27-Oct-2000
here is another of my stream-of-consciousness thingys, based on one of the most beautiful love songs i know, by thomas dolby, off his great and glorious cd 'astronauts & heretics'. of course, i mangled it, leaving out great big hunks of the song. c'est la vie.
it's *also* where i got the title for my last fic. what can i say? i like the boy.
Disclaimers: Sunrise, Bandai et al own GW, Thomas Dolby owns "I Love You Goodbye", and I own nothing. Suing would be pointless.
Warning: kind of OOC, implied yaoi, somewhat angsty, Quatre POV
* = emphasis
~~ enclose the lyrics
~~I would never normally go bowling on a Friday morning in New Orleans~~
This was a mistake. This was a mistake, and I knew it the moment I put my hand on the door, but what was I supposed to do? What had you *left* for me to do?
The woman behind the counter barely raised her eyes as I came in. Just another visitor for her. It always amazed me. What do people see when they look at me, anyway? The blond head, the tidy suit? Nobody noticed the smiles don't reach my empty eyes. I died eight months ago, Trowa. Did you know that? It doesn't matter -- no-one else knew it, either.
I coughed and flashed her my best almost-smile. "I'd like to see the cats, please."
~~but I like to come here to remember the kind of places you took me~~
For a Humane Society, it wasn't that bad. The cats roamed free, all together in one room. They seemed to like it.
No, it wasn't too bad-- until you realized that in about a week, every cat you could see would be dead. Only to be replaced by another group of the unwanted, the unloved... nobody's pets anymore. Just like me. Nobody's pet anymore.
I shook my head. That wasn't why I was here. Suddenly, I saw you before me. Once more I saw that amazed look on your face when you realized we had enough money to take every cat home with us, if we wanted. You had spread your arms wide and laughed, head tipped back. You had never looked more open, or more beautiful. I wanted--
I shook my head again, and dispelled the vision. I would *not* think about that, about you. I wouldn't. It's always the happy memories that cut the deepest. But I won't bleed for you anymore.
~~Let the bontemps rouler from your accordeon~~
I knelt down, and held out my hand to the tiny black cat. "Oh, you're beautiful," I whispered. "So sweet, so perfect. Come here, little one. I won't hurt you."
My hand trembled as the pink tongue scraped along my fingers. You had said almost those exact words to me, in just that tone, so very long ago.
It took me too long to understand you never meant it.
When I left, the black cat left with me.
~~under a cajun moon I lay me open~~
I sat in a chair in my darkened bedroom, staring blankly out the window. The cat, sleepy and warm, purred quietly in my lap. I was still thinking of you, fool that I am.
The full moon was shining that night as well, when I came home to find you packed and leaving.
You told me that you loved me, but you weren't *in* love with me, and that you weren't happy. You kissed the top of my head, told me you knew I would understand, and then you left. Just walked away. From me, from us, from everything.
What were you thinking? That just because I didn't open my mouth, I wasn't screaming? That just because there was no blood, I wasn't wounded?
I died that day, Trowa. And you just walked away, and the light of the moon cast shadows across your face, revealing the stranger you had always been.
~~there is a spirit here that won't be broken~~
God knows you should have some happiness, after all the horrible things in your life. If anyone *deserved* happiness, it was you, my love.
But did you stop to think about me? About my happiness? I deserved some, too. I found it, and I held on to it; held on to you. The best years I ever had, I had with you.
But you left, and shattered every dream I ever had, and the broken pieces bit into me like your sister's knives. And now what? How was I supposed to be happy without you?
Dammit, Trowa, what about me?
~~some words are sad to sing, they leave me tongue-tied~~
The cat woke and stretched, her back arching delicately. She propped her paws on my chin and licked my face. Maybe the tears bothered her. I didn't notice them much anymore.
I scratched her under the chin; she purred loudly and nuzzled against my hand. I smiled and kissed her on the nose. She seemed happy, content. My smile faded - that's what I had thought about you.
I leaned back in the chair, holding the cat, those two words tumbling around in my head. Happy, content. I had been using them interchangeably, but they weren't, not really.
Has it only been contentment for you, then? None of the soul-deep joy I felt every time I looked at you? How horrible it must have been, every day to see in my face a reflection of the things you didn't have.
No wonder you left.
~~the hardest words I know are I love you goodbye~~
I squeezed the cat so hard she hissed and bit my finger. I let go, and she streaked away under the bed, hissing all the while.
Had it been that way with us? Had I held you too tightly, not knowing the difference between a caress and a stranglehold?
I wanted you to be happy, and I thought you were. But maybe I never looked closely enough. Maybe when I looked in your eyes the joy I saw there wasn't yours, but just an echo of mine.
Could I *really* have been with you for so long, and never truly looked at you?
~~je t'aime, au revoir~~
I loved you, Trowa. I still do, and I always will. I wanted you to have all of life's gifts: love, joy, happiness, and peace.
Was it so selfish, that I also wanted you to find them with me?
~~I love you goodbye~~
I suppose it was. I was the youngest of my father's children, and just a little spoiled. Sometimes I couldn't help but want it all.
You always were my everything.
~~je t'aime toujours~~
I am ashamed, as I sit in the dark in my empty room, and realize that I had always put my needs before yours. I needed you, I loved you, and therefore you *must* have needed and loved me.
I'm sorry, Trowa, I am. I will always love you. Now, I will try to prove to you, prove it to myself, by finally letting you go.
It's been eight months and counting, my love. Please, please be happy.
~~I love you I love you I love you I love you goodbye~~
END END END
that's it. what did you think?
just for the hell of it, i threw a lyric from a Bread song in there as well. did anyone find it?
hyuy
the next one will be happy. really.
(:./hyuy/goodbye)
