12-Jun-2000
Okay, I'm using Sea's nifty template, and although I thought I would make this a songfic, I decided to change my mind. I did use a snippet of a song. If someone has done a similar fic (I don't know why they wouldn't), I hope this doesn't bite too much. Okay, here we go--
Category: Angst, POV
Rating: PG
Pairings: None
Keywords: Angst (sounds DeathFiccy, but it really isn't)
Warnings: Mild language
Feedback: C&C
Notes: No spoilers really, unless you haven't seen the episode where
Quatre flips out
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing and its characters belongs to Bandai, Sunrise
and Sotsu Agency and are only being used for non profit entertainment
purposes.
"And I'm floating in a most peculiar way
And the stars look very different today" -Space Oddity, David Bowie
Damn, it's cold out here. Too cold. I don't know what was dumber, me trying to protect Heero Yuy (like he needs protecting) or me thinking that Quatre Winner wouldn't shoot at me. I wonder what made Quatre go loco. I know, of course. War. War gets to all of us at some time, but turning against the colonies is nothing short of insanity. I know the colonies aren't enamored with the Gundam pilots for the moment, but public opinions tend to change like the wind.
I don't think Heero will be able to rescue me. He's probably still battling with Quatre. Quatre, what's happened to you? I can't believe that Heero was right about not trusting you. I don't know how he managed to get the "bad feeling" while I remained happily clueless. I guess I let my personal feelings get in the way of that one, huh? Guess I won't have the chance to let that happen again.
What is the point of a space suit, it doesn't insulate you from the cold in space for more than a minute. And it's quiet out here. Too quiet. I know that's pretty funny coming from a quiet guy like myself, but this quiet is different. This quiet screams death. I did the good soldier thing and left final words. What the hell were they again? I can't remember. I think I was just talking to see if I could get Quatre to snap back to reason. I'm sure I made no damn sense at all. Not being a big talker, I can't imagine what I said. It could have been something as corny as "it is a far, far better thing I do that I've ever done before" crap or something as pithy as "see you in hell." No. I don't think I went pithy. I'm sure it was some rambling nonsensical combination of the two.
Why couldn't I have gone out in a blaze of glory like Heero almost did the first time he self-destructed. I'm sure he was only conscious for a minute before falling into the black abyss. The stars sure are beautiful tonight. If I weren't dying in them at this moment, I'd almost feel humbled. All I want to do right now is close my eyes and let the cold wash over me. Hmm, I'm not noticing the cold so much right now. That can't be a good sign. What a pathetic way to go ... floating in space waiting for hypothermia to set in. It's getting really hard to stay awake. Must fight this.
Hn. Why? Why fight it? I know I've been a survivor for all of my life but you have to admit this is pretty damn ridiculous! My life isn't even flashing before my eyes like everyone says is suppose to happen. Not that looking at the highlights of my life would be a pleasurable one. Only in this past year can I say I've ever been close to being happy. I made friends with the other pilots. I didn't think it was a necessary task. Fighting alone was what I was trained to do. But Quatre was the first to reach out his hand to me in friendship. I ran from it only to return again and again. Heero and Wufei were the next to offer the detached kind of friendship I valued and respected. Duo ... well what can you say about Duo. He's one of a kind.
Then there's Catherine. She's one crazed person. I don't know why she felt that it was her life's mission to take care of me. I've been taking care of myself for probably more years than she has but that doesn't stop her from trying to mother me. It's effective too. She stopped me from completing my suicide mission when the circus had to perform for OZ. I guess I'm just not used to having so many people care about me.
I don't think I can feel my fingers and toes anymore. I wish I would just lose consciousness already. Staring at the abyss of space waiting to die is starting to get pretty boring. If by some fluke of nature I survive this, I'm going to have to come up with a better way to die. Something quick and hopelessly painless. Although freezing to death is pretty painless, it's just taking too damn long.
Maybe if I try and shut my brain down that will do the trick. Damn. My brain is fighting me. Forcing me to reflect on my friends. Okay, if it will make you happy...
Quatre. I hope you find it in yourself to forgive yourself for killing me. I know that you care for me. You like me a bit more than just a friend. I feel the same about you. You have a forgiving, patient heart which is what attracts me to you. In my short life, I've never really encountered anyone like that. Don't let something like my death destroy the person that you are. Hey, was that what I told him in my parting words? I sure hope so. That sounds nice.
Heero. Go easy on Quatre. He really didn't know what he was doing. Don't feel the need to avenge me please. I'm not worth it and it will only wreck the tenuous connection we Gundam pilots have with each other. Remember you are my idol, don't kill the image I have of you as the consummate soldier. Think of this last act of mine as a tribute to you and your bravery.
Wufei. I hope you find whatever justice you think you have to be the keeper of. I worry about you sometimes. We all take failures badly but you and Heero tend to take them especially bad. Don't go self-destructing to prove a point. Stay true to yourself and your ideals without going overboard, ne?
Duo. I know my silences probably drove you more nuts than anyone. I appreciate that you wanted to know me and I'm sorry I was always so tight-lipped. It wasn't anything that you did or said, it's just my nature. Look after Quatre. He's going to need a good friend. While I'm sure Heero and Wufei will try to make him feel better, you are going to have to be the one to get through to him. Because you two are very similar in the fact that you care about people. Perhaps too much. Don't always hide behind the easy joke, let them see that you are just as serious as the rest. Just as dedicated.
Catherine. Thank you for caring about me most of all. The others have to care because we share a destiny together, but you are different. You took on the job of looking after me because I suspect you saw something in me. You probably saw the loneliness and solitude and decided I needed someone. Though I may look like I never appreciated it, I really did.
Ah, my brain is settling down now. I guess it means my conscious is clear. One more thing, I never mentioned a deity. Sorry, I'm not a great believer of such things. So I guess I should play it safe and say, God if you're out there, sorry I don't believe in you. If that condemns me to some sort of hell, I'm sorry. I think I'm ready for my nap now. Too bad it's so damn cold out here. And so quiet.
Owari
Okay, I'm ready for the criticisms. Let 'em rip.
(:./babaca/odyssey)
