24 Aug 2000

And while I'm tapping my toes waiting for "Lion's Song" to make it through, I thought I'd send along another songfiction to keep it company. Apologies in advance if this song is overused--I haven't seen a songfic that uses it, but I don't pretend to have read everything! Hope you like it, --Lilias

Never Be the Same by Lilias

So you walked with me for a while
Bared your naked soul
And you told me of your plan
How you would never let them know

You were the most beautiful thing we'd ever seen. And that's saying something--our school already had its quota of teen vidstars, supermodels, you name it. But they all looked like painted dolls next to you. I don't know when you officially transferred in, but boy, did you make an impression. Even while recovering from being beaten almost to a pulp. You were a walking bruise the first time I saw you, but the energy crackling off of you drew us all into your orbit. By day two, you'd entered into legend. Into fantasy, more like it. Larger than life, always--some cover, Duo.

I heard about your infamous welcome speech long before I first met you, but the description I got was nothing like the reality.⁽¹⁾ The gossip mill had decreed you were hot, but no one warned me you were beautiful. So the first time you looked at me over those damn sunglasses, I was lost. Eternally, irrevocably, permanently. All the forever words you can think of--they're all true. Forever and ever, amen.

It took me a while to figure it out, of course, since I was high on Oz at the time. Gonna escape my boring life through dedication to the glorious cause--yeah, right. If I hadn't met you, hadn't known you, I probably would've been your cannon fodder sooner or later. Scythe fodder. Another broken Leo floating in the vacuum. Hilarious, really, since that's pretty much how I feel these days. But then--looking into your eyes was like seeing suns rise. How poetic, Hilde. Have another drink, Hilde. Anyway.

The rest of us were so gung-ho, and your detachment was maddening--to me, at least. How could you be so cynical about the great and terrible Oz? I still wonder how you managed to be so patient with us. (Patience is hardly your forte, after all.) After what you'd been through--your whole life, ne?--you didn't hate me for what I wanted to become. Your challenges were maddening, you were irritating, but you never lie, do you? Even when it's easier. And eventually I saw the truth. What Oz was trying to do--what they'd already done.

It got me in a lot of trouble, taking that mobile suit and heading after you, but even the jail time was worth it. And the next few months went beyond worth it to absolute heaven. Temporary, though. Playing house with Shinigami? Not a good idea, girls and boys. Oh, he's a decent cook, good at fixing small appliances, a demon in the sack--but in the end he'll take you apart, piece by piece. All those little pieces. Have another drink, Hilde.

In the morning of the night
You cried--a long-lost child
And I tried, oh I tried to hold you
But you were young, and you were wild

Every time you went out on one of those damn salvage trips (search-and-destroy guerilla missions, more like it), I thought I'd lose it. And every time, you came back smiling that cat's grin, towing another bunch of armless Tauruses, or decapitated Leos, or whatever you'd been able to catch. And in between, there was us. You and me. Grocery shopping, tinkering with stuff in the machine shop, sleeping in. I don't think I slept much, though--even then it was like I knew I had to drink you in, scoop it all up with both hands as fast as I could. Every look was a snapshot to hoard up in my mind, against the long cold lonely time I knew--I knew--was coming.

So every night, afterwards, I'd watch you sleep. Push that hair (all that hair!) out of your eyes so I could see you better, run my nails and fingertips over your back just to listen to you sigh in your sleep, memorize every inch of you all over again. I don't think I want to know where you got all those scars--if they came from the same place as your nightmares, I'm sure I don't want to know. In the daylight you were my dashing prince of the salvage yard--what an image--but most nights you screamed yourself hoarse, twisting the sheets into knots and scaring the holy hell out of me. Once you finally made it up out of the nightmare, you'd hang on to me like I was the only thing between you and the void.

But I, I will never be the same
Oh I, I will never be the same
Caught in your eyes, lost in your name I will never be the same

The first time your screaming woke me in the night--when you were still sleeping two doors down--I hung on, too, not quite believing I was actually holding you in my arms. And then you started kissing me, and it was all over. There're supposed to be only so many nerve endings in a person's skin, you know, but it was like mine had doubled. Octupled, maybe. I didn't know it was possible to feel things like that: your electric touch, your eyes in the dark, your--all of it. You knew things about my body no one'd ever told me, and I tried to learn fast so I could give some of it back to you. And god help me, I loved it--even when it wasn't my name you were moaning.

Days changed, too, after that. Working together, sleeping together, talking about everything and nothing--and I watched over your sleep every night, jealous of the good dreams, waiting for the bad ones. It felt like forever.

Secrets of your life
I never wanted for myself
But you guarded them like a lie
Placed up on the highest shelf
In the morning of the night
When I woke to find you gone
I knew your distant devil
Must be dragging you along

When the White Fang came to recruit you, I knew I'd been wrong. It wasn't even close to forever. The war was all around us again, and even though you didn't leave with them, I knew you'd be going soon. And you wouldn't even let me go with you. I held on one more time, as if wishing for forever could make it happen. You patted my head, eyes already distant. I didn't know who he was, then--the Heero you called for in your dreams, and at other, even less guarded moments. But I knew you were going back to him--were already with him, at least in your head. That black metal monster was your link to him, and your express ticket away from the salvage yard. I loved that big hunk of gundanium, too, and while you were suiting up I put one hand on its cold metal foot, willing Deathscythe to take care of you, to hold you together when I couldn't. I didn't even cry--can you believe it? Locked down, like a good little soldier.

And I--I will never be the same

It was weeks before I saw you again; it took me that long to see where that Libra business was headed, come up with a plan, and wangle access to a shuttle. It was my own little holy war--a suicide mission, a one-act benefit for Shinigami & Co. How appropriate. And the crazy thing is, it worked. A little too well. See, I was supposed to die--wasn't supposed to have to see you again, never that. Just had to get that rattletrap Taurus close enough to be sure you'd be able to salvage the disk, then let go. No more waking up alone--or, even worse, waking up with the illusion of your warmth beside me and having to realize it all over again.

But it didn't work, did it? Not like I'd planned. Oh, they chased me, all right, and shot me up, but then you came for me a bit ahead of schedule. And I had to watch you fight, and hear your voice, and then (the worst) had to see you over the vidlink. I know, I know I'm a stupid fool. No revelation there.

And then there I was, a pitiful bandaged heap, barely able to open my one functioning eye--the perfect time to introduce me to the love of your life, I'd say. You always were the master of comic timing, weren't you? Not that I blame you, I guess. He's a quiet one. Beautiful eyes. Well, he's no you, but I can see why you'd--it was the way he looked at you, when he thought he wouldn't get caught staring. Ready for another drink, Hilde?

You swore that you were bound for glory
And for wanting, you had no shame
But I loved you
And I lost you
And I will never be the same

I lay there on Peacemillion for a long time after you'd gone--days, it seemed like--waiting to die. It never quite happened, though. They brought me to that space station when they evacuated the others (drugged me to the gills before they moved me, too, so all I remember is the stars spinning outside the pod's window). Relena showed up after a while, rescued by your white knight. White knight to black king two, and the black pawn's off the board. How that same move also kicked the white queen out of the game, I have no idea. Never did get chess.⁽²⁾ So I guess I have some idea of Relena's feelings about all this. She's all right, you know? Locked up tight inside herself, but I guess that's kept her safe. Safer than me, anyway. But degree of injuries aside, we got burned by the same flame. You guys are magnetic, you know you are. There's just something about the idea of having all that intensity focused on you--we couldn't help ourselves, and we just kept coming back to singe ourselves silly in that fire.

We watched the fight, of course; I thought Relena would crawl into the vidscreen to help. I felt numb, and not just from the megadoses of morphine. What pain there was in my heart was like a phantom ache--like when you feel the throbbing in an amputated limb long after it's gone. I could see you on the screen--well, I could see Deathscythe, anyway--but it was like you were a universe away. A larger-than-life hero again, not my best friend. My only love. And then it was over.

No, I--I will never be the same

Sure, you came back for a while. For old times' sake, you said. He'd disappeared again, and you were making yourself sick with loneliness. But you knew he'd be back, you said, and I felt the heat of the crazy hope and even crazier certainty in your eyes. It was like looking in a mirror.

And then you left, again--maybe you were heading to him, maybe you just didn't want me to watch you slide away. You left a list of emergency numbers by the phone. A list of groceries we were almost out of. Reminders on how to thump the micro just right to get it working again. But you didn't include any tips on how I was supposed to go on without you, did you?

It's over for me, now. No more fear, no more dreams. Just soothing, routine work--flying cargo routes, mostly. And I volunteer at orphanages when I can, for you. It passes the time.

But my fingers are crossed, my Shinigami. And I've prayed to every god I can think of, including yours. If I've been good, if I've done enough right in all this lonely time, maybe death will wear your face when it comes for me.

Caught in your eyes,
lost in your name--
I will never be the same.

End

Lilias

(1) Because, of course, that was actually Heero's welcome speech.
(2) And as you can see, I don't get chess either! Can we blame this incoherence on the many, many drinks Hilde's had by this point in the story?

(:./lilias/neversame)