A psychotic tribute to Jet Li, Hong Kong martial movies (good & bad) especially the Once Upon a Time in China I-III. Enjoy.
Note: Everybody Loves Wufei is also the second part of the 'Sally vs. Treize' series
Dorothy looked around her and poured the vial of white powder into the cream for the tea. If I put it in the tea itself, it'll get cloudy and the servants might throw it out, she thought. Ah, Relena-sama, I know you take cream with your tea. You'll instantly fall in love with the person who doesn't take cream. She walked out of the kitchen and laughed wickedly with amusement. Oh, yes, I must tell Treize-sama that his darling bishonen is on this estate.
As she walked down the hall to the door, Relena saw her with her purse and coat on. "Oh, Dorothy, are you leaving so soon?"
Dorothy smiled and said, "I'm sorry, but there is a family function I must attend. I must promise I will attend your next tea."
"I'm sorry to see you leave. I hope that your family is well. I was hoping to change your mind about absolute pacifism."
"Perhaps another time." With that, she walked past Relena. Ah, if only I could see the ensuing chaos, she thought as she walked out the door. Then she laughed again.
Wufei was on the third floor of the mansion, looking out the window when he saw the icy blonde girl get into her limousine, laughing. Good, he thought, I do not trust that onna. She's always smiling with that strange look in her eyes.
Noin, Wufei, Relena, Duo, Quatre and Trowa were at the table with the teapot, the cream, sugar and lemon on a tray near Relena, who was sitting at the head of the table. "Where's Heero and Sally?" said Relena.
"Heero and Sally went to get some supplies. They should be back in about a half hour."
"Oh dear, the tea will be cold by the time they get back. I'll have the servants make up another pot but I hate to see this one go to waste," Relena said. The butler then poured everyone a cup.
Everyone but Wufei put cream into the tea. Noin and Quatre put in a little sugar. Wufei, however, took his black. "I like my tea strong and pure," he said. "I find the bitterness of the tea refreshing."
After he finished his cup, he noticed that everyone was staring at him and smiling. He frowned and looked down. He was wearing his usual baggy pants, so his fly wasn't open and nobody could see it from where they were anyway. He patted his hair. Everything felt like it was in order.
"Wufie," said Duo.
"Wufei!" said Wufei. Ugh, he's drooling and the food's not even out yet.
How revolting, he thought.
Noin squealed like a little school girl, "Oh, Wufei, your hair is so glossy and sleek today. Did you do anything different?"
"Absolutely not, woman!" He looked at Trowa and Quatre, who he hoped would say something rational.
"Wufei, you must come to our room and have dessert with us. Lots and lots of dessert," said Quatre. Trowa nodded enthusiastically.
Wufei stood up, a butter knife in his hand. Something terrible is going on here, he thought. It was after that tea, tha... Then he opened his eyes wide. It must be that onna with the terrible eyebrows!
"Wufei Chang!" said Relena.
"Yes?" Sweat beads were just dripping down his face.
She had that scary loony look on her face that she usually reserved for Heero. "Let me be your Empress and I will make you King of the World as long as you rock mine."
Wufei let out the loudest, most terrified and frightening shriek known to mankind, then ran out of the room. I've got to get back to my room, get the keys to my motorcycle and get the hell out of here.
Quatre tried to block his way, but he kicked him right in the stomach out of his way and ran up the stairs.
Relena yelled, "I command all of you to leave him to me!"
Of course, everybody ignored her.
Wufei got in his room, barricaded the door with the dresser and the bed. Muffled shouts of "Wufie, come on out, hot stuff," and "my prince," could be heard behind the door. He picked up his loose fitting jacket and opened the window only to see Trowa coming up on a ladder. He climbed unto the ladder, then pushed away from the house. He spun the ladder around and it hurtled through the air until the upper end landed on a tree branch. Seeing Trowa continuing to climb after him, he slid down, trying to slam his foot into Trowa's head. However, Trowa leaped out of the way and waited for him.
"But still you chase after my butt," said Wufei.
Trowa then got into a fighting stance.
Wufei narrowed his eyes, "I recognize that stance. Who taught you martial arts?"
"There were some Chinese mercenaries I used to work with. One was nicknamed Bold."
"Well, now you must face the martial arts handed generation upon generation from my ancestor Wong Fei Hung from the Fushan region of Canton."
Impressive theme music came from nowhere.
"You mustn't fight!" cried Quatre. "You might bruise his luscious skin."
"Kisama!" screamed Wufei. "Don't talk about me like that."
"I agree with Quatre!" said Relena. "There's no fighting in my kingdom and
Wufei does have a wonderful complexion!"
Seeing Wufei distracted, Trowa ran towards him, then did his triple axle leap. Wufei, seeing him move from the corner of his eye, turns, leaps up himself and does the famous No-Shadow kick, which consists of Wufei kicking Trowa seven or eight times rapidly in succession in the chest and abdomen while in midair. Trowa flies very, very far away.
"Wufei, you're magnificent!" Duo runs to glomp on him, but Wufei spins and gives a powerful kick in the midsection that knocks him down. He thought to himself, Oh, I am so glad Heero didn't drink the tea with cream.
"Treize-sama, would you like to see something amusing?" said Dorothy.
"I'm quite busy," said Treize, looking at his mountain of paperwork at his desk.
"It's about Wufei."
Treize looked at her. Dorothy flipped open her laptop. "I had managed to hack into the video security system in the house. I hope you enjoy the spectacle." She put it in front of him, and turned it on.
After warming up and certain things were clicked, the computer began showing Wufei's duel with Trowa. Treize watched, his eyes twinkling and his heart going pitter-pat. A slight blush marked his face. "Occasionally, I wonder why I adore that bishonen. Then this... " He sighs with pleasure. "Dorothy, I can never repay you. Now I must go and watch this firsthand. Oh, may I borrow your computer?"
"Certainly, Treize-sama."
Heero & Sally drive up to the estate and hop out of the jeep. "I can't believe we had to drive all that way just to find some beer for Duo," said Sally.
"Hn," said Heero, then he frowns at the sight of Quatre trying to lasso Wufei while he fends it off with a rake. "Is this a game?"
Wufei sees them standing there, runs up to them and says, "You're finally back!"
"What's going on, Wufei?" said Sally.
"All of them drank tea with their cream and now they all insist they love me."
"It must be drug-induced," stated Heero flatly.
"Kisama!" snapped Wufei. Then he scowled, "It probably is. I'm the only one who didn't have cream with his tea and I'm acting perfectly normal. I believe Dorothy is the one who did it. She laughed as she got into her limousine right before all this... " He waves furiously at all the people smiling at him and of course, Duo slowly getting up from off the ground.
"Wufei, how I adore you!" said Relena. "I am so over Heero."
All of a sudden, Heero had the brightest smile in the universe.
"Don't look so smug," Wufei cried. "Duo's attracted to me, too."
His smile faded. "He is?"
Duo had managed to sneak up to Wufei and glomp unto him. "Wufie, I see you like to play rough. Pour it on!" He nibbled on his earlobe.
Wufei turned a very nasty shade of lime green while steam came out of Heero's ears. Heero started to search his shorts for a gun while Wufei tried in vain to shake off Duo's stubborn grip around his shoulders.
"Get off me, you... you octopus!" Wufei howled as Duo's hands start to wander towards places one would rather not describe at this moment.
"I know how to cure this," said Heero. He took out his gun.
Sally pushed the gun down. "Heero, it's obvious that Duo doesn't know what he's doing."
"I wasn't going to kill Duo. I was about to kill Wufei."
"Kisama! You have no honor shooting an unarmed man." Wufei then does a magnificent tumble forward, shaking off Duo in the process. Duo stands and begins to make kissy faces at Wufei when Heero steps in front of him and hits him hard in the stomach. He falls to the ground.
Noin says, "Darling Wufei."
"Darling Wufei?" repeats Sally.
Noin ignores her. "I know you can't fight a woman, Wufei."
"Yes, but I can," said Sally. The women proceed to do hand to hand combat.
Heero had in the meantime knocked out both Quatre and Relena. Then Trowa walked up to Heero and said, "Who am I? Do I know you? I feel as if I'm looking for someone."
Wufei hid behind Sally who had managed to deck Noin.
Heero said, "I am your big brother Heero. You have suffered a grave injury. You must take a nap. I'll tell you everything when you wake up."
"Yes, oniisan." Trowa lies down beneath a tree and goes to sleep.
"Now, what?" says Wufei. "They'll wake up and keep chasing after me."
Heero said, "I will go to Dorothy's house and threaten to kill her unless she gives me the antidote. I'll get a sample of the cream to analyze in case she doesn't have one."
"What do I do in the meantime?" snarled Wufei.
"Keep fighting and do not kiss Duo." Heero rode off in the jeep. Sally turns to Wufei and says, "You take care of the guys, I'll take care of the women."
"Good."
"In the meantime, I'll see if I can't sweet talk the servants into locking them up and giving them tranquilizers."
Treize's limousine entered the palace grounds. Treize stepped out with a beautiful bouquet of roses for his beloved enemy. Even if he won't accept the flowers, he's sure to duel with me, he thought happily.
He saw Wufei sitting outside with Sally Po. Sally said, "Thank god, we've put everyone to sleep. Finding enough chains was tough."
Wufei nods wearily. "I could cure everyone with Chinese medicine, but there's no nearby store that sells bear gall, scorpion venom or cannabis."
Sally keeps her mouth shut on her sudden vision of the Gundam Wing pilots flying stoned.
Wufei sees Treize, then stands up. Strangely, there is a smile on his face.
Treize smiles as well and says, "Wufei."
"Treize, I finally realize what is motivating your behavior and I feel compassion for you.."
"Really?" Treize's heart goes doki, doki.
"You are under the influence of drugs," announces Wufei.
Treize would've facevaulted except that would be so unelegant. Sally sweatdrops and says, "Uh, I don't think his attraction to you is artificial."
"Why not?" says Wufei.
Treize thinks really hard and decides to play along with Wufei's delusion. "It is? I'm... I'm so shocked and mortified."
Wufei smiles triumphantly. "Let me tie you up and I'll wait for Heero to come back with the cure."
"Anything you say," Treize said, trying to keep the excitement from his voice.
"I'll be the one to tie up Treize!" says Sally. I don't trust him at all, she thought.
Treize scowls.
Heero sneaked into Dorothy's bedroom. She walked in, only to hear "Omae o korosu."
She turned around to see him standing with a gun to her head and smiled, "Ah, if it isn't Heero Yuy."
"Where is the antidote?"
"Antidote to what?"
"That love drug you put into the cream. Everybody's now infatuated with Wufei including my boyfriend."
Dorothy laughed and clapped her hands. "Including Relena, ha, ha."
"If you don't give me the cure, omae... " Then he realizes that Dorothy is just as hard to scare as Relena, though for very different reasons. I need to think of something else.
Heero's cellular phone goes off. "Yes?" he says taking it out of his shorts.
The voice on the cellular phone says, "This is Sally. I've got Treize tied up in one of the rooms. I wanted to stab him, but Wufei insists on killing him in a proper duel."
"One minute." Heero turns to Dorothy. "If you don't give me the cure, I will pair Treize with Relena."
Her smile faded. She yelled, "No, you mustn't! You can't slash him with that creature!"
"Imagine Relena and Treize walking down the aisle, husband and wife... " intoned Heero. He involuntarily smiled at the thought.
"Noooooo!" howled Dorothy. "Treize only deserves the best bishonens in the world!" She suddenly became SD and had big tears in her eyes. Her eyebrows were still forked.
Heero frowned. Dorothy likes yaoi? "Hurry, where is it and did you put it in anything else?"
She went back to normal size and gave him a 50 cc vial from her purse.
"They only need 2 ccs each and the effect should be fairly instantaneous. I only had enough time to put it in the cream." Then she smiled again. "But, Heero, do me the favor of slashing Treize with Wufei."
"... " says Heero.
Zechs drove to his sister's house, thinking, I wonder how she is and Noin is probably there as well. It'll be nice to see the both of them again. He sees Wufei and Sally sitting on the front steps of the mansion, looking very tired.
"Hi, I'm here to visit Relena. Is something wrong?"
Sally looks up at him and says, "She's a little sick. Dorothy put in a little something in her tea and now she thinks she's in love with Wufei. It's best not to see her. One of the servants managed to give her a tranquilizer. Noin has also been affected. If you do see them, don't take anything of what they say seriously."
"Oh, I see," said Zechs.
Wufei says, "Yes, Treize is also affected by the drug. He also thinks he's attracted to me."
Zechs says, "I don't think it's drugs."
Wufei snarls, "What man would be attracted to me? I am too manly."
Zechs decides to hold his tongue. "I believe I still want to see both of them."
Sally sighs and takes Zechs to see both of them. Relena is still asleep, but Noin takes one look at him and howls, "What is this blond moptop doing here? I want my delicious piece of dimsum here now! I want Wufei!" She pulls at her bindings.
Zechs turns to Sally and sighs, "You're right. She's not right in the head at all."
Meanwhile, in another room, Trowa wakes up and says, "I must... I must be with Wufei."
Duo meanwhile wakes and says, "Wufei likes bondage, how kinky."
Quatre wakes up and pouts, "Oh, it was going to be so nice."
Treize merely lies on his back and thinks about Wufei.
Heero finally comes in his jeep,screeching to a halt, hops out and makes a beeline directly to Duo's room. Wufei weeps with joy. Soon, it will all be over, he thought.
"Sally, must we cure Relena?" said Heero. "I rather like her like this."
"Yes! We must cure Relena!"
Heero glared at Sally. Sally walked into Relena's room then stepped out a minute later, "It's done."
Heero's shoulders sag as the familiar voice yells, "Heero!"
Once cured and unbound, Noin wept copious amounts of tears. "Oh, Zechs, I'm so sorry. I... Those horrible things I said to you."
Zechs looked concerned and patted her on the head. "Dear Noin, please don't worry. Everything has been explained to me. I forgive anything you've done which I've been assured has been nothing at all." He gave her a hug. I've got to calm her down, she's taking this way too hard, he thought.
"I feel so awful." Noin broke away from him and ran up the stairs. Zechs hurried after her, afraid she might do something drastic.
Meanwhile Wufei smiled and turned to Treize and said, "Now we can finally duel with honor without your mad obsession." Then he said, "I'm thirsty."
Treize gave him a glass of milk plus something extra. "Here you go." I am such a rat, thought Treize.
Wufei drank it absentmindedly. Wufei began to feel the effects of the drug. Horrified, he says, "Kis... " Then he stopped, then said, "Kiss, me Treize." A big, silly grin was on his face.
"With pleasure," said Treize. He would've, too, except Sally hit Treize and Wufei on the head with a big hammer which promptly disappeared. Treize fell to the ground with a big bump on his head while Wufei simply fell to the floor since his head was harder...
Heero said, "Where did you get that hammer?"
Sally turned and walked up to him and said, "Well, when an anime woman gets jealous that her man is flirting with someone else, she immediately acquires the ability of suddenly getting a hammer from thin air and slamming it down on the offender's head. Once the offender has been punished, the hammer naturally disappears."
"Hmm," says Heero. "But Wufei looked so happy."
Sally scowled.
"How terrible," wailed Quatre as he and Trowa hugged each other, weeping. "To think I threw you over for Wufei, of all people!"
"Oh, Quatre, to think this drug overrode our love for each other!"
"Trowa!"
"Quatre!"
"Trowa!"
"Quatre!"
"It is all my fault. Will you forgive me?"
"Yes, my seme," said Trowa. Quatre picks up Trowa and they run towards their bedroom.
"Oh, come on, Heero," pleaded Duo. "You are my one and only."
"Hn." Heero turned his back on his boyfriend.
"Look, Q & T just made up lickety split. Do I have to get on my hands and knees and beg forgiveness? What else besides brain warping drugs could me lust after Wufei!"
"Hey!" snapped Sally. "Wufei's... " Then she realized that he wasn't around. "Where is that guy?" She went to look for him.
"Well, that would be a start," said Heero coolly. Duo wrapped his arms around his waist from behind and began whispering some naughty suggestions in his ear, so naughty that Heero blushed. "You are a hentai," he said flatly. Then he swept Duo off his feet and ran into another bedroom.
In the meantime, Wufei was carrying Treize to the limousine, saying, "Now, slave, I shall teach you about various erotic scriptures from Chinese literature including the Carnal Prayer Mat and teach so many positions your mind will boggle. But only as long as you obey me, your master."
"Yes, my seme," says Treize, swooning with delight, a delirious grin on his face.
Relena's voice was heard yelling, "Let me out! Let me out now!"
The servants, thinking she is quite mad, ignore her.
"Wufei and Treize are running off together!" Sally yelled as she burst into the house upon seeing Wufei and Treize drive off in the limousine. She looked around to see that help was not forthcoming. Heero was too busy fun... er... punishing Duo while Trowa & Quatre were, um, comforting each other over their temporary lapse in faithfulness. Relena was still locked up in her room while Zechs was trying to keep a suicidal, remorseful Noin from jumping out the fifth story window.
"I must go and save Wufei," Sally said. Sally picked up Wufei's jacket, takes out the keys to his motorcycle, took the remaining antidote, strapped a rifle to her back, puts two pistols the holsters on her gunbelt and puts on Duo's sunglasses. Looking tougher than any heroine in an exploitation movie, Linda Hamilton from T2 or Chow Yun-fat for that matter, she revved up the motorcycle and rode off to save her man.
The End
The next story (Sally vs. Treize, round 3) if I make it may be called Hitwoman for Love
(:./mk/everybody3)
