Best Friend by Psyche

Part Three

I spent most of today with Heero. We chatted a bit, watched a film, went for a walk--just generally took it easy and forgot about our troubles for a while.

I never told him about my conversation with Hilde. For whatever reason, I just couldn't-- I couldn't admit that we're having problems to him. I'm not even sure if we are having problems--the girl has been wound pretty tight recently--she could just have needed an outlet. And if you can't let go with your spouse, who can you let go with?

This evening, when I got home, I found my head a lot clearer than it was yesterday. That's what a day of simplicity will do for you. That's exactly what you need when just being in the world starts to make you feel as if you're being hit repeatedly on the head with a hammer.

Simplicity.

And I got the impression Heero needed it too.

When I first arrived at his house, he was so... He was almost nervous--as if afraid of saying or doing something wrong. I couldn't believe it, really. He should know better than to worry about that sort of thing with me.

I only want him to be himself. He should know that.

So things were pretty awkward at first. I was fidgety and distracted, and Heero, as I said, was practically walking on eggshells. He seemed to think I'd be wanting to leave him soon--Hell, he seemed surprised I'd even come in the first place. It was totally inexplicable to me and, needless to say, did not exactly serve to improve the state of my mind.

And then my cross fell of.

Heero was in the middle of describing a meal he ate last week, and I was shifting about uncomfortably on the sofa, when suddenly he just stopped, and knelt down on the floor in front of me.

There was this really weird moment where Heero was looking up at me anxiously, and I was just staring at him stupidly, without the faintest idea what was going on, and then I noticed his hand reaching for something shiny. He picked it up and carefully examined it, before holding it out for me to see.

"The chain is broken. I'll purchase a replacement for you. You won't mind my having it until then, will you?"

I couldn't speak. The whole thing had taken little more than a minute, but it had left me stuck completely dumb.

So stupid, and I really don't know how it happened.

Eventually, I managed to stutter out some kind of an assent. Or at least, I assume I did, because Heero nodded confidently and returned to his seat, my cross in his hand.

He smiled warmly at me.

And then, somehow, everything was okay.

I'll sleep well tonight, and in the morning, I'll work out how to help Hilde.

I've decided to go ahead with the party idea I wrote about on the twenty-second. My spirits no longer really need raising, but Hilde's do, and I'm pretty certain some chatting and dancing and laughing with her friends is just the thing she's missing. At the very least, it can't do any harm.

The party is to be a surprise; if Hilde doesn't know about it, she can't feel obligated to help out, which could have resulted in her becoming even more stressed. I spent most of yesterday and a good few hours after work today talking to people and organizing things, trying to set as early a date as possible. The sooner Hilde goes back to her normal self, the better.

Of course, no-one apart from myself knows that that's what the party is for--everyone else thinks were celebrating a recent upturn in profits at the salvage yard. Hopefully, when Hilde finds out, she'll be fooled as well.

Heero refuses to get involved. Stubborn bastard. Doesn't even plan on attending. Not for long enough to matter. Didn't even want me to hold the damn thing. Even tried to talk me out of it. Says 'parties are a waste of energy and resources.'

But I'll soon persuade him otherwise. I know I can.

And I especially want for him to be there.

I've secretly invited Natalie Fox--that writer friend of his who dropped in on us the day he gave me the MS for 'Killing the Dream'--in the hope of getting the two of them together. And, as a failsafe, I'm also going to give Alice from work (who writes a little herself, coincidentally enough) a bit of a push in his direction.

I really don't want Heero to be alone any more. He deserves better.

He deserves more than he'll probably ever get... but at least I can help him find something.

The party is to be tomorrow. I've been spending all of my free time arranging it, so as to make sure that the whole thing goes off without a hitch. The only potential problem is Heero.

He will be attending, and he will be staying to the end, that much at least is assured. It took a while, but I did manage to extract a promise from him not to leave early. What I could not get him to promise, was that he'd dance, or make any effort whatsoever to be agreeable. You'd almost think the guy didn't want to have fun.

I tried every trick I know, but Heero was adamant. He will make no commitment to do anything beyond showing up.

I don't understand it. All I want is for Heero to enjoy himself a little, but he steadfastly denies my every attempt to help him to do so. I know he doesn't find standing in a corner and glaring at innocent civilians fun, so why can't he make a little more of an effort to get to know people--find some new friends? It's not as if I'll abandon him as soon as he starts to socialise a little more--I wouldn't give him up even if he wanted me to! So what the hell is his problem? Not even I can be there all the time for him--he needs more people in his life! He could discover a lot in common with someone if he'd just take the time to talk to them a little, but instead he just keeps to himself, as if he weren't dying inside from loneliness!

I realise that Heero Yuy is not exactly the most extravert of characters, but that doesn't mean he is completely incapable of participating in pleasant conversation. He's intelligent, observant, understanding... he's even managed to develop a sense of humour, although I have to admit it did take rather a long time to emerge. He might find interacting with relative strangers hard at first, but it'd be worth it in the end.

Heh. What an outburst. I guess I'm just a little pissed. I spoke to Natalie Fox on the 'phone again tonight, and it turns out she's been acquainted with Heero for three years, and would very much like to get to know him better, but in all that time, they've never moved far beyond small talk. Needless to say, she's starting to feel a tad rejected. I tried to explain to her that he has low self esteem, and probably thinks she's not interested in hearing what he has to say, but it was hard. When you take into account the number of opportunities he's had to become proper friends with her, and all the little efforts she must have been making, my argument does seem rather weak, even to me.

I really should talk to him about it. The thing is, every time I've brought something like that up before, he's become so confused and... apprehensive, I guess, although probably no-one but me would notice it. And sometimes, I've even thought I may have detected... I've almost seen a little hurt in his expression. Almost a feeling of betrayal... or something. I usually understand him so well, but...

Anyway, because of his reaction, I haven't really discussed that kind of thing with Heero recently. It really is painful to see him like that.

So I guess all I can do is keep throwing girls at him, in the (most probably vain) hope that he'll take to one of them.

Party's about to begin. Just making a quick entry--won't be able to later. Hilde's been kind of withdrawn or something last few days. Not really sad but--just not right. Hope this brings her out of it.

Still frustrated over Heero. Don't know how I'm going to get him to relax. Don't know how to make him happy.

Happier. Should be happier.

He's ok--already happy--has me--just needs more.

Gotta get going.

tbc

(:./psyche/best3)