14-Dec-2004
Title: Memory's Bliss
Author: tkmaxwell777
Blood Type: Amaretto Sour
Category: Shonen Ai/Yaoi
Pairings: 1+2/2x1
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Angst, Lemon, Post EW, Sap, Song-fic (//blah// = lyrics)
Archived: Yep! www.gwaddiction.com
TK Maxwell Original Christian and Yaoi Fiction - http://writing.com/authors/tkmaxwell
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or its characters. Bandai, Sotsu, Sunrise, and the original Japanese creators do. This story is a parody of their defined universe and is in no way an official continuation of the original story. I consider all underage characters engaging in sexual activity to be Emancipated Minors or social equivalents under military service. This story is for entertainment purposes only. It is a fantasy and should not be read as a realistic representation of actual romantic relationships. Content is not intended to condone or condemn any of the lifestyles or viewpoints portrayed through the characters. I make no money at this. I write only for the pleasure of feedback! I don't own 'Set Adrift On Memory's Bliss' either - it belongs to Backstreet Boys and affiliated parties.
Notes: Hey guys! Believe it or not, I finally finished something I've been working on for a while :) *breaks out the confetti* Yay! For those of you who have emailed/pm'd me, sorry I haven't responded yet. I will, I promise. The holidays are keeping me so busy, and I'm pretty tired most of the time on top of that, so I'm sure you can imagine how that's affecting me getting my Christmas shopping done *lol* Anyway, I just wanted to share this with you. It's angsty at the beginning (believe it or not), but this song just would not leave me alone, and it demanded some painful introspection. Enjoy!
//The candle plays the hourglass
The days go and all I do is think of you
And wonder where you are at night//
Heero sat on his couch, his untouched cup of green tea on the coffee table. The music played in the background, a melancholy merging of lyrics and voices that echoed his emotions at the moment. He'd never really been one to be depressed; even when he'd killed the pacifist leaders in the war, he'd been more angry than anything, dealing with the guilt in the only way he'd known how - giving the family members the opportunity to serve justice on him. This was a completely different situation, and he felt powerless. His mind went over again the situation that had brought him to this point - alone and miserable. Why hadn't he told Duo that he wanted him to stay? Why hadn't he stopped the braided man from transferring to one of the colonies in the L2 cluster? Why hadn't he told his partner how he felt instead of hiding it, not only from Duo but also from himself?
//I remember everything
Every smile, and even all the reasons why
You say I pushed you out of my life//
He could remember the conversation they'd had two months ago, the shock and fear that he'd felt grip his heart, and the hurt look that had crossed Duo's face when Heero had told the other man that he would be fine if Duo wanted to move away. It had been a lie - a damning lie that had shattered his world - but Heero wasn't in the habit of needing anyone, and he didn't know how to even verbalize how much he'd come to need Duo without sounding pathetic. He wasn't fine without his partner. He wondered it he'd ever be fine again. He missed the man he'd been working with for the past three years at Preventers. He missed the way Duo always brightened his day with a joke, even though the former Wing pilot never laughed. He missed how Duo knew when he needed a break and ran out to get them both a Chai, even though Heero never showed how much it meant to him. He just missed Duo.
//Set adrift on memory's bliss of you//
Heero dropped his head into his hands, feeling the loneliness overwhelm him. It had been seven weeks - seven unbearable weeks since he'd seen Duo. It felt like a hundred years. He thought about the way they'd first met and how Duo had shot him to protect Relena. He thought about how he and Duo had ended up at the same school on that one mission, and the challenge of the companionable rivalry Duo had started. He thought about why he hadn't been able to kill Duo when the other man had been captured, rescuing him instead because his heart had told him it was the right thing to do. That had all been during the war, but it seemed like yesterday now.
He thought about how happy Duo had been when he'd joined Preventers and was partnered with Heero, saying that they were destined to wreak havoc together. He thought about the way they'd been there for each other on missions, and why they had spent many nights in Heero's apartment under the guise of planning missions and doing mission reports when they could have done them over the phone together. He knew now that it was because neither of them had wanted to be alone. He'd known even back then that his feelings were stronger than he wanted to admit. Now, he was paying for his repression.
//Destiny is everything
Reality's replaced you with
The biggest empty void
I've ever had in life (ever had in life)//
He'd tried to give his new partner a chance, but after three weeks of continual discord, the man had requested a different assignment. Heero knew that he was hard to deal with, completely unreasonable about some things, and just outright stubborn about how he thought missions should be handled. Duo had understood his reasons, making allowances when he could, and arguing with Heero when the braided man knew he was right about something until Heero realized it too. It had been a fine balance that Heero just couldn't seem to find with anyone else. Wufei had been on a few missions with him lately, and that had been as close as he'd come to feeling like he had with Duo as his partner. The problem was that Wufei was assigned to Sally, and their relationship reminded Heero even more sharply of what he'd lost when he'd let Duo walk out of his life. It was a mistake that he didn't know how to fix.
//Bet you say that I don't care
I bet you say that I don't even think of you
But God knows how wrong you are//
One email had been the only contact Duo had made with him. It had told Heero that Duo had arrived on the colony and was staying at a hotel until he could find an apartment. The message had made it clear that Duo had begun his new life. Heero had replied back, wanting to say so many things, but only telling Duo that he was glad he'd gotten there safely and that he should keep in touch as time permitted. The confirmation that Duo had read the email was the only response Heero had received, as if the other man was trying to tell Heero that he wasn't going to be part of Duo's new life. Heero looked around his own apartment and wanted to scream that he couldn't take being shut out of the braided man's life, but it was obvious that Duo had moved on without him. Heero just couldn't let go of the memories that haunted him and the emptiness that the other man leaving had created inside Heero's heart.
//(Baby will you be there)
Baby will be there
(When the morning comes)
Just give me time (just give me time)
To fix my life (to fix my life)
Baby will you be there
When I open my eyes
After all the time I've spent
Why should you?//
Heero reached out and picked up the now-cold cup of tea, sipping on it to calm his stomach. His eyes flitted to the clock, and he realized that he would normally be getting ready for bed while Duo complained that they needed to relax and enjoy the last few hours of the weekend. They had hung out a lot on the weekends, Duo even spending the night on Heero's couch when he didn't want to trudge back to his place a few blocks away. They'd even had to get ready for work at the same time more than once when Duo had stayed over. Heero didn't even know if he was going to work tomorrow. His resignation letter was printed out, just waiting to be signed, but he couldn't seem to make himself turn it in. He hadn't slept well in weeks and had taken a sick day on Friday because he couldn't get out of bed. He hadn't eaten more than Ramen noodles or been out of the apartment since Thursday. He'd sat on his couch, listening to the CD that Duo had let him borrow months ago, over and over again, wearing pajama bottoms and an old tee shirt that he'd slept in for the past three days. Nothing mattered anymore. On the outside, he'd acted like nothing was wrong; being his usual reserved self. On the inside, he'd been crying, and he didn't know how much long it would be until his soul drowned. He was at his breaking point.
//Baby you set me
Baby you set me
Set adrift on memory's bliss of you//
Heero clenched his fists. Damn his training! Damn it to hell with all of the other things that had made him unable to tell the one person who was special to him how he felt. How many times had Duo given him an opening? The Preventer's Christmas party when Duo had went around the office with mistletoe so he could kiss everyone, New Year's Eve at Relena's last year when he'd stood by Heero as the clock had struck midnight, Duo's self-appointed birthday when Duo had gone back to Heero's place 'for a night cap' after the celebration at Quatre's? Heero could have let Duo kiss him at Christmas instead of pulling away. He could have grabbed Duo and kissed him on New Year's. He could have given Duo a birthday present that the braided man would have never forgotten - his body, heart, and soul. He could have, but he hadn't.
//Sadness has overwhelmed me
My mind flies and carelessly
Imagines that you're happy
With your life right now//
Was Duo out with someone right now? Was he laughing and slinging his arm around the person's shoulder while telling a joke? Was he kissing someone? Holding someone? Loving someone right now while Heero just wished for a chance to do those things? Heero closed his eyes. He tried not to think about it, but his imagination seemed perfectly willing to conjure all kinds of mental pictures for him - of some nameless person writhing underneath the braided man, crying out Duo's name wantonly as he pleasured his lover's body. Heero hadn't always wanted Duo like that, but since his partner had left, dreams and fantasies had filled Heero's mind day and night. Would Duo be as loud in bed as he was in everything else? Would he moan uncontrollably while making love? Would he touch his lover's body like he had the controls of his Gundam? The questions were endless, and Heero had no answers.
//I guess that's just the way it goes
Forever's gone so now I must
Place you with all the things
That I can never have//
Sighing to himself, Heero went to turn off the stereo. He'd been playing the same song for the past few hours, but as he stood there, he just couldn't flip the switch. When had he become so helpless? He had fought endless numbers of enemy mobile suits, but he couldn't face a life without his friend. Taking a deep breath, Heero decided that he had to do something about the man he'd let slip through his fingers; his depression was eating him alive. There had to be a way to rectify his mistakes or he would self-destruct. He really needed sleep, only managing increments of one or two hours at the time. He couldn't stomach anything but soup, which was why he'd been drinking the tea, hoping it would settle it so he could keep down something more substantial. His eyes went to his resignation, and he sighed and walked over to the desk, picking up a pen. He would go see Duo and tell him how he felt. Nothing could be as bad as what he was going through right now, not even rejection. Duo had been his friend for a long time, so surely his former partner would understand, maybe even let Heero stay. Heero could get another job. He could find an apartment nearby. He could... his trembling fingers dropped the pen as he fell to his knees on the carpet.
"I can't do this," he whispered in an anguished voice. "I can't, Duo... but I need you."
//Set adrift on memory's bliss of you//
The knock at the door startled him. He didn't want to answer it, but he managed to get to his feet. He didn't bother to look out the peephole. It didn't matter who it was anyway. The only person that he wanted to see right then was two colony-clusters away, enjoying his new life while Heero wallowed in misery. He was a little angry over that. His hand was shaking as he reached for the knob. He hesitated a moment, wondering if he shouldn't just pretend he wasn't home. The knock sounded again, making him even angrie, but with the person on the other side instead of Duo. Didn't the idiot realize that Heero's world was falling apart? What the hell could they possible want? He closed his eyes, took a deep breath to calm himself, and then opened the door.
"Took you long enough. Were you in bed or something? I know it's a work-day tomorrow, but it's still early."
Heero stared as blue-violet eyes roamed over him in assessment, his heart beating wildly as he whispered, "Duo."
The braided man met his gaze. "What the hell happened, Heero? You look like shit, man. Are you okay?"
Heero tried to choke back the sob, but it came out anyway. "No."
Duo was suddenly holding him up. Heero hadn't even realized that his legs had given out on him, but his friend's arms felt good around him. "I've got you," the other man said. "What's wrong? Are you sick?"
Heero's throat locked up. He knew he was wasting another chance, but he couldn't say anything. His eyes took in the familiar face, memorizing every line, wanting to stay in his arms forever. He tried to get his mouth to work, his heart screaming for him to tell Duo the truth. For once his body and mind were too exhausted to fight his feelings.
"I was going to come see you, but I didn't know if you'd want me to," he began shakily.
"Oh yeah?" Duo asked, unable to keep the smile off his face. "Well, I beat you to it, huh? It's a good thing too since you don't look like you should be going anywhere right now." He seemed to process the rest of Heero's statement and added, "Why the hell would you think I wouldn't want to see you? What's going on, buddy?"
"I missed you," Heero told him, his hands clutching at Duo's arms.
Duo looked pleased yet confused at the same time. "You did?"
Heero nodded. He fumbled for the words for a moment and then just blurted out, "I don't want you to go. I know it's too late to tell you, but I don't want you to leave again. I can't... I can't... "
"You can't what?" Duo asked, the pleased expression turning into one of concern.
"I can't live this way... without you here. I don't want to go to work. I can't sleep. I haven't been able to eat... "
Duo's looked surprised. "Why didn't you call me?"
Heero didn't care if he was embarrassing himself. All that mattered was not letting Duo walk out of his life again. "I didn't want to ruin your new life," he explained. It was getting easier to say these things the longer he talked. "You only sent me one email. I thought you didn't want to be reminded of what you left behind... of who you left behind." He looked away, once again feeling the pain of being alone. "I don't like my new life."
"I'm sorry, Heero," Duo whispered. Heero wasn't sure he even realized he'd said it out loud, because the braided man then said, "I didn't think you'd miss me this much. I figured you'd be glad to get rid of me. I only seem to annoy you, and I thought it would be better for both of us if I left."
"I didn't want you to leave!" Heero practically shouted. "Please... I won't push you away anymore, I promise. I'll try to laugh at your jokes, and I'll smile when you bring me Chai, and I'll spend the last hours of the weekend playing video games with you, and I'll be the kind of friend that you want... just don't leave me again... please..."
"Hey, it's okay," Duo replied, as his hand settled on Heero's shoulder. "I don't want you to change just because you're afraid of me leaving. You are the kind of friend I want, Heero."
Heero shook his head, collapsing against his former partner's chest. "No, I'm not. I try to hide how I feel all the time. When you left, I couldn't... I wanted to tell you to not go... then you didn't email me back... "
"I didn't mean to make you think I didn't want to be friends anymore," Duo told him. "I was trying to get used to being away from you, and I figured you needed time to break in your new partner before I bothered you."
"You aren't a bother," the dark haired man growled. "I was stupid to make you think that. It was nothing but fear that kept me from admitting how much I wanted things I didn't think I should. I always liked spending time with you, how you tried to make me laugh, and the way you did things for me for no reason. I never told you, but I did. You bring out the best in me, Duo. I didn't know that until you went away... I didn't know..."
"Shhh," Duo soothed, rubbing Heero's back comfortingly. "I know. I've been feeling the same way. That's why I came back." He pulled away to give Heero a smile. "I asked to get transferred back as your partner when I found out you chased away your new one. I couldn't deal with working without you either. I missed you too, Heero."
Heero searched his face, knowing that Duo didn't lie, but still not believing what he was hearing. "You did?"
Duo looked at him from under his bangs sheepishly. "Yeah, so I'd like to be your partner again... if you don't mind. As for being your friend, I never stopped."
"Whatever you want," Heero said quickly, "it's yours - partners, friends, even..." He paused, knowing he had to tell Duo, but afraid it would make him angry that Heero would even think about him in a sexual way.
"Even?" The braided man prodded, somehow sensing it was important.
Heero took a deep breath, bracing himself for rejection. "Even... lovers."
Duo blinked at him. "Lovers? What do you mean?"
"I know you probably don't feel that way about me, but if you ever could... " The dark haired man faltered but then struggled on, "I mean I wouldn't be opposed to... " He felt his face go hot, but Duo needed to know the extent of his feelings. "I never thought about you like that before you left, but I can't seem to quit thinking about it now."
"Shit," Duo said, obviously shocked.
Heero closed his eyes, disappointment filling him. He'd known there was a chance that Duo would be upset about it, but he'd hoped... well, that didn't matter now. "I'm sorry, Duo. If you don't want that, I can just be your partner and friend. If that's all I can have, I'll be more than happy about it. Just don't leave because I feel more for you. I just want to be with you like it was if that's all I can have. Please don't be upset with me... "
"I'm not, Heero," Duo reassured him, gripping his arm tighter until Heero opened his eyes again to see bemusement instead of anger. "It's just... I didn't even know you liked guys... especially not me." Duo swallowed. "I never even thought about you like that. I've never been with a guy before. Of course, I don't think I'd mind seeing if I could... "
Heero felt his pulse speed up. "Really?"
Duo smirked. "Sure! We're already friends, and it's not like I could ignore the fact that's you're good-looking."
"Not as good-looking as you," Heero told him, blushing furiously. "I've been having pretty detailed dreams about being with you. Apparently I've been checking you out since the moment I met you without even knowing it."
"Is that so?" Duo laughed. "Well, that's satisfying to hear."
Heero remembered the last time Duo had said that and relaxed a bit. "So... how do we do this?"
"Well, I don't have anywhere to stay right now." Duo grinned. "I guess we've known each other long enough to shack up, if you think you can put up with me on a regular basis." He moved his hand to Heero's hip suddenly, causing the dark-haired man to gasp. "We can work up to the 'lovers' thing gradually, if you want."
"Okay," Heero managed to get out as warmth spread through him. This was what he wanted... what he had always wanted, even before he realized it. "Let me get the blanket and pillow..."
Duo stopped him before he could turn away. "How about we just sleep in your bed?" He asked, his face reddening this time. "I mean we need to see if we can do that before anything else, right?"
Heero gaped at him for a moment. Sleep in the same bed? He hadn't expected something like that so soon, but he wasn't going to refuse the request. "That's a good idea. Do you want to go to bed now?"
Duo's answer was grabbing Heero's hand and leading them to the bedroom. Heero was very glad that he'd continued to shower, change his underwear, and brush his teeth even in the midst of everything. He crawled under the sheets, watching as Duo stripped down to his boxers and tee shirt. With a slightly nervous look, Duo pulled back the covers and got into bed with him. It would have been funny how skittish they were acting if it wasn't so serious.
"Goodnight, Duo," Heero said softly.
"Night, Heero."
They lay there, Heero listening to Duo breathing, noticing that it was faster than usual. He looked over to see Duo staring at the ceiling. "If you feel uncomfortable, you can always move to the couch. I won't get upset."
Duo's eyes sought his in the dark. "I was just thinking... maybe we should kiss. It's a pretty good test, don't you think? I mean if we don't like kissing then there's no reason to take it any further, right?"
Heero just nodded, his breath catching as Duo suddenly rolled over to lean across his chest. Duo's face came closer to his, the other man's eyes dropping to Heero's lips before their mouths met for the first time. The dark-haired man let out a moan that came from somewhere deep inside him. It was bliss. Absolute bliss. Their lips caressed each other's as they got used to it. Heero was surprised when Duo's tongue took a tentative swipe at his mouth, obviously wanting to take the kiss even further. Heero certainly didn't mind and opened his mouth to give the braided man more access. He grabbed onto Duo's shoulders when the invitation was taken, their tongues meeting and exploring like they were discovering some unknown paradise just for them.
When Duo's body moved closer, the kiss deepening, Heero wound his arms around Duo's waist. Their lower bodies came more into contact, and he groaned as he felt proof of Duo's arousal pressing against his hip. His own erection pulsed in excitement, and he tried to rein in his rampant hormones before he took things too far. He didn't need to worry though. Duo pulled away for a moment, his eyes heavy with desire, and deft fingers pulled Heero's pajamas down, exposing him to the braided man's gaze. Duo then carefully pulled his own shaft out of his boxers. Pausing for a moment, Duo leaned in and kissed Heero, almost shyly now in contrast to having their erections bared and close enough to touch. Heero had gotten a fleeting look at the other man's hardness and felt his own respond.
"What do you think?" Duo asked in a raspy voice as he broke the kiss. "I'm pretty comfortable doing this if you want to go on, but I'll stay even if you want to stop."
"I don't want to stop if you don't," Heero replied breathlessly. "I couldn't help but think about you doing this with someone else, and I wanted it to be me. I didn't think I'd ever get this chance."
Duo brushed the unruly hair out of Heero's eyes. "You'll have all the chances in the world, Heero. I'm definitely staying. This is just... I've never been this excited before. There will be no problem sleeping together." He grinned mischievously, all nervousness vanishing. "Or this either," he added as he reached down and began stroking Heero.
Heero arched off of the bed, knowing his imagination had been lacking when it came to how good it felt for Duo to touch him like this. Duo leaned back down and kissed him again, their mouths moving languidly, tongues becoming more demanding as they learned the other's sensitive spots. Heero gasped when Duo fondled his balls with a tender urgency that made him want to cry. Every single touch was thrilling beyond his wildest dreams. Warm blue-violet eyes smiled down at him as Duo tilted his hips, their arousals rubbing together. Moisture from their respective tips merged like it had come from the same body. Heero liked that idea. He liked it a lot. He liked what Duo was doing to him more than anything he could ever remember. The other man's hands were gentle in a way that took Heero's breath away, yet they moved with growing passion that couldn't be anything but real.
Heero placed his hands on Duo's hips and thrust against him, wanting to be an active participant instead of just a passive observer. Duo moaned as their lips met again, this time the kiss becoming torrid. Heero knew he wasn't going to last much longer. It was a little embarrassing considering his usual stamina, but Duo somehow knew just where to touch him to bring the most pleasure. When Duo's fingers brushed against his entrance almost curiously, Heero went over the edge in a blinding intensity. He tensed, his release coating his lover's fingers, as he cried out Duo's name, the sound echoing in the small bedroom. He then heard Duo groan his name, among other things, as the braided man came. The warm wetness flowed over Heero's already sensitive groin, giving him another jolt of pure pleasure before Duo collapsed almost on top of him.
"Damn, but that was good," Duo panted heavily.
Heero wrapped his arms around him, enjoying the weight of Duo's body on his own. He felt safe. He felt warm. He felt like he was going to wake up any moment, alone and miserable, but the reassuring presence lying on him held that fear at bay, making it all very real. "It was amazing. Unbelievably amazing."
Duo rolled to lie beside him. "If you think that was amazing, I can't wait to see how you feel when we... well you know." He then laughed, a bit self-consciously. "Ah hell, Heero, we might as well get used to talking about this stuff since we're obviously going to be lovers." He gave Heero a furtive glance before going on. "I'm pretty sure we'll switch off doing things together, but I really want to take you the first time we go all the way, okay? When I touched you... there... it was like I couldn't stop thinking about thrusting into you... taking you. That's what made me come." His eyes flashed with emotion as he looked back at Heero. "Will you let me?"
"Of course, I will," Heero whispered, reaching out to run his fingers through Duo's messy bangs, another tremor of desire coursing through his body. "I'm yours... as long as you take all of me." Fear filled him at saying that, but he wanted to be sure that Duo knew he wasn't just interested in sex.
Their gazes held for a moment until the braided man replied, "I want all of you, Heero. Anything less wouldn't be enough." He then pulled Heero into his arms, burying his face in his hair.
Heero snuggled against him, not caring if he would have been mortified to actually 'snuggle' with anyone just weeks ago. "I can't believe you're really here," he mumbled, not seeming to be able to keep his feelings to himself anymore since baring his soul to the other man. "I couldn't stop missing you, no matter how hard I tried. All I wanted was to have you back here with me so I could tell you."
Duo moved away enough to kiss him softly. "I won't ever leave again," he promised when their lips parted. "You can have all of me too, Heero. I'm not that much of a bargain, but it's all I have to offer."
Heero smiled, something he knew he'd have to get used to doing now that Duo was back in his life. It felt good to let go of his stoic demeanor with Duo - almost as good as being held. "But it's all I could ever want," he told him truthfully, before rolling over on top of Duo. "Now let's see just how late we can be tomorrow. What do you say?" He smirked at the surprised expression on his new lover's face then began kissing him with renewed passion. Soft moans and gasps of pleasure let him know that Duo was more than willing to go along with him.
Months later, and years to come, when they argued over something stupid, Heero would remember how they made love that night, taking each other for the first time. He would remember how he'd almost lost Duo because of his own fear, and would make himself talk things out, no matter how difficult it was. He would remember what it felt like to be alone and would snuggle against his partner, telling him he was sorry for losing his temper. He would remember, because his love would be stronger than any disagreement they could ever have.
He would never let Duo go again. After all, second chances didn't happen every day, and memories of the past could never be enough without the man he loved being there to share them.
//I know this much is true (I know this much is true)//
The End
(:./tk/bliss)
