Disclaimer: Gundam Wing and the G-boys are someone else's property. I'm just renting them.
I watch him sleep.
I love him. I don't know exactly when I admitted that to myself. I know that the feelings had existed for a long time before I knew what they were. It started when he rescued me from the OZ hospital. I might have died there. I certainly tried, refusing to open my parachute.
Heero no baka, he's often told me, whenever he is reminded of that. He always smacks me. I think that, even though he pretends it's funny, it scared him.
Did he already know how he felt about me? I don't believe in love at first sight. It is biologically impossible. But, it isn't impossible that maybe what he had seen of me, he had liked... enough to give himself to me before I even realised what I was receiving. I often wonder about that, at night, as he lays in my arms. I never hold him; he always squirms into my embrace just as he falls asleep, and I never have the strength to push him away. He is warm. He is entirely too lovely. And even though his eyes are closed, I know his heart is in them.
Does he know that I love him? I haven't ever told him. The words stick in my throat. I have tried, but it's one mission I haven't been able to complete. Love comes so easily to him. He showers affection like pennies, plentiful and shining brightly. He tells me he loves me in so many different ways: a spontaneous embrace as he steps out of the shower, skin slicked with water and heat and eyes luminous behind his waterfall of silken hair; a foot caressing my ankle beneath the table in a school cafeteria, silent so I won't be embarrassed but gentle and with a secret smile on his face, just for me; in the way he never says the words, either, knowing it would make me uncomfortable, but instead by kissing me tenderly and slowly in lovemaking, all his brilliance captured into the act of telling me without speaking that there is nowhere he'd rather be but in my bed. But does he know that my bed is the only place I ever want him to be? With me. Forever.
Forever is a frightening word for me. Me, Heero Yuy, pilot, perfect soldier. War, death, pain, it doesn't frighten me. Losing Duo frightens me. Keeping Duo, that frightens me. I know I will die if he does. He is stronger than me, I know that he would live, and move on, and never lose his faith in life. Not me. I honestly believe that my heart would stop. And I would want it to. But that isn't so surprising. I heard Quatre confess that he feels the same about Trowa. When you lose your other half, life would be agony. Why, then, am I frightened of laying beside Duo for at night for the rest of my life, watching him in slumber? I think--I think because I have never felt something this big before. I live my life in short spans. In short missions. Destroy a base; my life eclipses perhaps six hours. Infiltrate an OZ-controlled facility and gather information on the enemy; my life extends in visible measure, two weeks, a month. I will wake in the morning beside Duo as long as this war lasts. At the most, a few years.
But forever?
I cannot comprehend the enormity of it. Do I love him enough to fill eternity? I think I do. But can I live through it?
I sigh, and touch his parted lips. He is my angel. I would die without him. I would die for him. I would die if I could not bear to live with him. He shivers, chilled for a moment, and leans his head against my chest, seeking my warmth. He breathes my name. I hear the love in his sleep-husky voice.
I watch him sleep.
End Part 1
(:./erin/sleep1)
