25-Jun-2000
Title: Golden Girl
Author: Lady Murasaki
Notes:Whoohoo, she wrote another one! That makes 2 fics in three days, yay!
C&C would be greatly appreciated!
Disclaimer: Not mine, no $ made here, blah blah blah...
Warnings: shounen ai hints, some angst -I think-
Another look in the mirror, one last tug on the skirt and I'm ready to go and face this reporter. Once again, I have to look nothing but perfect. It's the image I have to project as the Queen of the world. I'm a bit nervous as I open the door to my waiting room and ask the woman sitting there to come in. Oh, I'm well adapted to acting at public gatherings and making televised speeches. I'm used to the eyes of millions staring at me. I've been in the spotlight from a young age. It's these private, face-to-face, interviews that somehow unnerve me. I force myself to calm down, paste a friendly smile on my face and face the music.
The interview goes through without a hitch. The questions are the same ones I've answered dozens of times before. I've managed to relax completely a few minutes into the conversation and, therefore, am taken by surprise when the reporter asks the last question.
"Is there anything at all in life that you want but can't get?"
I am utterly unprepared for this. I am silent for a moment, then manage to mumble something inconsequential. The woman writes down my answers so diligently that one might think she's writing down the Scripture. Then the interview is over and she leaves. I have tons of work to occupy my mind, but later at night, when I am finishing up some of the paperwork in my office, the question comes back to haunt me.
I move to stand by the window that overlooks the busy street below. As I stare at my reflection in the glass, I ponder the question.
Seemingly simple, it brings up all the things I've tried to ignore over the years. "Golden Girl" is what the people in the media call me. I suppose they are right, in a way. I've lucked out in many things and rose almost from the ashes to become a queen. A perfect woman who doesn't make mistakes. The one who managed to make her childish dream of absolute pacifism a reality. But what if I built a façade that I project to the world and don't have the courage to break down?
No, I don't lie when I talk about my ideals, hopes, and dreams. And I don't fake my beliefs. But sometimes all I want is to be a normal woman who is allowed errors, who doesn't have to be perfect. I was pushed into the world of power, politics, and intrigue early on. The daughter of a highly regarded diplomat, everyone assumed that that would be what I wanted to do. Becoming a person of rank and power was a given. No one ever stopped even once to consider asking _me_ what _I_ wanted. Who knows, maybe I would have opted to become a schoolteacher or a musician. No, a choice wasn't given to me and I went on to become what I am today. Please don't misunderstand - I am glad I was able to help people. I would gladly do so again. But sometimes it is almost too much for me to keep up the charade of perfection. There are times when I want to scream and throw things, and have a temper tantrum. There are times when I want to jump up in the middle of a diplomatic meeting and call all of them liars and hypocrites, and run out. But I don't. I must contain myself, plaster on a fake smile and carry on polite conversations that lead nowhere. I feel like such a counterfeit at times. I want to break down in front of a press conference and show them the real me, but I can't. Did I mention that I am a coward, as well? I can't screw up enough courage to reveal my true self to the public. I chuckle ruefully as I realize the irony of it all. I wasn't afraid to fly into the middle of a mobile suit battle chasing Heero, but I am unable to do something far less life threatening.
Heero. Yes, I acted like a brainless bratty ditz when I went chasing him all over the world, risking his life and mine. I realized very quickly how foolishly I was behaving, but I didn't stop doing it.
Why? Maybe because I _was_ a spoiled brat. More so, however, because I wanted so much to have a genuine friend. I was so lonely. Oh sure, I had flocks of fans following me wherever I went. A host of brown nosers, the lot of them. Then one day Heero showed up out of the blue, literally. There was something about him that made him different from all the other people I knew at the time. Perhaps it was the charming habit of threatening to kill me at our every encounter. Who knows? Maybe I could sense the similar loneliness in him that I felt and thought we would make a good pair. I admired his dedication, his courage. He treated me like an ordinary girl, and made me feel like one. I left him alone once I saw the chemistry between him and Maxwell. I refused to see the truth for a while but I guess I matured over time. They are happy together and I'm glad for them.
I take one last look at the young woman staring back at me from the reflection in the glass and turn away. What I really want is to be myself - always, not just for a moment in the isolation of my office. I shake my head as I imagine telling al this to the reporter from this afternoon. The look on her face would have been priceless. I allow myself to fantasize for a minute what it would be like had things turned out differently for me. Then the phone on my desk rings, shattering the moment. My secretary informs me there's a call on the vid for me from the minister of finance. I thank her and tell to put him through. As the screen lights up, I slip my mask back on to greet the man, and brush an unruly strand of hair back into its proper place.
After all, I am the Golden Girl, aren't I?
~~*Owari*~~
So, what d'ya think? Once again, C&C please! ::puppy eyes::
(:./murasaki/golden)
