy stuffed bear. He burst out laughing.

Extremely embarrassed, Duo leapt to his feet and tried to grab the bear.

"Wufei--"

"A gay teddy bear!"

Duo climbed over Wufei, trying to snatch it back. "It's Quatre's--"

"What's it doing in your bed then?"

"Uh--"

Wufei rolled them so that Duo was pinned beneath him, and teasingly held the bear out of Duo's reach. The braided boy squirmed beneath him, laughing now... then froze.

Wufei followed Duo's wide-eyed gaze down, and saw why they'd stopped. His erection was straining his white slacks--and Duo suddenly had one to match. Duo's eyes held his then, a deep violet shade he'd never seen before. Barely breathing, Wufei's hands slowly settled on Duo's belt, carefully unbuckling it. He paused for a moment, and then Duo sat up, leaning in to kiss him.

The moment their lips touched, Wufei snapped.

He was off the bed in a second, running a hand through his hair and shaking like a leaf in the wind. "Don't ever do that," he snapped.

Duo stared at him, eyes still hazy from desire clouding in confusion. "It's okay, Wufei," he said gently. "Lots of gay guys don't like kissing--"

"I'm not gay!"

Duo watched him, hurt and bewildered.

"I--it was just fun--I don't like men! I was married, damnit!" Wufei cursed, stepping back from the bed. "I just came for coffee!"

Duo laughed unevenly. "You don't like coffee."

He cursed again, and grabbed his jacket. "Stop being such a damn smartass!" he hissed, and slammed open the door. He was out and running down the hallway before Duo could frame a reply.

Quatre sighed. "Duo," he called. "You have to come out sometime."

"No I don't."

"Duo--"

"Go away!"

Heero was jogging past, late for a study group, losing a paper here and there from his notebook. He slowed when he saw Quatre apparently locked out of his own dorm room, and came to a stop beside him.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

Quatre gestured helplessly. "It's Duo. He's locked himself in. It's been hours. He won't tell me why he's upset!"

Heero chose the most direct approach. "Duo," he called, "back away from the door."

Duo's suspicious voice floated out. "Why?"

Heero aimed a very precise kick at the doorhandle. It splintered, and the door flew open.

Quatre glared at him. "Thanks, Heero," he said, his light tenor dripping with sarcasm.

Heero nodded, completely missing the insincerity of the words, and glanced at his watch. "I'm late," he said. "See you later." He headed off at a ground-eating jog.

Quatre rolled his eyes, and went in.

Duo was lying on his stomach on the bed, holding his stuffed bear in one hand and an empty ice-cream carton in the other. He barely looked up as Quatre sat next to him.

"What's wrong?" the Arabian asked gently, stroking tangled hair away from one pale cheek.

Duo sighed. "Nothing."

"It isn't nothing."

"Sorry I locked you out. Why didn't you use your key?"

"I let you borrow it one night and never got it back, remember?"

"Oh. Yeah."

"Come on. I'm your best friend. You can tell me."

Duo finally sat up, and rubbed his eyes wearily. "He hates me. I hate me. Everybody hates me."

"I don't hate you."

"You would if I pushed you too fast and scared you off."

Quatre made a few guesses. "A new date?" Then he was alarmed. "You didn't bring one of your quickies from the park here, did you?"

Duo snorted. "Of course I didn't. It was--" Then he hesitated. "It was--someone else. You... wouldn't even believe it."

"Try me."

"It doesn't matter. The point is that he hates me now and he won't even look at me and I feel bloody awful."

Quatre picked up the ice cream carton, and noticed another one rolling around between their beds. "Well," he said, "I can see why."

They were silent for a long time, as Quatre searched for something to say. It wasn't like Duo to get so worked up over a date that didn't work out. "I know," he murmured at last. "The disco will be open by now. Let's go dancing."

Duo looked at him. "You hate dancing."

"I don't hate it... Come on. We'll get all nice and dressed up and spend the whole night there if you want and come home and watch dirty videos."

Duo laughed weakly. "I wonder about you sometimes, Quatre."

"Is that a yes?"

"It's a yes."

"We're going to have to fix the door first." And they both rolled their eyes.

Quatre passed by on the arm of pretty brunette girl wearing too much makeup. He had a long-suffering expression on his face, but he dredged up a smile for his best friend. Then he realised Duo hadn't even seen him--despite the fact that he was only about a metre away. "Duo," he called, waving a hand in front of the other pilot's face. Duo blinked, and looked at him. "Oh," he said. "Hi." Quatre turned and followed Duo's stare out to the dance floor--and straight to Chang Wufei. His own eyes widened as he turned back to his best friend.

"You *do* like him!"

"I do not," Duo replied, half-heartedly.

"You're staring at him!"

"He stares back."

Quatre laughed. "In your dreams," he teased, but kindly. "Come on. Can't you find a partner out there? The whole point of a disco is to move, you know, not stand in a corner and gape like an idiot."

Duo spared him a dour glance, and sighed. "Fine."

"Terrific." Quatre shoved the girl he was escorting into Duo's arms.

"Here's a partner. Get out there. I'm going to go get a drink."

The brunette smiled up at him. "Hey there, cutie," she said. She looked him over, noting the untucked white button-down shirt that Duo had not bothered to change and the school-cut trous. "Come on. You look like you could use some cheering up."

Duo cracked a smile. "Yeah," he replied. "Yeah, I could." He followed her out to the floor, squirming between couples and loners until they reached the centre, and she promptly collapsed into his arms, leaning all her weight on him so that he almost had to hold her up with his arms around her waist. She shot loaded glances up at him through mascara-laden lashes, and leaned her head on his shoulder as a slow song started.

Duo endured.

Wufei cradled his date against his chest as they danced, and slowly maneuvered her around so that he could followed the braided figure as it swayed so near him. He didn't know that his uncertainty was shining in his eyes, and probably would have denied it if he had been told.

Duo looked up, and saw the dark sable orbs gazing at him. He returned their look, not knowing that his need was darkening his eyes from blue to violet. His brunette suddenly stepped back a little, staring down at his crotch in shock. Duo blinked at her, then realised what had happened and blushed.

"Sorry," he said. "I was thinking of someone else."

Her head snapped up, and then she slapped him. "Charming," she bit out, and stalked away.

Duo rubbed his cheek, embarrassed until he decided that no one had seen. He looked up, searching for Wufei in the crowd.

The Chinese pilot was gone.

Quatre swept his damp hair back from his face, and shook it out. "God," he sighed. "It was sure hot in there." He stumbled on a loose stone in the pavement, and grabbed Duo by the arm. "Whoops!"

"Yeah."

"It's funny how we haven't had any missions lately. We've been here for a while now."

"Not so funny. Oz isn't making any moves now, not with the trouble they've had within their own organisation. They're too busy trying to kill each other to worry about killing us."

"Don't you think this would be a good time to strike, then?"

Duo laughed. "I'm not making fun of you," he apologised, "but you don't really understand this kind of stuff. It's not surprising; it's outside your own nature to be so... political. Oz is in turmoil, right enough, what with Pro-Treize and Anti-Treize and whatnought--and turmoil means that they're going to be spread so thin that an attack from us right now would have virtually no effect. Information two hours old could be obselete by the time we get our Gundams to the What's-its-Name Base; we could end out killing people who might end out on our side, in a left-handed way. I think the Pro-Treize people will have to help us, at least for a little while. They'll have to, if they want to survive."

Quatre stared at him, then shook his head. "Sometimes I forget how smart you are."

"I do think about other things than sex, you know."

"I'm not always so sure, Duo." He laughed. Then he swung around and grabbed Duo by the shoulders. "I've got an absolutely awful idea. Let's break into Heero's dorm, steal his laptop, download a whole bunch of porn and reset his entire desktop functions to display naughty pics--complete with sounds! Then we'll steal some beer, get totally smashed, and run all of Heero's spandex up the flag-pole!"

Duo laughed. "You've got a hidden mean-streak, Q. What will our dorm-mates think?"

Quatre threw his arms up. "We *are* the dorm-mates!"

He affected surprise. "You know--you're right. Let's do it! Get the beer first, though."

"Right!" Quatre laughed, and sprinted ahead toward the cafeteria building as it came up around the corner. "I'll be back in ten minutes!"

"I'll leave the door open." Duo watched him go, amused, then turned and headed for the dorms.

I came late to sex--but once I was there, I didn't wait long to find out all the secrets. Quatre was the only one who knew just how much I knew--but he was kind enough not to try and change me. I was who I was, he figured. He was right enough about that. At sixteen, you're not looking for love--you're looking for--what did Quatre call them? Oh yeah. My "quickies." I liked it that way: quick. No pain. Risk in plenty, in getting caught or getting hurt or sick, but risk made my blood race and that was half the fun. Quick, and simple.

So--when you're sixteen, and love finds you...

The young are immortal. We can never die or age, not us, not the beautiful timeless gods who know too much too young and can never know enough to stay out of trouble.

But even the young can be caught by surprise.

Duo heard the door, and didn't bother to crack his head out of the bathroom. "I'm changing. Be out in a minute." But then the bathroom door opened, and Duo turned, half-annoyed--and saw Wufei, wobbling slightly, pissed as a lord, a sensual bronze-skinned wet-dream staring at him with depthless, hungry eyes.

Duo forgot to breathe.

Wufei opened his mouth, and after a long time, managed to force sound out.

"I--"

Duo stared back at him, utterly still.

"I... I have to use your bathroom."

Duo blinked.

"Sure," he said finally. He picked up his shirt and slowly edged out, forced to worm past the unmoving boy blocking the doorway. He carefully shut the door behind Wufei, and leaned back against it as his brain suddenly communicated with his lungs again and he gasped.

Quatre came in.

Duo was on him in a second, clapping a hand over the blonde's mouth and hurrying him right back outside into the hall.

"He's here!" he hissed.

Quatre blinked. "Who is?"

"W--the guy from earlier. The guy who ran out. He's here."

"Oh!" Quatre glanced back inside. "Then why are we out here?"

Duo looked at him, pleading and apologetic at the same time. Quatre sighed.

"Fine," he muttered. "I'll go see if Heero wants company. You owe me so big, Duo, it's not even funny."

Duo hugged Quatre hard. "Thanks, Q."

"Yeah, yeah." Quatre beat a retreat, but called over his shoulder, "Just make sure you don't use *my* bed, Duo."

He grinned.

He slipped back inside, and locked the door, just to be positive they wouldn't be interrupted. Then he attended to his shirtlessness, pulling on a clean tee shirt and kicking off his shoes. Then he sat--perched really--on his bed, and stared at the bathroom door.

Wufei finally emerged, his face damp from a quick washing and still a little unsteady on his feet. He stopped when he saw Duo, who had half-risen, and a look of such desire came over his face that Duo sat right back down. Then he got to his feet, too nervous to give Wufei the advantage of height in this strange encounter as the Chinese boy came toward him. Wufei stopped about three steps away, just looking at him with that primal need in his eyes.

"Your door was open," he mumbled finally. "I hope you don't mind."

"No," Duo whispered.

Wufei tried to say something else, and failed. For a moment he looked angry with himself; then it gave way to that incredible hunger again, and suddenly he closed the distance between them, grabbed Duo's face between his hands, and kissed him.

Duo gasped straight down Wufei's throat, and gasped again when his open mouth let Wufei's tongue past his lips.

Wufei slowly released him, and Duo raised a hand, dazed, to his swollen lips. Inanely, he asked, "Do you want some coffee?"

Wufei shook his head, silken black hair falling into his face. "I don't like coffee."

"You don't like kissing, either."

Wufei sat on the bed, facing away from him, head in his hands. "Stop being such a smartass," he whispered. "Oh, God, Duo... "

Slowly, Duo sank onto the bed just behind Wufei. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. Don't be sorry. Shit, Maxwell... " Wufei shook his head, then spoke again, his words just a little ragged, his shoulders quaking just a little. "I can't get you out of my head. Why? Since... since earlier today, Duo, I couldn't stop thinking about--" He turned, and the ebony eyes searched Duo's face, searching. "What's wrong with me?" he whispered.

Duo shook his head. "Nothing is wrong with you," he breathed.

"I'm scared."

"I know."

"Confused."

He half-smiled. "I know."

"No!" Wufei slammed a fist down onto the bed. "You *don't* know! *You're* not confused!"

"I'm getting there."

Wufei just shook his head, and rubbed his eyes. "It's just--" He drew a deep breath. "You're a man. I'm... and yet, all I can think of is... "

Duo mutely drew Wufei into an embrace, guiding the dark head to his shoulder. "Shh," he whispered. "Shh. It's all right."

One of Wufei's hands slid down his back, then back up to his shoulder. He raised his head a little, and looked up at Duo in the darkness. Duo held his breath, afraid even to move, to startle him, to remove Wufei's delicious warmth from his hold... so Wufei moved first, brushing his mouth over Duo's jaw, tracing a path to his lips. He looked up again into those deep violet eyes; then he began to unbutton Duo's trousers. They kissed again, exploring slowly and then urgently; and then Duo guided Wufei down on the lumpy dorm-issue mattress, where there was no further need for talk.

Wufei woke groggily. It was dim in the room, too hard to see anything with eyes that were strained with hangover--but it didn't smell like his room.

Where the hell was he? Cautiously, he sat up, and found himself face to face with a raggedy stuffed teddy bear perched on a shelf.

He exhaled slowly. Duo. He had... spent the night with Duo.

As if thinking the name had somehow summoned him, the American himself appeared in the doorway, holding a tray that was stacked with breakfast foods from the cafeteria. He smiled when he saw Wufei was awake, and set the tray on his lap. "Morning," he said, absently tucking a loose wisp behind his ear.

Wufei felt green at the thought of food, and carefully put the tray on the floor where he wouldn't have to look at it. The movement twisted the already mangled sheets, and Wufei realised he was naked--and that Duo was watching him with some appreciation. He blushed, amazed that he still could, after last night.

He watched as Duo sat on Quatre's bed--Quatre! In a moment of pure panic, he demanded, "Where is he?"

Duo raised an eyebrow. "Q? In the bathroom."

"Shit!" Wufei surged out of bed and grabbed his pants from where they were draped over a nearby chair, struggling to work his way into them while Duo laughed. "Shit!"

Duo laughed even harder. "He says that if you make an honest man out of me, he'll give us his blessing."

"He said--" Very slowly, it penetrated Wufei's brain that he was being teased. He sat heavily, glaring at the smirking violet-eyed imp who chortled at him. "Funny," he growled.

"It's okay," Duo grinned. "He spent the night at Heero's. And he's an even later riser than you. Did you know it's nine o'clock?"

Wufei looked at him seriously. "Can we get out of here?" he asked. Duo blinked, surprised--then nodded.

Fifteen minutes later found them walking in Franklin Park--an irony which amused Duo, but apparently had no effect on Wufei. Out of respect for his lover, Duo was holding his quiet--but it was hard. He wanted to burst into song, or something equally ridiculous. He wanted the whole world to know how wonderful he felt.

Wufei finally broke their silence. "I feel like everyone's watching me," he said, softly.

"I know," Duo admitted. "Sometimes I feel that too."

"How can you stand it?"

"It's part of being the way we are. You get used to it."

"But you're lying. To everyone. You said Shinigami never lies."

"It's not lying. It's--not telling all of the truth." He reached behind him and grabbed his braid, hauling it over one shoulder so he could play with the tuft. "We hide it to protect other people--and ourselves. From jerks like your buddy, Hunter Osborne. They're bloody awful to me because they *think* I'm gay--imagine what they'd be like if they *knew* I was."

They turned into a lightly wooded area near a stream. "I don't know if I can get used to it," Wufei confessed, obviously thinking deeply. "It's like--like I'm keeping some awful secret from the entire world. And they won't leave me alone until I reveal it."

Duo shrugged. "Fine. Let's tell everyone."

He was unprepared for the violence of Wufei's reaction. He grabbed Duo's arm and swung him around, shaking him hard. "No! Don't even think about it!"

Duo stared at him. "I wasn't serious," he managed. "You're hurting me. Let go."

With a sudden look of consternation, the other pilot obeyed, and Duo rubbed his arms, sure he would have new bruises. After a moment, Wufei sighed and touched his shoulder gently in apology. "I'm just scared, Duo."

He nodded. "It's okay, Wu."

"But nobody can know. Not even Quatre. No one can know, understand, or it's off!"

Duo couldn't contain the smile that spread across his face. "It's on, then?"

The dark eyes softened. "Of course it is," he murmured.

Duo grinned, and stepped toward his lover to kiss him gently on the cheek. He was promptly shoved away, as a jogger ran by. He bit his lip, trying not to laugh at the expression on Wufei's face--and then dodged a growling, grinning Chinese and ran headlong down the forest path. "Woohoo!" he screamed.

And Wufei was right beside him.

Duo frowned down at his scale. It read 98 lbs. He got off it, picked up it, tried to decide if it was broken or if he had really gained almost two kilos.

Quatre finished brushing his teeth and watched him in amusement. "Whatever are you doing?"

Duo's frown deepened. "Do I look any bigger to you?"

"Not really." Quatre squinted. "You're finally starting to fill out, I think. Maybe you're finally going to get a body to match that deep voice of yours."

Duo wasn't laughing. "Shit," he muttered. He replaced the scale, resisting the urge to hurl it out the window their room didn't have. "Shit shit shit."

He couldn't afford to gain weight! Deathscythe was configured for a short, light-weight pre-adolescent. If he grew, he increased the odds against his being able to pilot his beloved partner without taking risks with the machinery that depended so completely on delicate configurations. He couldn't grow! It would screw everything up!

Quatre glanced at the clock. "Hurry up. We're going to be late to homeroom."

Duo was *not* happy. He removed his lunch from his bag and tossed it to Quatre. "Here. You can have it."

"You're overreacting. It's just a few pounds, Duo."

"Never mind, okay? Come on. You're the one who's so worried about being late." Quatre rolled his eyes, but Duo was already out the door.

They joined the crowd of students headed for the main building, and Duo scowled at his feet the entire way. There was just no help for it, he decided. Four extra pounds meant a diet--a strict one. No more junk food. No more food period, that would affect his weight. He'd be eating a lot of salads for the next few weeks. He was going to keep that weight off. This was no time to grow. The one time in his life when being shrimp-sized was perfect, and his stupid body wanted to blow it--!

He looked up, and saw Wufei coming. He felt a blush start on his cheeks, but was unaware of how his face lit up. He smiled big and said, "Hi, Wufei!" Wufei pushed past him as if he were not even there, pausing only to hiss,

"I already told you! Don't talk to me in public!"

Quatre was startled by the sudden disappointment on Duo's face. "Hey," he said, concerned. "Are you okay?"

Duo stuffed his hands in his pockets. *Should've expected that,* he thought. Wufei *had* warned him.

"Let's get going." He sprinted ahead.

Duo knocked one more time on Wufei's door. And, good God, it finally opened to reveal his lover, looking at him with something like nervousness, if Wufei had been capable of displaying that particular emotion.

Duo smiled, and held out the single carnation he'd whimsically plucked from one of the median gardens that dotted the campus. It was white; he thought the colour suited his friend.

Wufei took it very slowly. "What are you doing here?" he asked uneasily.

"I thought maybe we could spend some time together. You know, hang out." Duo tried not to sound pathetically hopeful. "I mean, it's the weekend, no one's around... no one'll see if we go out for Italian or whatever. All gone home."

Wufei shook his head. "I can't, Duo." When the braided pilot's face fell, he shuffled his feet awkwardly. "I'm busy tonight."

"Oh." Duo shoved his hands in his pockets. "It's just, you know, I haven't seen you all week, and you won't even talk to me... I miss you. All of you." He reached playfully for his lover, intending to touch his bronze-skinned cheek, and stared in hurt surprise when Wufei rebuffed him, slapping his hand away with undue force.

"Not in public," the other boy snapped. He shook his head. "Look, Duo, not tonight. Later. I promise. Okay? It's just--uh--the guys are coming over."

Duo shrugged. "So?" he retorted, defiant. "I don't mind. Maybe they'll loosen up if they get to know me. I'll stay."

"No!" Wufei blocked him when he would have tried to enter the dorm.

"Uh--they--we're going to leave right away."

"Where are you going? I'll go with you."

"No!" Wufei's eyebrows shot together like ebony slashes. "Look, forget about going anywhere with me tonight, okay! I told you I'm busy. I don't want them to see you! God, Duo, they think you're gay. If they find out we know each other, they'll think I'm gay too."

Duo blinked slowly over that one. "I thought you were," he said softly.

"Duo--forget it. Just forget it!" He started to shut the door, then stopped. "Why can't you leave well enough alone? Isn't it enough that we have a little time for each other? Just be content for once! Maybe you don't care what people think of you, but I do. Respect that!"

The American bit his lip. "I'm sorry, Wu," he muttered, looking at his shoes. "I didn't think of that."

"Yeah, well, do think about it. I'll see you later. Later." Wufei shut the door, and Duo stood staring at it for a long minute.

Then, very quietly, he whispered, "I'm sorry, Wu." He turned and walked back to his room. Maybe Quatre had left some alcohol lying around. Legal or not, Duo wanted something strong.

Wufei smiled down at his date, and kissed her gently on the lips, laughing a little as she slid her arms over his shoulders. "Thanks for a terrific evening, my dragon," she muttered, running her fingers through his hair. Wufei laughed again, amused to hear her call him that. "Any time."

"I'll hold you to that."

He escorted her into the cab that would take her back to her parent's house, and shut the door after her. She waved to him as it drove away, squealing on the rain-wet pavement. The Chinese pilot shivered a little, and backed up until he stood under the protection of the canvas canopy that sheltered the Italian resturant's doorway.

He heard footsteps coming toward him, and turned.

Immediately he felt the sudden draining of blood from his face. "Duo," he said.

Duo was very wet, and very drunk. He tried hard not to even look at his lover as he staggered past, but his furious grief demanded some kind of release. "Just stay out of my life!" he snarled, slapping away the hands that reached out for him.

"Duo!" Wufei grabbed him, and held on when Duo whirled and tried to punch his lights out. Finally the fight went out of him, and Duo lurched back a step, tears mingling with the moisture on his face.

"You lied to me," he accused.

Wufei shook his head. "Duo, let me explain."

"Explain what? You told me you cared about me! If you care about me why did you lie to me so you could be with some girl?"

Wufei bit his lip, reaching for Duo again and was soundly rebuffed. "It isn't like that... "

"Tell me what it *is* like!"

He looked away from the pain in Duo's eyes. "I--I needed to feel--to feel good about myself. I felt normal, being with her--proud, I guess--And I--I like her, Duo, I really do like her... " He trailed off uncertainly.

Duo stared at him, looking lost and small. "Fine," he muttered. "So now I know." He turned away.

Wufei grabbed his arm. "No, you don't know! Duo, I--yes, I went out with her, and I like her, but--"

"But what?" Duo took another swing at him, but his balance was so far gone that he succeeded only in staggering closer to Wufei. He stared up at him, eyes gone dark and empty, and asked quietly, "Do you love her?"

Wufei shook his head. "No," he whispered. "Duo, I love *you*."

For a moment, Duo closed his eyes--then blinked away new tears. "How do I know that, Wu? God, you--*I* want to be the one to make you feel good about yourself, not some girl! I want you to be proud of *us*, but you're not!" He hiccupped, and scrubbed furiously at his eyes. "You're *ashamed* of us! At school you won't even talk to me. You don't even want people to know that we're *friends*! How can I trust anything you say? How can I believe you love me if you won't even look at me when we're with other people? It's not *enough*, Wufei! It's not enough."

Wufei's chest was tight, his throat constricted. "I'll change," he promised. "Please. Give me another chance. I'll change all of that, I swear it, just give me another chance. I'll prove I love you."

Duo shook his head--but then he stepped into Wufei's arms. "I love you," he whispered. "I hate you for making me feel this way--but I love you."

He held his lover as tightly as he dared without breaking him. "You need a shave," he said, trying to smile.

His response was a watery laugh. "I just shaved last month."

He stroked Duo's straggling hair, giddy with relief. If Duo could joke, it couldn't be too bad. "Let's go back to the dorms," he said. "We'll have tea and talk about things, all right?"

Duo nodded. "All right."

Duo was so hungry he wanted to scream. Only repeated warnings to himself kept him from raiding Quatre's junk-food stash in the closet--if he gained weight, he'd lose Deathscythe. He contented himself--or tried to, anyway--with more ice cubes and a rice cake. Fake food.

Heero poked his head in around mid-morning. He was nattily attired in his best uniform, and his hair had actually been brushed, for once. "Duo?" he called.

The American pilot looked up. "Yeah?"

Heero frowned at him. "Are you sick? You look kind of pale."

"What's up?" Duo asked, shrugging away the concern.

"Would you like to come with us to the assembly? We figure if we get there early, we'll have good seats and we'll all be able to sit together."

"Sounds like a plan." He stood, and grabbed his shoes and his coat. "Who all is 'we'?"

"You, me, Quatre, Chapman, Gwendolin Fiene and Camille. A couple others too."

"You've become quite the popular one, my hero." He remembered to lock the door behind him, and tried to walk and finish dressing at the same time by steadying himself on Heero's impassive shoulder. Heero stoically ignored his hopping and cursing, and they took a short-cut across the ball-field to the assembly building.

Quatre and one of the girls were waiting for them outside the door. The blonde waved cheerfully, then announced that their seats awaited inside. Duo held the door for his friends, then made to follow them in.

A hand landed on his shoulder, and Duo looked up.

It was Wufei, complete with cronies, all smiling black eyes and unconscious grace as he held Duo from going inside. "Hey," he said. "I've got good news. Meet me out back after the assembly?"

Duo was stunned, and so only managed a nod. Then, his face split into a happy grin. Wufei was doing it! He was keeping his promise!

The taller boy grinned back at him, and for a moment his fingers squeezed Duo's shoulder tightly--and then he was off, going inside with Hunter Osborne and his goons.

Duo was ready to float.

If the assembly was agony for a love-struck boy, waiting out back for a tardy lover was hell on earth. Just when Duo was about to give up entirely, though, Wufei appeared, jogging up panting and saying something in apology for making him wait.

"I've got great news," he repeated.

"You're pregnant."

"No!" Wufei laughed. "My dorm-mate is going to be gone all weekend. I'll have the place to myself, and it's bigger than yours. What do you say?"

Duo started to nod, then stopped and smacked his forehead. "I can't! Q and I have a huge project due in Economics. He'd kill me if I cut out on him."

Wufei grinned. "Too bad," he said, and then he was gone.

Quatre glared at him. "Duo! You said you'd do your share on this. I'm *not* doing the whole thing by myself!"

"Please, man!" Duo grabbed Quatre's hands and held tightly, staring pleadingly at him. "I swear I'll do my share. I promise. On a Bible, on the sun and the moon and the colonies! Just *please*. This is my chance to see him!"

"See *who*?" Quatre shook his hands free and threw them up into the air. "I don't even know who it is that takes up so much of your time! Every weekend you disappear, Duo, *every* *weekend* and here I am doing *your* homework!"

Duo bit his lip. Wufei's warning ran through his head--tell anyone and it's off. But--surely it wouldn't matter if he told Q? His best friend already knew that Duo was gay, after all. "Listen," he said. "I'll tell you who it is, and you'll see why it has to be this weekend. Please?"

Quatre slumped back onto his bed, and threw an arm over his eyes. "Damnit, Duo. You have no idea how pissed I am."

"*Please*, Quatre."

"Argh! Fine!" He sat up. "I've wanted to know who has you so utterly captivated, anyway. It's not like you."

Duo sat on the edge of the bed. "Promise not tell anyone. It's important, Quatre."

"I know how to keep my mouth shut. You're the motor mouth, remember?"

Duo let that pass. "It's Wufei. We're lovers."

Quatre's immediate response stung. "You wish!"

"No! It's true. Wufei and I are lovers, we have been for almost a month and I love him and he loves me!"

Quatre let out an explosive breath. "Oh God, you're serious," he muttered, staring at him. "Slow down, Duo. How did this happen?"

"Does it matter? The point is that no one can know, so I can only be with him on weekends, when most of the kids are out. That's why I have to go, Quatre, can't you see?" He picked at the coverlet, eyes downcast. "Quatre, I love him."

The blonde was silent for a long time. "I think you must, if only because you never use that word lightly. I'm going to hate myself for this, but--go."

Duo leapt up and hugged him. "Thank you!"

"Save your energy for Wufei." Quatre peeled him off--then hugged him again, quickly. "Get out before I change my mind. Wufei! Of all people."

Duo grinned. "I owe you one, man." He grabbed his sneakers and stuffed his feet in, already moving toward the door.

"More like three or five!" The door slammed shut, and Quatre shook his head. "Oh, Duo."

Duo ran up another set of stairs and careened down an endless hallway before arriving, breathless and flushed, at Wufei's door. He took a moment to compose himself, then knocked.

Wufei answered--wearing nothing but skimpy briefs.

Duo grinned.

If I hadn't been looking for love, at least I wasn't disappointed when I found it. It was everything it was rumoured to be--exquisite torture. When I was with him, nothing but us seemed to matter. When he was gone, the sun didn't shine as bright, class bored me to tears, and the outside world invaded the quiet illusions I'd begun to build about being a normal kid. Our time together was always short, always limited to what we managed to steal from school or our other friends. Wufei was just discovering the world of pleasure and gratification that I was already familiar with, but I found a completely new joy in being his teacher. He learned everything I had to teach him, in fact--everything except how to be easy about our relationship in public.

When I was older, and some things didn't matter so much, I'd look back and wonder why I wasn't honest about myself. Shinigami runs, he hides, but he never lies; except, of course, when it's something personal. Sure, it would have been hard, but not as hard as what was coming for me. I am who I am and I'm not ashamed of it: I'd just convinced myself that I needed to hide it.

Wufei wasn't like that. He could accept that he loved another boy, loved me, and found sexual satisfaction in our lovemaking--but he couldn't accept that he was gay, not with all the ancient prejudices and stigmas that were attached to his concept of it. So, for him, I kept it to myself and tried not to act "girly" as he put it. I would have done anything for him. I knew I loved him.

Sometimes, unfortunately, love just isn't enough.

Heero leaned back against the railing, watching Duo splash around in the lake with Relena, who had once again invaded Heero's personal universe and set up shop, and Quatre's date, a dainty red-head with a temper completely out of proportion with her delicate looks. Beside him, Quatre finished smearing his pale skin with another layer of sunscreen, then stretched as hard as he could.

"This is nice," he said.

Quatre nodded. "It's great, actually. I think the school should declare bankruptcy so we could have a never-ending weekend."

Heero was squinting out at the lake. "Does he look all right to you? Duo, I mean?"

Quatre glanced out. "No different from normal."

"He's getting really skinny. You can see every bone in his body."

"He's on some kind of diet. He's obsessed with losing weight."

"He's losing it, all right. He looks like a skeleton. You hadn't noticed?"

"I live with him. I guess I don't really look at him anymore, you know?"

"Hn." Heero opened a soda and took a long gulp. "No message from Trowa? He should have communicated with us by now."

"No message. But if anything was wrong, I'd know." Quatre patted his heart.

Heero glanced at him and frowned; then he nodded. "I'd forgotten."

Quatre laughed. "Sometimes I'd like to, as well. But it does come in handy!"

Duo was watching all the nearby sidewalks for signs of his lover. Wufei had promised to "happen by"--but so far he was a no-show. They hadn't had any time alone together in two weeks, with one thing or another, and even though meeting in a public place where Wufei would hesitate to touch him except for the most casual of gestures wasn't the same as being alone together away from watching eyes, Duo had to be content with that. Sometimes he thought that people would be able to tell even if he wasn't holding perfectly still instead of jumping Wufei like the horny bastard he was--he knew his love shone in his face every time he saw his lover.

When Wufei finally did arrive, pretending to be out for a jog, Duo was so eager to see him that it was hard not to leap out of the water and go sprinting towards him. Instead, with studied nonchalance, he got up, dried off unhurriedly, and headed over the water fountain for a drink. Wufei met him there, trying to conceal his own hungry looks.

"I've missed you," Duo whispered.

Wufei gave him a high-five, and held onto Duo's fingers for just a moment longer than necessary. "Same. Can we talk for a while?"

"Sure." They walked slowly toward a bench, and it was all Duo could do not to grab Wufei's hand or turn and kiss him. Judging by the looks he was getting from under those black glowering brows, Wufei felt the same. That was gratifying.

They sat together, Duo in his swimming trunks and Wufei in a loose white shirt and running sweats. The silence was charged.

Finally, Duo threw his head back and tossed his arms up, then collapsed backward against the bench. "We won't have to go through all this shit once the war is over," he muttered fiercely. "We can be together whenever we damn well want, and won't have to sneak around and pretend."

"Listen to you," Wufei said, a little amused. "'When the war is over'! That's ages away, Duo. This lull is only temporary--and then we'll have a whole new fight on our hands, with whomever wins within Romafeller."

Duo made a face. "I know. But it doesn't hurt to have dreams, does it? I mean--well, where are you going to go? When no one needs Gundams anymore?"

"I don't know. My colony is... " He shook his head. "China, I suppose. I've wanted to see more of it--at peace."

"What will you do?"

"Well--I was studying to be a scholar, before the war."

"Terrific!" Duo brushed damp hair out of his face. "And I'll come see you in China. Whenever we damn well want! You *do* want me to come see you, don't you?"

" ...Of course I do."

But Duo, who was not really listening, missed the hesitation. "Sure you don't wanna come for a swim?"

"No thanks. I don't like lake water, and besides, I've got a game with Hunter and the guys."

"Have fun, I guess--though I don't see how *anyone* could have fun with 'Hunter and the guys.'" Duo waved off Wufei's protest. "I know, I know--they're not so bad when you get to know them. All the same, I'll keep my distance!"

Wufei stood, and stretched down to touch his toes. "Can I see you tonight?"

"I promised Quatre and Heero that we'd all spend the night. But you could come?"

"No. Never mind. It'll wait til the weekend." He straightened, and cast a final loving smile at Duo. "I'll see you."

The look in Duo's eyes warmed him all the way to his toes--and Wufei thought it best to leave before he embarrassed himself in public.

Heero called to Duo. "Hey! We're going to play a game. Are you joining us?"

"Yeah!" Duo jumped to his feet, and ran back toward his little party of friends gathered on the bank. He settled down on the blanket, completing their circle. "What are we playing?"

"Ten fingers," Quatre replied.

"All right!" Duo laughed. "I always lose this one, girls, so your odds of winning just increased."

Relena sniffed--she had a way of ignoring Duo when he annoyed her--but Quatre's date, the redhead, giggled.

"The object is to think of things you've never done, but that you think the others have," Quatre explained to Heero and Relena. "For example, if I said, 'I've never gone skiing,' and you have, you have to put down a finger. You want to keep as many fingers up as possible; the first person to put down all ten loses. No subject is off-limits. Got it?" At their nods, he went on.

"I'll start." Each of them presented their hands toward the centre of the circle. "Okay... I've never worn women's clothing."

"No fair, you know I have!" Duo cried, laughing. The redhead and Relena put one finger down. "Fine, fine. Heero, your turn."

The Japanese pilot considered his "I never" for a long time. "I've never," he said at last, "kissed a boy."

The girls immediately dropped their fingers--and, in a mood to be truthful while the euphoria of seeing Wufei was still on him, Duo obediently dropped one of his.

Quatre looked at him in surprise, and warning.

Relena and Heero had almost identical expressions of shock on their faces. "*You* kissed a boy?" the pilot demanded.

Duo couldn't help but grin.

Relena shook her head. "Your turn, Bekka," she said.

Quatre's girl frowned deeply in concentration. "I've never--gotten drunk."

Duo's finger went down; so did Heero's and Quatre's. Bekka grinned, glad to have gotten all three of the boys.

It was Duo's turn. "I've never... made out in a cinema."

Blushing deeply, Quatre and Bekka dropped their fingers, and so did Relena.

Heero shrugged.

The Peacecraft's turn. "I've never had sex." Down went Duo's finger; reluctantly, Quatre's joined him, and Bekky's. Duo whistled lecherously, and was ignored but for faint blushes.

Back to Quatre. "I've never, um, never gotten caught getting drunk."

Heero and Duo were down, with an exchanged look of disgust for that particular shared experience.

"I've never had sex with a guy," Heero announced.

Down went Bekky--and Duo.

He met all the stares with his own blush, and a shrug.

Relena spoke first. "What are you, gay?"

Duo bit his lip, and dropped a finger rather than replying.

Quatre rolled his eyes.

Heero suddenly snorted. "That explains a lot," he said cryptically. He eyed the annoyed Arabian. "I take it you knew?"

"Yes--and you would not believe how many times I've been warned not to tell anybody! Duo, are you out of your mind?"

Duo stuck a strand of hair into his mouth and chewed reflectively. "I hope not," he replied at last. "It's just--well, I guess I feel differently about it now. I mean, you're all my friends." His gaze included Relena and Bekky as well as Heero and Quatre. "If I can't tell you guys, then I can't tell *anyone*, and I don't want to hide something important from the people I love."

Her eyes soft, Bekky leaned over and hugged him; Heero eyed him with a certain grudging respect, and Quatre said heartily, "Well, finally!"

Duo laughed.

Duo frowned down at the scale. 87 lbs. It was less than he'd weighed when he'd first begun to pilot Deathscythe. But that was a good thing, right? The way Dr. G explained it, the lighter the pilot, the better. Made him feel kind of sorry for Zechs Merquise, who was positively huge... Well, Tallgeese was an older model. Maybe it worked differently for Zechs, but for Duo, that was just the way it would have to be.

Just a few more days on the diet he'd made for himself, and then he'd go back to eating more normally. Duo promised himself, felt better for that, and shoved the scale back under the sink with no further thought.

Someone knocked on the door. "I'll get it," Quatre called. A moment later, he called again, "Duo, it's Wufei."

Duo practically ran out of the bathroom. He stopped in his tracks, though, when he saw the look on Wufei's face.

"We need to talk," the Chinese pilot said, his voice even and clipped.

Quatre sensed trouble coming, and announced, "I'm going to go--uh--somewhere not here." He made a grab for his shoes, and left as fast as he could, closing the door behind him.

"Do you wanna take a walk?" Duo asked carefully, trying to gauge Wufei's mood. He received a curt nod in response, and turned away, troubled, to look for his pants. He grabbed his sweats instead of his school uniform, shimmied into them and pulled the drawstring tight, then stepped into sandals. Mute now, he looked at Wufei, who merely opened the door and left, obviously expecting Duo to follow.

They had been walking for maybe ten minutes before Duo broke the silence.

"Wu? Why are we taking the back way to Franklin Park?"

Wufei shoved his hands deep into his pockets, glaring darkly straight ahead. "You had to go and do it, didn't you."

Duo blinked. "Do what?"

Wufei clenched his jaw visibly. "You announced to everyone that you're gay."

"So? It wasn't everyone--it was Quatre and Heero and their girlfriends. It's not like I came out to the whole world." Duo was confused. "Look, it isn't like I told them about us!"

"But that's just it, Duo!" Wufei clamped down on himself as his voice began to rise, then pulled Duo into the shadow of a tree. "That's just it," he repeated hotly, but softly. "People aren't stupid. Everyone knows that you and I are friends now. It won't be long before they start making guesses! God, I'm so fucking embarrassed!"

Duo stared at him, shocked. "Well," he managed, "I don't want to rain on your parade, but it wasn't about you, or us, it was about me. My choice, Wufei! I've been living a lie all my life, and it felt good to be able to tell my friends the truth! So yeah, maybe Heero and the girls will make guesses, but they're not going to broadcast it at the next football game!"

Wufei threw him a furious glance. "Obviously you haven't heard the rumours," he bit out. "I don't know which one of them told, Duo, but it's all over school! You might as well have announced it at the game, because *everyone* knows!"

He shook his head, and looked up at his lover. "Does it make a difference?" he asked softly. "We can get around it. So, people know I'm gay. You don't have to tell them *you* are, if you don't want to. I'll even lie for you. Would that make you happy? If anyone asks me, I'll lie and tell them that we're just friends, just normal friends, and that you're straight as a ruler, okay! Christ, don't get so worked up about it!"

"No, Duo, we *can't* get around it! You could lie to every single person at the school and no one would believe it. Damnit, I can't believe you did this to me!" He turned and stalked a few paces away, then whirled again and glared at Duo.

Duo glared right back. "I didn't *do* anything to *you*," he hissed. "I *did* something I've always tried to do--I told the truth! And I'll tell you the truth now, Wu--I can't believe that what you feel for me is so shallow that you're letting this come between us! What would you have done if we wanted to live together after the war? What lies would you have told to conceal that?"

"Shut up, Duo, just shut up!" Wufei made a sharp slashing gesture with his hand. "You never understood what this meant to me!"

"You never understood what it meant to you, either!" Duo closed the distance between them and tried to take Wufei's face between his hands, but the Chinese boy wrenched away. "Do you love me or not?"

"No!" Wufei pushed him back, his face dark and savage. "And we're over. I don't ever want to see you again, Duo, unless it's on a mission with an army of mobile dolls between us!"

Duo stared at him in stricken silence.

Wufei left without another word.

Duo ignored the few classmates who waved to him and called his name. Here and there a teacher would call him over, and Duo barely heard. He ignored the boy who "accidentally" slammed into him in the hallway. He ignored the faint whisper of "homo" that followed his progress past a group of girls at a locker.

He found Relena and Quatre standing by their homeroom, with a patently bored Heero lounging nearby, and shoved his way rudely through the crowd of air-head groupies that always surrounded the Peacecraft girl. He planted himself in front of his friends, and asked, "Which one of you told?"

Quatre lost some of his radiance. "Duo," he began awkwardly.

"Look," he said coldly. "I don't care. It's not for me that I care. I want to know which one of you told."

None of them spoke.

Finally, Heero's quiet voice broke the silence. "We were in a public place, Duo. There were kids everywhere. Anyone could have overheard. None of us would have broken your trust."

Relena and Quatre seconded that just as softly.

Duo nodded. His eyes were red and he looked almost feverish. "Have you seen Wufei?" he asked the blonde Arabian. There was no real hope in his voice.

Quatre nodded reluctantly. "With Hunter Osborne. They were talking about it. He--Wufei--"

Duo didn't have to hear the rest of it. Of course Wufei would deny that he'd known Duo was gay. Of course he would pretend to be disgusted. Hell. Maybe he wasn't pretending.

The bell rang, and they went inside. Duo sat down and stared with eyes that ached from refusing to cry at the blackboard. And it suddenly registered what he was seeing.

Scrawled in angular handwriting was a crude message about a certain American pilot's sexual orientation.

Duo didn't care about the cruel words. He didn't care that people were staring at him and waiting--obviously having known that message was up there before he entered the room--waiting for him to react. Maybe they expected him to scream or weep like a fruity little girly-boy. Duo didn't give a damn about that.

It was Wufei's handwriting. *That* hurt.

The teacher entered with the second bell, and bent to slide his bag with his lesson plans under the desk. He picked up the attendence sheet and began to read off names.

A giggle started somewhere in the back.

Duo didn't answer when his name was called, and the teacher looked up. "Duo Maxwell?"

He drew a short breath. "Here," he said.

The laughter was spreading.

Finally the clueless teacher finished the attendence, and extracted a piece of chalk from his desk drawer. He turned to the board and lifted his hand to write the day's assignments. His eyes widened when he read the slander already displayed there in bright red.

He slowly began to erase it. Duo got up, a little dazed, and walked up to the front of the room. He ignored the instructor's soft query, and faced his classmates. Immediately the laughter stopped, as if someone had hit a "mute" button.

"It's true. I'm gay," Duo said into the silence. "And you can bet I'm not the only fag in this school." He was angry, but it was dim; the ache was bigger. He felt it spreading from the pit of his stomach all the way out to his fingers. "Laugh if you want. Throw eggs at my dorm and walk on the other side of the hallway--I expect that. But maybe when you've all grown up a little--ask yourself if it really matters. I'm still Duo Maxwell. I was good enough for you before." There was more--he wanted to say so much, say how it was all right to follow your feelings and wrong to hide a part of yourself, say how he felt betrayed by their childishness in wanting to see him hurt just because he liked boys--say, why aren't you laughing at Wufei the way you laugh at me? But he didn't. He turned and walked out of the classroom.

The quiet was oppressive, the stares burned into his back. He closed the door behind him and just walked. He didn't know where he was going and he didn't care how long it took to get there.

He ended out in Franklin Park.

There was a man, and Duo talked to him, but he didn't really hear what he was saying, and somehow that didn't seem to matter anyway. He followed the man into a public bathroom, maybe the same one that had been the site of his fated meeting with Wufei; it was deserted and the man took him inside a stall and began to undress him. Duo watched him fumble with a condom, swearing in urgency, and felt curiously detached. There was sweat and the smell of old piss and some pain. Then there was the floor, and Duo realised with that odd cold removal that he had fallen, and the man was shaking him as if he were frightened, and then running.

After what seemed a very long time, there was nothing.

"Duo?"

It seemed so hard to open his eyes. Quatre was bending over him, and he smiled when he saw that Duo was awake. "How do you feel?" he whispered, reaching down to grip Duo's hand.

What the hell was wrong with him? "Like shit. Where am I?"

There was Heero, standing behind Quatre and perching on the edge of his bed. "You're in the hospital. You don't remember?"

Duo was completely confused--and a little alarmed. "No. Why am I in the hospital?" He tried to sit up, but Quatre immediately pushed him back down.

"You collapsed," he explained, gently. "In the park. You were missing for hours before a jogger found you--he called for emergency help when he couldn't wake you. The police thought you'd been assaulted." He shook his head, and drew a deep breath. "You gave us a scare."

Duo began to remember bits and pieces of that. Tubes pushed into his throat, IV's into his arms. Someone asking questions about allergies and medications and what had he been doing out of school?

"Why did I collapse?" he asked.

Heero and Quatre exchanged a long look. In the end, it was the Wing pilot who spoke. "Duo, how long had it been since you'd eaten anything?"

He blinked.

Quatre sighed. "You fainted because you were weak from hunger, Duo," he said. "You'd been starving yourself. Pretty literally, it looks like. I don't know how we missed it, you look awful."

"Thanks."

"I mean it. How could you be so stupid? What in hell were you thinking?"

Heero put a hand on Quatre's shoulder, and the blonde boy bit back the rest of his lecture. He made his final shot, though. "Did you know that you're fifteen pounds underweight, at the very least?"

Duo shook his head--not in denial, but to clear the cobwebs. "It's better to be underweight. Deathscythe--"

"Can be adjusted for your growth," Heero told him softly. "I understand your reasoning... sort of. The smaller the pilot, the better it flies. But you were *already* underweight, Duo--we all are, basically. So when you went on that starvation diet, you put yourself in a lot of danger. You could have died."

A slight chill raced up his spine.

"I'm glad that scares you," Quatre said drily. "Oh, Duo." He squeezed Duo's hand tightly, and then bent to kiss his forehead. "You scared me so much!"

Heero looked vaguely uncomfortable with Quatre's expression of affection. He leaned back on his elbows and prodded Duo's foot with one finger.

"They're feeding you through a tube now, but once you're strong enough they'll move you back to solids. They say you have to stay here until you gain back all the weight you lost. If I were you, I'd go along with everything the doctors tell you."

"But--"

"Deathscythe will be waiting," Heero interrupted softly, understanding his distress. "I'll make sure of it personally."

Duo sighed. "Thank you," he whispered. "Guys, I'm... I'm so sorry."

"Don't be sorry," Quatre told him. "Just get better." He laughed unevenly.

"After that stunt you pulled in homeroom--"

A knock sounded at the door.

Heero got up to open it, and let Wufei in. The Chinese boy was red-eyed and worried; when he saw that Duo was awake, he stopped uncertainly. Quatre stood. "Come on, Heero. Let's go out to the car and get those books for Duo--he'll be here for a while."

"Aa." Heero paused to lay a hand on Duo's knee--a comforting gesture, especially from him--and followed the blonde Arabian, closing the door gently behind him.

Duo stared at Wufei; Wufei looked everywhere but at him. Finally, the Chinese asked how he felt.

"Not good," Duo replied truthfully. He hesitated. "You wanna sit down?"

"No... " Wufei took a few more shuffling steps to the bed, then stopped again. "You look a little better," he noted.

"If you say so." Duo sighed. "How long have I been in here?"

"Four hours... five if you count the one they worked on you." A pained look crossed his face, and he did sit then, and suddenly gathered Duo into his arms and held him tightly. "--Quatre called me. He told me you were in the-- I came here as soon as I could, I swear I came and didn't even think about how angry I was with you--And you... you looked like you'd been dead for a week, Duo, your bones sticking out and your skin so horribly pale. I--I just wanted to hold you, and make it better... "

Duo swallowed painfully. "Wu."

"And the police--they asked me questions, everybody but especially me because Quatre knew that we were--they asked if it was true that you were gay, and that we had a relationship, and had I noticed anything odd... I started to wonder if it was my fault, Duo, if I had hurt you, and I knew--I knew--" He drew back, and kissed Duo deeply, then clung to him again. "I knew I'd never loved anyone so much."

Duo didn't want to deal with it. He didn't want to say what Wufei wanted to hear, that it would be all right, that he was exonerated of blame, that they would make it work between them. Duo felt drained as Wufei rocked him and cried into his shoulder.

Duo had always been honest... especially with himself.

He gently disengaged Wufei's arms, and moved him back. "Wu," he said gently, "Calm down. Listen to me, please." He waited until he was sure Wufei wasn't going to interrupt, then continued as gently as he could. "I love you. I always will, in a way. But do you know what I've done? I can't hide it anymore. I don't mean at just this school. I mean anywhere I go. Trying to lie for you made me realise... I can't. Do you understand?"

The look in the dark ebony eyes told him that his lover understood him very well.

Duo kissed him, on the cheek, then on the forehead. "I think you should go now."

Wufei stood, and mutely walked to the door. He hesitated, his hand on the handle, and looked back, his eyes pleading, his lips parted to say something, anything.

"Wufei--be happy."

He nodded, and then he left.

Duo laid back down, and waited for sleep to claim him.

I came late to love... I was sixteen. Some might say that I was still just a child, but I don't think I ever was that young. Or, if I was, then the child in me grew up fast when Solo, and then Sister Helen and Father Maxwell, died one after the other. Love changes a person. I'd had my share of lovers, and only one who touched me so deeply that he changed me. I learned a lot about life while I was with him--not during the nights when we lay in each other's arms. Whatever secrets we found there were territories I had already explored, peaks already climbed and fresh to me only because of the rose-coloured glasses that tinted my lover. What I mean is, being with Wufei taught me that *I* was the strong one--I'd half believed that it must be him, to be able to limit what he felt and hide how he loved and restrict when he did it. When he left me, and I tried so hard not to weep, to just keep it all inside, I thought I would crumble from the weight of my agony and that life would forever be ashes. But I was wrong. The strong ones bend. Wufei broke.

Oh, I wasn't the one who broke him--that responsibility lies with his own inner conflicts. When he snapped, he snapped good; he joined Mariemaia Khushrenada, and attacked Heero screaming about his much-beloved justice. I think it just finally hit him that his justices were too idealistic for reality--and, as with God, you either had faith, or you didn't. Deep down, in the depths of his tortured heart, Wufei didn't have faith.

In my mind, he'll always be that beautiful, immortal god--young, foolish, flawed god, stupid in all the wrong ways. I loved him with all my heart. But love just wasn't enough. I needed honesty, too.

I like to think that he understood, eventually. We got on tolerably well after a while, when the pain had worn off; sometimes I would see him looking at me, wondering. I looked often enough, too. The impossibilities are dreadfully fascinating. But we'd had our time.

And then we danced apart, flying free to our "endless waltz" and trying to find ourselves in the harmonies, in other beds and other lovers' eyes, and learning.

The End

(:./erin/real)