"Is it true that Noin ditched Zechs and is staying with Sally?" said Howard to fellow Preventer Wufei.
"Yes, and it pisses me off to no end," said Wufei. "It's hard to get cuddle time when they're both commiserating and eating ice cream."
Howard got a mad glint in his eyes and said, "Excellent. Don't worry, Wufei, I'll make sure that Noin spends as little time at Sally's place as possible."
"What the hell do you mean?" frowned Wufei. Then he narrowed his eyes. "You don't mean... "
Howard lifted his sunglasses and said, "Yes, I'm throwing my hat into the ring. I plan to rock her world."
Wufei's hair would've stood on end except his hair band was industrial strength. He started to froth at the mouth when Howard started to strut.
Noin found a magnificent bouquet of flowers on her desk. Perhaps Zechs has apologized, she thought. She read the card that said,
"Unlike these flowers, your beauty will not fade - Your Secret Admirer."
"Oh, how sweet, but who could it be?" Noin said.
"Flowers?" said Sally.
"Yes, from a secret admirer!"
"Hmmm... " said Sally.
Wufei wondered whether he should say something, then a big smile went across his face. Yes, let Noin find out who exactly who her secret admirer was. It would be... justice.
Suddenly, they heard the faint sound that sounded vaguely like potato-potato-potato. "Ah, that must be Howard coming in on his Harley," said Sally.
"Can't he get that thing fixed so it won't make that obnoxious sound any more?" snapped Wufei. "My motorcycle doesn't make loud noises like that!"
"It's part of its image," said Duo. "Frankly, I think Howie's suffering from a mid-life crisis. I prefer he rides around on a Harley then do anything else that's crazy."
Wufei snorted. If only he knew...
Howard walked in, wearing his trademark tropical shirt, this one yellow with a glaring red pattern. "Hi, guys. Oh, I see some lovely flowers on your desk, Noin."
"Aren't they, though?"
"I wish I had a secret admirer," said Sally.
"Hey!" said Wufei.
Howard did a strut until Duo said, "Howard, you're walking funny, quit it!"
At lunch, Wufei sat with Howard and said, "So, old man, what exactly are you doing?"
"I don't have Zechs' good looks or charisma, but what I do have is my incredible technical prowess and my decades of accumulated wisdom. I plan to use what skills I have to impress and woo her before I reveal who I am."
"So, basically you're perpetrating fraud."
"No, I'm just giving myself more than a snowball's chance in hell, that's all."
"What do you have in mind, Kisama?"
"You'll just have to wait."
On Noin's desk was a little music box that looked as if it was made out of mother-of-pearl. She opened it to hear the strains to theme to "The Vision of Escaflowne." She gasped, "Oh, that's so sweet. I love that song." She turned to Howard, who was sitting nearby at his desk. "Howard, do you know who put it there?"
"Can't really say, offhand," he said.
"It's really cute." She picked up the card and read, "The person who is most like an angel is you -Your Secret Admirer. Oh, God, I wish I knew who this was."
"Another present from you Secret Admirer," said Sally.
"Yeah."
"Hmm, Wufei."
"Yes?" he grumped.
"It's not you, is it?"
"Onna!"
Sally laughed. "Just kidding."
On her desk for the next week, there was a small present on her desk everyday. One day there was Belgium chocolates and another day, there was a nine-inch tall model of Heavyarms which had clips of various shades of lipstick instead of ammo and was able to sharpen mascara pencils. Noin was both amused at the ingenuity of the model, but not a little scared at what kind of man would think to make such a thing. "I'm dying of curiousity," said Noin to Sally as she looked at the stuffed bunny rabbit that was not just cute but could tell you when interesting astronomical occurrences like meteor showers were about to occur and where.
"Hmm, this person must be a Preventer or support staff with a certain level of clearance," said Sally. "So that helps to narrow it down. He must also have a great deal of mechanical ingenuity and a weird sense of humor."
"Could it be one of my former students? But why not just tell me?"
"Maybe they feel shy about their appearance. Or maybe they're afraid of Zechs."
Noin looked at the card "The card says to meet him by the lake at noon time and that I would be sure to recognize him and that if I felt any unease I could take someone with me like Wufei. Wufei? Why him?"
"Perhaps he was trying to reassure you that his intentions were honorable by suggesting a bodyguard."
Noin sniffed. "I can take care of myself!"
"Ahem," said a male voice.
The two women turned around to see Zechs standing there, looking a bit pathetic. "Hi, Noin."
"Zechs!" said Noin. Then realizing she sounded too eager, she coughed into her hand then said, "Why are you here? I have a lunch appointment so you better make it quick."
"I'm sorry about leaving the hair in the bathtub, hogging the bathroom, leaving the toilet seat up, and accepting Relena's invitation to Christmas dinner without consulting you. Now will you come home?"
Noin thought for a moment then said, "You waited a week and a half before you apologized, then you come empty-handed." She looked at her nails coolly while secretly enjoying making Zechs fume. "You are here simply because you just ran out of clean dishes."
"Lucrecia!" gasped Zechs. "I made a reservation at your favorite restaurant for tonight!"
Wufei and Sally glanced at each other and laughed in their hands over Zechs' situation. Duo and Heero shared a big smile.
"You made me wait a week and a half. I will only make you wait an hour before I give you my answer." With that, she swept past him.
Noin waited at the boathouse where she was told to be. Tapping her foot nervously, she looked this way and that when she heard the sound of potato-potato-potato, a most familiar noise of a certain Harley. She looked up to see her fellow Preventer.
Howard stepped off and walked up to Noin. "Hi, Noin, I see you got here on time."
"You are... No... "
Howard coughed, then said, "Yes, I am your secret admirer."
Kathunk!
Noin was out cold on the ground. "Hmm," said Howard. "She took that rather well; I don't have a black eye." He waited patiently for her to wake up then thought, Oh, crap, I hope she's not dead. He bent down and put his ear next to her mouth. OK, she's breathing, that's good, that's very good.
Suddenly, Howard felt himself being grabbed by the shoulders by a very irate Zechs. "What have you done with her, you horny old fart!" he screamed as he shook Howard so hard that his head went back and forth like one would shake a rattle.
Noin woke up and saw this act of violence being perpetrated. She stood up and said, "Zechs, how can you lay your hands on someone who's three times older than you!"
"THREE! It's TWO AND ONE-HALF!" yelled Howard.
Zechs let Howard go and said, "But, Noin... "
Noin put her hands on Howard's shoulders. "Are you all right?"
Howard's nose starts to bleed profusely. That perfume I got her, he thought, it smells so nice on her.
"Oh, no! Look at what you've done, Zechs! He may have suffered permanent brain damage."
"WHAT!"
Howard thinks, I must milk this for all I am worth! "I feel great pain, awful pain!" He staggered about and moaned. "He was so brutal! I see pulsating lights... "
"There, there. Let me take you back to your apartment and get you some aspirin and some compresses."
"He could've given me a stroke, shaking me like that."
"Yes, yes."
"Noin, you can't be falling for this bunch of... NOIN!"
"Wufei," said Sally.
"Yes... "
"Do you know who Noin's secret admirer is?"
"I'm sure Noin will run and blab it to you the minute she gets back," pouted Wufei.
"But I want to know now! I'll tickle you."
"No!"
"Yes! Koochi-koochi," said Sally as she tickled him just below the pigtail.
"AHHHHHHH!" screamed Wufei. "Ok, Ok, it's... Ha... hahahahahah!"
"Come on Wufei!"
"It's... ahahahahah... Howard."
"You are lying to me."
Wufei shook his head. "Nope, it's Howard. Hehehehe."
>_< went Sally.
While Noin was happily drinking a glass of white wine in her apartment, soaking in a bubble bath; Howard was doing a dance of triumph in his apartment dressed in boxers and a T-shirt, shaking his bony ass to some techno. He hadn't gotten any cuddle time but she had ordered him some chicken soup via a delivery service and told him to take a nap until they came. It was her treat, too, her way of apologizing for her husband's actions. Soon to be ex-husband, thought Howard as he grooved. Zechs, on the other hand, was eating alone at the restaurant, looking sourly at his tiramisu.
Zechs drank a glass of red wine and thought, I must stop this before it goes any further. But I must not underestimate my opponent, he only pretends to be senile and frail when it suits him. Come on, think Zechs, you did not survive two wars in a row only to be tossed aside by that man! Hmmm, in a usual situation, I would duel with my opponent. Unfortunately, I don't think Howard can fence. Still, his interference is intolerable. Zech's face began to twitch. Noin, you couldn't have chosen a worse person as my rival, so... damn odd. At least I could've understood if you had a hankering for one of the former pilots or hell, even Une or Sally. Mmm... His eyes glazed over at the hentai thought for a few seconds before it went back to its original track. Then he finally broke down and said while sobbing, "OH, MY GOD, WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE HOWARD! NOOOOOOOOO!"
People around him in the restaurant carefully looked away.
The manager said, "Another outburst like that and I will insist that you leave this restaurant."
Howard was sitting at his desk when Zechs walked into the room. Zechs stomped up to him and said, "Howard, I'm challenging you to a duel."
Howard lowered his glasses and said, "You know that according to the etiquette, I get to choose the weapons."
"Yes."
"Great, how about we both design mobile suits and see who can blast each other to oblivion?"
"NO MOBILE SUITS!" snapped Une, who had caught the tail end of the conversation. "Not unless you want me to go ballistic!"
"OK, scratch the mobile suit idea," said Howard. "I'm not going to do anything involving straightforward man to man fighting. I'm not stupid, you know. You'd turn me into human jelly. However, how about we each make an ultra-light glider and see which one of us can fly higher. How about the Saturday after the upcoming one?"
"I'm in better shape than you," said Zechs. "I'm sure to win that contest."
"Yeah, but my glider will be better equipped for going higher. If you're stuck at a certain height while I glide higher than you, well, you're screwed. If I win, I can see Noin as much as I want without your interference. If I lose, I promise to withdraw." Howard, however, crossed his fingers so he wouldn't have to keep his word.
"Agreed," said Zechs, also crossing his fingers behind his back.
Noin said, "Howard, you could get seriously hurt!"
"Noin! I could get seriously hurt, too!" pouted Zechs.
Noin ignored him.
Howard smiled at Noin. "I may be old enough to be your... "
"Grandfather?" said Noin.
"FATHER! I may not be shiny and new, but I still possess a ‘Y' chromosome. I'll be fine. I used to be a pilot, too, before I became a designer." He stood up and thrust out his chest.
Duo spontaneously yelled, "Howard, you the man!"
Everyone stared at him.
"Well, it's true!"
As Zechs worked on designing his ultra-light glider, he heard a knock on the door. He opened the door, expecting it to be Noin but instead saw Sally. "Sally, what are you doing here?" he said, surprise splashed all over his face.
"Can I come in," she said.
"Sure, does Wufei know you're here?"
"Oh, sure. He tried to discourage me, saying I shouldn't interfere in other people's problems but I really wanted to give you some advice."
"I can design my glider just fine."
"It's not about the glider." She rolled her eyes. "Think, Zechs."
"It's about Noin, isn't it?"
"Of course."
Zechs pulled her up a chair. "Sit down, let's talk."
"I've got good news and bad news. Which do you want first?"
"The good."
"Good news is that Noin hasn't run off with Howard yet."
"That's the good news? What's the bad news?"
"That your relationship with Noin is so bad that Howard has got you running scared."
"If you're here just to make fun of me... "
"No, hear me out! Even if you win this contest, all you'll get is Howard to go away," said Sally. For a while, anyway, she thought. "The point is that there is nothing to keep Noin from turning to someone else other than... "
"Other than... "
"A change in your relationship."
"What kind of changes? I promise to put the lid down from now on and clean up after my hair and... "
Sally put her hands to her head in a gesture of total disbelief. Ach, what does it take to get through to him. "This is about more than shedding like a cat and terrible bathroom manners! This is about taking her for granted! The reason she went to meet her secret admirer was because he had been sending her a little gift everyday for the last week. Howard saw an opening and totally went out! These were gifts that took some effort to get and some thought."
"I don't take her for granted. You're just taking her side."
"Oh, please! The reason she was so mad that you told her that you two were going to Relena's house for winter vacation was because her parents in Italy had sent her an invite earlier. She was about to tell you when you made your announcement that you were going to the capital for winter vacation. You didn't even ask her before accepting your sister's invitation. It's been three years since she's been to Italy."
"I guess I was a bit hasty... " admitted Zechs.
"That's not the first time you've done this, you know. Noin tolerated a lot during the wars because she knew that you had other things on your mind. She even forgave you for not contacting her for nearly a year so you could go ‘find' yourself. However, you went to the trouble of getting married to her. I imagine the vows went something like ‘to love, honor and cherish.' That means that you should put her needs and priorities ahead sometimes and treat with her some respect."
"Sally?"
"Yes?"
"How did a woman like you ever get married to Wufei?"
Sally facevaulted.
Zechs set up his ultra-light on the hill. Heh, heh, he thought, there's a few nifty surprises on this baby, he thought. His confidence shrank when he saw the ultra-light that Howard was driving up with.
Instead of the usual hang glider wing, it was a thin sheet of gundamanium crafted into one huge black wing over a cockpit. Behind the small cockpit, there was something that looked like a miniature jet engine. Howard was wearing a blue spandex bodysuit that clung to his body. Luckily, he was wearing black shorts. He was wearing black goggles instead of his trademark sunglasses. On his glider wing was the words "Rose of Italy." Howard crowed, "It's amazing what one can make out of leftover mobile suit parts."
"I hate you, Howard," said Zechs.
Howard stuck out his tongue and wiggled his fingers at him while thumbing his nose.
Une went up to the two men and said, "I'm going to judge the contest. First some rules, this is NOT a death match! Whoever kills the other party will die by my hand if there is a fatality, is that UNDERSTOOD!"
"Perfectly," chorused the two, knowing any death Une could come up with would be... quite bad.
"You will both be wearing these helmets so you two can talk to each other and ground control. Whoever goes the highest will win. I want you two to use whatever commonsense you have to pilot these things."
Noin, Sally and the rest of the Preventers were watching this. "Of all the stupid, macho, idiotic things to do... " said Noin.
"It's actually kinda cool in a retro sense... " said Sally. "Hey, let's listen to ground control." They both walked to where Une was listening to the radio transmissions.
As the two machines lifted into the air, Zechs said to Howard, "Even if you win this, you're not going to get Noin."
"Why, is it the hair?"
"This coming from a man who's lost most of his."
"Oh, good one, blondie! All that hair is seated over an empty space full of cobwebs!"
"You're just a horny old goat who probably has a bottle of Viagra at home."
"Well, I bet when you're in bed with Noin, it's lightning fast, you dog pig!"
"What?!" A little roar of displeasure was heard over the airwaves.
"OINK! OINK! ARF! ARF! That's what you are!"
"I swear I'm going to kick your ass!"
"Ah, violence, the first recourse of a lesser intelligence!"
"OH, MY GOD!" yelled Noin. "They are acting so childish!"
The two machines climbed into the sky. "Zechs, you're not so different from me."
"And how is that?"
"The other scientists and I gave up on a lot of things when we were younger because we were obsessed with other things like creating the best mobile suit we could, ending the oppression of the colonies, and revenging the original Heero Yuy's death. I could have chosen to have a happy family life, but I did what I did instead. I have no regrets about my actions, but look at me. I'm a lonely old fart who tinkers with engines, eats fruit cocktail out of a can, and nods off when watching TV! Zechs, I am your future!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Zechs screamed before blacking out at the idea of someday looking like Howard. His glider, of course, started to descend in an unorganized fashion.
"Zechs!" yelled Noin.
Une picked up the mike and said, "Howard, do something!"
"Do I have to?" he whined.
Une growled into the mike.
"OK! OK! Sheesh." Howard typed a few lines of code into his computer and sent it over to Zechs' onboard computer. Zechs' glider began a much more gradual descent to the ground.
"Zechs! Zechs!"
Zechs woke up then started to cry. "Oh, my God, I lost to Howard. I'm so pitiful, Noin. I can't do anything right. You were always better than me. I'm so sorry I neglected you and don't listen when I should. I'll call Relena and tell her we have to back out. I'll... "
"Oh, you're so pitiful, I must take care of you!" Noin said.
Sally and the rest of the Preventers turned green. "I think I've just seen a side of this marriage that's just a little too nauseating," she commented.
Howard meantime stepped out of his glider and strutted. Duo went up to him and said, "Dude, you lost the girl!"
"But I beat Zechs Marquise, ace pilot... Besides, what else can I do?" Howard sighed. Then he smiled and said, "How's Sally and Wufei's marriage?"
"Solid as a rock."
"Damn!"
The End
Omake for Howard X Noin lovers only
Zechs walked into the office, wearing a tropical shirt, his blonde hair loose in a ponytail and wearing shades. "Hi, Noin. Guess who?"
She looked closely at him and saw a familiar glint in his eyes. "You're not Zechs, are you?"
"Then who am I?"
"Howard?" she gasped.
"Yup, me and Zechs exchanged bodies."
"I can't imagine he agreed to it."
"Well, yeah, it was non-voluntary on his part. He's now in a little sanitarium until he says he's me and not Zechs Marquise."
"Did you sell your soul to do this?" gasped Noin.
Howard aka pseudo-Zechs said, "No, actually two demons did it for free on two conditions."
"What conditions?"
"One was that I treat you with the utmost care, love and worship you until the end of your days."
"Two?"
"Two was that I give you this message: Alex and Mueller send you all their love."
Noin gasped.
End omake
(:./mk/mac2)
