Title: Frail
Author: Thyme
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or the song "Frail" by Jars of Clay.
Warnings: Shounen ai, I suppose. The usual dose of angst and 1+2. Isn't that nifty?
Rating: PG, but only because of the Yaoi.
Annoying extra note: The first part of a trilogy of sorts written to help me vent angst. My friend's father is dying (brain tumor), and we're both having problems accepting it, so I've ended up with such an overload of angst I've decided to take it out on Heero and Duo. So there.
Additional annoying extra note: I wrote this at the most unkind hours, and while I have had it beta read and have edited it twice myself, there's still a possibility of errors. So, unlike the time in which I wrote this, please be kind when you read.

Frail by Thyme without her Rosemary

[Convinced of my deception
I've always been a fool]

Violet eyes somehow managed to find Heero's cobalt blue, and he felt frightened, disgusted, but strangely lightheaded to discover this. So, instead of dwelling upon it, he knitted his brows together uncomfortably and tried to distract himself from his thoughts and daydreams, the ones he shouldn't even have had, by working all the harder on Wing Zero. As long as he didn't admit to himself that he enjoyed having those violet eyes watching him, it wasn't true. It wasn't true unless he said it.

But it was, and it scared him.

So Heero gripped the wrench tighter in his hand, not allowing his grasp to shake as he screwed the metal parts together to make them fit as snugly and well as possible. Perfect. Just like he'd been taught. No problem. It didn't matter that two of the most beautiful eyes in the world were still watching him.

Still, as he once again noticed that the twin amethysts were glued to him, a fluttery feeling insisted on rising in his stomach. It made him frantic. Frantic enough to think about staring back, yet so nervous that his breath started coming faster. He was tempted to swat back the offending flutter with the he still held in his hand but, being Heero, none of this was portrayed in his cool blue eyes as he met Duo's gaze indifferently. The braided pilot seemed to frown, a very uncharacteristic thing to do even during times of grief. He then looked away, leaving Heero with a brief feeling of guilt. But it was better to feel guilt that affection. He didn't have time for affection. He barely got away with friendship, which was a risk in the first place anyway. He didn't have the guts for affection.

[I fear this love reaction
Just like you said I would]

Heero gave the section on Zero he'd been working on a quick once-over. Nodding in satisfaction, he decided it was good enough for the day. He wiped his hands on his slacks, leaving smudged tracks of black grease and oil. He then ran one through his hair, leaving blots of black there also, but he didn't mind. But then he found Duo's eyes again, and he knew that he did, even if he wouldn't admit it to himself. Even if he said it wasn't true, it was. He stared into Duo's eyes a moment longer, who was standing a few feet away from Wing Zero, perfectly still, then looked away hastily. Suddenly, his head hurt.

He thought he heard the clatter of a tool being dropped by Duo, but he pretended that he didn't care, or at least that he hadn't noticed, and began walking away. Light footsteps approached him, and his pulse quickened. His steps eventually slowed.

"Heero," a hesitant voice from behind him began. "Heero, what's wrong?" It was Duo, of course.

Unknowingly, Heero allowed himself to listen to Duo's voice, his retreating strides halting. He closed his eyes and concentrated on breathing.

In and out, in and out.

It helped calm the thoughts whirring around in his head. Duo was behind him. Talking to him. So what?

What would Dr. J have said to do in this situation?

Duo was still trying to coax a word or two from Heero. "C'mon, man, what's up? You can tell me."

Oh, right. Walk away.

But apparently his mind had detached from his body and no longer control it, for he soon found himself turning around to look Duo straight in the eye. Those wonderful, violet eyes he loved being watched by, though he'd never tell.

"Nothing," he said, surprised briefly by the monotone he'd forgotten came so naturally to him now. It hadn't always been like that, but now it had to be.

"Heero, come on. Tell me," Duo insisted firmly. Heero pressed his lips into a thin line and looked away, noting somewhere in the back of his mind that he really liked the way Duo said his name. He kept quiet, knowing that if he held out long enough Duo would say it again.

"Heero, please!"

Ah, there it was. He felt like he was smiling, but when he looked back into Duo's eyes he was surprised to see his reflection still frowning.

Is that how I always look?

[A rose could never lie
About the love it brings]

Heero suppressed a wistful sigh, the teachings of Dr. J nagging at his last nerve. He turned away once his mind reclaimed his body under its control once more. He couldn't let himself slip and show Duo that he cared. Dr. J wouldn't like that. There was no room for caring in war, and he was made for war. Therefore, there was no room for caring within him. It was all perfectly logical.

"I said there's nothing wrong, Duo, so leave me alone." His words sounded cold, even to his own ears. He could barely keep himself from shuddering. Is that how I always sound? It seems I'm finding out a lot about myself today.

"Glory, Heero," Duo scowled. "You don't have to have an attitude about it." He looked at Heero pointedly, spitting out his next words with such vehemence and frustration it almost knocked Heero over. "Do us all a favor, and stop acting like the perfect asshole."

Heero blinked once, then twice, not liking it one bit as the words registered in his mind and Duo walked away.

"Wait," Heero called softly, so softly that he wasn't even sure if Duo heard him. But Duo stopped, so he assumed he did. He desperately didn't wan Duo to leave yet. He wanted to hear Duo say his name again. It sounded so good coming from him. He wanted to see his eyes again. Duo turned around, looking to the side and seeming for all the world like he'd walk over and rip Heero's head off if he didn't have a good excuse for calling him back. Heero, so caught up in his longings, missed the unshed tears in Duo's eyes.

"What?" Duo's voice held a note of annoyance in it, and Heero didn't even bother with the fact that he had put it there. It wasn't true unless he said it. He took a deep breath.

"There is something bothering me, but I can't tell you. I can't tell anyone. Understand?"

[And I could never promise
To be any of those things]

Duo slowly turned his head to face him. Heero almost immediately lost himself within the violet depths, but he carefully kept his face emotionless. Impassive. Perfect. Dr. J would have been proud.

"And why not, Heero?" Duo was still annoyed.

Don't look him in the eye, don't look him in the eye, Heero told himself. But he was already too far gone. He loved those eyes.

"Because I can't even tell myself."

[If I was not so weak
If I was not so cold]

Duo blinked, a skeptical look crossing his features. "Can't even tell yourself," he echoed questioningly. "Why's that?"

Heero swallowed painfully. Don't tell him, he warned himself. But that worked just as well as when he told himself not to look Duo in the eye. Pointless.

"Because then I'll know it's true. And if I know it's true, I can't stop it. And that would be...bad. An endangerment to the mission, even." Good save, Heero.

[If I was not so scared of being broken]

Duo threw his hands in the air angrily. "An endangerment to the mission? Heero, did you ever stop to think that there's more to life than the mission?"

... Bad save, Heero. He made a slight, quiet whimpering noise in the back of his throat, though too softly for it to reach Duo's ears. Lowering his voice and his eyes, he hung his head and said,

"No. Because if I did, I'd know it's true, and there would be no stopping it, and..." He trailed off, not quite knowing the end of it himself.

[Growing old
I would be
I would be]

When he could bring himself to look back up, he noticed Duo's eyes were softer than they had been, though still annoyed. He swallowed again, his heart rate increasing tenfold as Duo touched his shoulder very lightly, so softly he could hardly feel it, but it was enough to make his entire system go crazy.

"Heero, what is it? It's okay to tell me, man. It's not true if you say so, okay? So you can tell me, it's all right. Okay, buddy?" Duo's voice was soft and soothing, and it almost made Heero forget all of his training. But not quite.

"No," he said, still very quiet. If you don't say it, it's not true, his mind echoed faintly. You can save yourself, Heero. Save yourself from loving someone. Because it's not true. It's not...

Duo took his hand away, and Heero instantly missed his touch. But he told himself he didn't. It isn't true if you don't say it is.

"Heero." Duo's voice was colder now. But Heero still thought his name sounded nice coming from it. "Tell me."

It isn't true, Heero. It isn't.

[Blessed are the shallow
Depth they'll never find
In rooms I try to hide]

Heero's body detached from his mind again, and he was faintly amused when he started talking without his consent. His voice cracked from emotion he knew wasn't supposed to be there.

"If I tell you, you won't like it. And then I'll know it's--"

"I know, I know," Duo cut in, rolling his eyes. His beautiful violet eyes. "And then you'll know it's true, and you won't be able to stop it, blah blah blah." He touched Heero's shoulder again, firmer this time, and forced Heero to look at him. "But really, ask yourself, would it be so bad if you couldn't stop it?"

Heero's hands finally started shaking. "No," he admitted grudgingly, "but you still wouldn't like it."

[Exposed beyond the shadows
You take the cup from me]

Duo smiled kindly, and Heero suddenly had to remind himself to breathe.

"You don't know that," Duo said.

Heero sighed inaudibly, his shoulders sagging as he gave into what seemed like the inevitable.

"But you won't like it," Heero persisted once more, before looking at Duo once more. "You won't like it," he stated again.

[Your pain becomes my peace]

Duo said nothing. Heero looked at the floor. He was never one to be shy, but apparently there's a first for everything.

"I'm not supposed to care for anyone," Heero said, his voice dropping low again. "But I care for you, Duo." He said his name with more emotion than any other word, hoping somewhere in the back of his mind that Duo liked it when he said his name, too. Duo didn't respond. "I told you you wouldn't like it," he grumbled.

The next thing he became aware of was that Duo had taken hold of his hand and was squeezing it lightly. Heero looked up to find that he was smiling, and he finally noticed the tears shining in Duo's violet eyes, and knew that Duo was too proud to shed them. So instead Heero gingerly ran his thumb along Duo's cheek bone where the tears would have fallen, but returned his hand to his side immediately after. Duo laughed again. It's not true until you say it...

[I would be
I would be]

He was glad he'd said it.

"You know Heero, for someone who's as uptight as you, you're awfully..."

Duo studied his face for a moment, searching for the right word. Heero allowed himself a tiny smile at what Duo said next.

"Frail," he finished.

[Frail]

The End

(:./thyme/frail)