9 Sep 1999
based on "Smooth" by Carlos Santana
DISCLAIMER: All Gundam Wing characters are property of Sunrise, Bandai Visuals, Setsu Agency, and Asahi TV. This work is not written for profit, but for entertainment purposes only.
WARNING: Contains shonen-ai scenes. Do not continue if you are uncomfortable with male-male romantic relationships.
Author's Notes: The Charm School Series is set primarily at the main Winner estate. For those who are interested in the geography and physical location of the action, here's a couple of tidbits.
I've placed the Winner's primary estate (01) in the Northern Sahara, in what today is the country of Algeria, along a huge sand formation known as the Great Eastern Erg. I have chosen to depict Quatre Raberba Winner as coming from a *Berber* background (instead of *Arab*) because of the similarity of his middle name to the French term for these peoples (Les Berbers). So please don't come after me with picks and axes because of the lack of palm trees and such!
Key for punctuation:
"..." - character dialogue
/.../ - character thoughts
^...^ - song lyrics
2pm - Airfield of Winner Oasis 01 / The Algerian Sahara
"Will he be getting off the plane any time soon, sir?"
"I'm not sure, Tahar. I do know that we can't rush this... How long has it been since the plane landed?"
"Forty-five minutes, sir."
"I'll give him 15 more minutes and then I'll try to go in and talk to him."
"Yes, sir."
Quatre Raberba Winner had never been good at hiding what he was feeling. Today was no exception. He stood on the tarmac of the small airfield his father had managed to carve out of the Saharan sand dunes and worried, openly. His brows were furrowed, he was wringing his hands, and he stared, unmoving, at the small jet on runway 2 that held a challenge almost as great as the war had been. He waited, full of sympathy and concern, for that challenge to show itself, for the great project he had just taken on to really begin.
He waited for Heero Yuy to leave the plane.
/I know how difficult it is, Heero. I've been there, too. But there are so many people and projects that need my attention, I bury that feeling deep down and only bring it out when I'm alone... I have to admit, Heero, I wondered if this would happen to you one day. No one else seemed to think you had any feelings, but you're the Spaceheart - your feelings are endless, aren't they? I know, Heero... I know... I love someone so much like you... /
Four Weeks Earlier
^ Man it's a hot one
Like seven inches from the midday sun
I hear you whisper and the words melt everyone
But you stay so cool... ^
Quatre looked over at the observation window and smiled. Trowa might be silent most of the time, but that silence hid a mind that took in everything. At the moment that mind was taking in the desert and that afforded Quatre the luxury of simply looking as long as he wanted to. How he wished he could do that more often.
/So beautiful... no other word to describe you. You hide behind your silence and your hair, and you think that people will ignore you. But Trowa, they don't -they can't. And neither could I. Not from the first moment. And you've always known that, haven't you? Thank you for not mocking me.../
"Something wrong?"
Trowa was looking at Quatre's reflection in the large window and his low, breathy voice roused the young Arabian from his reverie. "No! Nothing at all!" The blonde-haired boy moved across the room to stand next to his dearest friend. "My family has lived here for hundreds and hundreds of years. They started out as nomads... herding goats." Quatre smiled warmly up at the tall boy next to him. "So, what do you think of the Sahara?"
"Amazing," Trowa whispered.
It took a moment for Quatre to realize that Trowa had not been looking out the window when he made the remark, but down at him. He felt a leap of adrenaline rush through him, leaving him weak and needy. He looked up into the face that had changed the course of his life, into dark green eyes that reflected everything they saw, giving away nothing. He looked, and felt, a sad, helpless desire.
/Trowa! Why do you say things like that? How can you make me burn like this and stay so calm yourself? It's really not fair.../
The faintest trace of a smile played around Trowa's lips as he continued to stare into Quatre's large blue-green eyes. "It's all right, Quatre. Really. It's all right."
Quatre felt the blood rush into his cheeks, his heart racing, as he reached up and put a hand on Trowa's cheek. "Trowa..." he whispered, his thumb tracing the curve of the other boy's lips. His fingers were in that silky brown hair now, and he pulled gently on Trowa's head to take his mouth in a soft but passionate kiss.
^ My mu-equita
My Spanish Harlem Mona Lisa
You're the reason for my reason
The step in my groove... ^
He was floating... gone off to some other world, as he did whenever he touched his beloved friend. The kiss was deepening. His hands were on the green-eyed boy's arms and shoulders, almost pulling the taller boy to him - anything to press harder, take more. Trowa was letting him get away with so much tonight. How far could he take it?
He broke away from the kiss and led his friend to the large, deep pillows spread out on the floor. Pulling him down to sit, Quatre got up on his knees and faced Trowa. They were eye-to-eye now, and Trowa's smile was maddeningly ambiguous. Quatre couldn't tell for the life of him if Trowa wanted more or whether he wished Quatre would stop. It could have been either, given the look on his face.
/Tell me what you're feeling, Trowa! Do you like it when I do this? Or am I just being a nuisance? You're the one to slow this down if it's going to fast... You always have before ... Well, I'm going to believe in the best. If you're not talking, then I'm not stopping.../
Quatre leaned over and took Trowa's head in both of his hands. "Trowa... you're so beautiful... I know I shouldn't, but... I want you so badly..." Now the small blonde was nuzzling the other boy's cheeks, every now and then brushing over the exquisite mouth with his own fevered lips - the lightest kisses in the world. "Ahh... everything about you... can't stop thinking about it... nnnnnn... thinking... about doing this... doing more..."
Still no sign from the silent boy, nothing that would give away what he felt, whether he wanted this or not. His hands were on either side of Quatre's neck, but not moving, not exploring as his small partner's were - with the exception of one thumb, that moved back and forth, lightly caressing the sensitive skin over Quatre's collarbone.
Quatre pushed Trowa down gently onto the richly colored pillows and kissed him, hard. Then he pulled back and looked at the other boy. "Trowa? I... I need to know... do you... care about me?"
Trowa smiled softly. "Of course, Quatre. I care very deeply about you. As I do about Catherine. You know that."
/Ah, that name again! It always comes between us... Especially during times like this... Always there... His obligation... And the sad thing is, I understand it... It's family... I know that./
Quatre sat back on his heels. Trowa almost looked surprised and sat up slowly, returning Quatre's unbroken stare.
"But... Catherine... Catherine is your sister..." the blond boy managed to get out.
"Yes," Trowa replied. "I care more about the two of you than anyone."
/Push the knife in a little deeper, sweet friend... Is that it? Am I like a brother to you? Would you let a brother do what I just did? God! I can't take this! I want to know how he feels - *if* he feels anything.../
They were both standing now, and Quatre searched the dark green eyes for a clue - for anything that might give away a little of what the tall boy was feeling. But those eyes were pools of the calmest pond water, offering up only their lovely color to the outside world.
2:15pm - Airfield of Winner Oasis 01 / The Algerian Sahara
^ And if you say this life ain't good enough
I would give my world to lift you up
I could change my life to better suit your mood
'Cause your so smooth... ^
"Heero - I am so glad you've come. I've missed you. We've all been so scattered since the war ended. I was very honored that you called me. I know that you're probably feeling a little numb right now. But that'll go away. Really. You know, I'm in that big house up there, all by myself. You would sure do me a favor by coming up and getting settled in. All right?"
The two boys faced each other across the seats of the small plane. The former Wing pilot was curled up in his seat, stared straight ahead at the seat in front of him. His voice was the barest whisper. "He left. He went away with... with..." He couldn't complete the sentence, couldn't say the name of his rival, and his body began shaking. Quatre crossed the distance between them in one swift movement. He wrapped his arms around Heero before the Japanese boy could do a thing about it, and held him tightly.
"I shouldn't be here," Heero whispered. "Shouldn't be alive. There's no point. No compelling reason. I give up..."
"Don't say things like that!" Quatre replied angrily. "You're an amazing person, Heero. You're so strong. You could do anything if you really wanted to. And you'll find that reason to go on. I'll help you if you like. Just don't give up!"
As he looked into Heero's blank and beautiful face, Quatre realized just why he had been so quick to tell Heero to come to him. He saw what Heero had that drew them together.
/You're so much like him, Heero. That same surface... smooth, flat... so hard to get beyond. It's tantalizing and I don't think either one of you realizes that.. But you have this other side, too, don't you? The side that's howling in so much pain right now that it's frozen you solid. Those feelings that are so deep that stirring them changes everything about you... Just like me.../
"Come on, Heero. Let's get up to the house." Quatre picked up the dark blue jeans jacket that lay on the seat next to Heero's and pulled on the dark boy's hand until he was standing. He had begun to lead him down the aisle of the jet when he felt a sharp tug on his hand. He turned around to face Heero.
The other boy stood still, holding Quatre's hand tightly. "If I go out there," he whispered hoarsely, "if I go out there... does it mean I'll never see him again?"
Quatre felt a wave of sadness break over him. Despite what he knew about the Japanese boy, the depth of Heero's feelings for Duo came as a shock. He knew that the two of them had always been attracted to each other, in a strange, combatitive way. And he had spent a lot of time talking to Duo about the braided pilot's growing love for Heero and the lack of response he got back. But nothing about Heero had ever hinted at this amount of love for Duo, this depth of feeling.
/So much like Trowa... so much unknown./
**Two weeks earlier**
^ And just like the ocean under the moon
That's the same as the emotion that I get from you
You've got the kind of loving that can be so smooth
Give me you're heart, make it real
Or else forget about it... ^
"You're leaving?" Quatre tried hard to make his voice sound light and casual, but failed miserably.
Trowa continued packing, placing each item carefully in his small, leather duffel. "I've been away from Catherine too long. I got a message from her last night. She didn't say anything, but I could tell she was lonely."
Quatre stared at the floor while the thoughts came at him. /Not yet! We haven't settled anything! I don't know any more now than I did when he got here two weeks ago. Now he's leaving again and who knows when he'll be back./
"I asked Rashid to arrange for the trip to the spaceport. I hope that was all right with you," Trowa said. He had finished packing and was standing against the wall, his arms crossed over his chest.
"Uh... yes, of course. Why don't I go with you? To the port, that is?" Quatre took hold of Trowa's hands and squeezed them. "But, I really don't want you to go!"
Trowa continued to look at him inscrutably, so Quatre reached up and kissed him. Trowa brought a hand up and stroked Quatre's cheek, his mouth yielding completely to the blond's insistent touch.
/He gives it up so easily... first acts like it doesn't really matter, then acts like I could do anything to him.../
They broke off the kiss and stared into each other's eyes. Quatre made a decision. It couldn't go on like a game of cat and mouse any longer. Trowa needed to hear what Quatre's feelings for him really were. Trowa needed to hear it, and he himself needed to say it.
"Trowa... I love you. I love you with every part of myself. And, I need to know... Do you love me, too?"
Trowa brushed Quatre's hair off of his now-damp forehead. "I want you to be happy, Quatre. Want to make you feel happy. That's what life is for, isn't it? But we can't discuss anything more right now. After all, I'm leaving."
"Then when?" Quatre demanded. "When *can* we talk about this? Don't you realize what I just said? Can't you just give me an answer, yes or no, before you leave? I'm tired of having to play around at this. Is there something between us or not? If there is you shouldn't be leaving. If there isn't - then tell me so I can forget about you."
"Things aren't that simple, Quatre." He picked up his duffel and began walking down the stairs. Quatre followed him, trying so hard not to let the pain and disappointment show.
^ I'll tell you one thing
If you would leave it'd be a crying shame
In every breath and every word, I hear your name,
calling me out
Out from the barrio, you hear my rhythm on the radio
You feel the turning of the world, so soft and slow
Turning you round and round... ^
At the bottom of the stairs, Trowa turned and looked down at the blond boy. "I wouldn't come when you asked me to if I didn't feel anything, Quatre. But more than this... well that's a very different thing."
Trowa's voice had become even softer that usual. "I know that I think of you often. Almost like I can feel something of you, coming through space, when I'm there. But I also know that I'm calm where I am. It's a slow, comfortable life. I know it well. That's important to me. Maybe I don't want to give that up."
/Well, at least you're being honest... but it still isn't certain at all... nothing I can really pin down as an answer to my question... I guess I'll just have to wait for you to turn your face in my direction again.../
"Let me go with you to the spaceport at least," Quatre said softly as they walked out the front door of the estate house.
"If you like," Trowa responded. "That would be nice." He gave his bag to Tahar, who had it stored in Quatre's small plane. "Thank you for asking me to stay."
"My pleasure," Quatre murmured.
Later, as Quatre stood watching Trowa's shuttle head into the night sky, he found himself wondering why he put up with this. It had been six months after the war when Trowa had finally contacted him, and since then, their time had been like this. Only that time he could spare away from Catherine was Quatre's.
/Damn you, Trowa Barton! It's just not good enough! I want something real, something I can depend on. Dear God - you're everything I've ever wanted. Can't you want me, too? Want me... or just tell me goodbye./
**Winner Oasis 01 - Present Day**
^ And if you say this life ain't good enough
I would give my world to lift you up
I could change my life to better suit your mood
'Cause your so smooth... ^
Heero sat on the floor, still staring, still in shock. Once in awhile he moved, to look around the room, and the last time he'd done it his gaze had fallen on a picture of Quatre and Trowa that stood on a small table near him. He picked it up and stared at it. "So you and Trowa are together?"
Quatre smiled. "Um, not really. He visits sometimes, from L3. He lives there with Catherine."
Heero continued to hold the picture in his lap. "I have a picture," he breathed softly. In an eerie slow motion movement, he reached into his jeans pocket and took out a small red case. It opened to two small frames. On one side was a photograph of Heero and Duo. Heero half scowling, half smiling at the camera, Duo in back of him with his arms around Heero's neck. He wore a wide grin and his braid was spilling over his shoulder onto Heero's thigh. In the other frame was a small pin - a letter "G" with wings on either side of it.
The photograph had done something to Heero. He stared at it, as though Quatre and his surroundings had been completely forgotten. "Duo." The voice was barely audible, trembling fingers brushing the face of the boy in the photo. "Duo... angel..." As he stared at the picture of his former lover, Heero began to cry. His face didn't change from its blank expression at all. Only tears came - spilling out of his eyes and falling in heavy drops onto the image of the two boys he held. "Duo, Duo, Duo... "
Quatre's own eyes were shimmering with tears for his friend. /He seems so lost. Like he's been unconscious for a long time and has just woken up. How am I going to do this... how can I get through to him?/
"Heero -" he whispered, and put a warm hand on the Japanese boy's shoulder.
Heero turned to him suddenly, dark blue eyes reflecting pain, loss, and over everything, a profound bewilderment. "I don't understand this, Quatre. Why should it hurt so much that he left? I had left him for Relena. Being apart from him then didn't feel anything like this..."
Heero's gaze drifted back to the small red case in his hands. "I hadn't realized... didn't know... how much I counted on him being there, even when I was gone... Just thought he'd always be there, waiting for me..."
Quatre thought back to his last words with Trowa, two weeks earlier. Of his comment about life being safe and not wanting to give that up.
"Heero, why did you leave Duo for Relena?"
Silence, a shake of the dark head, and then a whispered reply. "Don't know now... stupid idea, really, since I don't love her..."
"Maybe... maybe being with her was safer than being with Duo."
Heero turned a confused, tear-streaked face to the blond boy. "Safe? Why would being with her be safer than being with Duo?"
Quatre looked down at his hands, twisting in his lap. "Because you didn't love her... not in the same way that you love Duo. You knew how to act around her -like a bodyguard, maybe, or a friend. But with Duo, you needed to be something more - give something of yourself that didn't come into your relationship with Relena. Maybe that was uncomfortable for you - to have to open up that much. Somehow I'd guess that Duo would want to have *all* of you, body and soul. Am I right?"
Heero stared at Quatre for a moment, then nodded. "How did you know?"
"That's the kind of person Duo is - he wants to be as close as possible to people that are important to him. And I think... I think you were the most important person in his life."
/And I know exactly how he felt when nothing came back... when he knocked and knocked and the door never opened... I know how very, very sad he felt.../
Heero's eyes welled up again, his expression still fixed in a faint scowl. "I need to get him back, Quatre!" he whispered urgently. "I have to get him back!"
Quatre took Heero's hand in his own. The dark-haired boy's skin was cold - so cold it felt that it might never warm up. But Quatre held on as the tears began falling down Heero's stern face again.
"We'll see what we can do, Heero. We'll see what we can do."
He had gotten Heero to take some sleeping medicine and now Quatre was alone with his own thoughts. He picked up the photo of Trowa that Heero had noticed earlier. He ran his fingertips over the familiar face and then held them to his lips.
/That kiss... touching him that way... and still, nothing from him. He doesn't pull away, but he rarely comes close, either. And he's so quick to leave. But the way his fingers felt on me... How can he do things like that, make me feel so good and then turn around and leave!/
He was still holding the photo as he walked to bed, lost in thought.
/Trowa! We have to settle this! *Will* settle this. I have to know if the two of us will work. I need to hear it from you - need to stop guessing at everything... God I need you back!/
"Heero," he said to his empty room and the starry desert outside the window, "maybe while I'm helping you, I can help myself, too... help myself resolve this thing, once and for all."
^ And just like the ocean under the moon
That's the same as the emotion that I get from you
You've got the kind of loving that can be so smooth
Give me you're heart, make it real
Or else forget about it... ^
Owari
(:./kumiko/2road1)
