Title: Embracing The Darkness 2/?
Authors: tkmaxwell777 & Iniquity
Category: Shonen Ai/Yaoi
Pairings: 1+2/1x2x1(mentioned), 3x4
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: We hold no claim to the guys, just to this story :)
Warnings: Angst, Language, Lemon (flashback)
Archived: Yep! Thanks again Lev!
Duo lay on the couch staring up at the ceiling blindly. Seeing Quatre had really been hard. He'd tried to tell himself that the blonde would just leave things alone, but he knew better. Quatre would try to 'save' him, and Duo didn't want that; Duo just wanted to fade away. The pain was just too much to bear. Giving up seemed like the best course of action. It wasn't like anyone would miss him, right? Duo was pulled out of his thoughts when he heard a knock at the door. He managed to drag himself off of the couch and walk over to open it. When he did, he could only stand there in shock.
"Aren't you going to invite me in?" Trowa asked calmly.
Duo shook his head to clear it and put on a smile. "Sure, Tro! Wow, it's good to see you."
Trowa walked in, casually looking around to take in the state of dishevel of the apartment. Used paper plates and cups were everywhere, as well as empty pizza boxes, half-full containers of Chinese takeout, and bags of stale chips thrown carelessly around the room. There were pop and beer cans alike lying there too. Trowa's gaze then took in Duo himself. The other boy was pale as death. He had lost at least ten pounds, which was quite a bit considering he hadn't had much body fat on him to begin with. Trowa finally let his eyes rest on Duo's hair. It had been cut off to Duo's shoulders and was pulled back into a loose ponytail. Quatre had been right... Duo was in trouble.
"I guess this place looks like a Leo hit it," Duo said, his voice full of something that resembled shame, even though he tried to lighten the mood with the false humor. "I haven't picked up in a few days. Been busy doing things."
Trowa gave Duo a level look. "Duo, what happened between you and Heero? Don't tell me what you told Quatre either. You look like hell."
Duo flinched. He'd seen Trowa looking around, knew that the other boy wouldn't be as tentative as Quatre had been, but it still surprised him that Trowa would be so blunt. He felt anger rising within him.
"What business is it of yours?" he asked hotly.
Trowa sighed. So it was going to be like this, was it? "Duo, we care about you. I came here to find out what's going on so we can help you."
Duo's violet eyes blazed. "I don't need anyone's help, Trowa. I'm doing just fine."
"Oh? Starving yourself, smoking, and cutting off the braid that reminded you of those who loved you is doing fine? I don't think so, Duo. You know damn well that you are in self-destruct mode!" Trowa felt himself getting upset but willed his self to calm down; like he had told Quatre, getting upset wouldn't help.
"So what if I am? It's my life! If I don't want to live it anymore, who the hell are you to tell me I have to?" Duo was screaming by the time he finished speaking.
Trowa took a deep breath. "I'm someone who loves you, and I don't want to lose one of the best friends I've ever had."
Duo deflated. All of the anger left him at those words. He walked over to the couch and collapsed. Trowa followed and sat down beside him. Duo had been avoiding having this discussion with anyone; now he knew he had to face it.
"Heero left me," he said, his voice wavering slightly, tears barely kept in check.
Trowa placed a hand on Duo's shoulder. "What happened?"
"I don't know!" Duo exclaimed, hurt finally making its way into his voice after being confined for so long. "He just said he couldn't live with Death anymore. I thought we were happy. I thought that he loved me. I guess it was all just a fantasy. Who can love Death anyway?" Duo suddenly felt very tired.
"Duo, you are not Death, any more than I am," Trowa replied calmly. "You are, however, trying to prove Heero right by destroying yourself. Listen, I think that Heero is the one who isn't dealing with real life very well. Last time I saw you two together, you were doing fine, but Heero still seemed to be struggling with the act of living. I think he's projecting his own fears and inadequacies onto you so he doesn't have to deal with them. It's easier for him to deny that he has a problem."
"You mean he's the one who's living in the past?"
Trowa frowned. "What do mean, 'living in the past'?"
Duo sighed. "Heero always told me that I was trapped in my past, that I let the darkness of what happened to me keep me from living. I tried so hard to prove to him that it wasn't true, but he just didn't believe me. I guess that's why I cut my hair, to prove to myself that he was wrong, but now it's too late; he's gone."
Trowa took a deep breath. "Duo, for as long as I've known you, you have always tried to deal with your problems. You've never been one to ignore them or deny them. You've willingly admitted to being screwed up more times than once. That's healthy. Heero refuses to acknowledge the fact that he's just as messed up as the rest of us are." Trowa smiled slightly as he included himself and Quatre. Although he and Quatre were enjoying life, they still had problems just like everyone else, and he wanted Duo to know that so he didn't feel alone.
Duo smiled sadly. "I know what you're saying, but I just don't know how to live without him, Trowa. He was everything to me. There wasn't a moment that went by that I didn't feel like it was meant to be. Then he just up and left. I miss him so much. I just don't want to live if I have to do it with him not here."
"Duo, you can't give up. Heero will come to his senses. Do you really want him to see you like this when he does? You're trying to kill yourself! That's not the Duo I know. The Duo I know would say to hell with everyone else and live his life to the fullest."
"That Duo doesn't exist anymore," the chestnut haired boy replied softly. "He died the moment Heero walked out that door. I don't... I don't think I can bring him back either."
Trowa looked into violet eyes that called out for help. He didn't know what to do, so he just followed his emotions like Heero had once told him to do. He reached out for Duo and felt relief when the other boy buried his face against Trowa's chest and began sobbing.
"It's okay, Duo," Trowa said as he rubbed the other boy's back to soothe him. "It's okay. You don't have to do this alone. We're here for you. We're going to help you bring him back."
Trowa didn't know if the 'him' he meant was Heero or Duo himself, but it didn't really matter. Either way, they had to do something. He felt guilty for not seeing Duo more often; he could have. In fact, he and Quatre both could have had Duo and Heero over more. There was no excuse for being so busy that you didn't have time for your friends when they needed you. Trowa vowed to never let it happen again. As he held Duo and let him cry out all of the bitterness and pain, he prayed that Quatre was finding out the truth; only the truth could set them all free.
Quatre entered the tall building through the etched glass door. Once inside, he took in the ornate surroundings as he walked up to the concierge desk. The older man there gave Quatre a smile.
"Can I help you, sir?"
"Yes. I'm looking for an old friend of mine named Heero Yuy. I was told that he lives in 6C."
The man looked at his list and nodded. "Yes, he does. Is he expecting you?"
Quatre frowned, knowing that if he had to be announced, it was likely Heero wouldn't see him. "No, he isn't. I wanted to surprise him. We haven't seen each other in a long time, and he doesn't know I'm in town." It wasn't really a lie; Heero didn't know that Quatre was in THIS part of town.
"Certainly, sir. May I have your name for the log?"
"Of course. Quatre Raberba Winner."
The man's eyebrows shot up then he said eagerly, "Please, go on up, Mr. Winner."
Quatre smiled warmly. "Thank you."
Quatre made his way to the beautiful iron-wrought elevators; taking the stairs would only increase his heart rate, and that was going to happen soon enough. He soon found himself in front of 6C, which looked like it took up a fourth of the floor. He tentatively knocked at the door.
It didn't take long for the door to be opened, and Quatre just stared for a moment. Heero Yuy stood there wearing a pair of black dress pants, a cream turtleneck, and a pair of Italian leather shoes - Quatre should know, he had a pair just like them. Heero's hair was combed back out of his face, obviously styled using gel and hairspray. The look on his face was all too familiar though, and Quatre finally found his voice.
"Hello, Heero. May I come in?"
Heero nodded then opened the door wider to let Quatre enter. The apartment was really a one level townhouse. Quatre gawked at the furnishings, wondering when the former Wing pilot had become so elegant in his tastes. A black leather couch graced the living room along with a dark wood coffee table. There was a matching recliner and end tables as well. Quatre saw an intricate glass sculpture in one corner and a very expensive painting on the wall behind the couch, but for all of their beauty, Quatre felt cold.
"What can I do for you, Quatre?" Heero asked, his voice cutting through the blonde's thoughts.
Quatre turned to face him. Taking a deep breath, he decided to take the plunge. "I saw Duo yesterday."
Heero visibly flinched, but he quickly covered the uneasiness. "Really? How's he doing?"
Quatre tried to gauge Heero's feelings, but all he could feel was anger and confusion. "Why do you care?"
Heero's eyes widened a little. "Well, why wouldn't I?"
"You tell me. You were the one who left him." Quatre waited for some sign of emotion from the other boy but was disappointed when Heero turned to walk over to the couch. Heero sat down then motioned for Quatre to join him. Quatre did, wishing he could sense something to confirm Heero's feelings for Duo.
"Duo made me leave," Heero replied calmly.
"Heero, I know that's not true. Duo looks like he's been through hell. If he had made you leave, then he wouldn't be going through such a rough time. Tell me the truth, Heero. What happened?"
"I told you, Quatre. Duo made me leave. The darkness that surrounds him was too much for me to take. He's still trapped in his past."
"What do mean, 'trapped in his past'? I don't understand."
Heero took a deep breath. "Every night, he has nightmares. It's like living through the war all over again. I want to forget it all. I can't keep fighting, Quatre."
Quatre felt the anger rising in him. "So you just abandoned him to his nightmares because you weren't strong enough to go through them with him? Heero, that's not what you do to someone you love!"
"I don't love him."
"What?" Quatre asked incredulously. "You can't tell me that you don't love him, Heero."
"I don't love him, Quatre. I never did."
Quatre searched Heero's face, trying to find evidence to deny Heero's words, but only found a cold, emotionless mask there. "Come on, Heero, you know that's not true. You were the one who spent an hour outside in the cold just to walk a big heart into the snow for him last Valentine's Day."
"He seemed to want those kind of things from me," Heero explained, his voice flat. "I did it to appease him. It was never anything more to me than hot passionate sex, Quatre. I'm sorry, but it's true."
"So it wouldn't matter to you now that he's smoking, not eating properly, and basically has given up the will to live?"
Heero sighed. "I can't control how he reacts to this, Quatre. I'm sorry he's taking it so hard."
"You're sorry?" Quatre's voice was full of unbelief. The complete coldness he was reading from the other boy made him snap. Quatre hadn't been this livid since his father had died. He leveled a glare at Heero. "You leave him, you say you don't love him, never loved him, and all you can say is that 'you're sorry'? Well, then I have only one thing to say to you, Heero. Fuck you!" Those words coming from Quatre made Heero flinch, but Quatre continued, ignoring the look of shock on the dark haired boy's face, "That's what Duo would say to you if he wasn't hurting so badly that he's trying to kill himself right now!"
"Quatre..."
"No!" Quatre exclaimed as he stood and walked to the door. He then turned, his hand on the knob, his aquamarine eyes blazing. "You leave the one person who loves you more than the air he breathes because you want to leave the past behind. Well, let me tell you, Heero, you have no future without him. Look around! All of this means nothing without the one person who can share your life. Believe me, I know how worthless mere things are. You can sit there all day and tell me you don't love Duo, but I know that's bullshit! I've seen love shining in your eyes for him. You're lying to yourself if you believe otherwise. The only regret I have is that Duo believes it too, so much so, he let go of his past after you left."
Heero frowned. "What do you mean?"
Quatre opened the door and paused. "He cut off his braid. The only problem is that his braid wasn't just something to remind him of his past; it was something to remind him of the people in his past that loved him. You've not only taken your love away from him, you've taken the memory of everyone else's away, too. I only hope there's some way for the rest of us to help him find that love again. If we can't, then you will be responsible for Duo's death, just as sure as if you would have shot him in that detention cell during the first war. Allah, help you if that happens, Heero. Even I won't ever be able to forgive you if it does."
With that, Quatre walked out the door and slammed it, leaving Heero to his thoughts; they weren't pleasant.
She saw him wander into the cafe, same time as yesterday. His smile was the only thing that reminded her of the guy he used to be when he would stop in with his friend sometimes; it was the only thing left that of that person still living inside his exterior shell that spoke of some kind of debilitating illness... probably cancer, maybe leukemia. She liked the guy, but he looked like death now, and he was always alone. Her heart constricted at the thought of losing his smile that brightened her day every day when he came there.
He was giving her that smile now. "Hey, Lisa. How's it going?"
"Fine, Duo" she smiled back, trying to push away the sadness and make him a little happy for a while. "The same as usual?"
Duo sighed. "Yeah, but just one today. I'm trying to cut down. Too much caffeine makes you crazy." He winked at her as he said the last line, causing her to giggle in spite of herself.
"Well, then I must have gone over the deep end a long time ago, handsome, because I know I take in more caffeine than you do a day." She let herself wink back at him and saw a mischievous glint in his eyes for a moment. It made her feel good.
"Handsome, huh? Are you hitting on me, babe?"
She giggled again. "I would, but I don't think it would get me anywhere. Your preferences are kind of obvious by the gender you ogle while you're in here."
Duo grinned widely, pleasure and a little surprise evident on his face. "Oh, so you have been keeping an eye on me! Shame on you, Lisa; and here I thought you were my friend."
"I am, Duo," she said seriously, trying to let him know that she was there for him even if she didn't know him all that well. He'd been spending every day there for such a long time now that she couldn't help but feel attached to him in a way. She watched his eyes soften as he took the cup of coffee from her.
"Thanks, honey," he replied, and she couldn't tell whether he was saying it for the coffee or for the friendship. She didn't get a chance to find out. Another man in the cafe caught Duo's attention as he walked over to meet him. Lisa smiled to herself; maybe all wasn't lost after all.
Ah, the scent of coffee... what else caused him to come to the same cafe nearly every day? Duo smiled as he thought about the girl behind the counter. She had been the closest thing to a steady friend since Heero had left. He felt a little bad because he flirted with her all the time; he didn't want to lead her on, but he just couldn't help himself. He loved the way she giggled, and he needed to hear it.
They passed pleasantries as he ordered his usual, him teasing her, she giggling at his antics. Then the strangest thing happened... she told him that she knew he liked guys. 'Well, what'dya know?' he thought as he smiled brightly at her. 'She's being nice to me even though she knows I'm not interested.'
"Oh, so you have been keeping an eye on me! Shame on you, Lisa; and here I thought you were my friend." He saw the compassion in her eyes and almost felt like crying.
"I am, Duo," she said softly, her voice telling him that he wasn't alone even if she didn't understand what was happening to him. Such caring spoke volumes of the kind of person she was.
"Thanks, honey," he replied. He didn't know how to tell her how much her friendship, however brief in contact, meant to him. Before he could say anything else, he saw movement near the corner at the big glass-front; he met the eyes of a familiar Chinese man who was walking towards him.
"Hello, Maxwell. How are you?"
"Fine, and you?" Duo replied stiffly. He and Wufei hadn't been very close after the war. In fact, if anyone could consider Wufei a friend, it would be Heero; that thought made Duo incredibly jealous, not because Wufei was Heero's friend, but because Heero was his. Duo suddenly wanted to scream.
"Doing well, but you should've told me if you wanted to cut your hair like mine. I could've taken you to my coiffeur."
Duo forced himself to smile; eventually it worked. "Don't like it?"
Wufei frowned, but decided to ignore the question. "Quatre called."
Duo sighed heavily and led them over to one of the tables. He didn't want to talk to Wufei about anything to do with Heero, but it appeared that his wish wasn't going to be granted today; imagine that. They both sat down. Duo gave Wufei one of his most lopsided grins before he spoke. He didn't know that the black haired boy could see through it.
"So he did, did he? Looks like he called everybody. Who's going to show up next? Relena?" Duo snorted as he took a cigarette out of a new pack and held it between his lips. He had cut down a lot since Trowa's visit a couple days ago, but it would be a while before he could give the damned things up completely. Although he had been comforted by Trowa, and had even found some release for his pain, he still felt a sense of depression that he just couldn't seem to shake off.
"Duo..." Wufei began, but Duo cut him off.
"I already had a visit from Trowa, and I told him that I wasn't going to try to kill myself anymore. Wasn't that enough for blondie?" Duo searched his pockets for a lighter, looking back into Wufei's dark eyes once he'd found it, waiting for some reply.
"He called me because he's worried... worried about you and your obvious lack of control over your life. Even if you've decided not to end it, you haven't taken steps to reclaim it either." Wufei's gaze was steady, but there was deep emotion glittering in those onyx depths.
"Is it that obvious?" Duo looked sad, but serious, not trying to be sarcastic for once. He had spoken with Trowa and Quatre no less than ten times in the past week. Quatre had been on a business trip when Trowa had come to see him, and had just returned a few days ago, but the blonde boy had made up for not being there with Trowa to see him. Duo was glad that they cared, but he still felt empty inside. Without Heero...
Wufei nodded. "Yes, but it doesn't have to be that way."
Duo snorted. "Really? Well thanks, Fei, for telling me. I feel so much better now. I really appreciate you pointing that out to me." Sarcasm seemed to be easier than honesty. Duo felt his anger rising at the Chinese man's interference. Just what the hell did he know about it?
"You probably know that Heero showed up at my apartment when he left."
Wufei didn't say 'left you', but Duo could still hear the unspoken word. It twisted inside, and he decided to let it. "Congratulations," he laughed bitterly, "Was he a great fuck? Or were you? He likes it both ways, you know. Let me tell you though, be careful. Once he has enough of you and your body, he'll leave without even looking back." He inhaled deeply and exhaled a gray cloud of smoke, nervously flicking the end into the ashtray, his hands shaking from the hurt and anger coursing through him more than from the nicotine and caffeine this time.
Wufei growled, "Maxwell, get a grip! You know damn well he didn't want anything like that from me."
"Is that so?" Duo commented, but swallowed as he realized how angry and hurt Wufei sounded because of his accusation. 'What is wrong with me? Wufei is my friend too, and he would never do something like that even if he did want Heero. Why am I doing this? Oh God, please help me. I just don't want to hurt anymore!'
Wufei must have sensed Duo's inner struggle; he reached over and took the cigarette out of Duo's hand, put it out in the ashtray, then returned to take Duo's hand in his. Duo felt the mask he had been trying so hard to keep in place shatter at the infinitely gentle action.
"Heero came to me because he knew that I wouldn't ask questions. He knew I would protect his privacy. I only wish that I wasn't so predictable, or I would have found out then what Quatre confirmed when he went to see him."
Duo's eyes widened. "What? Quatre saw him? Why didn't he tell me?" So that had been Quatre's 'business trip'. Quatre hadn't even mentioned it to him. Did they distrust him so much?
Wufei must have sensed the panic in Duo's voice. "He didn't know how to tell you, and all I know about it is that Quatre was royally pissed when he got back. He feels that Heero is running away from himself. If I had talked with Heero more while he'd stayed with me, I could have figured it out then and maybe done something to help. I believed Heero when he told me that you made him leave. I never thought he could be lying to himself like that."
"He said I made him leave?" Duo asked incredulously.
Wufei nodded sadly. "I should have known better, Duo. I'm sorry."
Duo was shocked. Heero was saying that he made him leave? It didn't make any sense! Duo wanted to go and beat some sense into the former Wing pilot. How could Heero tell everyone something like that? It made him angrier than he'd been because Heero had left. It was one thing to walk out; it was entirely something else to lie about it, even if you believed the lie yourself. It made Duo realize that Trowa had been right; Heero was the one with the problem.
"It's okay, Fei," Duo replied, suddenly feeling more like himself than he had in a long time. "I'm sorry for saying what I did earlier. I should know you better than that, but I haven't exactly been thinking clearly."
Wufei squeezed the hand he still held. "I know, my friend. That's why I'm here. I know Quatre is a pain in the ass when he worries, and that you can't go to him because you'll feel guilty. I know Trowa's not much better when it comes to handling strong emotions, especially the kind you're having right now. What you need is someone who can see beyond your rage to what you need in spite of it. I'm that person. You can always bring your anger to me, Maxwell. I'm strong enough to take it. You don't have to fight it when you're with me. Let it go. No apologies, no shame, no judgment. I promise that on my honor."
Duo knew what that meant. It awed him to think that Wufei cared that much for him. "I want to, Fei, but I don't know how." He wanted it badly. If Wufei could only help...
Wufei smiled at the whispered confession. "Come over to my house tomorrow morning. I want to show you how I get rid of all of my frustration. It will calm you, clear your head, and energize your body, mind, and spirit."
Duo grinned back. He was suddenly curious. "Okay. I'll be there."
Wufei got up to leave, but Duo still held onto his hand. Wufei looked expectantly at him. "What?"
Duo quickly stood and embraced the Chinese man before Wufei knew what was happening. Wufei only hesitated for a moment before pulling Duo closer to him. They stood there like that for a few moments... one friend giving the other comfort and strength without even knowing how much it meant, the other taking it without even knowing what he was gaining. They finally pulled away, and Duo spoke softly.
"Thanks again, Wufei. I don't understand why Heero is doing this, but I'm not going to let it destroy me."
"Spoken like a true Maxwell," Wufei replied with a smirk that made Duo smile. He patted Duo's shoulder then turned to go, yelling over his shoulder at him, "See you in the morning around seven."
"Seven? Man, Fei. Are you trying to kill me?" Duo felt his spirit lighten as he teased the other boy.
Wufei turned, his smirk becoming a triumphant smile. "No. The exact opposite, Maxwell, and I mean it... seven." Wufei waited to see Duo nod his head in reply then he turned back around to walk out the door.
"See you then," Duo said loud enough for the black haired boy to hear him before he left, then added softy to his self, "my friend." With the first real smile he'd had in a while, Duo walked out of the cafe.
End Part 2
(:./tk/embracing2)
