31-Jan-2003
Author: Hyuy
Word Count: 761
Pairing: Duo/Wufei
Warning: icky in parts
Title: Moo
"You know, I'm starting to think you have a thing against Americans," Duo said, as he looked dubiously at the pregnant cow.
Wufei wanted to roll his eyes, but he controlled himself. "Don't be foolish, Maxwell. I do not have the time nor the inclination for such stupid prejudices."
"Yeah, that's what you say, but you'll notice that I'm the one down here with the cow. I mean, what? You couldn't have asked Heero?"
"Yuy is piloting the transport," Wufei said through gritted teeth, and then slowly, slowly unclenched his jaw.
"Oh, sure, make excuses for him!" Duo waved a hand in the air. "God knows we wouldn't want to bother the great Heero Yuy for something as mundane as a sick cow!"
Wufei closed his eyes and counted to ten. In six languages. When his breathing was once more under control, he opened his eyes and looked at Duo. "I am not 'making excuses'. Yuy is piloting this craft to Colony X-IV. Someone must do so, and in this case, that someone is Yuy. Also, the cow is not sick, but pregnant."
"Sick, pregnant, it's all the same to me. It's a cow, Wufei! Why the hell am I here?"
To Duo's surprise, Wufei suddenly looked uncomfortable. Duo narrowed his eyes; he would almost swear Wufei was blushing. "Well, Wufei? I'm waiting!"
Wufei cleared his throat. "Well. I believe the calf is in the breech position."
"So? I repeat: why am I-" Suddenly Duo's eyes widened. "Oh, no no no no no! No way, man!"
"Maxwell-"
Duo cut him off with a shake of his head. "No! I am not sticking my arm inside some cow!"
"The calf must be turned, or it and the cow could both die during labor."
"So what? It's just a cow!"
"Duo!" Wufei was scandalized. "Colony X-IV is new and agrarian and quite poor. They have pooled all the money they had to purchase this livestock. And you would just let the cow die, dooming the colony to years without meat or fresh milk-"
"All, right, all right! The cow must live!" Duo crossed his arms and glared at Wufei. "But how come I have to do it?"
Wufei shrugged. "You have the longest arms."
Duo looked at his arms, then at Wufei's, and then sighed. "And it's not because I'm American?" he asked suspiciously.
Wufei put two fingers to his forehead. He could feel his head throbbing. "No, Maxwell. It is because you have the longest arms. Your being an American is just a lucky bonus."
Oddly, Duo just grinned at his comment. "Hey! An insult! I knew you had it in you!" He turned to look at the cow. "So, what exactly do I have to do here?"
"Stick your hand into the cow's uterine cavity, find the calf, and turn it around."
"Ick. Damn, Wu, you sure know how to show a guy a good time, you know that?" Duo walked up to the cow and gingerly patted its flank. "Do you have any idea of the amount of pressure a cow's sphincter can exert?"
"No, but I'm sure you do," Wufei said darkly.
Duo stood stock still for a moment, and then turned to face Wufei, a feral grin on his face. "Wufei! That was an innuendo!"
Wufei blinked, startled. Duo took two steps toward Wufei and fisted his hands in his shirt. "It was! Not only that, it was a sexual innuendo! And not only that, it was a sexual innuendo about bestiality!"
Wufei opened his mouth, but no sound came out. Duo's grin widened. "Wu, my man, you have been holding out on me! You're not innocent and proper at all!"
Once again, Wufei tried to speak, but this time he was stopped by Duo's mouth, which covered his own in the wettest, hottest, sexiest, most aggressive kiss he had ever received. Minutes later, Duo released him, watching in amusement as he tried to compose himself.
Eventually, Wufei licked his lips and asked, "What was that for, Maxwell?"
Duo draped a companionable arm over Wufei's shoulder. "Well, cows are plenty fun and all, but they won't suck you off, even if you ask them nicely, you know?"
Wufei coughed and choked, and his nose started to bleed, and the cow mooed, and Duo sat on the floor and laughed until he cried. After a minute, Duo stood up, gave Wufei a handkerchief, turned the calf, took Wufei back to his room, and showed him, quite clearly, how very nicely indeed he could ask for things.
The End
(:./hyuy/snogs4)
