Title: If Not For You - Part 1/4
Author: tkmaxwell777
Category: Shonen Ai
Pairings: 1+2
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam, but if I did, all fan fiction writers would NEVER have to put this disclaimer on their stuff because I'd know that they were only doing homage to my wonderful creation by using my characters. Since I don't own Gundam, please don't sue me for my obsession.
Rating: R
Warnings: Violence, NCS, and Adult Material
Synopsis: Heero shows up at Duo's door unexpectedly and collapses. Can Duo help Heero overcome what's happened to him?
'Please be home,' Heero thought as he staggered to the door. Pounding with all the strength he had left in him, he waited until a familiar face appeared in the doorway.
"Hey, Heero. What's up?" The voice barely registered in Heero's mind as he took one more step forward and collapsed.
"Duo..."
To say that Duo was shocked to see Heero standing at his door was an understatement; shock was soon replaced with worry when Heero fell into his arms. Before Duo could say anything else, he felt the other boy go limp. He quickly lifted Heero and carried him to the bedroom. After placing him on the bed, Duo noticed how roughed up Heero looked. He sat down to inspect his friend's injuries. Heero's left leg had a large gash that appeared to be from a knife, but what caught Duo's immediate attention were Heero's spandex shorts. They had been slashed in various places. From inside the torn material, Duo could see cuts and bruises all over Heero's upper thighs.
'What the hell happened to you, Heero?' Duo thought as he looked at the former Gundam pilot. After sitting there for a few minutes, Duo shook himself and tried to concentrate on the fact that Heero needed to be cleaned up and tended. Maybe when Heero came to he'd be able to tell Duo how he'd gotten in this shape. Duo made his way to the bathroom, still keeping a close eye on Heero in the bedroom. He returned shortly with a basin of warm water, a clean washcloth, and the first aid kit he kept for emergencies. When he took another look at the gash, he realized that it wasn't deep, which was good, but he needed to get what remained of Heero's clothes off before he could clean and bandage all of his injuries. He had done this more than once for Heero after a battle, but something felt wrong about taking off the boy's clothes without his consent this time. Duo wouldn't do it until he knew it was okay. He applied pressure to the gash in Heero's leg to stop the bleeding, waiting for Heero to wake up.
Heero struggled awake to the realization that someone's hand was on him, and he reacted from instinct as the memory of what had happened flooded him. He intended to push the person off of him and run like hell; instead he felt his body rebel against his commands, refusing to move at all. He finally had to resort to opening his eyes to see who his captor was and what that captor was doing to him.
"Duo." Heero's voice held a note of relief, yet it was hoarse and sore. 'Too much yelling,' Heero thought then wished he hadn't thought at all. He quickly quelled the images that tried to flash through his mind; he wasn't ready yet to face them. He'd never be ready. He would forget them before he could remember.
"Heero," Duo began softly, "I have to get you washed off and bandaged up. I need to remove the rest of your clothes so I can do that. Okay?" Duo looked into his friend's eyes and froze. The void he saw in those cobalt blue depths made his heart constrict. Duo had seen indifference, anger, even pain in those eyes before, but not this empty haunted look. 'What could have done this to him?' Duo took a deep breath. "I need to wash you off before I can do anything else. I have to get you cleaned up and bandaged before you lose more blood."
"Then do it." It was the coldest voice Duo had ever heard.
As soon as Duo touched him, Heero tensed. Duo knew it was in reaction to whatever had happened to him, but it hurt to think his touch wasn't as comforting as he wanted it to be for the other boy. He pulled off Heero's tank top first. There were bruises around his shoulders that were beginning to turn purple. It looked as if he'd been restrained by something. 'Or someone...' Duo thought angrily. As upsetting as that was, nothing could prepare him for what he saw next when he removed what was left of Heero's spandex shorts.
Heero was bruised everywhere underneath. Duo felt like he was going to pass out from the sight, but he looked at Heero and told himself that if Heero could remain conscious when he was the one that this had been done to, then certainly he could stand it since he only had to look at it. He began washing the exposed area as gently as possible, but he could hear Heero take in deep unsteady breaths as he did it. Once the whole area was clean, Duo put antibiotic ointment on the cuts and began bandaging the wound on Heero's leg. Unfortunately, he couldn't do anything about the bruising right now.
'Why would anyone do this?' Duo asked himself as he placed the last piece of tape on the bandage. There weren't any signs of blows to Heero's face or stomach. If Heero had been captured during a mission, those would have been the areas concentrated on. There was quite a bit of blood from the knife wound, but even that injury was strange. The angle at which it had been inflicted wouldn't have disarmed Heero. It wouldn't have even made a difference in a fight. Heero was tougher than that. Duo knew that for a fact. It was as if ...
Suddenly, the horror of one of the possibilities made Duo flinch. He closed his eyes at the very thought. 'Oh dear God, no,' he pleaded internally as he looked at the stony expression on Heero's face. Duo suddenly wanted to empty the contents of his stomach. He knew that look; why hadn't he noticed it immediately? It all made sense, but Duo knew what he had to do to make sure.
"Heero, I need to roll you over. I've got to wash the blood off." He tried not to let Heero know what he suspected. He half expected Heero to look at him and tell him to go to hell, but Heero just nodded. Duo carefully rolled Heero onto his side. Small bruises all over Heero's buttocks confirmed his suspicions. Blind fury engulfed Duo as he saw the signs of intrusion; the blood hadn't been from the knife wound alone. There was definite evidence of penetration. Duo closed his eyes again, trying to control the rage he knew all too well from taking him over. There had to have been more than one of them for Heero to be restrained while this was being done to him. And from the looks of Heero's bruised appendage, it had been done to him for quite a long time in an almost brutal way. 'Oh, Heero, if only I'd been there to stop them,' Duo thought bitterly as he looked at Heero's face. 'I would have killed every single one of those bastards.' He cleaned the area as quickly as he could, trying to be gentle.
When Duo turned Heero back over, he realized that Heero had a handful of his hair as he stared at the wall. Duo had been getting ready for bed right before Heero arrived, so his hair had been down instead of in its normal braid. Apparently, the other boy had found the long strands to be a way to deal with this, an attempt to escape the situation for the moment. Duo tried to calm the fury that was burning inside, but murdering those responsible was the only way he would feel better. 'I'll make sure they pay for every bruise, Heero. I promise.'
"Okay, Heero," Duo said, trying to sound as if nothing was wrong. "I'm going to go and get you some different clothes to put on." Heero's grasp only tightened.
Duo reached over and placed his hand over Heero's. "You can have it back after I get you dressed."
Heero let go immediately, pushing Duo's hand away. "No. I'm fine now." Heero's voice was as cold as ice. Duo knew he had stop this before it got worse. No matter how much Heero denied his feelings, they were still there.
"No, you're not fine, Heero. You've had something happen to you tonight so horrible that it defies description, and you need comfort whether you realize it or not. I'm not going to let you cave in on yourself. You are going to let me help you, and you are going to hold my hair all damn night if that's what you need. I'm not going to let you deny yourself anything that will help you heal. This was not your fault. There was nothing you could do to keep this from happening. No matter what those... bastards said... it wasn't your fault!" Duo's voice rose on the last sentence, the intensity of his emotions taking over. Memories came flooding back, making Duo tremble. 'He needs to understand. I have to make him understand.'
Heero looked directly into Duo's eyes as he spoke, "I don't want to talk about it, Duo. I don't need anything."
Duo returned the glare with equal force. "I am not going to let you ignore your need. I don't care if I have to hold you all night long in order to prove it. You need casual contact right now whether you realize it or not. You may as well accept it and not try to fight me."
"I don't want you to force yourself to touch me when I know you don't want to!" Heero yelled, the anger burning in his eyes. 'Good,' Duo thought, 'Anger is better than emptiness any day.'
Duo knew what he had to say, so he said it. "I like touching you and I like it when you touch me. I like being close to you. Nothing they did to you will ever change the way I feel about you, Heero. I trust you, and I ask you to trust me, even though I know it's the hardest thing in the world for you to do right now. I need to take care of you until you're better. I have to touch you in order to do that, and I don't want you tensing every time I reach for you. And I don't want you to hesitate to touch me either. Whatever kind of touch you need, I can give it to you, not because I have to, but because I want to. Do you understand?"
Heero looked back at him, uncertainty taking the place of anger for a moment. He finally looked away and nodded. "I do trust you, Duo. I know if you touch me... you won't hurt me."
Duo felt his heart breaking inside, but he told himself that he had to endure it. 'Oh God, I don't know if I'm ready to deal with this. Please help me. Help me help him.'
"And I know you would never hurt me either, Heero, so don't feel like you need to ask before you touch me. As far as I'm concerned, my body is your body. Okay?"
For some reason, that sounded reasonable to Heero. He was free to touch Duo just like Duo was free to touch him. It calmed him in a way. "Okay."
Duo focused on trying to keep his own tears from coming. "Okay. Right now, I just need to get you dressed. Try to relax. I'll be right back." Heero nodded. Duo hurried as fast as he could. He had a clean t-shirt and a pair of boxers in no time. Now came the task of getting them on Heero.
"I need your help to do this, buddy," he coaxed as he tried to pull the shirt over Heero's head. Heero leaned up a little and began pushing his arms through the holes. Duo pulled up the boxers to Heero's knees. "I need for you to raise up a little, Heero." Heero tried, but the pain was just too much. It was unlike any other pain he had ever encountered before.
"I can't," he finally said in a voice Duo barely recognized. 'I've blown myself up, even set my own broken leg, but I can't even lift my ass right now to get a pair of boxers on. I am completely worthless... just like they said.'
"Okay, buddy." Duo said quickly, wanting to put him at ease. "Let me try to help you then." He managed to lift Heero enough to get the boxers up on him then covered Heero up with a blanket. "I need to lock the door before we go to sleep. I'll be back."
Duo went to bolt the door then turned out the light before he got into bed. He had placed Heero on the right side of the bed so that Heero would be able to lie on his right side since his left leg was the one that was injured. Duo took the left side of the bed so Heero would have to face him, or lay on his back, which Duo doubted would be an option due to his other injuries. He knew Heero needed him close by, in as much casual contact as possible. So being true to his word, Duo moved his leg so it was barely touching Heero's, then he laid his arm above Heero's head so that it was touching his hair, and finally he placed his other arm between them so it was just close enough to be against Heero's arm. He would wait to see if Heero increased the contact. If he didn't, Duo would.
Heero lay there motionless. When Duo had opened the door, Heero had felt a sense of relief fill him; he'd known then that he was safe. He knew Duo wouldn't let anything else happen to him. He knew Duo would fight them off if they tried to hurt him again. He knew Duo would somehow find a way to help him. Before he'd lost consciousness, Heero had pleaded silently, 'Please figure out what happened so I don't have to tell you.' When Duo had rolled him over, Heero had felt Duo's anger. He'd known then that Duo knew. He didn't want Duo to think less of him. Everyone thought that he was the perfect soldier. How could the perfect soldier let something like this happen to him?
He had fought them with everything within him, but he hadn't been able to get away. When he realized that they were going to do even more to him, he'd accepted the fact that he'd probably die. It hadn't been that bad of a realization; anything would be better than living after what they had done already, right? Then out of nowhere, a car had stopped near the alley and honked, distracting his attackers long enough for him to break free. He'd hidden nearby, as they'd run in the opposite direction. Then he'd run every step of the way to Duo's. Where else could he have gone? He knew how seriously he was hurt; running hadn't helped the injuries, but it had been necessary. He wouldn't even be able walk by morning; that had been one of the jokes slurred at him during...
Heero closed his eyes to try to shut out the memory of what had happened. He wasn't ready to deal with it yet, if ever. Duo had been right; what he needed right now was comfort. He had reached out for Duo's hair without even realizing it while Duo was examining him; it had been like a lifeline to his sanity at that moment. His fingers ached to touch it again, but he didn't want to need anything... or anyone. He kept telling himself that he didn't, but as he turned on his side to escape the pain of lying on his back, he looked into the violet eyes of the boy who had always claimed to be his best friend. He felt Duo shift, making physical contact with him in unobtrusive ways, making sure Heero knew he had meant what he'd said earlier. Heero knew he had no choice but to do what Duo told him to do. It wasn't that he didn't want to touch Duo. The truth was that he wanted desperately to reach out; he just didn't know how. Heero thought about all the things they had been through together, all of the times they had been there to save each other. Heero knew that Duo cared for him in a way he couldn't understand. He had always thought Duo was crazy for wanting to be his friend. Heero couldn't understand why anyone would want to be his friend. He'd tried all of his life to not need anyone, but he knew he needed Duo now more than ever.
Duo watched Heero struggle with his feelings. Most people wouldn't have been able to detect the slight changes in Heero's facial expressions, but Duo knew Heero so well, he could tell what a battle the other boy was waging with himself on the inside. 'He doesn't even know how to deal with normal emotions,' Duo thought, his heart aching for him, 'how is he suppose to deal with this?' He watched as Heero started to say something, but hesitated. He knew what the other boy needed.
"I told you that you were going to hold my hair all damn night if you needed to, Heero. I meant it." He pulled all of his hair from underneath his head to his left shoulder so Heero could touch as much of it as possible. Duo saw the conflict in Heero's eyes. He watched as Heero just looked at it for a moment. When Heero finally touched the chestnut brown tresses, Duo knew in his heart that no one else would ever touch his hair the same way. It was so intimate for some reason, and that was what Heero needed more than anything. He felt Heero begin to move closer to him, tentatively at first, then gradually with less effort; it was a very good sign. Duo felt like he'd done the best thing he ever could have done to begin the healing. Duo was overwhelmed with emotion as he watched Heero finally surrender.
Heero pulled Duo's hair closer to his face, rubbing the silkiness against his skin. He wanted to bury himself in the softness and forget all the roughness he'd been forced to endure that night, to allow the somehow familiar scent of raspberry shampoo that permeated Duo's thick strands to soothe away the pain for a while. He only knew that he needed, and in needing, he finally gave in, nuzzling his face between Duo's shoulder and neck, breathing in the healing balm. He also knew he needed the strong arms that enfolded him, so he wasn't at all alarmed when he was pulled closer into the embrace of the person once known as Shinigami, the God of Death. As sleep began to overtake him, the thought that he was lying safe in Death's arms made him almost smile. For once, the violet eyed, chestnut hair God of Death was breathing life back into a wounded soul instead of taking it.
Heero awoke a few hours later to unbelievable pain. He realized that he had to urinate, and his member hurt so much he thought he was going to die.
"Duo," he urgently rasped, shaking the other boy's shoulder. "Duo, wake up!" Duo jerked awake and sat up from instinct. He then looked down at Heero.
"Are you all right?"
"I have to go to the bathroom," Heero explained, gritting his teeth at the shame of having to ask for help.
"Oh," Duo said as he got up and came around to the other side of the bed to help Heero up. "I bet that hurts like hell, huh?"
"You have no idea," Heero responded, sounding more like himself than he had since coming through Duo's door. Heero tried to move to the side of the bed, but he just couldn't. He had to let Duo pick him up and carry him into the bathroom. When Duo put him down, he knew Heero wouldn't be able to stand on his own.
"All right, Heero. I'm going to hold you up so you don't fall. I've got you, so just do what you need to do."
Heero winced as he tried to relieve himself. He was so swollen, but his bladder was demanding to be emptied. Heero wanted to scream. Rage and shame flowed through him as he tried to deal with his helplessness. He had never been helpless before, and he didn't like it. He hated it. He knew Duo would help him get through this somehow, but that meant that he had to talk to him. Talking was not something he was used to having to do.
"Duo, it hurts too much," he said through clenched jaws, feeling weak for having to admit what he was feeling. "I feel like I'm going to explode, but I just can't..."
"You need to relax, Heero. I know how hard that has to be right now, but just try to think about something soothing and let your body do the rest." Duo didn't know what else to do to help him.
'Something soothing?' Heero thought to himself. Only one thing came to mind, and that was Duo's hair. Without even questioning it, Heero reached up with one hand and began rubbing a few tendrils between his fingers, trying to forget about the pain and pressure. After a couple of minutes, his body relaxed, and he felt himself begin releasing fluid. He was raw inside; it burned horribly.
If Heero hadn't been in so much pain, it would have been almost comical the way he was acting about Duo's hair; but the reality of why Heero was acting that way made Duo want to weep. Heero had been hurt physically, but Duo knew Heero could deal with that; what the other boy didn't know how to deal with was the emotional hurt. Duo knew that he would have to force Heero to let out all of the rage that he knew Heero was feeling. Heero was trying to repress it like he did all his other emotions, but that wasn't going to happen this time; Duo would make sure of it. It wasn't going to be easy, but he had to do it.
"I don't know how much more of this I can take, Duo," Heero said shakily, breaking Duo out of his thoughts. Heero was still streaming into the toilet.
"That bad, huh?" Duo winced in sympathy.
"I feel like I'm on fire," Heero said, wishing he didn't have to talk to Duo about something so personal.
"Hold on, buddy. It'll be over soon."
Heero finally finished, almost collapsing into Duo's arms again from the strain. Duo helped him wash off then carried him back to the bed. Heero was exhausted. Duo wasn't exactly rested.
Heero turned over slowly, facing Duo again. Their eyes met, and for what seemed like an eternity, they just stared at each other, Duo trying to tell Heero with his shimmering violet eyes that everything was going to be all right, and Heero trying to keep Duo from seeing the vulnerability that was just beneath the surface of his own icy blue depths. Finally Heero spoke, surprising himself.
"I didn't know where else to go." It was so hard to talk, but he needed to tell Duo that. Duo reached over and gently brushed a strand of hair from Heero's eyes. That simple touch comforted Heero in a way he couldn't explain. It broke through and shattered the carefully constructed wall around the fear he'd been hiding deep inside. 'Please don't stop,' he thought suddenly, panic seizing him at the thought of Duo not wanting to touch him because of what had happened, even though Duo had already said that wouldn't happen. 'I need this kind of touch, Duo. I need it, and I'm so afraid you're going to stop.' Heero tried to regain control, but he knew only Duo could make the fear go away.
"I'm glad you came here, Heero," Duo said as he continued to run his fingers through Heero's hair, seeing the evidence of Heero's feelings in eyes, knowing he had to give Heero a sense of stability. "I care about you, and I don't want you to hurt. You can stay here as long as you need to. In fact, you never have to leave. We both know we can live with each other. I just hope you can endure my cooking."
Heero felt himself calm at Duo's words and teasing. He tried to smile, but took a deep breath instead. "There are no words." He felt something stir. 'What is this feeling? Is it friendship? It must be.' He'd never known his feelings for Duo were so strong. He'd never actually admitted to having them before.
Duo smiled. "Oh yeah there are, like 'I owe you big time, Maxwell' or 'I'll never say I'm going to kill you again' or 'Duo, you're the greatest' or ..."
"Duo, you're the greatest," Heero said, a slight smile curving his lips this time.
"I'm such an idiot!" Duo exclaimed suddenly. When he saw the way Heero jumped, he added apologetically, "Sorry. I just remembered that I have some pain medicine Sally gave me when I twisted my knee last month. I bet it would help if you took a couple of them."
"I'd take anything if I thought it would help," Heero admitted.
Duo nodded. "I'll be right back."
Heero shifted. He didn't like being restricted to sleeping on one side. It hurt too much to lay on his back for any amount of time, and the gash on his leg made it impossible to sleep on his left side for now, so he had no choice but to sleep facing Duo. 'I have a feeling that's the point,' he thought to himself, glad that Duo would even want him this close. 'Duo already said that he wanted you to touch him and that he wanted to touch you,' he reminded himself quickly. 'Quit worrying about it. It doesn't matter what they did. Duo is still your friend. It's over. Just don't think about it anymore.'
Duo came back in the room with some pills and a glass of water. "This should help."
Heero sat up a little and looked at the other pilot. "Maybe it will knock me out too."
Duo gave him a sympathetic look, "Pain is a bitch, isn't it?"
Heero nodded as he said, "Especially this kind of pain."
Duo heard the underlying meaning and waited for Heero to continue. When Heero didn't, he knew that the other boy wasn't ready to have that conversation ...yet. Duo climbed back into bed. He was a little surprised when Heero moved closer until he was against him, his left arm positioned so he could hold Duo's hair and rub it against his face again like before, and his head pressed against Duo's shoulder. Duo moved his left arm under Heero then placed his right arm around Heero to complete the embrace. Heero moved even closer into his arms. Duo smiled at the response. It meant that Heero believed what he had told him. It was another step in the right direction.
Heero knew he just had to accept the fact that he needed Duo like this. He closed his eyes and allowed the rhythmic sound of Duo's breathing to comfort him. He didn't want to feel the panic anymore. He didn't want to think about how he had felt while they... Heero tensed again and told himself he wouldn't let himself remember. He felt Duo tighten his hold; the strong embrace of the boy next to him made Heero relax again. He was safe; it was a feeling he would never take for granted again.
"Goodnight, Duo."
"Night, Heero."
Duo knew that Heero had a long way to go before he would be okay; he just hoped he would be able to help him. What Heero needed the most right now was comfort and reassurance, and Duo would do his damnedest to make sure the other boy got what he needed... no matter what that meant Duo had to do. Heero was his friend; Duo wouldn't let him down. It was too important. As Duo lay there, he allowed himself to enjoy holding Heero so close. Heero's gentle fingers on his hair was beginning to relax him as well, but Duo didn't allow himself to fall back to sleep until he heard the other boy's even breathing.
End Part 1
(:./tk/infy1)
