Partially inspired by a couple Cheers' episodes, guess which ones
"I really don't want you to have a bachelorette party," said Wufei to Sally as they sat side by side in the lunch room of the Preventer's headquarters.
"But I heard that the rest of the pilots are giving you a bachelor party," said Sally.
Wufei grumbled, "I didn't ask for it. I just want to get married."
Sally smiled at that. "That's sweet, but Noin's already arranged the party."
"With my luck, those nutcases will bring in a male stripper for my bachelor party."
Sally laughed at that. "Well, hopefully, they won't do something like that. You should relax and have fun; just make sure you don't make too much of a fool of yourself." She gave him a kiss on the cheek.
"Not out in public," scolded Wufei.
Sally sighed. Such a shy guy he is, she thought. But he's very attentive once we're alone, she thought. Reading love poetry and using his knowledge of acupressure to relieve my tired muscles, that's the Wufei nobody else sees. If only people could see that side, they'd stop asking me why we're together.
Wufei arrived at one of Quatre's many houses. There were a few people waiting for him outside.
"Yo, Wufie! This is your last chance to be a wild man!" said Duo, dressed in blue jeans and a black sleeveless T-shirt. Heero said nothing, but waved with one hand while his other hand was on Duo's shoulder.
"Wufei! Just how many times do I have to tell you to quit calling me Wufie!" snapped Wufei.
Quatre smiled at him and said, "Did Sally already leave for her bachelorette party?"
"Yes."
"Well, come on in, the Maganacs and Trowa are waiting for you!"
Wufei groaned.
Meanwhile, Sally arrived at Noin's house. Noin opened the door and said,
"Sally, we've all been waiting for you."
Inside were some co-workers from the Preventers, Lady Ann, Dorothy, Relena, Catherine and Hilde.
Noin said, "Now that our guest of honor is here, I say we celebrate!"
Everybody began whooping and clapping. Oh, my God, thought Sally.
Wufei stood in the back, trying to hide. The food was really good and the champagne was top rate.
Trowa went up to Wufei and said, "How do you feel?"
"Nervous."
"That's normal."
"I've been married before but not like this. Last time, I had no choice. This time... "
Trowa nodded in understanding silence.
Rashid went up to Wufei and said, "So, you're the one getting married?"
"Yes."
"Let me give you some advice... "
"I have some advice as well... " said Abdul.
This started a long line of people giving Wufei advice about marriage, much of it contradictory, mixed in with some baudy jokes about the wedding night and how things change after marriage.
After several people congratulated Sally on her engagement, Noin turned to Sally, "Are you really marrying that guy?"
"Of course."
"He's so... He's so... "
"Noin, I know what his faults are. I just think his virtues outweigh his faults."
Noin sighed. "If you insist." Then she clapped her hands and said, "Lets see what everybody bought you."
"Handcuffs?" said Wufei, looking at Duo's present.
"Yeah, they're cool."
Wufei frowned. "Uh, thanks." Then he picked up a bottle and read the label. "Explosion lotion?"
"It increases sensation," said Heero.
Wufei was starting to turn a nice pink and mumbled his thanks. Then he opened up Quatre's and Trowa's present. He pulled out a nice black silk pajama, then he found something that looked like a black rubber band.
"What's this?" he said.
"It's a black thong," said Trowa.
Wufei nearly fell on his face.
"A whip?" said Sally at Dorothy's present. "And what's this leather... " she said pointing to the skimpy leather dominatrix outfit.
"Well," said Dorothy. "You must keep the man in line."
Everybody facevaulted.
Noin sighed, then said, "I wasn't sure if I should get you this or not." She pulled out a vaguely cylindrical object that had a curve at the top that looked vaguely like a dolphin.
Everybody frowned and stared at it. "What is that?" said Relena.
"Ah, it's a dildo," said Noin.
"Why is it shaped like a dolphin?" said Catherine.
"What's a dildo?" said Relena.
Everybody else in the room sweatdropped.
"Well, there's actually a history lesson on why it's a dolphin," said Noin.
"During a certain era in Japan, I forget the name, objects that looked like, well you know, were banned. So, to get around it, they created dildos that looked like something else. There's even stuff that looks like corn and... "
"Aren't you going to answer my question?" said Relena.
Noin sweatdropped. "After the party, Relena." Then she turned to Sally and said, "Look the curved part even rotates."
"Ah, thanks," said Sally. I guess it's the thought that counts, then she thought, What is the thought?
Relena gave a gift certificate to one of the most romantic Chinese restaurants called Koi Palace. Hilde gave Sally some pretty linen nightgowns. Catherine came up with a nice Hitachi massage wand.
All her co-workers at the Preventers had an evil, silly grin. "We all chipped in for a hunky stripper!"
"Say what?" said Sally.
By this time, most of the men at Wufei's part were drunk except Quatre, Wufei and a few of the Maganacs. Trowa was also drunk, but his balance was so perfect, it didn't show in his gait. The giveaway was the slight blush and the silly smile on his face. Duo staggered up to Wufei, "I wonder if Sally's enjoying the strip show at Noin's."
"What?"
"Hilde told me that the gals at the Preventers were going to treat Sally to some beefcake before she had to deal with beef jerky." Duo slurred.
A knot of tension popped on Wufei's forehead. "Where is the justice in that?" I bet it was Noin's idea, he thought. I should've really kicked her ass that time. . .
"Wufei, your stripper's finally come! Woah, he's good looking!" yelled Duo.
Wufei went up to Quatre and said, "I must go now! I apologize for my rudeness."
Wufei ran out the back of the house, the presents tucked under his arm.
"Wufei, come back, I was just kidding!" Duo yelled at the jeep heading away from the estate.
The female stripper looked at Quatre and said, "That was the guest of honor, huh?"
Quatre sadly nods.
"I hope you really like him," cooed Alice.
"He's six feet tall and hunky and just the total opposite of Wufei," said Noin.
"You didn't get a Zechs clone, did you, Noin?" Sally said, raising an eyebrow.
Noin blushed, partly out of embarassment and partly because she was a little tipsy from too much white wine. "Shhhh, nobody's like Zechs, nobody."
Noin turned the music on real loud and everybody just started to dance to the throbbing music. Three women wheeled in the cake that had just arrived. Comments of "wooh" and "take it all off" filled the air.
When Wufei popped out of the cake, there was a stunned silence, then all hell broke loose. Sally gasped. Dorothy laughed, rocking back and forth. Relena turned a bright red. Hilde face-vaulted. Une frothed at the mouth. Noin screamed, "Kya" then promptly passed out. The rest of the Preventers just stared and stared and stared at him wearing nothing but a black bikini thong.
"Wufei, what are you doing here?" Sally said when she had recovered enough to talk.
Realizing how silly he looked, he hopped back into the cake.
Considering what happened, it was no surprise that the party disbanded quickly after that. Sally ended up driving Wufei home, fuming. As part of his punishment, he wasn't allowed to put on his clothes until he got home
"I still can't believe you did that."
"I'm sorry I messed up your bachelorette party."
"What happened to the original stripper?"
"I paid him off."
"I still can't believe... You are going to be so laughed at when you come into work on Monday." Sally looked at him and saw him looking very contrite. "Ah, well. It was funny."
Wufei nodded. He was in the wrong and he knew it.
"Suppose I had popped out of a cake at your bachelor party, wearing nothing but a... " Sally said, needling him.
"Onna!"
The End
(:./mk/sally)
