19-Nov-2000
Warning: ANGST!
Pairing: 2+H, 2+1, 1+H
POV: Hilde
Disclaimer: I don't own the boys or the girl. The words in between are mine.
Archive: Anyone want to? Be my guest, just warn me before hand.
Oh! If you haven't figured it out by now (if you've been readin the rest of the fic) this all after EW, and its a little AU I guess. <shrugs>
So Heero and I spent roughly a month together before Duo finally came home. For two weeks of that we were lovers. I worried about that. I'm not Catholic, but Duo says I do the guilt part like a champ. Heero just shrugged the thought away with one lean shoulder and said we'd see. He also mentioned that our braided lover is hentai enough to like the idea. He's probably right.
I watched him stand in the kitchen watching the clouds drift by. I still wonder what he sees when looks at them. We still keep some of our demons private. We've never talked about what actually happened during the war. We have plenty of issues to deal with before that. But Heero was finding his balance, just when I was losing mine.
I wrapped my arms around his waist and nuzzled his neck. I had to go on tiptoe to do it. He tugged at the fingerless leather gloves I was wearing.
"I'm going to work."
"On Saturday?"
"It's the end of the month; I've gotta do the books."
"I'll go with you."
I rested my head against his broad back and sighed. I didn't want to go. "It'll get done faster if its just me."
He made a small 'hurmping' sound and crossed his arms over his chest. I think I insulted his male pride. The thought made me snicker. He twisted around in my arms to face me.
"Duo comes home today."
The nervousness that had been dancing around in my stomach went into a full-blown Irish jig.
"I know. We'll deal with it when he comes."
"You're running away."
"I am not." I really do need to get the books done and its easier when no one's bothering me with stupid shit."
He grinned and tweaked my nose. "You're cute when you're huffy."
I swore at him in German for a moment but it only made him chuckle. "I'm going to work."
He sort of smiled sort of smirked at me. "So German."
I stuck my tongue out at him. Immature as hell, but deeply satisfying.
I did get the books done. It took me five hours longer than usual and I seemed to have picked up an obsession with solitaire, but I got them done. Not only was my salvage yard in the clear, but we were actually making a profit. Nothing world-shaking like Quatre's but a nice profit. I slid my hands over my desk and sighed, some of the fun had gone out of running the yard. It wasn't a challenge any more; there was no fear in it any more. I crossed my arms and laid my head in them.
"Okashira?"
I turned my head to the gravelly voice. "Eh?"
One of my crew ambled up to me and sat at the edge of the desk. They always knew that they were welcome at any time. He was one of the Urban War survivors. He looked at me and cocked his head to one side. "Bored?"
"I just finished doing the financial shit for the month. I'm nearly comatose."
He just chuckled. I bitched about doing the books and all the paperwork, but I got a kick out of too. This was something that was mine. From start to finish it was mine. There wasn't a lot that I could put that type of claim to. "Ya bored with this? All of it?"
I blinked up at him from the sanctuary of my arms and then looked straight ahead. "No, yeah, maybe. I don't know."
He ruffled my hair for a moment. "We were just thinking that if you wanted out, well, we'd be for that. Ya want to do something different; we'd be up for that to."
I didn't quite know what to tell him. I just looked at him for a while and then looked back to my arms. "'Kay"
He got up to leave. "We just wanted you to know." I sat there for a long time. I sat there until the artificial light of the colony went into its night setting. I still didn't have any answers.
Duo's bike was in the drive when I got home.
A weight settled over my heart and I felt myself take that step back from everything, but I didn't know how to stop. I think I had been preparing to let go of them both since Heero arrived. I didn't see a place for myself within that closed circuit relationship. They didn't need anyone but each other. I was buying time on credit I didn't have. I guess I was about to pay for it.
I let myself in as quietly as I knew how, and that's pretty damned quiet. I could hear Duo's smooth tenor rippling over the silence. Biting my lip I crept down the hallway towards the kitchen and kept to the shadows.
"So the ojou-san sent you here, huh? Pretty smart of her. I didn't think that she'd ever let you go. It's not like her to admit that she can't do something on her own, and that includes saving you."
Duo sounded quietly amused and a little impressed. There was a type of mild affection in his voice--elder brotherly almost. Heero's response was too quiet for me to make out. Duo laughed though. His laughter was a tangible thing, like a warm blanket you could wrap around yourself. It felt like velvet.
"I guess, ojou-san's plate seems just a little full right now."
Heero made some comment and I caught my name. I pulled farther back into the shadows lurking in the hallway.
"Relena wants Hilde for that job? No way, man. She won't do it. You'd have a better chance of prying Noin from Zechs than you would Hilde from her salvage yard. She's as focused on that as Wu-man is to justice."
I wasn't sure but I thought I heard disdain in Duo's rich voice. There seemed to be a shorting to his rolling vowels, a harshness to the way he ended his words. He seemed bitter almost. I felt my hackles rise and didn't know why.
"Yeah, I guess she's got the training. But Hilde? Nah."
"You underestimate her."
I wanted to kiss Heero. I never understood why Duo was always so quick to dismiss my combat ability. It was infuriating the way he always assumed that he had to protect me, just because I needed help once. I missed Duo's first words in my angry little reflection, but I tuned in when he said my name.
"...really, Hilde is a great girl and all."
Wow, Duo, you don't have to get all worked up on my account. Save some of your enthusiasm for something more important than me. He sounded resigned. Sensitive? Who me?
From my little nook in the shadows I saw Duo wander across the kitchen to wrap his arms around Heero's waist the way I had this morning and kiss Heero's neck. He had an easier time reaching. Must be nice, being tall. Heero murmured something, and Duo sighed.
"I love you. I'm not angry, I could never be angry with my lovers."
It felt like someone had hit my upside the head with a two by four as if my head were a baseball. My ears were ringing I couldn't hear what else that man said. I backed away and crept to my room.
With the door firmly closed, I slowly slid down the door until my butt was on the floor. Duo gave Heero the words. Three years with him and he had never even once hinted at saying them to me. Never once did it slip. He acted as if I were just a given. A part of his life that he expected but it sure as hell didn't seem as if he cared if I was around or not. I was just a girl. I was the girl. His little token of normalcy. I was just around to prove that he was perfectly fine and well adjusted. I was there to show that everything was just fine. Well everything was fine. I wasn't fine.
I rubbed my palms against my eyes and swore in lowland German. I wanted to scream. I wanted to drop to my knees and wail. I wanted to reach out and shake Duo until he told me why. Told me why I wasn't good enough for him to love. I wanted him to tell me why I was good enough to fuck but not to love. But I did none of those things. I opened my hand communicator and made a call.
Noin's image was a little bouncy but it cleared after a moment. "Hilde?"
"Sorry it took so long for me to get back to you, but I've got your answer."
Noin looked startled and then pleased. "Let me get Relena-sama on the line. She'll want to talk to you."
I held my breath and listened down the hall. Nothing. Good.
Relena blinked owlishly at me from the tiny screen. "Hilde, I'm so pleased you responded. I was worried."
"I had to think for a while."
"I understand." Her sudden smile was impressive, even over the shitty imaging. "I hope you don't mind, but I did some research on your salvage yard. I can understand why my sudden actions gave you reason to doubt me."
I blinked at the com-link, unless I was mistaken Relena was implying that she knew what a mess he had handed me in the form of Heero Yuy. And she was sorry for it. Maybe blondie wasn't as bad as I had been thinking.
I took a breath. "I'll take the job."
Relena put her hands on the table. "Excellent. I'll tell Wufei that our new Chief of Special Investigations will be arriving shortly. He'll be pleased you accepted. It was his idea to ask you."
WHAAAA? I didn't articulate anything, but my mind had gone into overdrive. Chang Wufei had become the Minister for the Justice department. I wondered how often she had her head together with him. I hadn't heard anything about this idea, it must have been something they had been joint planning for a while. I had a devious little thought. Chang and Relena would be a good pair. Step away from the matchmaking, Hilde! Just because your life is in ruins doesn't mean that you need to ruin everyone else's.
Relena had stopped during my little interlude. She smiled at me again. "Startling I know. But both Wufei," 'Wufei', my, aren't we nice and close. I wonder if she noticed that her voice warmed when she mentioned his name. "And I believe that the new government is not really equipped to deal with the rise in crimes that cross both national boundaries here on Earth but also in space and between Earth and space. He and I have discussed creating an agency that would work between our two departments and would deal with those crimes that require more than the local police forces can give."
"Pretty broad, Rel." I liked the idea. I liked the idea of doing police work, but with almost free reign. The mission of this department was going to be huge. Sounded like fun. "I'll do it."
Relena clapped her hands girlishly. Sometimes it was easy to forget that we were all only 18 or 19 years old. "Oh good. When can you come? We have offices, but you have next to no staff. No structure."
"No nothing."
"Pretty much. I'm sorry for dropping you into this."
"Don't worry about it." I think I was jumping out of the pan and was currently praying that I wasn't going to land in the fire. Well, the crew wanted a new challenge. I think I had just found us one. They'd like playing EDD boys. Really. Right?
Relena chewed on her fingernail. "I'm really sorry to drop you into this mess without any safety net."
"Stop apologizing. I'll be there in tomorrow morning. Can you have someone make arrangements for a place for me to stay until I can find an apartment?"
"What?" Reelena seemed a little startled. "Of course. So soon, Hilde?"
"Yeah."
Her eyes held a quality of understanding that made me squirm. "I won't claim to understand, Hilde, but you can't run from them."
The smile I gave her was bitter. "Watch me." Then I hung up. I started to pack with the automatic movement I had learned from bouncing around with OZ.
Duo came in when I was almost done. All I had left to pack were the guns.
"Hey babe," He leaned against the doorframe with and easy smile. "I'm home."
"I noticed." I kept packing, not looking up. I didn't want to see him. Something took another step back from the situation.
"Watchya doin' babe?" He crouched down beside me to watch.
"Packing."
He blew at his bangs in a gesture that I had learned to interpret as one of annoyance. "I got that much, Hilde, but why?"
I looked at him dead in the eyes and felt calm. I felt so calm I was cold. The anger was gone, in fact, I discovered I didn't feel at all. Was it supposed to be like this? I shivered when I stood up. I knew he was watching me move about the room. Eventually he'd start to chatter. As nature abhors a void, Duo Maxwell hates silence.
"You haven't answered the question." His voice held an odd note of seriousness, and this funny note of something else that I couldn't quite place. I picked up the smooth leather case that held my twin Browning Hi-powers. The Berretta was too big to wear without getting noticed. I still couldn't break myself of the need to be armed. I flipped the case open and shot my answer over my shoulder.
"Heero told you about Noin's call, didn't he? Well, I took the job."
The look of utter shook on his face came as a surprise to me. We blinked at each other. I didn't expect him to look like I had just brained him one. I hadn't expected him to look at me with lost amethyst eyes. His mouth was working but nothing was coming out. I knelt next to him, balancing on the balls of my feet. I repeated myself slowly. "I took the job."
He blinked very slowly. There was a look in his eyes that I didn't understand. "Why, Hilde?"
I shrugged.
"Why are you leaving? Yu have everything right here on L2. Your salvage yard, the house... Everything." His voice trailed away. I wanted to ask him why he didn't include himself, but I didn't. It was just another sign that I wasn't really anything all that special to him. There was a look on his face that I'd seen once before but had never really been able to figure out. I kissed him lightly. "-You-," I stressed, "Have everything that you want here. At least you do now."
He fidgeted with his braid. "How long have you known?"
"About you and Heero?" Or how long have I known that you don't love me?"
"Always I think." He just looked at me. "I'm a girl, Duo, not an idiot." And I'm not going to act like one by hanging onto something I can't have.
Duo seemed to be having problems processing all of this. Whatever reaction he expected out of me this wasn't it. I was a little afraid myself, honestly. The anger had dwindled away to only smoke and ashes. I was so calm I was chilly. Everything seemed sharper, but further away. I felt like I was watching a bad movie.
"I'm letting you go, Duo." I picked up my bag and slung the standard military issue duffle over my shoulder. "I guess it was just a matter of time. I had one hell of a good time. I wish we were one of those forever couples, but we aren't. You and Heero though, I think you two are."
Was it supposed to be this easy?
Why am I so cold?
"You're leaving, just like that?"
"Well, not just like that." I walked out of the room. Why was it so hard to breathe? "I need you to send some stuff, but it shouldn't be much."
"But your salvage yard." Duo's voice had a strange note that could have been panic. Guess he really didn't want to run the place.
"Don't worry about it. I've got it covered."
I stepped around him when he got in front of me in the living room. I glanced back at him. He was looking at me like I had grown a second head. Funny, I thought he'd be happy, not confused. I shrugged it away and kissed his cheek. I told him I'd call when I got to Earth. Habit, I guess. He just looked at me without a word. I picked up the bag in slow motion and walked out the door. I stared at the door for a long time when I closed it. Why was Duo looking at me like that?
I turned around from closing the door and bumped right into Heero.
"Umph." I rubbed my nose.
"You're running away."
"Why does everyone say that?" I glared up into his eyes defiantly. "I'm not running away. I just know when to let go. I'm not going to fight a battle I can't win."
Heero shook his head. "He just got home, you haven't even listened to him explain anything. You're running away. Why are you so scared?"
"Don't start with the being scared of my emotions crap. You're a good one to talk." I tried to step around him, but he blocked me. It was too hard to push him out of the away loaded down with bags.
"I'm learning. Why are you leaving us? It's not just him. It's me as well."
I looked up at him. Why was it that I felt like I was watching one of those old black and white movies? Except if I didn't get on the plane everyone else would regret it. Maybe not now, but someday. "He loves you, not me. You love him, not me. In a threesome there is always one that gets left out when the other two fall deeper in love. I'm just leaving now before that can happen."
That look that was in Duo's eyes had snuck into Heero's. "You don't know that."
"I'm not going to lie to myself. Let. Me. Go."
He stepped out of my way, and dropped his hands to his side. I walked away. I just got in the car and left without a word.
I'm not running. It's just a pre-emptive retreat.
The End
Owari
(:./dan/prices5)
