Sep 8, 2000
Aloha, everybody! ^_^ This bit of nonsense is brought to you by myself and Tzigane, or "Wufei is WHAT?!?" Productions. ^_^v We really didn't plan to have all these little things relate, but it just happened to work out that way - this is the second fic of what we're now calling the "Flashlight Trilogy." "General Hospital" was first, then "Lights! Camera! Action!" leads right up to "Heero's Flashlight." We hope you enjoy it! ^_^v
WARNING! In this fic, you'll find lemony implications, bad language, and generally stuff that appeals to our perverse sense of humor. If that kind of stuff bothers you, boy are you in the wrong place. ^_~ We should mention here that we do not own the Gundam Wing characters or situations which appear in this fic, and this fic is not meant to be taken as any claim to copyright, nor do we mean any disrespect whatsoever to the creators and rightful owners of this wonderful series. Also, we will not make one red cent off of this story, and suing us would be pretty pointless, since we're both poor as dirt and there would be nothing to be gained by it.
*whew!* That said... on with the fic! ^_^v
The pink light of dawn filtered through foggy morning air, painting the valley in rosy hues. Tucked within this hollow, hidden in a circle of sheltering pine trees, rested a tiny cottage just perfect for five occupants. The wind whispered through the trees, bringing a soft hail of pine needles and a fresh, sharp scent that was not to be had anywhere else in the world, and an air of contentment bathed the valley in peace.
Within the little cottage, a door slowly creaked open and a violet eye peered into the shadowed hallways.
No mops.
The coast was clear!
There were no mops in the stairwell as he crept down the steep steps, nor where there any in the tiny hall leading to the kitchen. Safe!
The smell of brewing coffee drew Duo into the kitchen, and he entered -- after checking for mops -- with a smile on his face.
Heero stood at the counter, mug in hand, waiting for the Perfect Coffee to finish brewing, and Duo stifled a sigh of disappointment. It would take an awful lot of sugar to make that sludge palatable.
Quatre and Trowa sat at the table, apparently carrying on an intense conversation.
"Really, Trowa. God's Plan *does* include you," Quatre told him earnestly. "God will forgive you for being homosexual, so long as you repent and remain celibate from now on!"
One baleful vert eye peered desperately over the edge of Trowa's juice cup. "But YOU'RE homosexual, Quatre!" Trowa exclaimed.
"I most certainly am NOT! I," Quatre explained, "am a man of God. They're almost *never* homosexual!"
"Not according to every movie I've ever seen," said Duo as he crossed the room to retrieve his coffee mug from the sink. He sighed in relief as he noted that the cup still had its sugary residue. Quatre kept trying to wash his mug -- he just didn't seem to understand that *that* ruined the taste!
"Nobody asked you," Quatre said peevishly as he noticed that Duo's coffee mug had once again escaped cleaning.
"Yare, yare," Duo replied, turning and leaning against the counter. "Who peed in your cornflakes?" Over the resulting sputter, he asked, "Where's Wu-chan?"
"Reading the paper in the den," Trowa told him.
Duo tilted his head to the side, braid swaying. "I thought he was blind?"
"Still is," Trowa murmured.
"So how can he read the paper?"
"With my eyes, you idiot," Wufei said, whapping Duo in the back of the head with the newspaper as he came into the kitchen. "Don't make fun of the blind man."
Heero held up a glass of water for the second time in as many weeks. "Get a room," he said, nasal tones serious. "But before that..."
"Oh, no!" Duo moaned.
Wufei's whisper followed. "Anything but..."
"I just can't FACE it!" Quatre cried.
"It's inevitable..." said Trowa.
"...we have a mission."
"It figures," Duo sighed.
"Everyone sit down and I'll explain," Heero said, and Duo seated himself beside Trowa and Quatre, waiting expectantly.
"Duo," Heero said, and pointed in Wufei's direction.
"What?"
"Show Wufei to his seat."
"Why?"
"He's blind."
Duo sighed, rolled his eyes in exasperation, and pointed to the vacant chair. "There's your seat, Wu-chan."
"Thank you, Maxwell," Wufei said with quiet dignity as he seated himself. "And don't call me that."
"Sure thing, Wu-chan," Duo replied with a wriggle of his eyebrows.
"Maxwell...!"
"So what's the mission, Heero?" Trowa asked seriously.
"We must infiltrate a production company," Heero said stoically. "One of OZ's engineers backs film production. We must get into his latest film so that we can exploit our positions and get into his office to search for information."
"Awesome!" Duo cried. "I always knew I was destined to be in the movies!"
"Yeah, selling popcorn," Quatre muttered.
"Yanno, you're awfully cranky for a 'Man of God', Q," Duo commented. "Could it be that your saintly life is wearing on you already? Got too many wild oats stored up for comfort?"
"One can hope," Trowa whispered. One green eye widened and feigned innocence as Quatre turned to glare at him suspiciously before returning his attention to Duo.
"Shut up, Duo!" Quatre snapped, his face reddened over his stiff priest's collar as he gave Trowa a second glower for good measure.
"Why does this mission need all five of us?" Wufei grumbled, distinctly remembering the hospital fiasco which had resulted in his lack of vision. "And what kind of film would star a blind man, anyway?"
"Ninmu," was Heero's only reply.
"Ryokai!" Duo carolled.
"Kanryo!" Wufei replied.
"Don't push it," Heero said, and turned to fill his coffee mug, heaving a sigh of relief that Mr. Coffee had finally finished brewing. "The mission calls for five attractive teenage boys. Quatre, you're going to have to lose the priest's outfit."
"But Heero!" Quatre cried. "How can I minister my flock without my priestly garb!?"
"Your flock of one would be happier if you ministered to him without any clothing at all," Trowa muttered.
"TROWA!"
"Ahem!" Heero said, and when that failed to get everyone's attention, he brandished the Glass o' Cold Water threateningly. When all eyes (even the blind ones) were once again on him, he continued. "We're supposed to dress sexy," he finished, and then hid behind his coffee mug, hoping the slight blush warming his cheeks wasn't noticeable. Who the hell knew what 'sexy' looked like? He hoped the spandex shorts would do.
A hand reached up and Wufei scratched his still sleep-tousled head, further knotting the black strands. "You mean something OTHER than white pants and a tank?" he asked in confusion.
"I just CAN'T!" Quatre wailed before a strong hand clamped down on his wrist.
Trowa's eye had visibly narrowed, a little smirk upon his lips. "Don't worry, Quatre. I've got you... COVERED." With that, he hurried from the kitchen, squirming screaming blond dragged reluctantly behind.
"Don't worry, Wu-chan, Hee-chan! I'll take care of everything!"
"Kisama! Maxwell, I told you not to call me that!"
"Don't call me that," Heero echoed.
"Sure thing, Wu-chan, Hee-chan."
"Kisama!"
"Omae o korosu."
"Ok, ok, I'll stop. Geeze, you guys are no fun."
"I'm blind! How fun do you expect me to be?"
"'Fun' does not fall within mission parameters."
Duo sighed. "Okay, let's get you guys dressed. All right?"
"Ninmu ryokai."
"I can't believe you got me into this get-up, Maxwell!" Wufei wailed. His hair was a delicately teased black mess around his face, framing the oval bone structure and making his black eyes appear huge. A green and black sheer shirt fluttered around him as he minced along in his overly-constricting leather pants.
Just getting there had been enough of a trial; the pants were *impossibly* tight! He couldn't even sit! Poor Wufei had been forced by sheer necessity to lay across the laps of his comrades in the back seat!
"Calm down, Wu-chan!" Duo said, waving his hands. His own deep purple silk shirt barely covered the white glow of the skin beneath; luckily, he also had on the black leather vest that matched Wufei's pants and a pair of black jeans that looked as though someone had painted them on his ass.
"Stop complaining, Wufei. It's the mission," Heero said, glowering down at his own mesh tank and ripped jeans. Through his loose top, he could see the body jewelry Duo had insisted he needed -- rings that created the look of nipple and navel piercings by pinching the skin tightly.
"Besides!" Quatre snapped. "At least you're more dressed than *me*!" His own white leather vest, pants, and boots (with spurs that jingle-jangle-jingled) were utterly mortifying to the devout young man. Trowa hadn't even allowed him to have a shirt!
"....." Trowa said, a little behind Quatre so he could watch the other boy's tight ass. His own crushed-velvet muscle shirt and PVC pants were comfortable to him; he didn't know (or care) what the other four were bitching about. "It's a mission," he said, finally tearing his distracted gaze loose from all the luscious mounds of flesh two steps ahead of him.
"Kisama!" Wufei moaned. "At least you can sit down!"
Duo peered around, shaking his head so that his braid snaked wildly behind him. "Who needs to siddown, man!? We're gonna be in the *movies*! Hello!"
"Does this look suspicious to anyone else?" Quatre asked as a woman dressed only in fur panties and a feather boa walked by them.
"Suspicious how?" Heero asked. "It's a mission."
Wufei clutched frantically at his nose and moaned. "Lucky I'm blind, or I would have seen that!"
"Wu-chan, you are *totally* fuckin' bizarre, man," Duo sighed.
"Don't taunt the blind man," Trowa murmured.
>From the doorway came a voice -- a suspiciously *oily* voice. "Well, gentlemen! You're running late! Glad to see you could make it! Get into wardrobe... immediately."
"Yes, sir.... ah... ma'am... ahhh... on our way!" Duo said with an awkward salute.
"Yes, indeed," the suspiciously androgynous person declared as it began to lead them along the hall, obviously heading towards the dressing rooms. "We can't wait to get started!"
The trip was quick, only a short jaunt down the hallway as they hurried along. The door with the wardrobe sign swung open to reveal a room that appeared to be straight out of a dominatrix's wet dream. A variety of harnesses, whips and chains, along with some very... *interesting* other tools, lay scattered about the room or hung neatly on pegs.
"Ahhh......" Duo paused, looking about, goggling with an odd half-smirk on his face. Behind him, the others carried expressions ranging from stark terror to morbid fascination.
"What kind of movie is this?" Quatre squeaked out politely.
"Why, it's the very *finest* in triple-x adventures!" the androgen replied cheerfully. "We only release the absolute *best* in pornographic materials!"
"Eeeek," Wufei whispered, clutching at his nose. "I was afraid it would say that..."
"All RIGHT!" Duo cried, pumping his fist triumphantly. "YES! This is gonna be great!"
"Ninmu..." Heero whispered to himself. "It's a mission. It's a mission. It's a mission..."
/Well, this *could* be a good opportunity!/ Trowa mused. /Quatre can't say no when all the cameras are on us!/ >)
Duo was still doing his little victory dance. "Yeah! I'll be King Dong!" he cheered, whipping off his vest with a flourish.
"Ahhh... Not you, young man," the.... PERSON in the door declared.
"Huh?" Duo asked, almost visibly deflating. "Why not?"
The dull blue eyes travelled over him. "You're just *too* thin, darling. It would *frighten* people to see all your bones sticking out! Our clients want *luscious* *exotic* creatures... Like this one!" was the cheerful declaration as the strange being patted Wufei's backside with something of a proprietary smirk.
The Chinese pilot paled visibly. "No, no! You can take my place, Duo! I'll be happy to let you! Wouldn't be any trouble at all!!"
"That's a good idea, Wu-chan. It can be harder than you think," Duo smirked and then fell into a familiar sing-song pattern. "Do you know? Do you know? Do you really know? It can be harder than you think!"
"No, no, no, skinny boy. Come with me. I'll let you be the *Powder* Boy."
"What's the powder boy?" Duo sighed.
"The Powder Boy gets to powder all of the bottoms when they get too shiny, and occasionally noses," their guide explained. "Aren't you so lucky?"
"But I don't WANT to be Powder Boy!" Duo sniffed pitifully. "I'm King Dong!"
"Not today you aren't," came the reply. "This way. The rest of you, get dressed. Quickly now! We're already behind schedule! WARDROBE MISTRESS!!"
A woman of gargantuan proportions stepped forward, dressed entirely in studded black leather, whip in hand. She was something out of Wufei's worst nightmares. "Inga vill make ZURE zey are drezzed BROBERLY," she declared with a snap of her whip.
"Oh, saints above preserve us," Quatre whimpered as Wufei fell to the floor in full swoon.
"You shouldn't do that to blind men," Trowa muttered, his own eye round as a saucer.
"It's a mission, it's a mission, it's a mission....."
Some indeterminate time later, Powder Boy checked his powder puff and turned as the door to wardrobe opened. Violet eyes widened to enormous proportions at what he saw.
Quatre had changed very little -- the addition of a cowboy hat, white mask and the removal of the tighty-whiteys that had been giving him such terrible pantylines were the most of the alterations to his appearance. Trowa, on the other hand, was now clad in nothing more than a suede loin-cloth with feathers plaited prettily into his hair, an artistic application of war-paint smeared upon his face and chest. Heero and Wufei followed sheepishly behind them, their hands cupped to hide the fact that they wore nothing at all besides the little leather strips so prettily accenting their muscular bodies, the reins trailing from 'bits' clasped tightly between their teeth. As they passed, Duo ogled them both, his mind boggling as he realized what *must* be holding the horse-tails in place!
As they stood about, Heero and Wufei shivering in mortification, the arrival of the director was announced. A woman dressed in jodhpurs flicked a crop against her leg and *beamed* wickedly at them. "Well, well. Casting certainly did a good job *this* time around! Before we get started, we need your screen names!"
"Hee...ah..um...oh...Max Do-well," Heero managed to stutter out, blushing furiously.
"Well," Quatre said, sounding slightly smug, "they told me that I could be the Long Ranger for this movie, ma'am!"
"Marvelous, marvelous, darling," the director replied, smirking. "And you, with the feathers. What's your name, you tall drink of water?"
By now, Trowa had become rather proficient at falsifying his identity and so it was without hesitation that he answered, "Bo Tarton."
"I like that," came the responsive purr. "And what about you, you little dark beauty, you?"
"Kisama!" Wufei whispered. "I don't have one!"
"Well, you can't go by kisama, that's just rude. How about John Wang?"
"NO!" Wufei cried.
"Flint Buttwood?"
"NEVER!"
"Kim Came Cum?"
A strangled moan sounded in response.
"Kim Came Cum it is!" the director cried, waving her crop in the air. "Positions everyone! Silver, Scout," she said, reaching out and pinching both of their rear ends, "on your hands and knees, my lovely boys!"
Peering through the trick mirror on the set, Treize Khushrenada smirked with pleasure as he tossed a kernel of popcorn into his mouth. "This was the best idea you've had in ages, Mirialdo!" he sighed with pleasure, watching the goings-on.
"Thank you, sir," Zechs responded. "I was rather impressed, myself. But who would have thought Wufei would end up as the bottom for that pairing? I've always thought of Trowa as more of a... submissive sort of person...."
"You have GOT to be kidding, Mirialdo! Why, that boy would even try to top me, given the opportunity!" Treize laughed.
"I suppose so, sir," Zechs nodded. "Heero is posing as a horse, so *I'M* happy. And who would have thought that little Winner boy would be so good at ...riding him?"
Treize only smiled. "I'm *so* glad I managed to call cousin Inga and arrange things so beautifully!"
>From the other side, they could hear moaning and heavy breathing. "Deeper...." Heero managed to say, tongue pressing to the bit he'd almost spat out by then. "Go deeper...."
"My Lord, he sounds *exactly* like that pink-haired fellow in Shoujo Kakumei Utena!" Zechs exclaimed. "Don't you think?"
"I always preferred Touga, myself," Treize smirked. "He had such a sexy voice. Wufei's doing rather well, I think."
"Oh, look! They're calling a halt again."
"Powder Boy!"
"Yeah, yeah...." Duo said in disgusted tones, slouching out to pat his little powder puff and then slouching back off-stage.
"Action!"
Grimly, Duo watched as the film wrapped up and muttered underneath his breath. "'S just not fair," he declared, lips set into a semi-permanent pout. "*I* wanted Wufei!" Moping, he leaned a shoulder against the wall and sighed.
"Powder Boy!" The androgyne was back once again.
"Yeah, yeah," Duo replied, sighing and lifting his puff.
"No, no!" he was told. "We don't need any more *powder*. They're all *done*, can't you see? No, see, at this point, it's the Powder Boy's job to clean up the mess he made with all the *powder*."
Duo glared at the creature balefully. "You want me to wash their asses off now?"
A tittering giggle escaped those lips. "No, no! Don't be silly, little skinny boy! *Now*, we want you to sweep and mop!"
"MOP!! WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOO~OOOOOOOO!!!!!!" Duo shrieked and took off running, followed by Wufei as he desperately attempted to escape the clutches of Bo Tarton.
"Kisama! The movie's over! Stop it! STOP III~IIIT!"
"Heero," Quatre said, wiping the sweat from his brow, "I guess we should follow them."
"Hn."
"Mission accomplished!" Quatre whispered.
"Hn," Heero repeated with just the vaguest hint of a smile. "How does all this fit in with your religious beliefs?"
"Well," Quatre said, smiling back at him, "I think that God will love us just as we are." The two of them walked off into the sunset together after their friends; and if their hands accidentally brushed together and stayed that way.... Well. Nobody noticed but them.
"Ohhh," Wufei moaned, reaching back and rubbing his bottom with a resentful scowl. "Did he have to do it so *hard*?"
"I know what you mean," Quatre said, sighing. "He gets that whole top thing into his head and there's JUST no reasoning with him."
"Doesn't matter, ne, Wu-chan?" Duo asked him. "I'll give you a bubble bath if you want..."
"Eeek!" was the half-faint response as Wufei looked at him with huge eyes. "No! Well... um... maybe."
"C'mon, Wu-chan," Duo said, leading the blind man upstairs with a hand on his elbow. "I've got the *best* bubble stuff. It'll make ya feel like a new man. Maybe even cure your blindness..."
"You think? Wow, that must be some bubble bath," Wufei's voice trailed back.
"You'll have to see it to believe it, man."
Heero and Quatre glanced at one another and blushingly glanced away as Trowa came into the room. "Where did Wufei go?"
"Ahhh, he went upstairs with Duo," Quatre said as gently as possible.
"Shoot."
"And we were just going upstairs, too," Heero said hurriedly. "Quatre, I need you to help me with that thing you were going to help me with..."
"Thing?" Quatre asked before the light finally dawned. "Thing! Oh! Yes! That thing!" he replied, grabbing Heero's wrist and hurriedly drawing him out of the room. "Let's go take care of that thing *right* now, Heero!"
Left alone in the kitchen, Trowa sighed and seated himself at the kitchen table. From upstairs, a startled squawk was followed by an exclamation.
"OH, MY GOD! YOU REALLY *****ARE***** KING DONG!"
"Hey, I coulda toldja, Wu-chan. I run and I hide, but I *never* ~lie~...."
"Deeper... go DEEPER!"
"Heigh-ho, Silver! AWAY!"
/I don't want to know,/ Trowa told himself sternly as he rose to rummage through the junk drawer. "I just don't want to know. There must be SOMETHING here...." And as his fingers came in contact with deliciously smooth plastic, he suddenly knew.
Alex and Mueller weren't so crazy after all.
THE END!
(:./yoiko/wiwp12)
