30/06/AC205
I'm back.
Life is good.
The trip was good.
It really was... good.
Didn't start off too well though. I was low all through the Monday--the day we left. Had to feign sleep during the shuttle flight so Hilde wouldn't worry.
Hilde was worrying enough already. It seems she had the idea of taking me climbing during the party, and absolutely threw herself into getting everything sorted as quickly as possible over the following days. But as soon as everything was ready, and I'd been informed, she no longer had anything much to devote all that energy to, so she ended up stressing over everything and anything. We were bringing too much stuff, and she was sure she'd forgotten something important, and she'd rushed the booking, and she didn't think it was really the right time of year for Scotland, and she could have gotten a better deal had she waited a little longer, and there was no-one to water the plants and pick up the mail while we were away, and she couldn't remember if we had the right insurance, and there were so many people she had to remember to write postcards to when we arrived, and she just knew the house'd be burgled as soon as we left, and I shouldn't really be taking so much time off work, and so on and so forth.
And Heero seemed a little unhappy, too.
I don't know--I can't really remember exactly how the conversation went when I dropped in to tell him I was leaving...
I know I didn't know what to say--never know how to say goodbye to him... it was awkward, definitely.
I rambled about nothing for a while. He stared at me--just made me nervier.
I eventually got out a garbled explanation, and he just nodded. Said something meaningless. Looked at me.
I rambled some more. Think I mentioned he should see Nathalie--shouldn't just isolate himself while I was away. Just made him tense.
He said something harsh.
I rambled some more. Joked a lot. Probably grinned and did that thing where I stretch and rest my arms behind my head, and lean nonchalantly against the wall.
I remember he shook his head.
I wanted--I don't know--wanted to shake his hand or something, I guess. But he doesn't go for that kind of thing. He'll touch my shoulder or back--keep me grounded... or something. Never the more serious contacts though. Heero.
I settled for a slap on the back, a chuckle, a stupid joke, a saunter out of his house.
I'm crap at goodbyes.
Anyway, mustn't whine--'tis a trap best avoided, in my opinion.
Scotland.
Climbing in Scotland was great.
I think my favourite part was the air. Not the spectacular views. Or the feeling of fullness you get upon reaching your goal for the day, an impossible plateau among the vitally raw jaggedness of the surrounds. Or even the occasional sense that you are suspended in time and space and stillness, although in a way, that is a part of it.
I liked the feeling of being battered by the wind, and I liked its freshness and... and its _energy_. Something clean and immortal, ringing in my ears until I felt as if it was a part of me...
And now I'm rhapsodising. Best to leave that to Heero, hey? Not that he ever does...
I guess I'm just always kind of startled by the difference between the non-air of the colonies, and the essential, super-alive stuff blowing around on Earth.
But I couldn't live there. Too overwhelming. Either I'd feel like things were pounding against my skull night and day, or I'd become numb to it all.
Occasional wonder the best thing in life.
So it was wonderful.
Hilde and I climbed and we smiled and we really felt close, I think. I guess I was both right and wrong about the party being what she needed to give her a lift. The party itself wasn't what she needed, but the idea that came to her at the party was. I really am glad she's got back into her swing. A Hilde without cheerfulness and optimism just isn't right.
Sometimes, I missed Heero. When I saw or felt something amazing, or touching, or indefinably sad. Or in the evening, when there was nothing on my mind--when I felt I needed a lift, or a release, or some proof of value.
Those four o'clock in the mornings when I was trapped somewhere between sleep and life--neither one thing nor t'other--when I felt I had lost something or forgotten something or left something behind or swallowed it... I should have done something to stop those from happening--I shouldn't allow myself to sink into self-pity. I need more control.
But it was still a good trip. Exertion and awe are wonderful things. And when it was over, I felt content. Bruised, smelly, dirty, aching, tired... but content.
I could probably have done more, seen more, _been_ more, but what I did was just right. Exciting enough, safe enough, dangerous enough, emotional enough... it was exactly right.
The return was a bit wearying--all the lugging of luggage through rooms that seem designed to be drab can get to be very draining. I didn't have to pretend to sleep on the shuttle--I was out like a light, even before take-off. Apparently, I missed some nice views. And then home was cold and dank, and there were things to be unpacked, and things to be organised, and things and things and things and things...
I wanted to sleep again, but I couldn't. I _should_ have been doing ironing, or some such thing. But I couldn't. So I just sat on the sofa and experienced the emotion, lethargy.
Heero came round a bit later, while Hilde was out getting shopping, and scolded me for putting things off and being lazy and selfish and whatnot. I told him he was behaving like a little housewife. He scowled. Then he unpacked all my things and set them to rights, and waited for me to start talking to him.
After a while, I did. Must really have been tired, mentally anyway--usually I can resist much better than that. I like to be obstinate. It's a lot of fun.
Talking brightened me up. Before the hour was up, having completely forgotten that I was completely incapable of even mildly strenuous activity, I had hustled him out into the night to go drinking and laughing and dancing and losing my mind.
Heero watched, and smiled. When it became annoying, I forced him to dance.
I got back around two in the morning. Hilde was up, and just a little angry. Perhaps I should have waited for her before taking off, so that she could have come along, instead of just leaving a note.
That was yesterday.
I'm hoping that by the end of August, Hilde and I'll be on speaking terms again.
But, seriously, life is good.
End Part 6
(:./psyche/best6)
