17-Sep-2004

Title:  Cork Board
Author:  Lasha Lee
Warnings: Weird?
Pairings: Open to imagination
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Part: This falls in with the Company Letters series, directly from the corkboard in the Company breakroom.

Cork Board by Lasha Lee

Next week we will kick off our "Feed The World" canned food drive. There will be a prize for employee who collects and donates the most canned goods. Please keep in mind that to be eligible for the prize your canned goods must be voluntarily donated; let's not have a repeat of the Safeway incident this year.

Please also keep in mind that only canned FOOD will be accepted. While some of the needy may indeed appreciate a 12-pack of Budlight more than a can of creamed corn, we ask that you refrain from donations of that type. Also, all cans must be properly labeled. Please, no mystery meals.

• For Sale: One computer, well-loved but still in excellent condition OR one boyfriend, also well-loved but still in excellent condition. Your choice! Boyfriend states that either the computer goes or he goes; please come by and pick out which one you would like. Will accept best offer.
• For Sale: Beautiful African lion cubs, weaned, all shots, parents on premises. Males $250, females $300.
• Job opportunity:  I am looking to hire an experienced man-servant to attend to my daily needs. You must be friendly, hirsute, love Allah, and be willing to travel. Excellent pay and benefits. Must not be allergic to lions.
• Request: Please do not park in the Employee of the Decade parking space unless you are the Employee of the Decade. This will prevent future damage to your tires and headlights, you dishonorable cur!
• Babysitter needed for my precious 8-year-old daughter. Non-smoker a must. Knowledge of hair-spray and styling products also a must. Must be firm as well as loving, as child tends to be a little strong-willed at times.
• Looking to buy: One man. Blue eyes/Japanese heritage a major plus! Will pay top dollar for combination of both! Must enjoy horseback riding, rescuing damsels in distress, and must have absolutely no interest in trigger-happy priests.

Note from Management: Lion cubs are not considered canned food and should not be placed in the donation box. Will the person who donated this lion please come to the front office to retrieve him? Thank you.

For sale: One katana, very sharp, will show tires as proof. $5.

To the person selling the katana: The police have been notified! I will expect it to be returned at once!

Back ache? Neck ache? Let me help! I am a licensed massage therapist and I guarantee satisfying results. I am tall, blond, and very masculine, and provide an experience that is completely orgas... organic. Stop by for a visit; you'll be glad you came.

Note from Management: Any employee attempting to sell themselves or any other employee on company time will be written up!

I want a dog. Do you have a dog you no longer want? Give me your dog. I promise I will take very good care of him, and always remember to feed him and walk him. Please do not tell my dad; he says I can't have one unless I promise to return the former government of Buruvia to power and step down as Supreme Ruler. So please make it our secret, okay?

Looking for you: you were the totally hot blonde woman in the pink halter top at the Company Picnic. I was the cop called to break up the riot. Please respond so we can get together.

To the Cop: The blonde woman in the pink halter top is my boyfriend, sorry. Please accept this lion to make up for any inconvenience you may have incurred as a result of this confusion.

Note from Management: Will the person who removed the entire box of donated canned goods from the front office return them immediately? A reminder that while your paychecks may not be as large as you would like, none of you qualify as 'needy'! Thank you.

The End

(:./lasha/budget5)