18-Aug-2001
This post is a bit hard to explain...it's the first of two old ML conversations I've formatted for reposting (with the permission of the other parties involved, of course). A loooong time ago, Tyr had mentioned that these could be archivable--dunno if the offer still stands [ndlr: absolutely! We all need excuses to roll on the floor laughing...], but since I'm not making much noise on this list these days, I thought it couldn't hurt to send these along! ^__^
This GWML conversation began with comments on our advanced age (relatively speaking, of course!), and then took a left turn into weird, weird crotchety-ness....
(Contains passing references to shounen-ai, silly mock-snideness toward characters we adore, and massive consumption of tea. ^_~)
It's the end of a long day on the GWML, and two of its senior citizens are kicking back on the front porch to watch the sun set over the neighbors' white picket fence (while the ever-patient Rashid stands ready with a tea tray). Meph and Lilias have quite a bone to pick with those pesky GW youngsters....
Meph: Dang kids always racing around and tearin' things up! Flying 'round in those gundam contraptions. Be glad that it's only your tulips, dearie. Damn kids destroyed my birdhouse playing tag the other day in those things.
Lilias: Don't I know it! See them lombardy poplars? Used to have TOPS. Till last Tuesday, when that long-haired kid (what kinda name is "Sex," anyway? goldurn club-kids!) came sliding into the backyard. (In one a them flying menaces--with a scrub-brush on its head, no less.) Said it was second base. Second base!! They can't play baseball in tennis shoes no more, they got to use the giant robots? Lazy good-for-nothings, I call 'em!
Meph: That blond boy's parents need a good talkin' to!! Naming that boy Sex. What's wrong with a good name like Bartholemule or Jeremiah? And that sister running around screaming for a hero or somethin'. Don't they feed that girl? In _my_ day girls were taught to behave like ladies and not run around half dressed screaming for their lunch!
Lilias: Oh, you don't know the half of it! Boy's halfwit parents named him Mallard, or some such. Milliardo, that's it. Pimp name, if you ask me. Asking for trouble. And I don't believe for a minute that metal hat of his is a fancy newfangled asthma inhaler, no matter what his dad says (hippies, all them Peacecrafts!). And you're right about Twiggy, too--most every morning, she's out here shooting at my rose bushes. (And missing, but that's not the point!) At least she's polite to her elders, and wears gloves when she goes out--puts me in mind of my sainted Aunt Viola.
Meph: Roses! The other day I had to shoo that one boy out of my rose garden. Trees or something, 'is name was. Says he's friends with that Mallard boy. That Trees boy started tell _me_ about roses! ME! I didn't win all those ribbons at the county fair for growing weeds I tell you! Young whippersnapper trying to tell me how to grow roses! Maybe he should help his long haired hippy friend cut the grass instead of having all those gardeners. When I was growing up, boys _worked_! Not go around pickin' flowers and driving around in big metal doo-hickies that have scrub brushes on their heads!
Lilias: ::shaking head:: I can't believe it! Your ways with bone meal and pruning are legend! Legend! Uppity kids. ::slurps tea:: That Trees boy waxes his eyebrows--it's the only possible explanation. And you know why he needs them roses, don'tcha? Floats petals in his bubble bath. He'll strip a whole bush quicker'n you can say spit. Giggling like a damfool the whole time. Creepy, I call it. (Agnes Filbert says his whole room's full of potpourri and birdcages, and I'm not one bit surprised!)
Meph: Potpourri? Fool kid worried about 'is room smellin' like _my_ roses! Dang! I bet he does float them rose petals in his bath, probably clogs the drain too!
Lilias: I wouldn't doubt it. Looks like he'd leave a ring in the tub from hair oil alone, that one. Why he dresses like a toy soldier is beyond me!
Meph: And those girls he has following him around like little doggies waiting for a biscuit? You know the ones, one of 'em wears glasses and looks like she needs a good dose of your prune juice, and the other one follows him around calling him MR. Trees and inflating his head. Pretty soon that boy won't be able to fit into his trousers! Funny isn't it, that you don't see them girls together. Kind of makes you think...
Lilias: Oh, I've seen 'em. Sliding along on a trail of their own drool. But that one with the cootie-coops gives me the creeps-- looks at a person all sideways, like she's figuring out how much arsenic it'd take to put a body six feet under. I prefer Little Miss Gushy, even if she does hold up the mailman explaining peace proposals or some such nonsense.
Meph: In _my_ day we were _quiet_ and respectful! Rashid! Is that a smile I see on your face, sonny!
Lilias: And get a haircut, fez-boy! Ya look like a ding-dang owl! Crikey! [uh, suddenly I'm an aged Cockney?? ^_^]
Meph: Haircuts! All those boys need a haircut! It's disgraceful! My mother always told me that you can't trust a boy who hides their face! You're getting Cockney on me? Well, I can hear ya better than that one boy with his hair all in his face. Cyclops, I call him. Can't hear a word he says through that hair. The little blond boy who comes with him is sweet, but he needs a more meat on his bones.
Lilias: So Sheepdog _has_ a face! Comes as a total shocker to me! If I've told him once, I've told him a million times, no shenanigans involving my clothesline! But does that stop him from doin' those dang flippy-flops, knocking all my clean bloomers onto the grass? Heck, no! If he didn't allus bring that nice Winner child (wossisname--Catnip?) with him, I'd be after him with a switch!
Meph: Dang right! Who does that boy think he is, trying to walk on your clothes line? A clown? Sheesh! That boys needs a nice paper route to keep him occupied. Catnip is a nice lil' fella. Damn shame his parents make him wear the same thing everyday. That vest is looking a little ragged. Maybe I can knit him a nice sweater.
Lilias: You ever notice? All them kids wear the same dang outfit day in, day out. Unless they're buying cheap turtlenecks and khakis by the gross, somethin' there just isn't right!
Meph: It's shameful how them kids are dressed! Especially that one who walks around waving that stick of his, Woofie, Wuffie? What's his name? Dang funny names! And what's he doing waving that stick anyways. He's gonna poke someone's eyes out that way!
Lilias: Kid?!? He's so close to bald I figured him for a short, bitter old guy--and wearing pajamas all day doesn't help! Thinks he's Mr. Miyagi, he does, waxing on and waxing off morning, noon, and night! And always callin' me Onion, or Anna, or some such nonsense. I _got_ a name, surly-boy, and it ain't vegetable-related!
But Catnip's a good chappie--still wears the nice pink shirt I gave him for Christmas. But I worry 'bout him sometimes--too thin, for sure. What can you do? He turned down a perfectly good plate of raisin roundies a while back (blamed it on Ramadan? Like some motel says you can't eat cookies before sundown?). And have you seen those goggles of his?
Meph: He turned down your raisin roundies? Poor kid's mother probably doesn't let him have them. Judging by the looks of him, he probably doesn't get much in the way of food.
Lilias: Fighting those nine million sisters for every peanut-butter sandwich, I'd bet. Those harpies snatch every carrot stick out of his hands before he gets his lunchbox all the way open--I've seen it! Rhythm method, my Aunt Fanny--those girls're poster children for population control!
Meph: Maybe you and me should invite him for tea. We'll proably have to invite Sheepdog too, but that may be a good thing. Last winter when I caught that cold, Sheepdog's sister sent over some soup. No wonder why that boy's so thin! If that's any indication of what he gets at home, we'd be doing our good deed by getting a decent meal into the both of them!
Lilias: What's up with all that tulle of hers? Refugee from some punked-out music box, that girl. And you know what else? That purse of hers is full of _knives_. I've seen 'em. Big, sharp ones. If I were Sheepdog, I'd hide my eyes too!
Meph: Rashid, why are you sputtering! Dang it! Say it, don't spray it. Don't you have any manners? And why didn't you offer Lilias some tea? And why isn't your hair cut!
Lilias: Thank you there, Rashid. My, but pointy-head here sure makes a good pot of tea, eh? Yer a good boy, Hootie! Heh heh heh. Now, where's the Maxwell boy? Devil's own, that one, but such tidy hair! (Hmmm--wonder if it'd be polite to ask for more prune whip?)
Meph: That Maxwell boy does have nice hair. I hear he's goin' to be a priest, god help us. Hangin' out with those Peacecraft people, goodness knows what hippy ideas they're stuffin' into his impressionable head!
Lilias: Humph. That gun-totin' boyfriend of his--Yo-yo?--worries me more'n Twiggy and her wispy wheezy brother, for sure. Pretty sure _he's_ a walking breach of all ten commandments, that one.
Meph: Yo-yo? The one whose parents let him out of the house wearing those tight little shorts? Sinful!! Walking around, wiggling his little behind! Sheepdog's not that much better. I don't know how that youngin' can breathe, his pants are so tight! Makes me wish for the days when all the boys wore knickers and knee socks!
Lilias: Oh, you know it. Yo-yo's always glarin' like something's pinching where it shouldn't pinch, if you know what I mean! I'd offer him a nice pair of poly-blend slacks (got some around the house from when Junior was about that age, y'know), but I'm afraid he'd up and bite me! And now that I think on it, I've never seen Sheepdog actually sit down--probably can't, what with them jeans of his. No wonder he's walking ridgepoles!
Uh, Meph? Can you direct me to the necessary? Dang tea goes in one end and out the other, these days. Say, thanks, Hootie! Rashid here says he'll wheel me thataway.
Meph: Know what ya mean. Dang, Rashid, bring me my blanket. It's gettin' cold out here. No, I don't want to go inside. You never know when one of those kiddies are goin' tear up my flowerbeds! Lilias? Do you want a blanket too?
Lilias: Nah, m'okay. Got this afghan, it'll do me fine. And I got to keep an eye on my back lawn, too, so I'll set a spell if you'll have me a while longer! Took me a while, but I finally figured out why my mums always get trampled at night--darn kids and their "maneuvers"! Seems those cheeky monkeys are always more active at night...zzzzz--wha? Oh, sorry--dozed off for a bit there!
And, well, that's it for now--apparently, we just plumb dropped off right there on th' porch!
...next up: Bride of hyuy! ^__^
(:./lilias/vintage1)
