10-Oct-2000
first off, i apologise to tyr, who will probably be too grossed-out to read this.
second, this is the third of my little fics in what i am calling 'the real life sequence'. this, too, is *also* a story that i know about from RL. i hasten to add, it did *NOT* happen to me, nor was i the, ahem, 'retrieval specialist'. i was a consultant, however.
so, then. on we go.
DISCLAIMER: Sunrise, Bandai et al own GW, and if they're going to sue over anything, it will probably be this. I know *I'd* sue. But I own nothing, so it would ultimately be pointless.
WARNING: 2+?, weird, just plain icky
*=emphasis
Quatre sat down to dinner, and looked around the table somewhat anxiously. Still no Duo. He turned to the two boys sitting across from him. "Trowa, Wufei, where's Duo?"
Trowa just raised an eyebrow and shrugged. Wufei put another spoonful of rice on his plate and said, "He's probably holed up in his room. You know how depressed he gets when Heero's away on a mission."
Quatre snorted. "Depressed or not, he has to eat. He didn't come down for breakfast *or* lunch. I'm getting a little worried." He looked at Wufei, eyes all wide and very blue.
Wufei sighed. "I'll go get him, okay? Just stop looking at me like that."
Wufei climbed the stairs, the sound of Quatre's giggles trailing behind him. He reached Duo's room and knocked on the closed door. "Duo? Time for dinner."
There was no answer.
Wufei knocked a little harder. "Duo? You need to come down and eat. You're upsetting Quatre."
Still no answer.
"DUO! Open the door and come down to dinner, or I will *break* it down and force feed you!"
The door opened, revealing a rather frazzled looking Duo. He was flushed and sweating, his hair was coming out of its braid in several places, and he was frowning. "Fine, I'll be right down, okay? Just let me fix my hair." He closed the door in Wufei's face.
Wufei, slightly puzzled, shurgged and returned to the dining room. In answer to Quatre's quizzical look, he said "Duo will down when he's done fixing his hair." He sat down and began eating.
Five minutes later, Duo entered the dining room, his hair immaculate once more. All three pilots watched him enter. Duo was walking a little strangely; almost as if he had pulled a thigh muscle or had underwear that was riding up on him. He sat down very slowly and carefully, and then noticed that everyone was staring at him. "What? You've never seen a totally gorgeous guy sit down before?" The other boys quickly looked away.
The strange tension coming from Duo affected the others, and they all ate quietly, not talking to each other. Suddenly, Wufei cocked his head, listening. Finally, he asked, "Do any of you guys hear that... buzzing sound?"
To everyone's surprise, Duo blushed a deep red before all the color drained from his face. He pushed his plate to one side and began hitting his head on the table, over and over. Everyone stared at him, stunned. Finally, Wufei stretched out a hand and grabbed Duo's hair, holding his head still. "Explain, Maxwell."
Duo blushed again, and hid his face in his hands. "This is *so* embarrassing! I so *don't* want to tell you guys, but I have to, because I've tried and I've tried and I can't and it's DRIVING ME CRAZY!"
Quatre opened his mouth to speak, but Duo stopped him. "Shhh. Just listen, and don't look at me. I don't think... oh, God, just kill me now. Please." He took a deep breath to calm himself, and then continued.
"So, Heero's gone, right? And I'm... lonely. And I don't *like* being lonely. So I got a little toy to help, uh, *ease* the loneliness. Only I lost the toy and I can't get it back, and I'm going crazy!"
All three pilots looked at Duo as if he really *were* crazy. Suddenly, Wufei understood Duo's obscure meaning, and quickly reached for a napkin to stauch his massive nosebleed. His black eyes looked shocked.
Trowa looked back and forth between the two boys, and suddenly he understood as well. His eye widened. Quatre blushed a delicate pink as he, too, understood the situation. Still, it's always better to get things out in the open. He coughed and said "You lost a vibrator up your ass, didn't you?"
Duo began banging his head on the table again.
Quatre just shook his head. "Duo, really! How could you *lose* a vibrator?"
Duo glared at him. "Well, it's not like it's on a leash, you know! It just, kinda, slipped, and now I can't get it back. I've been trying to, um, retrieve it all day. I just can't reach it."
Trowa snickered, and Duo turned to glare at him. "Well, we're not all as flexible as you, Circus Boy! So just shut up!" He swallowed hard and looked at the other boys, a desperate expression on his face. "One of you will have to get it for me."
Three pairs of shocked eyes met his. "Oh, come on, guys! It's been there since last night, and it's starting to hurt, and I can't get it, really! I've tried and tried! You have to help me, *please*!!"
The three pilots looked at Duo, than at each other, than back at Duo. It was obvious that the braided boy was in pain, but... UGH! No-one wanted to accept *this* mission. Duo now had tears welling up in his eyes. Sighing to themselves, Wufei, Trowa and Quatre played a quick game of "scissors, paper, rock" to see who the 'lucky' boy would be. Trowa sighed as he looked at the two 'papers' that covered his 'rock'. He *always* got the dirty jobs.
With a pathetically grateful expression on his face, Duo led the banged boy upstairs. Wufei and Quatre watched them leave, and then looked at each other. At the same time, they each grabbed a glass from the table and raced up the stairs to eavesdrop.
They leaned against the door, glasses to their ears. They were unable to hear what Trowa was saying, but they could clearly hear every one of Duo's very vocal responses.
"Of *course* it's slippery! It's *inside* me!"
"Yes, it's still on! If I couldn't grab it, I could hardly turn it off, could I?"
"Trowa, put down the pliers! Put them *down*!"
"Stop it! You're just pushing it farther! STOP IT!"
"No, you can *NOT* tape a tack to your finger, and try to hook it! I said no! No tacks!"
A good 40 minutes went by before Trowa opened the door. He flashed Wufei and Quatre the victory sign, and went to the bathroom to wash his hands for the next ten minutes. For weeks afterwards, the word "retrieval" would cause him to shudder violently.
Quatre and Wufei peered into Duo 's room, and saw him lying on the bed, muttering, "Thank God thank God" over and over. He looked up to see the two boys watching him. "Damn, I'm sore! I'm never, ever, having sex again." Wufei snorted, while Quatre just rolled his eyes. "No, *really*, guys. Never, ever again!"
All three boys turned their heads as they heard the front door slam. Heero's voice floated up the stairs. "Duo-koi! I'm home!" There was a distinctly lascivious tone to his voice. Duo's eyes widened in utter panic as he got up and hobbled like an old man, trying to get the door locked before Heero reached it.
Quatre and Wufei just ran like hell.
END END END
that's it. what did you think?
myself, i thought it might be *too* gross for the ML. and if *i* thought that... sorry if i upset anyone.
hyuy
has had a strange life, now that she thinks about it.
(:./hyuy/lost)
