07-Sep-2004
reposted: 17-Apr-2005
Title: Red Moon Rising (Part of the D&TP Arc) Part 12
Author: ebonydove
Archived & Reposted: GW Addiction - Award
Warnings: angst, sap, language, sci-fi
Pairings: 1+2
Rating: PG
Spoilers: limited references to the series. Taken out of the series time line and terribly warped the story.
Authors Notes: sequel to the Death and the Phoenix. Sidestory is Northstar. Duo has lost all memory of his time with Heero and the others after a mysterious illness took him out of commission. In this story Duo returns to take back his life and continue the fight against Oz. Special thanks to Red Roses for the encouragement and StarWatcher and Phil for the beta. I need all the help I can get!
Disclaimers: I may toy with them, but I still don't own them.
I sat for a very long time just holding his hand and turning the small, silver compass over and over with my fingertips. It was the token he had given me to help me find my way back to him in case I ever got lost and seemed as if it was a whole other lifetime ago. I felt it oddly comforting as I sat and waited for him to open his eyes that a small silver circle with it's delicate scrolling design and slim black arrow could always point me home no matter where in the universe I was and bound to me to the person who gave it to me. Heero was my home; my heart and I was never going to let anyone or anything keep me away from him again.
I tucked the compass back inside my shirt where it hung lovingly beside another reminder and laced my fingers again with his. He slept comfortably as I sat there as I traced the lines on his palm and ran the pad of my thumb over calluses made smooth by use. I could hear the soft sound of his breathing no longer labored by artificial gravity or the weight of crushing stone and imagined waking up each morning and settling down each night to it. I tried to think of that as I waited for him and not the reality of our situation. We were still being hunted. And this time we had been lucky, but it had been a well-organized little trap almost made fruitful by our desperation.
I took a shuddering breath and squeezed his hand in mine; testing the reality of it before shutting my eyes and trying to find where my courage had suddenly fled to. I had been prepared to die alongside him in that dark hole. He still loved me after all we had been through and it propelled me to abandon all my fears of knowing or not knowing what truth lay buried so deep inside myself. It didn't matter anymore what happened in the past. So where had my courage gone to now? Would the future bring us as much pain? I could feel my chin trembling and quickly scrubbed away the fierce tears as they gathered in my eyes and cursed my failing courage. How many more times would we almost lose each other before we saw our part in this game end?
He slept on unaware as I sat replaying all the things I should have and could have done better before now. All the people I had hurt along the way and was quite sure that there would be more people whose lives would forever be altered by just crossing my path. I just hoped that most would be better and not... collateral damage. My head was spinning with fatalistic thoughts so much so that when I felt a hand drop softly on my shoulder, I flinched.
There was no need to turn to acknowledge him. But when Wufei came around and squatted down in front of me and I found that I just couldn't force my eyes to meet his. My breath hitched in my chest as I tried to find some word to break the growing flood of emotions and found that when he placed his hand on my knee to offer me his silent comfort I just couldn't keep it all bottled up inside for an instant longer. I found myself instantly gathered into his arms; shaking and trying to keep it all from letting loose. I couldn't fathom why that after all we had been through and with my
new found memory restored that I could be so overwhelmed by fear and doubt. I cursed my failed resolve for the second time as I wept silently for it in his embrace.
"Shhh, now. He's all right. Yuy is the strongest person I have yet to me besides you."
"That's not true! I'm afraid Wu, I think I've been afraid of this for so long. And I-I know the truth. I remember everything. I remember it.all." I hiccuped as a fresh flood of tears soaked his shoulder. "I ran away. And I-I ran for all the wrong reasons." I finally pulled away from his tight embrace and met his eyes. "I abandoned you all after you had stood by me. W-What kind of friend does that? And how can I be sure I w-won't run again? Damn-it, I was never meant to be part of a team. I wasn't supposed to be responsible for anyone else, and now... I'm bound to him. I'm bound to you all."
He smiled a sad, knowing smile at me and I could tell he was thinking carefully about what he was going to say. When he did speak it was with a clear and quiet voice. "Acknowledging the truth is the first part to understanding it. But you must also realize that time bends all things. At the time you made the decision to run from him, it had made perfect sense to you. You were protecting him. Now, looking back on it you see that there was perhaps a different path to walk. Either way, it is in the past and it is now time for you to move forward. Accept what has happened in the past and leave it be. Then move forward without fear of it."
"But I hurt him. I remember how much it hurt." I stopped and gazed at the sleeping figure in the bed beside us. "Is the r-risk worth it to him?"
"No one ever said love didn't hurt." He said matter of factly. "Love is a very powerful thing. It's binds us, it keeps us focused, and drives us to do great things. Love is worth the greatest of risks and I have no doubts that Heero realized that long ago. You shouldn't doubt your future before you have a chance to reach it."
I scrubbed at my eyes as Heero slept on; unaware of how badly I wanted to race from that room and keep running until I dropped. When he woke I would have to tell him that I remembered loving him and despite that, also knowingly and purposely left him. I chose to hurt him rather than face the fear of losing him and even dragged Quatre down in the process. Acknowledging that truth and the hurt I had caused made a fresh rush of tears begin as Wufei continued.
"Duo, you need to stop punishing yourself for mistakes made in the past. At the time you left we all understood that you were trying to protect him. I know what it was like to want to protect others from weakness, but Heero won't remember your weakness or doubt when he wakes. He won't remember the hurt from the past as much as he remembers your love now. Take strength from that and build on it."
Then he took me very squarely by the shoulders and gave me a shake. With a firmness in his voice that I hadn't heard in a very long time, he met my tear-rimmed eyes with his. "Accept this gift in the grace that it was given or go now. And don't ever look back."
I glanced from him, to the bed, and back again. I wasn't going to run any more.
A sound in the doorway brought us out of our moment as Quatre and Trowa waited quietly for me to get myself together. Wufei stood and blocked me from their view until I had smoothed my hair and wiped most of my tears away. I had just regained the composure I lost when as I stood and turned towards the door, it was to find Quatre leaning against Trowa in the doorway with tears unerringly streaming down both cheeks as he smiled at me. Next thing I knew I had him in my arms and found myself spilling out senseless apologizes over and over with fresh tears. I cursed myself for the third and last time.
Quatre broke through my flurry of words and the stream of apologies, finally interrupting me. "Don't say anymore, Duo. I knew what you had to do. Heero has forgiven me for letting you go a long time ago. And you're back. You remember us now and you're here with us. Just let it go."
I nodded into his soft, blonde hair and met Trowa's knowing gaze from where he stood in the doorway with Wufei. "I really don't deserve you all. You know that, right? I thank all the stars in the heavens for you, but I still don't know what to say to you. I just hope you can all forgive me for being such an ass and that I promise to make sure that... "
"Everything's okay, Duo." Trowa said quietly with a small smile. "Let it go."
"Ok." I answered quietly, then turned my attention to the bed where Heero had shifted.
"Well, I think that Heero is finally waking up. We'll catch up with you both in a little while." Trowa said softly as he stretched out a hand for Quatre.
"We will all be close should you require anything." Wufei added as Quatre, Trowa and he left me to wait for Heero to pull himself completely out of sleep.
I reassumed my seat next to his side and gathered his hand back into mine and waited patiently for him to come fully around. When he finally opened heavy eyes and turned his head towards me, it was with a look of mussed wonder.
"It's you."
"In the flesh."
"Is this real?"
"Yeah. You're alive, and I'm here with you."
"You're an ass."
I barked out a laugh. "I know, Heero. But you still love me all the same."
"This is true." He grumbled softly as he squeezed my hand and brought my fingers to his mouth to press a soft kiss there.
"Heero... I need to tell you how sorry I."
"Don't." He mocked glared at me and gave my hand another hard squeeze. "Just answer me: do you love me?"
"Yes. With all my heart." I whispered, trying to keep the tears out of my eyes.
"Then that's all that matters."
"Ok."
We sat for a few long moments in comfortable silence when the thought of the future crept back into my head and despite that I had just said I'd let it all rest; it came flying out my mouth anyway. "Forever, right?"
He nodded as he eyes slid shut and a slow smile crept across his face.
"Like arguing over who makes the coffee in the morning?" I continued.
"Uhm humm." He nodded and gave my hand a little squeeze as he began to drift back to sleep.
"Like a king-sized bed instead of two bunks?" I winked.
He turned his head to me with his eyes sharp and focused. "Like picking china patterns and matching tool sets."
I laughed out loud again and tried to pretend like what we were saying right then wasn't a pledge for our future, but more like hope for it. It wasn't so scary then. We sat there talking for a long time trying to decide how we would plan an impromptu, unauthorized, short holiday somewhere quiet, to plan out our next move together. We both knew that Oz wouldn't let us forget them so easily and that we still had a long, hard road ahead of us. For now though, we ignored the strong possibility of one or both of us not living to see the end of the war at all and pretended instead that we were just like everyone else. We were just two star-crossed people who had fallen in love with one another under a blood red moon.
Fini
(:./ebony/red12)
