03-May-2002
See Part 1 for all disclaimers, warnings, and whatnot
The ride to the hospital was a blur; I was practically scratching at the door, not bothering to buckle my seatbelt, my foot pressing down on the passenger side like that would make the car go faster.
Trowa glanced at me and when I looked over at him -- my hands clenching and unclenching on my knees, biting my lower lip so hard I was sucking blood out onto my tongue -- I saw what I was feeling reflected on his face. And it almost broke my heart.
"Can't you go any faster?"
"Not if you want to get there alive." He looked back at the road.
I pressed my foot harder to the floor.
The rest of the ride was a mess of my sweaty hands and my pounding heart and that look on Trowa's face every time I closed my eyes. I felt like I would go crazy, contemplating jumping from the car at every light.
"You know he's okay."
I scrunched myself into the corner of my seat, jamming my shoulder into the space between the seat and the door. "Yeah? How do I know? How do you know? Why do you have to fucking know everything?"
He glanced at me again. "Something Quatre told me once." His eyebrows drew together, and a soft smile curved his lips up. "I always thought he knew everything, too."
That smile was one I had seen countless times on Quatre's face when he talked about Trowa, but I couldn't decipher it. All I could think about was Heero, Heero, seeing him, and hearing his voice.
I thumped my head against the window, tugging on the end of my braid. "What's all this cryptic shit? Everyone's always so cryptic." I rolled my head to the side and watched the world slide by, not fast enough. "I feel like I should know. I can feel him, that he's there, but he feels wrong somehow." I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to hold down the anxiety that was squirming inside of me. "I- it scares me. But you can feel him. And that scares me, too."
A brittle laugh forced its way out of my throat. "Why am I telling you this?"
We pulled into the hospital in silence and I had the door open before Trowa had a chance to stop the car.
He grabbed my arm and tugged me back in, pinning me against the seat.
"You have to trust--"
"Heero? I trust Heero with my life! I trusted you, too, and Quatre trusts you..." My words got all lumped in my throat and I felt hysteria bubbling up in me.
"Quatre? What are you talking about?" He looked so genuinely confused, and I watched his eyes dart to look over my shoulder, towards Heero I guessed.
"Please," I rasped out. "I can't do this right now, okay?" I twisted away from him stumbled back, reaching my hand out to the glass front doors.
He just sat in the car, his face blank.
I turned and smoothed my hair and walked into the hospital.
Wufei was standing outside Heero's room when I burst past reception. He gave me a small, private smile and nodded.
"Is he okay? Has he spoken yet? What did the doctors say?"
"He's awake. The doctors are in there with him and so is Quatre. They don't want too many people in there at once, so..." he trailed off, looking over my shoulder.
I turned and watched Trowa approach, an impassive look on his face. He nodded to Wufei.
Cryptic shit. I hated that about them.
"Why don't the two of you go in and see him." Wufei grabbed my arm as I tried to rush past. "Duo, he's not..." he seemed to weigh his words. "He's not as you are used to him being."
"He's awake," I said. "That's good enough."
He let me go and I pushed into the room.
Again, there was the feeling that I thought I would walk in and Heero would be glaring at everyone in sight, yanking out tubes and setting off alarms. I grinned, imagining the look on the nurse's face when she had to come in to get to his catheter. Wufei tried to warn me, and all I could think was, this is Heero. Heero's different.
I know my smile faltered a little when I saw the reality. But I didn't stop plowing ahead, ignoring Quatre and the nurses and everyone.
Heero's eyes were open, scanning the room back and forth. My heart thumped once, hard, at the color, a color I thought I would never see again, a color that while etched in my heart was so much better with Heero's thought processes running behind it.
He locked eyes with mine, and suddenly the bed seemed too small to hold him, the machines looked ridiculous, like he was keeping them going and not the other way around. I didn't see sunken eyes, collarbones that stood out in sharp relief, straining against pale pale skin. I didn't see sweaty bangs plastered against his forehead, lips that were white and cracked with fever.
All I could see was Heero. Heero, seeing me.
He looked hazy, out of it, his eyes drifting closed and then snapping open, too bright because they looked unfocused. But he was looking at me, definitely looking only at me.
My heart stuttered.
"It's Duo," Quatre said from behind me.
"He knows who I am," I snapped, then winced.
Wufei was being me and he put a hand on my shoulder, pulling me back. "Duo." He turned me to look at him. "I know how upset you are," he said, his voice pitched low, almost angry. "But we all care for him. And Heero doesn't need your anger. He needs you strong."
I smiled tightly. "He can hear every word you're saying, you know." We both looked to Heero, who was staring at us from under heavy lids.
"Just be strong."
"I am."
Wufei nodded solemnly, and squeezed my shoulder. "I know."
Heero's eyes had drifted closed again, but they opened when I sat next to him. Before I could think, I took his hand between both of mine. "Hey."
Heero seemed to be unable to look at one place on me -- his eyes tracked back and forth, up and down, flickering with something that I couldn't possibly define. He finally settled on a spot somewhere around my throat, and then back up at my face. I tried not to act panicky when I saw a thread of tears leak out from the corners of his eyes.
I gently, discreetly, wiped them away. "You scared the hell out of me, you know."
Lids too heavy to stay open drooped, and I laughed softly. "It's okay to sleep. I just wanted to make sure you were awake." I swallowed the lump in my throat, dropped one hand to my thigh to pinch hard. "Wanted to see if I had to kick your bony ass back to the land of the living."
He seemed to be struggling to stay awake. "I'll be here tonight," I whispered. "So rest, okay?"
He finally gave in to it, fell asleep almost instantly.
I turned to Quatre and Wufei as the door opened and Trowa stepped in. I nodded at the door.
The hallway was bright and very quiet, the fluorescent lights buzzing above our heads. For a minute, I felt hysteria building in me, but I pushed it down. Wufei was right: this was not the way Heero needed me.
"What's his status?"
"Duo, maybe we should sit down."
I took a deep breath, Quatre's voice telling me all I needed to know without the details. "How bad is it."
"From the neck down," Wufei said, crisply, in his Chief Preventers Medical Examiner voice. "He's awake but they're not sure how bad the damage to his brain is. He can't speak and he needs the respirator to breathe." He paused. "They don't know if it's permanent."
"But."
Wufei nodded.
I looked up and knew my eyes were dry. "At least he's alive."
We all stood in silence, anger and relief and too much knowledge hanging in the air between us. For the first time since we had known each other, we had no idea what to do.
No. They had no idea. I did.
They didn't follow me back into the room. But an hour later when I looked up from counting Heero's breaths, I saw Trowa standing at the door, his head tipped back against the glass.
I woke to the sound of breathing, heavy, rough breathing; not mine, and not the mechanical sound of the respirator.
I jerked my head up and there was Heero, crouched in front of me. I blinked, scrubbed at my eyes.
"Heero?"
He slumped towards me, reaching out, his hands grabbing onto my jacket. I caught him and pulled him gently to me.
"Jesus! Heero, how are you-- Okay, okay, let me call someone."
He shook his head, his face drawn and pale and angry. So angry. His hands moved up, resting on my collarbones. Hard.
I squirmed back, not wanting to let him go. "Oh, god, Heero, they told me you were paralyzed." I blinked, my eyes burning, but there were no tears to stop. I felt strangely detached, like I couldn't express myself properly.
His legs, suddenly dead weights, pinned me to the plastic chair. There was a hard ridge jutting against my belly.
"Heero," I whispered, scared, but feeling heady, like I wasn't scared enough.
He pressed harder and I felt my collarbones bend and then snap.
I opened my mouth to scream but no sound came out. I struggled, but my limbs wouldn't listen to me.
Heero leaned forward and rested his forehead against mine, grinding my bones against each other. Fire raced down my arms and over Heero's shoulder -- bare now, I noticed hazily -- I could see a man-sized cat dressed in an OZ uniform watching us through the glass.
My mouth worked desperately, my throat straining.
I'm dreaming Jesus I'm dreaming please wake up please wake up make it stop
I jumped to my feet, my collarbones creaking in protest from being slept on all bent up wrong. Heero's eyes were half-open, and he was watching me almost sadly. It broke my heart and I blinked, like in the dream, only to find no tears waiting.
"Heero?"
He blinked, slowly, more of a fluid movement of thin eyelids drooping to meet his lower lashes and then raising again.
"Do you- do you know who I am?" My hands had gone cold, freezing, and my shoulders were locked with tension.
He blinked again, once, very deliberately. Then his lips moved, once, shaping something.
One word: 'How.'
"You got shot, do you remember?" I wanted to ask if he remembered me, if he remembered that morning, if I had moved in with him already or if I had moved myself in. I wanted to tell him he would be okay, that I loved him.
His brows drew together, like he was in pain and then his eyes closed again, his face going slack.
For a moment, I thought I had just watched him die, but the respirator still moved his lungs, and his heart beat strong and steady, recorded by the monitor above his head.
The door opened and a nurse bustled in. She smiled at me, sadly I thought. "Good morning, Agent." She looked at Heero. "Asleep again?"
I nodded at her -- Elaine, her name tag read -- and zipped up my jacket. "I'll be back later, okay?"
She nodded. "We have instructions to call Agent Chang if anything happens."
I had three hours before my meeting with Dr. Lee. I needed a shower and as I stepped out into the glaring sunlight my abdomen suddenly twinged and my stomach rumbled. I also needed to eat and piss, not necessarily in that order.
A cab pulled up, honked lightly, and as I got in and watched the glare slide across the windshield I felt like I wanted to cry again but there were no tears. Only calm and resolve.
I wondered what I would tell Dr. Lee when he asked. Because I'm pretty sure that's not normal.
Then again, when it came to Heero and me, nothing ever was.
End Part 6
(:./sparcck/tracing6)
