Date: June 2, 2001
Title: Tech Support
Author: Lasha Lee
Pairings: 1x2 Implied
Disclaimer. I don't own the GW characters
Warnings: Mild lime?
Notes: I'd like to say this whole thing is work of fiction, but it is not. As a grizzled tech support veteran, I've heard it all. (The last one on here is my favorite. Yes, it was a real call. Made all the bad ones well worth it)
"AOL Technical Support. This is Maria. How may I be of assistance today?"
"Yes, Maria. I'm having trouble logging into my account. I keep getting an error message that I don't have one."
"I can help you with that. May I have your account number?"
"8789987777."
"Thank you. One moment. I have discovered the problem. According to our records your account was terminated for using threatening language in one of our chatrooms."
"HUH?"
"Another user turned you in for telling him "You have enraged Shinigami. I am going to come over to your house and stuff a live chipmunk up your behind!"
"That's a lie! I never said that. I said I was going to stuff a rabbit up his behind!"
"Well, sir. I can restore your account on a probationary basis for 30 days. Any other reports of offensive behavior will result in a permanent cancellation."
"Fine." *click*
"Thanks for calling Sprint PCS. This is Tanya. How may I provide excellent customer service today?"
"LET ME SPEAK TO A SUPERVISOR!"
"Sir, I'll be happy to allow you to speak to a supervisor. First I will need to obtain a little information from you to determine what the problem is, however."
"LOOK WOMAN, I SAID I WANT A SUPERVISOR! ARE YOU DEAF OR JUST STUPID?"
"Sir, my supervisor will not take this call if I cannot give her an explanation of the problem before hand."
"HER? FOR ALL THE PROBLEMS I'VE HAD WITH THIS #$*&%# PHONE YOUR WHOLE ORGANIZATION MUST BE RUN BY WOMEN."
"Sir, I'd like to assist you in any way I can."
*click*
"Thanks for calling Hewlet-Packard Tech Support. This is Randy. How can I help you?"
"Randy? How randy are you, Randy?"
"How may I help you?"
"Do you know what I'm wearing, Randy?"
*silence* "No ma'am. This is Hewlet-Packard Tech Support."
"I'm wearing my birthday suit, Randy. I'm sitting here touching myself and thinking about you."
"Let me bring up your account."
"You don't know who I am, Randy. But I'm willing to teach you... everything."
"According to our Caller ID program, this is... Relena Peacecraft?"
*click*
"IBM Tech Support. Harold speaking. How can I help you?"
"You can help me, Harold, by explaining why this laptop that I paid over 300,000 Yen for isn't working.
"Okay, sir. I can help you with this. What problems are you having?"
"None of my icons will respond when I click on them. I can access programs through the start menu, but clicking on the icons does nothing. They just sit there. You better fix this for me or I'll kill you."
"Okay sir. Let's check a few things here."
*an hour later*
"No, nothing."
"Okay, sir. I want to try one more thing. I want you to pull up your display options and look at your wallpaper."
*clicking* Huh?
"What is it?"
"My wallpaper looks just like my desktop. It has the icons on it."
"Sir, I think I know what has happened. This is a common practical joke. Someone made a wallpaper to look like your desktop and deleted your real icons. So the icons you've been clicking on aren't real, they're just part of the picture."
"I'M GOING TO SLIT HIS THROAT!!!"
*click*
"Thank you for calling Sprint PCS. This is Samuel. How may I provide you with excellent customer service?"
"Well, if you do, Samuel, that would be the first time. The last girl I got there was extremely rude and then she hung up on me."
"Well, sir, I apologize for that. I'll be happy to assist you. May I have your name?"
"Chang Wufei."
"And your account password?"
"Why do you need to know that?"
"Sir, I need your password to access your account."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes sir."
"I was told not to give that out to anyone."
"Sir, we had you set it so you could verify it with us."
"Okay. It's 'rosebud'"
"Thank you. Now how can I assist you today?"
"My phone isn't working."
"Is it not turning on?"
"No, it turns on all right."
"Are you able to make or receive calls?"
"Yes."
"What features are you not able to use?"
"I TOLD you. It's not working. You're as bad as that woman!"
"Sir, you have said that you can make and receive calls with no trouble. I'm not understanding what isn't working."
"FORGET IT. YOU'RE ALL A BUNCH OF MORONS. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS INJUSTICE! HOW DARE YOU MOCK ME!!!!"
*click*
"Road Runner. How may I help you?"
"I'd like to sign up for service please."
"Certainly I can help you with that. May I have your name?"
"Trowa Barton."
"Ummm, Mr. Barton. I'm showing that you already have service with us, and have had it for some time now."
*silence* "Can I give you another name?" *sounds of papers being shuffled*
*click*
"Thank you for calling Amiga Technical Support. In order for us to access your account in a timely manner, please state your name clearly at the sound of the beep."
*beep*
"Quatre Raberba Winner."
"Please repeat."
"Quatre RABERBA Winner."
"Please repeat."
"QUATRE RABERBA WINNER!!!"
"Please repeat."
"QUATRE RABERBA WINNER AND I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOU!!!"
"One moment please."
*click*
"Microsoft Technical Support. This is Dorothy. How may I help you?"
"What are you wearing, Dorothy?"
"Relena??? Is this you???"
*click*
"Verizon Wireless. This is Kenny. How may I assist you today?"
*shouting noises in background.*
"Hello? How may I help you?"
*shouting turns to silence, and then moaning*
"Hello?"
*sound of bedsprings creaking. Moaning increases. Sounds of someone named Hee-chan being ordered to use more cotton candy. Sound of phone hitting the floor.*
"Thank you for calling Verizon Wireless."
*click*
The End
(:./lasha/support)
