14-Aug-2003
Title: Stillness and Motion
Author: Psyche
Pairings: Relena, Noin. Some mention of Zechs.
Warnings: Little angst, lot of dialogue, little vagueness.
Note: Just something I happened to scribble down while away on holiday, and only just got around to typing up.
Sanc Kingdom, AC195
"But that's not how it's supposed to *be*!" Relena shouted out, seizing a book from her desk and slamming the corner into Noin's side. In a moment, Noin had her in her arms, holding her tightly in what began as a restraining motion, and ended up part hug. Relena shuddered and choked as she tried to control her breath.
"I'm sorry! I just -- didn't mean -- never meant -- I'm sorry, sorry, so sorry!"
"It's okay," said Noin. "People get angry, it happens. Sometimes you just need an outlet. I understand."
Relena screwed up her eyes and shook her head against Noin's chest. "Oh god, I'm so sorry!"
~
D____, Present Day
The sea was dark and still. In one place near the edge, where the water met the land, it swelled and formed a slight bump, which swelled further, to form a wave. The wave sucked at the pebbled beach, dragging out shallow grooves that deepened as they neared it; and ultimately losing its balance, and breaking messily on the shore. Milky white foam glinted orange in the city lights, before pulling back into the mass, as the cycle began again. High up at the top of the cliff, on a balcony at a busy hotel, Relena sat in a chair and watched. From inside came the laughter and talk of the assembled party, noisy and incessant, but Relena did not hear it; her ear was tuned only to the gentle roaring of the sea.
"Hey." Noin slipped through the doorway to stand at the balcony's edge, resting one arm against the wall as she took in the still scene before her. "Nice night."
"Mm," said Relena.
"Done all your diplomatting for the day?"
"Oh, yes."
"Yeah, guess it must get tiring, getting dignitaries to cooperate all the time," Noin said, turning to lean back on her elbows and grin.
"About as tiring as most things are, when you do them for a long time. No more."
"You only say that to be reasonable."
"True. But I like to be reasonable. It's soothing."
"Yeah, but only when it's easy."
"Truer still," said Relena.
"So I suppose I'll have my picture all over the papers tomorrow. Lucrezia Noin, former Specials pilot and rumoured former girlfriend of Milliardo Peacecraft, back on Earth. And all the rumours about Zechs and whether he's alive or dead, and what he did will be back at the top of everyone's minds again." She looked away. "He won't be pleased."
"I'm sorry."
"Nah, don't be. Anyone stupid enough to try to visit Relena Darlian at work is just asking for the press's attention. I guess being away from civilisation so long made me forget. Mars isn't exactly overflowing with journalists."
"Perhaps I should visit."
"Hey, no way, stay away! You'll bring them with you!"
"Ah, good to see the new colony's outlook isn't entirely self-interested," said Relena.
"Yeah, it's all for the good of the dust, really. Wouldn't want it getting trampled on by the paparazzi," said Noin. "Trampling's very bad for dust. Really disagrees with it."
Relena nodded solemnly. "Yes, I had forgotten about the dust. We absolutely *must* do all we can to keep it safe."
"Then I suggest you do all you can to keep the press with you, here in the Earth Sphere, and far, far away from Mars. It's the only way."
"Of course. For the dust," said Relena.
"For the dust," repeated Noin.
"I really am sorry about what happened," Relena said, once their laughter had died away. She was standing now, next to Noin, looking out to sea while Noin was still facing the building. "I know I'm not directly to blame, but still, it's because of *me* that the press were there in the first place."
Noin shook her head. "Forget it. It's not something you have control over. Besides, it's not really that big of a deal. Zechs will sulk, and then he'll get over it, and we'll go on as we were. A few newspaper articles won't change anything."
"And if someone does go to Mars, and finds him?"
"And forces the Earth Sphere to put him on trial, you mean?" Noin said, and shrugged. "He'll go. He won't run, or do anything stupid. He might be a bit sore that his poetic self-punishment was interrupted, but that's it. He'll just go."
"Is he really like that?" Relena asked, before she could think. She looked down at the bay. A particularly shallow wave broke, wetting what seemed to Relena to be exactly the same strip of sand that had been at the water's edge half an hour ago. She wished tonight had been a stormy night. There was something tiring about the current lack of drama.
Noin was silent for a while. "Sometimes I forget how little you two know each other," she said.
"I know something of him, and I *have* talked to him, but -- most of what I know comes from what other people tell me. And of course, everyone has a slightly different version of events."
"And we all call him something different." Noin leaned back a little further. "Well, apart from me and Heero. I'm pretty sure both of us just grunted and said *Zechs* as ominously as we could manage. I know I did."
"Mm, I always thought you had a slightly better grunt than Heero."
"Thanks. But you know, he really had me beaten on growls."
"He probably had more practice," said Relena.
"Yeah."
Relena closed her eyes, and imagined huge bursts of seawater smashing against the cliffs. She could almost feel the spray on her cheeks and eyelids. When she breathed in, she could taste salt on her tongue. "You leave tomorrow," she said, drifting.
"Yeah. Back to Mars," said Noin.
"I'm sorry I've been so busy while you've been here."
"But you're also kind of glad that you managed to avoid having too many uncomfortable conversations." Noin grinned as she saw Relena redden. "I know. Seeing old friends is tricky. Too many things you're not sure whether you can talk about or not. Specially when they're friends you made during a war."
"They're my best friends, my old friends," Relena said. "More than that. I'll always be grateful for what you did."
"It's nothing, it's mutual. It's just what we did. We happened to be there, and we did it."
"No, it's more that that, it's--"
"It's nothing." Noin waved a hand, as if to brush this aside. She looked over her shoulder at the sea. "Tide coming in or out?"
"No idea," said Relena.
"Ah. Pretty though."
"Yes, I suppose it is."
"Says the girl who's been gazing at it on and off all night." Noin shook her head. "But you're only really doing it to be theatrical. You and Zechs are too much alike. If you really want to know what he's like, just look in the mirror. Aside from the real thing, it's about as close as you'll get."
"That only works if you have some idea what you're looking at," said Relena.
"Uhuh. There you go again."
"Do you really believe I'm being insincere?"
"Nah, it's not that, it's just-- Forget it. It's probably for the best. You *are* a politician, after all," said Noin.
"I don't understand."
"Don't worry, it probably doesn't make sense anyway. Mind was wandering. Must be getting old."
"Don't be ridiculous, you're not even twenty-five!"
"Yeah, well, Mars has made me age prematurely. Hard labour'll do that do a person. You really have us pioneers working like slaves up there, you know."
"Oh honestly!"
"Hm?"
Relena looked about to say something serious, then shook her head; a tiny motion of defeat. "As if it weren't our intention to work you as hard as we possibly can. As can hardly have escaped your notice, we *do* plan for the initial stages of the project to be completed at some point over the next few years."
"Yep, and then on to Jupiter's moons," said Noin. "You'll end up colonising half the galaxy to keep Zechs hidden."
"And you'll follow him."
"I will."
"Noin..."
"Listen, Relena," Noin turned her head so that she was speaking almost directly into Relena's ear. "I made a promise to your brother, and I don't intend to go back on it. I'll stand by what I said -- stand by *him* -- for as long as I can. That's all there is."
"I see," Relena said. She could just make eye contact through the corners of her eyes. "And it doesn't bother you that that's *completely* unfair? Don't you care at *all*?"
"That has nothing to do with it. It's just -- well, you can call it my own stubbornness, if you like, but it's what I've decided, and I'm doing it. It's not something you can change."
Relena walked sharply to the chair, and stared at it. She moved it to a different part of the balcony, but did not sit down. Inside, the numbers were beginning to thin.
"Shouldn't you get back inside?" said Noin. "All those people are gonna be wondering where you've got to."
"There's nothing for me in there," said Relena. She was standing with her back to Noin, and her naturally straight posture was slightly straighter than usual: a faint reminder of the last days of Sanc. "Nothing that can't wait," she ammended.
"Oh."
"Yes, I know. It's not so bad, though. I *am* useful. That's what's important to me. More important than anything else on Earth."
"Or Mars," said Noin.
"I wouldn't know. I've never been there."
Noin smiled in halves: first one side of her mouth twitched, then she lifted the other in a weak grin. "Yeah, pity about all that damn dust, keeping you away."
"Mm."
"Because, otherwise, we'd love to have you there. You could look around, and see all the stuff we're building -- we're creating something there, Relena, something *real,* and it's because of you, you know. It's your project. I'd love for you to see it."
Relena bent her head. "I know."
"You should come and see it," said Noin.
"I can't."
"You could give the press a false lead -- ban them from following you, even, -- and come and see me, and I'll show you everything. Maybe you could even take on a post there. You're tired of this Foreign Minister stuff, I know you are, and it's not what you want to be doing. You can take on something new. There's good to be done on Mars, as well as anywhere else. We've already got people having disputes, causing us problems. You can make life better there. It'll be good for you."
Relena looked at the blurry reflection of Noin in the window, and said, "No." She turned around to face the real thing. "No. Someone would always follow me, and for how long would change of scene alone solve my problems? I can do more for myself, as well as for other people, where I am. Besides which, as much as I may want to be with you, I have friends, I have my *mother,* in the Earth Sphere, and I won't consider leaving them. We'll keep in touch over the vidphone, just as we always have. We'll cope, we--
"Look, Noin," Relena said, more softly. The effect was as if she had interrupted herself. "I don't want to argue over this. We know how things are, and what can actually be done. We both know where the limits lie. We just got carried away. I've been letting that happen too much, recently. I'm sorry."
Noin shook her head. "You know, you really do need a break, Relena. It doesn't have to be to Mars. You just need to -- air your brain out a bit."
"Perhaps I should ask for Heero's help, then. He always was offering to add a hole or two. Or you. It shouldn't be too hard to find you a gun, with all the bodyguards swarming around here," Relena said, with a huff of breath that sounded like an extract from her usual laughter.
Noin paused for a moment, taking in the area around them, then said, "I've got one, actually."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Tiny thing, inside my jacket. It's um, it's something Treize gave me, back when I was a cadet. I told him -- something about wanting to fight for peace, or something, and he gave me a gun that normal sensors won't detect. Said a few well placed shots would bring it, at least for a little while." She bit her lip. "Of course, it's a problem if I'm actually searched -- a gun's still a gun, however you make it -- but so far, that hasn't happened."
"Did you carry it with you in Sanc?" asked Relena.
"Yes, I did. I was worried about you."
"You had good reason."
"Yeah, maybe. It's just a good thing I never had to use it. It's much easier to agree to disagree when things stay purely theoretical."
"I know. And of course, in this case, things changed. Now I agree with you."
"Just wish everything worked like that," said Noin.
"Mm." Relena tilted her head to look beyond Noin. "Still in exactly the same place," she murmured.
Noin turned around. A wave was just beginning to form on the water's edge. "It's moving. Slowly. It's just one of those things that happens at such a gradual rate you can't see it. Come back in the morning and it'll be different."
"Or, if I pick the wrong time, exactly where it was."
"Even then, it won't be the same. Once you've been somewhere else, coming back to where you were is like being somewhere that's -- it's not the same. Even if you want it to be, it won't be what you knew. Things don't fit the way they used to."
"It's different," said Relena.
"It is."
"But sometimes, it almost seems the same."
"I never know whether to trust those moments or not," said Noin. "It's not as if I want to go and make everything undone, just to put things back the way they were -- but it's painful, knowing that all that really is gone. When you think it might not be, you lose all your bearings."
"I wish--" Relena began, and then fell silent. About half a mile out to sea, a wave hit against a rock, and broke into two. Water sprayed up into the air. She hadn't noticed that happening before. "Will you be able to come again?" she said.
"I don't know. Eventually, I guess. Why, hoping against hope that I'll stay away?"
"The opposite."
"Well, good, because I'm afraid you're just not that lucky. I will be back, you know. You can't stop me," Noin said, and winked.
"Thank-you," said Relena.
"For vowing to hound you to the end of my days? It's a pleasure."
"The pleasure is mine, and you know it."
"Do I?"
"You should. Anyway, you're coming back. That's what matters."
"I'm not always sure it's a good idea," said Noin. "To want to come back, I mean. Perhaps things would be better if I'd just accept them."
"I don't believe that."
"Some people do, though."
"Some people just need to be reminded that there's nothing futile about hoping. It's what makes life worth living," said Relena.
"I thought that was happiness," Noin said, lightly.
"Is it possible to be happy without hope?"
"I don't know. Don't know that they're really connected. Maybe it's different for different people."
"But still-- Still, I wouldn't want you to be without hope," said Relena. "It's not something I can imagine."
"Yeah, well, in reality, I don't think I could give up my hopes if I tried, so we're safe on that score. Not the sort of thing that can just disappear over night."
"Even if you *are* leaving tomorrow. Everything's safe."
"Yeah," said Noin. She suddenly looked very tired. "So I guess we should be saying goodbye around now. Better here than in some grimy shuttle port."
"I suppose so," Relena said, and breathed deeply. "Goodbye."
"Goodbye. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Yes. Tomorrow."
Noin nodded slowly, and then walked back through the doorway into the hotel. For a few moments, Relena waited. She didn't want them to be returning to their rooms together. It would spoil their farewell. She looked at the concrete floor of the balcony; at the cliffs and the sky and the stars; and then, finally, for one last time at the sea; and then she too went inside, to bid the few remaining guests goodnight, and sleep as best she could.
When morning came, the tide was almost all the way out. Relena couldn't tell whether it had gone in first or not. She decided she didn't want to know.
