Title: No Reason -- 3/3 -- Living Free Series -- Fic 3
Author: tkmaxwell777
Category: Shonen Ai/Yaoi
Pairings: 1+2 friendship
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Angst, Language, Sap
Archived: Yep! Thanks Lev :)
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or its characters. I don't own the songs 'My Sacrifice' or 'Hide' either. This is the third fic in a series inspired by the song 'My Sacrifice' by Creed, which will appear in part throughout the rest of the series. //lyrics// = the song actually playing in the background.
Duo rushed into the living room, heading for the deck. He'd been trying to avoid this all day. The dream had started it all that morning, making him want something that he didn't think he could have. He'd fought with himself ever since waking, trying to ignore those feelings. Then they'd broken free at the bank -- the will and the power of attorney giving them a voice -- reinforcing the reality of it all. Heero could talk about dreams all he wanted, but sooner or later, one or both of them would either leave or die, and then where would that leave the other one? He knew what Heero wanted from him, but he just couldn't give it to him, not with those risks. It was one thing to be friends. It was an entirely different matter to bare one's soul to someone, letting him see all the dark and broken shards, expecting him to help you piece yourself back together, then do the same for him.
Only to lose him.
Duo paused for a moment; his eyes falling to his bag lying on the floor where the disc player was resting. Grabbing it, he then turned and opened the sliding glass door, his eyes seeking the water. Once outside, he felt drawn to the beach and made his way down the steps. Placing the earphones on his head, he turned on the player and just let the melody and the feel of the sand on his bare feet make everything else go away. He felt the wind play with the hair around his face as he walked, his braid thumping reassuringly against his back in rhythm with his steps. He was wearing a pair of Heero's shorts and a tee shirt, and he could still smell the other boy on them. He tried to ignore it, tried to concentrate on something else, but that familiar scent seemed to embrace him, and his heart ached for the comforting arms of the boy who usually wore the clothes. How could something so frightening be so soothing at the same time? Duo didn't even know how to categorize their relationship now. He'd always thought of Heero as at least a comrade in arms, a fellow soldier, and an ally. How could Heero ever see him as anything but an enemy after this?
They were in a secluded area, at least a mile away from each neighboring house, so Duo didn't have to worry about encountering anyone. He walked out to the water's edge, letting it lap gently at his feet and thought about Heero saying that this was one of the things that he wanted to do when they had first talked about coming here. He could remember the way those blue eyes had lit up as the dark-haired boy had spoken about it. Duo could still feel that same longing he'd had that day to find somewhere he could call home. Closing his eyes, he listened to the song playing, the memory of Heero's voice repeating the lyrics to him just a couple days ago making them seem more intense.
//Divided is the one who dances
For the soul is so exposed
So exposed
Let's leave... oh let's get away
Get lost in time
Where there's no reason left to hide -- yeah//
Duo snorted derisively. There was always a reason to hide. It was a protective instinct that had saved his life -- and his heart -- more than once. Trusting someone was always a danger. It was better to run and hide than risk betrayal. Being alone was better than being hurt. Even admitting to weakness was a way for those stronger than you to take the advantage, so no matter what, you had to keep yourself closed off and distant, your defenses ready for an attack at any time. No one was ever completely vulnerable with you. No one was able to let go of his own agendas in the end.
No one was ever truly your friend.
Duo growled and changed the song playing, his thoughts making him feel even worse than he already had. Deep inside, his heart was weighing Heero's words carefully, forcing Duo to question what he was doing. Did he really feel like that when it came to friendship? Wasn't Heero his best friend? Couldn't he trust the Japanese boy enough to let down his guard for a while so they could talk about what he was feeling? Did he really believe that Heero would hurt him? Reject him? Heero had been nothing but open and honest with him ever since they'd awakened that first morning at the hotel. Was it possible that Heero trusted him more than he did Heero? That made Duo pause in his walking. Heero didn't trust many people, but he'd exposed himself to Duo willingly, only asking that Duo be honest with him... and himself. Duo had placed his life in the other boy's hands more than once, both of them facing each other's death many times, so why was this any different just because it wasn't during a war? Why was it such a hard thing to do now?
//We've seen out share of ups and down
Oh, how quickly life can turn around in an instant
It feels so good to reunite
Within yourself and within your mind
Let's find peace there//
Duo blinked. Find Peace. Isn't that why they had come there? So they wouldn't have to be alone? So they could learn how to live together? It had taken a lot of courage for Heero to ask him to come with him. If Heero hadn't really wanted him to be there, he never would have told Duo what he wanted to do. To share your dream with someone else, to risk their ridicule, was a frightening prospect at best, but Heero had done it with only the hope of Duo understanding how he felt and maybe wanting to become part of it. Duo had just thrown it all back in Heero's face by the way he'd acted, and he owed his friend an apology for that at least. All Heero wanted was for Duo to tell him why he was upset so he could understand and maybe help. Isn't that what friends were for?
Duo looked down at the water flowing over his feet and saw how the sand was pulled out from underneath them when the water receded. It reminded him of a story Sister Helen had once told him, about building a house on such unstable ground, and Duo found himself applying that principle to his own situation. Didn't he and Heero have a better foundation than that? Their friendship had been forged in the heat of battle, tried by the fire of war, and tempered by their shared experiences. Didn't that count for something now?
"A house divided against itself cannot stand," he whispered as he looked up at the darkening sky. "Without trust, the ground is shifting sand." He noticed the wind beginning to grow in intensity as the waves became choppy, but Duo closed his eyes, fighting the storm already raging inside him.
Heero stood on the deck, watching his friend from a distance. He held an icepack in one hand, cradling it against his bruised jaw to keep it from swelling more. Duo would feel guilty enough when his anger faded; he really didn't need any more of a visual reminder of the incident. Heero shifted, his back aching where it had been scraped through his shirt by the ceramic countertop, but that pain couldn't compare with the one in his heart. He couldn't even be angry with the other boy. An empty hurt resided where indignation should have been. Duo had only hit him one other time before and that had been at Heero's own request when they were trying to escape after restoring stability to the colony Dekim Barton had tried to use to gain control over Earth. Unlike then, Heero felt like something had broken between them this time.
His gaze slipped from the lone figure on the sand up to the sky. It was definitely getting ready to downpour and he wondered if Duo would endure it or come back inside. When he'd heard the sliding glass door open, he'd known that Duo was heading down to the beach. Fear had risen within him -- fear of Duo leaving or maybe even hurting himself in a fit of anger. Heero didn't know what to do. He'd never even considered the possibility that he was why Duo had held on. To know that his own welfare had stayed the knife that would have taken Duo away from him made him feel weak inside with emotions he couldn't even begin to name; and now, he had probably damaged their friendship beyond repair by forcing Duo to admit it to him.
"The sun shines and I can't avoid the light. I think I'm holding onto life too tight," Heero said softly, his eyes taking in the braided boy facing the ocean once again. "Me, I'm rusted and weathered, barely holding together." Heero hadn't really understood the appeal of that song when he'd listened to it. It had seemed so depressing, and he'd been surprised that Duo seemed to relate to it so well. Now, he could see why; that was how Duo really felt.
Heero's mind replayed the scene from the kitchen, remembering the words Duo had spoken. Analyzing them, Heero came to some disturbing conclusions about his friend. For one, Duo felt unwanted and didn't understand how anyone could care for the person he really was on the inside. Because of that, the other boy refused to let anyone discover what was carefully hidden behind the humor he used as his defense against anything he deemed a danger to his heart. The former Deathscythe pilot had admitted to believing that he was destined to be alone, not allowed to be happy for very long. Heero could only assume Duo felt he was serving some kind of twisted penance for the lives he had destroyed while fighting for what he had believed in. The Japanese boy sighed at that thought. Why couldn't Duo see that they had the right to live and laugh and love more than anyone? If anyone had earned a second chance, they had. Deep blue eyes ran over the object of his musings and Heero could see Duo wrapping his arms around himself as the wind became chilled. Taking a deep breath, Heero turned and walked back into the living room, trying to figure out what to do. How did you teach the former God of Death how to live when he was too afraid to learn?
Duo knew the storm was getting ready to break; he needed to go back to the house, but he just wasn't ready to face Heero yet. He was afraid his friend was angry with him, with good reason, and he just didn't know how to handle that. He jumped when he felt a warm weight settle across his shoulders. Turning his head, he caught sight of Heero stepping away quickly. Wrapped around him was the patchwork quilt from the couch. Duo gripped it, pulling it closer to him before he looked back at his friend. Heero was already heading back to the house. Duo suddenly didn't want to be alone anymore.
"Heero?" Duo called out softly.
Heero stopped and turned back around. "Yes?"
Duo hesitated, not exactly knowing what to say. "I..." he saw the darkening bruise on Heero's face and felt ill. "Gomen... I'm s-sorry... I didn't mean..."
Heero walked back over to him, placing his hands on Duo's shoulders. "Are you ready to talk?" he asked, ignoring the apology like it wasn't even needed. "If not, I don't want to get into another argument. You're my best friend, Duo. It hurts too much to fight with you."
Duo looked down at the sand. Rain was beginning to mist. "I don't know how to... talk to you," he admitted, his voice husky with emotion. "I don't know what you want me to say."
Heero reached out and forced the American to meet his gaze. "Just tell me how you feel. That's all I ask."
Duo sighed. "I can... try. I can't promise you more than that, Heero." When Heero nodded in resigned understanding, Duo adjusted the quilt and followed him as they walked towards the house. He wasn't sure he was going to be able to do this, but a foundation strong enough to stand when the storms of life tried to destroy it was never easy to build... and sandcastles never survived.
Heero's heart was beating rapidly as they made their way across the beach. He hadn't meant to disturb Duo, but after seeing the quilt on the sofa, he couldn't get rid of the mental image of the other boy standing there shivering in the water, looking so lost. He'd finally decided to make the small gesture of providing some comfort, a poor substitute for what he wanted to give Duo, but at least something. He wanted to show Duo that he cared. Everyone needed someone to let them know that they were concerned for them, even if it was just to offer warmth from the elements, a smile during hard times, or even...
'Are you lost, big brother?'
Heero gripped the deck railing tightly, the childish voice in his head causing him to falter. He gasped for breath for a moment, fighting to keep the edge of his vision from fading. The words echoed his thoughts about Duo, giving him an unwanted parallel between them. Was he still lost? He'd thought that coming here had finally helped him put those ghosts to rest, but what if it hadn't? What if they wouldn't leave him alone? He silently yelled at the unwanted memory to go away. He wanted to be free. This was his dream; he would not let anything destroy it, especially the past.
"Heero? Heero, are you okay? Heero?"
The Japanese boy turned his head to see concerned violet looking back at him and tried to focus on it to bring him back from the place he was desperately trying to forget. Was he okay? Taking a deep breath, he looked to his training, pulling it around him to force away the memories and regain control. Averting his eyes, he grunted noncommittally before walking on into the house, Duo following closely behind him.
Duo felt his internal alarms go off immediately. Something had just happened that had caused Heero to almost have a panic attack. Duo recognized the symptoms from having to deal with them personally on several occasions since the end of the first war. He hadn't known that Heero suffered from them. Had the argument caused something to resurface or was it purely a physical reaction? Duo hoped he hadn't hurt the other boy when he'd hit him. Maybe he was responding to the pain. Once they entered the living room, Duo reached out and caught Heero's arm, pulling him over to the couch.
"Let me take a look at your injuries. You're acting weird and I'm worried."
Heero stiffened. "I'm fine, Duo. I just..."
"You damn near collapsed out there. Don't tell me you're fine. That's my game, Yuy. You need to be more creative that that with your lying if you're gonna fool me," Duo informed him jauntily.
Heero flushed, realizing what he'd just done. "I had a... flashback of sorts... and it caught me off guard, okay? Just an unwanted reminder of something bad that happened during the war."
Duo searched Heero's eyes. "Was it something triggered by me hitting you?"
Heero shook his head. "No. It was completely unrelated," he replied. "I don't want to talk about it... at least not right now. Maybe... maybe another time."
Duo nodded. "All right, fair enough, but I'm still gonna look at what I did to you."
Heero shrugged. "You didn't really hurt me. Just a bruised jaw and a scraped back. Nothing serious."
"Your back? How the hell did that happen?" Duo asked as he began lifting Heero's shirt to take a look.
"Counter," Heero answered, turning so Duo could see before the other boy ripped his tank top off trying.
"Shit!" the braided exclaimed as he took in the abrasions. They weren't bleeding, but the bruising was going to be completely across the lower part of Heero's shoulder blades where he'd hit that damn island. Duo closed his eyes for a moment before getting up to head to the utility room.
"Duo... it's okay..."
"I'm going to get something to clean these and ease the pain," was all Duo said as he walked through the kitchen. Although they had two full baths upstairs, the half-bath downstairs near the kitchen was going to be a great convenience. Duo reached into the little medicine cabinet there, completely confident that he'd find the supplies he needed. Heero was very predictable; a bottle of antiseptic, clean gauze, and a tube of antibiotic cream were located immediately. With items in hand, Duo went back to the living room.
"Duo, you didn't mean to do this. I don't want you to beat yourself up over..."
"Too late," Duo responded, anger evident in his voice as he opened the bottle of peroxide. "Why the hell didn't you kick my ass, Heero? You didn't have to let me do this to you!"
Heero snorted. "I didn't *let* you do anything, baka. I didn't see the damn punch coming."
"Well, you shouldn't have kept at me like that. I could have hurt you. I didn't even realize what I was doing. You can't let me hurt you when I get like that." Duo poured a liberal amount of the liquid on the gauze before dabbing the red areas on Heero's back.
Heero made a noise of discomfort. "What is that, acid?"
Duo winced in sympathy. "No, peroxide. Just hold on a minute and I'll get some ointment on it."
Heero grunted his approval. The feel of Duo's hands on him reminded him of when they had tended each other's scrapes during the war. Back then he'd set his own leg with only a slight grimace. "I never used to complain at all when you had to patch me up, remember?"
Duo laughed. "Oh yeah. Used to piss me off too, because I damn well knew it hurt. It's nice to see you react like a normal person would for a change."
Heero looked over his shoulder, seeing a smile on Duo's face. "I hope we can become normal someday."
Duo averted his gaze but didn't stop his train of thought from being voiced this time. "Me too, but it's... just not that simple for me, Heero. I don't even know where to begin."
"How about telling me why you think you don't deserve to be happy?" Heero asked hopefully.
"Yeah, start with a hard one," Duo complained as he squeezed the antibiotic cream onto his fingers then began applying it to the cleansed area. When Heero remained silent, Duo decided to try to answer him the best he could. "I guess too many things have happened to me to believe otherwise. It's kind of hard to think of yourself as anything but cursed after a childhood like mine," Duo said as he lowered Heero's shirt.
Heero turned to look at his friend. "Bad things happen to good people the same as bad people, Duo."
Duo grinned sardonically. "The rain falls on the just and the unjust alike," he quoted. "Father Maxwell used to tell me that all the time."
Heero smiled slightly. "Sounds like he was a wise man."
Duo shrugged. "I guess, but I'm gonna ask you the same thing I always asked him. Shouldn't the good guys get a break? I mean, how can you tell the just and the unjust apart if they get the same treatment?"
Heero frowned, thinking about it for a moment before answering. "By how they react to it, I suppose. The unjust will use it as an excuse to do evil, while the just will see it as a challenge to do good in spite of it."
Duo just blinked at him. "That's... pretty much what he used to say," he replied in a slightly awed voice.
"Then maybe you should listen to the both of us and quit being afraid of being happy," Heero said firmly. "Regardless of what you've been through, I've never seen you do anything that went against what you believed in. You fought for those who couldn't, trusted in something greater than yourself, and endured when most people would have given up. Even though there are those that disagree with what you did, no one can fault your reasons for doing it."
Duo considered that for a few minutes, unconsciously rubbing the end of his braid between his fingers. "So you're saying that I need to quit feeling guilty about it. That I was meant to make it through all that shit."
Heero nodded. "I don't believe in coincidences, Duo. I think each one of us is here for a purpose and that our lives are never truly fulfilled until we find it. I'd always thought mine was to fight and die on the battlefield." Heero paused. "Then I realized that being a Gundam pilot was just a way to discover the person I was inside. What I do with that person now is completely up to me."
"What if the person you find inside isn't what you want to be?" Duo almost whispered. "What then?"
Heero reached his hand out to grasp Duo's. "Then we let others help us to change. We let them show us the good things by looking at ourselves through their eyes."
Duo gazed into guileless blue and felt his defenses slip a little. "Exposing your soul is the only way to dance, huh?" he asked, the fear in his violet eyes there for Heero to plainly see.
Heero felt like he was looking inside himself, his own fears staring back at him. He realized then why Duo was so reticent to do this. To be so open with someone could be... frightening. He felt his training try to take over, to imprison those emotions inside him, but he fought it, forcing himself to speak despite the way his heart was trembling.
"Only if you want to be free."
They stared at each other before Duo nodded slightly, looking away once more. Heero didn't take it as a rejection, but an acknowledgement of them both needing more time to become comfortable with being so vulnerable with each other. At least they had been honest; that was a beginning.
"I think... I think I need to think about all this," Duo admitted softly.
Heero looked down at their entwined fingers for a few seconds, squeezing them reassuringly before releasing them to stand. "I think I need to get that stir-fry going before we both pass out from hunger."
Duo laughed, relieved to change the subject. "Well, I do feel a little faint," he said dramatically, placing his hand on his head. Heero just shook his head at him, but Duo saw the small smile on the Japanese boy's lips as he headed for the kitchen. The braided boy remained on the couch -- pondering life and the wise words of two good men. Father Maxwell had always tried to tell him that he was a good person inside and that someday someone would prove it to him. Maybe Heero was that someone. Duo thought about how Heero had reacted to that flashback and realized that Heero needed him as much as he needed the other boy. It comforted Duo yet saddened him at the same time, which confused him. How could he be glad that Heero was hurting? He sighed at his incoherent thoughts.
Before he allowed himself to go off on another mental tangent, Duo stood and walked over to the kitchen doorway. He watched his housemate, unable to keep from smiling. Heero was wearing a faded blue tank top and a pair of worn jeans that he'd cut off into shorts just that morning before they'd gone shopping. They were going to become his 'cooking clothes' now that he had new ones, or so he had said after they had exited the clothing store. The Japanese boy's bare feet made a slight slapping sound as he walked across the linoleum, and Duo was struck with how at home Heero seemed after only one day here.
Duo remembered how he'd envisioned them sitting by the fireplace together when he'd first stood in the living room yesterday, but that feeling of belonging didn't seem so scary this time. He allowed himself to consider the possibilities, letting his imagination take over. Suddenly, he could see himself at the stove, making breakfast on Sunday mornings, Heero sitting at the table reading the paper out loud, both of them laughing at the comics or debating the headlines. He could see them listening to music up in their room before going to sleep at night, just relaxing next to each other in the bed, maybe talking about what they wanted to do the next day. He could see them out on their deck in the evening, watching the stars and noting the constellations as they discussed the different places where they had been. Duo knew he had to let the promise of what could be overcome the fear of what might not so he could really let it happen. He had to give it a chance.
He had to believe in the dream.
Duo walked on into the room just as Heero move the skillet off of the burner and turned off the stove. Before the Japanese boy could turn around, Duo slid his arms around Heero's waist, pulling him into an awkward backward hug. Heero tensed but didn't pull away. Duo took comfort in that, forging ahead as he made the attempt to express what he was feeling.
"I'm home," he whispered, burying his face in Heero's unruly hair, letting that lingering scent of jasmine soothe him as his heart clenched in fear.
Heero relaxed back into the hold. He'd been worried that Duo would just try to forget about their talk in the living room. This was a good sign. "For as long as you want to stay," he replied evenly. "No matter how many times you try to deck me." Heero turned slightly to let the other boy see him smirking so Duo would know he was teasing him. "Although I doubt you'll get another shot like that again. I'll be prepared next time, Maxwell."
Duo tightened his arms, smiling. "Yeah, I know. I wouldn't expect anything less from you, soldier-boy."
Heero snorted. "Just like I wouldn't expect anything less than the truth from you, Mr. I-never-tell-a-lie."
They were silent for a moment before Duo let go and took a step back. "I'll try, Heero, even though I seem to have a problem with... intimacy... like this. I mean... if you need me to help you fix your car, I'm there. Need to borrow some money, no problem. Want to go out drinking after your girl dumps you, I'm your man. But what you want from me is just frightening sometimes, and it will take a while."
Heero nodded. "I know. Believe it or not, I do understand, Duo. I just don't want you to bottle up your emotions so much. You need to let them out the moment they happen. Believe me, I know how repressed feelings can cause problems. I've been dealing with my own for the past two years. It sucks."
Duo couldn't help but chuckle at the incongruity of that remark and Heero's serious expression. "It sucks? Now where the hell did you pick up that phrase, Yuy?"
Heero gave him a mock glare. "From a certain braided baka who can drive me crazy sometimes without even trying."
Duo laughed out right. Now this was familiar territory. "Oh yeah? Seems to me I remember you calling him 'Sunshine' just this morning, bastard-san. If he annoys you that much, how do you explain that?"
Heero raised an eyebrow. "He was being quiet then?"
Duo smirked. "Aa, but I think you enjoy his company even when he is being annoying." Duo took a step forward and wrapped his arms around Heero again tentatively. "Isn't that right... Moonbeam?"
"Maybe," Heero replied, slipping his own arms around Duo's neck, looking for any sign of discomfort on his friend's face before resting his head on a strong shoulder. He felt Duo's hand begin to gently rub his back in a token expression of remorse. It made Heero feel like the scrapes were already healed.
They remained that way for a few moments, using the silence to say things they couldn't yet in words. It was a little awkward, but it felt good. Duo realized that this was what he needed. Even though it was difficult, he could feel something inside him breaking free, giving him the courage to let Heero get this close to him... giving him the strength to dare to dream. Finally, he pulled away to look at his best friend.
"Can I begin to live right now?"
The look of wonder that lit up Heero's face was enough to convince Duo that he could. Heero's words only reinforced it. "Of course you can. This is OUR dream, Duo Maxwell," the Japanese boy said.
Duo smiled back, the tightness in his chest disappearing. "Then I want to build sandcastles with you on the beach tomorrow and watch the waves carry them away." When Heero gave him a confused look, Duo merely added with a sigh, "Sometimes you have to just enjoy the moment, even if it doesn't last."
"And live another day to discover something even better than the day before," Heero reminded him.
Duo laughed. "Who would have ever thought that Heero Yuy was a philosopher?"
Heero snorted at that before turning around to get their food from the stove. "A philosopher that needs food. I can't believe you've gone this long without complaining!"
"Guess I just needed something else more," Duo said, flushing at his own words.
Heero looked back, his own expression softening. "Well, this philosopher's door is always open. I even make sandcastle calls."
Duo grinned. "I'll remember that."
As they sat down at their table, Duo felt that sense of peace that had eluded him for so long and realized that it wasn't something that stayed with you all the time; it would always be fleeting. You had to cherish each time you felt it, tucking it inside your heart to remember in your darker moments. Duo knew he needed to learn how to do that.
Heero had said that it was up to him to decide what to do with the person he was inside. Maybe it was time for him to stop running from what he used to be and begin being the person he was meant to be. The only way he would ever do that was to accept his past and overcome his fears. Heero would help him if he would just let him. There was no reason why he couldn't trust his best friend. No reason to fight what he knew he wanted in his heart. No reason to deny the home his soul had always longed to have.
No reason to hide.
The End
(:./tk/living5)
