Title: Solace
Author: tkmaxwell777
Category: Shonen Ai/Yaoi
Pairings: 2x4, 3x1, 1x4, 3x2, 3x4/1x2 implied
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: I don't legally own them, but my heart claims rights to make them happy :)
Warnings: Angst, Language, Lemon
Archived: Yep! Thanks Lev :)
Notes: THIS IS NOT A DEATHFIC! These different scenes take place during different points of the OVA series... my very first attempt to write something WITHIN that time frame... please be kind :)
He could feel his pain. He could actually hear the sobs that weren't being released from his heart. He could sense the sorrow and anguish that was almost suffocating him. And he couldn't just lie there and let him be alone... not when he could do something about it.
Quatre closed his eyes momentarily before getting out of his warm bed to make his way to Duo's room. Upon reaching the door, he took a deep breath and knocked lightly. He could hear shuffling, Duo obviously trying to disentangle himself from the bed sheets.
"Who's there?" came the low muffled voice.
"It's me, Duo."
Quatre waited as Duo unlocked the door and opened it. "What's up, Quat?"
The blonde looked at the other boy. Duo's hair was half out of his braid, and there was a forced cheerfulness on his face. Quatre knew better; he never doubted what he felt.
"May I come in?"
Duo hesitated for a moment before nodding then stepped aside to allow the Arabian entrance. Quatre walked over to the bed and sat down.
"I know how hard you're taking Heero's death, Duo," the blonde began, seeing the braided boy flinch at the open assessment, "and I want to help."
Duo threw his trademark mask in place. "I don't know what you're talkin' 'bout, Q. Yeah, I thought Heero was an ok guy, but it ain't like we were even friends or anything."
Quatre sighed. Why did Duo have to pretend he was so carefree when all of them knew he had suffered as much, if not more, than what they all had? "Duo, I have a special gift. It allows me to feel strong emotions of those around me. I..." the blonde faltered then continued, "I felt Heero self-detonate, felt his pain... and I can feel what you are feeling right now as if those emotions are my own." Quatre amended to himself that some of them were his... he wasn't taking Heero's death easily either, and Trowa leaving without a word of goodbye only made it worse.
Duo blinked, the uncaring attitude completely demolished in light of Quatre's confession. "You felt him?"
Quatre couldn't keep the tears from coming to his eyes. "Yes... he... he only hurt for a moment... a brief moment, then he was... gone."
Duo made his way over to the bed and collapsed beside his friend. "I never even got a chance to look at the moon with him."
It was an inane comment, but Quatre understood, maybe even better than Duo did. He turned to the violet-eyed God of Death and placed his hand on Duo's shoulder. "He would have liked that."
Duo snorted. "He would have threatened to kill me then deemed it a security risk to be outside at night in the open. He always was so damn annoying."
When Duo lifted his eyes to meet the blonde's, Quatre saw the tears shimmering in their depths. He smiled sadly. "And you would have pulled his spandex-clad ass out there and forced him to anyway."
It was like a wall had crumbled. Duo was in Quatre's arms in a split second, his sobs coming in huge gulps as he tried to hold onto his control and let it go at the same time. Quatre held him close, rubbing the other boy's back soothingly. He pulled Duo into the bed with him so they were lying down facing each other, Duo still buried within Quatre's embrace.
"He's gone, Quat," Duo choked out. "He's gone, and I didn't even get the chance to love him."
Quatre tightened his arms around the braided boy. "No, you're wrong. You loved him even if you never touched him, Duo. You loved him with each look, each longing, and each dream. Heero had never been loved the way you loved him, and you will never love that way again."
"I know, but I don't think it's enough."
They lay there in silence for a while until Duo pulled away to look into bright aqua eyes. "Since you were the last one to feel him, will you give that to me?"
Quatre gently brushed Duo's hair out of his eyes. "Touch him like you always wanted to Duo... touch him through me."
It was slow and tender, each movement a memorial to the boy they missed, one as a would-be-lover, one as a heartfelt friend. Duo kissed Quatre, allowing the feel of the other boy to overwhelm everything else. Their touches were soft and gentle, but the passion built between them, and Duo was soon poised between Quatre's thighs, his arousal nudging the blonde's entrance.
"Duo," the blonde's voice almost pleaded, the emotions of them both coursing through him.
"Let me look into your eyes, Quatre, " Duo whispered, knowing that the other boy hadn't even realized he had closed them so tightly. "Let me see him in you."
Quatre gazed into violet and felt Duo sheathe himself within his warmth. It was an intense feeling, and they both cried out together, in pleasure of the moment, in anguish of the reason. Duo's tears fell on Quatre's chest as the braided boy moved in and out of the tight heat of Quatre's body, giving and taking, allowing himself to mourn and to mend. It wasn't long before he reached down and began stroking Quatre's arousal as his thrusts increased, their completions nearing. With a final stroke and a final thrust, they both climaxed, Quatre's essence releasing all over Duo's hand and himself, Duo's passion filling Quatre's body. They held each other, sobs wracking them both as they realized what they had shared... they had both screamed Heero's name as they came.
Trowa watched the dark-haired boy as they entered the hotel room. Heero had been quiet when they'd left Mrs. Noventa's house... too quiet. The tall boy knew that his fellow pilot was suffering. Heero had gone to each of Noventa's family members, handing them his gun, almost pleading for their judgment; none of them had given him what he sought. As Trowa sat down on the bed, he realized that none of them could. His eyes lingered on Heero's form as the Japanese boy booted up his laptop; then he made his decision.
"Heero?"
The dark-haired boy tensed then turned to look at his companion, a weary coldness in is eyes. "Trowa?"
Trowa stood and walked over to him. "I know why you're doing this, but you are never going to be able to make up for what you did. You made a mistake. You have to live with that."
Heero's expression hardened more, something Trowa didn't think was possible. "You don't know anything about it, Trowa. I don't expect you to understand." Heero turned away from him.
Trowa's eyes narrowed. "I understand perfectly, Heero. You think that one of his family members killing you will be justice. The only thing it would be is a waste. Death is death, no matter whose it is."
"Life is cheap, especially mine," Heero replied coldly. "It's the only thing I can do for them."
"That's a lie."
Heero spun around angrily. "Who the hell do you think you are? You save my life and suddenly you think you know all about it? Fuck you, Trowa. You don't know a damn thing about me."
"I know that you're dying inside from the guilt. I know you just want the pain to go away. I know what it is you need and will never get from them. There's only one person who can give you what you're begging for every time you hand them your gun."
Heero shook his head. "What are you talking about?" he growled.
"You want absolution. I can give it to you."
Trowa watched the emotions play over Heero's normally stoic features. "How?"
"Give me control."
Heero looked deep into the other boy's green eyes, trying to understand what Trowa meant. Before he could voice his question, Trowa leaned forward and claimed Heero's mouth in a rough kiss. Heero tensed, his body screaming at him to push Trowa away, but then Trowa pulled him to his feet, almost shoving him to one of the beds in the room. Trowa then pushed Heero down forcefully, climbing on top of the blue-eyed boy to restrain him; Heero was too stunned to struggle.
"You need to let go, Heero. You need to let someone have power over you so you don't feel so responsible. You want someone to take your blame and tell you that you don't have to bear it anymore. You want absolution, and this is the only way you will ever get it."
They stared at each other for several heartbeats until Heero closed his eyes and gave an almost imperceptible nod. Trowa ripped off his white button-down shirt, his mouth descending to take one of Heero's nipples inside to teethe. Heero's breath caught at the sensation. Trowa removed his and the rest of Heero's clothing, his touch rough yet not painful. Soon Heero was lying naked underneath him as Trowa began preparing him.
It was not gentle; it was not meant to be. Heero was yelling out under Trowa's ministrations, his calm resolve having shattered the moment he'd let Trowa begin. He looked up into intense green, as Trowa demanded that he turn onto his stomach. Trowa's hands pulled Heero onto his hand and knees, and before Heero knew what was happening, Trowa was thrusting into him. There was a little pain; Trowa knew there needed to be. Heero's voice grew louder and louder as Trowa pounded into him mercilessly.
"Trowa!"
"Tell me you're sorry, Heero."
"Trowa! Please..."
"Tell me you're sorry."
Thrust after harsh thrust hit against Heero's prostate as Trowa demanded his apology... for his mistake, for his seeking his own death, for his inability to forgive himself... Heero knew Trowa would not accept anything less, but the words would not form on his tongue. He wanted to say them, oh how he wanted to, but they were stuck in his throat, trapped by his training and his own fear of never being good enough.
"Tell me, Heero. Tell me!" Trowa's iron control was slipping, and although Heero was almost sobbing at this point, the other boy refused to submit. Trowa had expected it, known that Heero could not give in even when he knew he needed to, but Trowa also knew that what he did next would release Heero for good. In the supreme act of mercy, Trowa reached between them and began stroking Heero's erection.
"I forgive you, Heero. I forgive you for failing, I forgive you for faltering; I forgive you for everything."
Heero's heart-wrenching scream echoed throughout the room as he came, his seed flowing from his body in a release that was as emotional and psychological, as it was physical. Trowa's voice filled his ears as the tall boy filled him with his essence, a reckoning of the absolved and the absolver. They collapsed onto the bed, and Trowa pulled Heero into his arms as the other boy began to shake, his denial shattered by Trowa's acceptance, his control finally snapped in two by Trowa's actions.
"I'm sorry, Trowa. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do it. I didn't know. Please, Trowa, please believe me..."
Trowa moved the sweat-soaked hair from Heero's eyes as he kissed his forehead. "I believe you, Heero. It's okay now. Everything will be okay."
Heero's blue eyes searched Trowa's green. When he saw that Trowa meant every word, he took a trembling breath and relaxed into the other boy's arms. Moments passed as they lay there, comforting and comforted. The silence was broken by a hesitant "Thank you."
It was whispered, but Trowa heard it without even having to listen.
The tent was dark and drab. Heero took in the surroundings, his eyes landing on the form of the blonde Arabian he was traveling with, laying on one of the cots. Pale features, saddened by loss, were as drab as their sleeping quarters. Heero knew Quatre was taking Trowa's death hard. Even though the blonde tried to hide it when they were around others, Quatre would collapse when they retired for the evening. It was evident that he and Trowa had developed a deep friendship. The fact that Quatre blamed himself for the tall boy's demise was only making matters worse.
"We should leave here as soon as possible," Heero said evenly, waiting for Quatre to acknowledge him.
"All right, Heero. Just tell me when."
The tone of that voice was like a knife in Heero's heart. He felt the loss of his friend too. Trowa had been there for him in a way no one else could have. To know he'd never see those flashing green eyes again was almost too much for Heero to bear; yet he knew they had to keep going. Trowa would have wanted them to. He wished he knew what to do for the other boy, but Heero was so inept when it came to emotions. Even though he had given Trowa advice to follow his feelings, Heero didn't seem to know how to do that himself. He wanted to reach out to Quatre, to comfort him the way Trowa had him, what seemed like so long ago. He was walking over to the Arabian before he could stop himself.
"Trowa would not want you to grieve for him like this," Heero began, trying to keep his voice soft. "I know how hard it is, Quatre. I... I miss him too." Heero swallowed hard. That had been difficult to say.
Quatre turned over to face him. "I know," was all he said.
Heero saw the pain shining in those aqua depths. "Is there... anything... I can do?"
"Make me forget the pain, Heero. Make me feel like the person I used to be, before I killed one of the people I loved the most."
Heero nodded, somehow understanding exactly what the blonde was asking of him. With gentleness he never knew he possessed, Heero lowered himself onto the other boy. Their eyes locked, blue and aqua unable to look away as one begged for rebirth and the other promised it. When they were both satisfied with what they saw, Heero leaned down and took Quatre's lips in a soft kiss. Every motion became so giving, and Quatre felt the tears leak from the corners of his eyes as Heero touched him, tentative at first, then more confidently as the blonde's moans of pleasure grew louder. Heero soon had their clothes off, and they were lying naked, their bodies pressed together, then Heero's kisses were trailing fire down the other boy's neck, chest, and stomach.
Quatre could only cling to the dark-haired boy as Heero caressed him with such tenderness and understanding. It was the most beautiful thing the blonde had ever felt, and he let the anger, bitterness, and guilt flow out of him with each touch of Heero's fingers on his skin. He watched as Heero positioned himself between his thighs, and Quatre's mind went back to when Duo had taken him, mourning for Heero. It seemed rather fitting that Heero was now comforting him over the loss of Trowa. He let himself relax as the Japanese boy entered him slowly, Heero's face showing his pleasure at being buried within.
It was like a dance, graceful and rhythmic, and both of them reached completion at the same time, Heero stroking Quatre in time to his thrusts. When it was over, they lay in each other's arms, Heero trying to give Quatre what he needed, Quatre taking it without hesitation.
"Duo and I did this when we thought you were dead," Quatre whispered. "He needed someone then just like I needed you now. He screamed your name, Heero, when he climaxed. He never thought he'd get a chance to love you."
Heero pulled away to look into Quatre's eyes. "He wants to love me?"
Quatre smile, the first real smile on his face since Trowa was lost. "He already loves you. He's waiting for you to decide if you want to love him."
Heero nodded. "I didn't know... but I... Quatre, I can't... not until the war is over... then... maybe..."
"I understand, Heero... but, if he ever asks you to look at the moon with him, do it, okay?"
Heero gave the blonde a small smile. "I will. I promise."
Duo made his way down the narrow corridor. He hated seeing Quatre like this, and there was only one way to make things right. He hesitated only for a moment before knocking on the cabin door. Movement inside told him the occupant was awake. "At least now, he is," Duo thought mischievously.
Trowa's voice came through the door. "Who's there?"
"It's Duo, Tro. Let me in, man."
The door opened slowly. "Duo, what are you doing here so late?"
"I need to talk to you," Duo replied, taking in Trowa's sleepy features. At least he was sleeping; it was more than the blonde down the hall could say.
Trowa moved aside and let Duo enter. Duo looked around then sat down... on the bed. Trowa didn't miss the way Duo was regarding him thoughtfully.
"What's going on, Duo? I know you didn't just come for a late-night chat."
"Actually," the American said cheekily, "that's exactly what I came here for."
Trowa leaned against the wall, keeping the distance of the room between them. "And?"
"You may have lost your memory, Trowa, but that doesn't mean that you've lost who you are."
Trowa blinked at the braided boy. What short time he had been back with the Gundam pilots, he had observed that Duo was rather boisterous and not that serious-minded. Apparently, he had misjudged him.
"Do tell? You have some experience with this then?"
Duo sighed heavily. "No."
Trowa waited for Duo to continue. When he didn't, Trowa rolled his eyes and sighed in reply. The braided baka was spending WAY too much time with Heero. "Then what, Duo?"
"When I lived on the streets of L2, I learned there was one thing people couldn't take from you... your past. Even if they killed you, taking away your future, you would forever live in someone's memory. As long as that person remembered you and kept you alive in their heart, you never really died."
"So what's your point?"
Duo's violet eyes locked with the other's green ones. "You may not remember, but Quatre does... Quatre always will. His love for you transcends anything that has ever happened to you and anything that ever could. No matter what, you will always be with him... and in him, you will always live."
Trowa blinked. Quatre loved him? "What do you mean, Quatre loves me? You mean as a friend, right?"
Duo shook his head. "Quatre loves you like a soul mate, Tro. You two belong together. When he thought you were dead, it nearly destroyed him because he felt responsible. It wasn't his fault. That damn zero system was to blame, but still, his feelings for you remained strong, and he never gave up hope that you were alive, even when he was sure you were dead."
Trowa walked over and sat down beside Duo on the bed. "I... I feel for him too, but I'm... I'm afraid I'll hurt him. Sometimes... I just get so angry, and I'm afraid I can't control it... I can't hurt him..."
Duo brushed back the bang that fell over Trowa's face so he could look at the boy's face. "Then you need to let all of it go with someone who's not afraid to let you, Tro."
Trowa's eyes widened. "Duo... I can't... I'll hurt you..."
"No, you won't. Besides, I like it rough. Makes it interesting sometimes."
Duo lay back on the bed, positioning himself in the middle. He placed his arms above his head in a submissive gesture. He was only wearing a pair of boxers and a tank top. Trowa could see the braided boy's arousal through the thin cloth. How could he not accept what Duo was willing to give him?
Duo sensed the banged boy's hesitance. "Let me be your sounding board, Trowa. Take me hard. Take me fast. Let go and purge that person you're afraid of becoming."
Trowa was sitting on the bed one moment then on top of Duo the next. He claimed the violet-eyed boy's mouth in a fiery kiss, almost bruising those full lips with the force of it. Duo moaned and writhed against him, feeling Trowa's strength as the brown-haired boy moved his hands over Duo passionately. Trowa had their clothes off in the flash of an eye. Before Duo could even think, Trowa turned him over, nipping at Duo's shoulders along the way. It elicited the ghost of a memory for Trowa as he positioned himself behind Duo, like he'd done something like this before, only not for the same reasons.
Duo had had the presence of mind to lube himself before going to Trowa's room... just in case. He was glad he had, because Trowa grabbed his hips and thrust into him in one fluid motion, causing Duo to scream in a mixture of pain and pleasure. The green-eyed boy didn't even pause as he began pounding mindlessly into Duo's body. Duo arched with each thrust, giving into the other boy's need, offering himself as an instrument of release. Trowa tensed and came, his seed filling Duo as he cried out then he collapsed on top of the braided boy. It took a few moments for Trowa to come back to himself. When he did, he noticed two things: one, he had taken Duo without preparing him, and two, he had climaxed, but Duo hadn't. It sent waves of guilt crashing though him.
"Oh, Duo... I'm so sorry..."
Duo lifted Trowa's face so he could look at him. "I stretched myself before I left my room, Trowa."
Relief flooded the other boy, but there was still the other issue. "But you didn't come."
Duo grinned. "So... what are you going to do about that?"
It was said in such a way that Trowa couldn't help but laugh. His chuckles filled the room, more freeing than even his orgasm had been. He gazed down at the braided boy and felt his heart lighten for the first time in a long time.
"I believe I'm going to remedy the situation... right now."
With tenderness and emotion, Trowa did just that. By the time Duo left his room, they had both found what they had been looking for: Resolution of the past to free their future.
The Gundams landed on Earth, the hard-won battle over, peace finally achieved. Quatre was the first one out of his mecha, descending to the ground to only race from Sandrock over to Heavyarms. The other mecha's pilot was soon on the ground as well, and it was only a moment before they embraced.
Duo watched the display, a smile playing upon his lips as he thought that the sight proved to him that all was finally right with the world. He felt someone walk up behind him and knew exactly whom that someone was without even having to turn around. He knew the sound of his step, the rhythm of his breathing, even his very scent.
"They look good together, don't they?" came Heero's voice. It was soft, almost tentative for once.
Duo nodded. "They love each other. That's all that matters."
Heero could hear the sadness in Duo's voice. "Do you wish it was you with one of them?"
"No," Duo replied honestly. There was only one person for him, and he was standing beside him now. "Even though I know what incredible people they both are, I don't belong with either of them."
"I slept with them both," Heero said matter-of-factly.
Duo turned to look into the dark-haired boy's beautiful blue eyes. "So did I."
They stared at each other for a moment, silent and searching. Heero finally spoke. "Did you really want a chance to love me?"
Duo's eyes widened. He had never expected Heero to say that. "Quatre told you?"
Heero nodded. "Yes. Do you... do you still... feel that way?"
Duo gazed into those depths, his own violet filled with longing. "I've never loved anyone else."
Heero smiled as he reached out and took Duo's hand. "Neither have I."
They walked towards the other two pilots as Quatre and Trowa talked happily. Heero whispered in Duo's ear before they joined them. "Maybe we can look at the moon tonight... together."
The smile on Duo Maxwell's face would have fueled a thousand suns.
A blonde boy and a brunette boy lay sated and happy in their hotel room.
"Why does it feel so different with you?"
The blonde gave a knowing smile. "Because..."
"Because with the others it was only solace," a chestnut-haired boy replied to his chocolate-haired lover that still lay entangled with him.
"Solace?"
"Comfort. Release. That's what we needed then..."
"But it's not enough now," the brunette observed.
"No. What was once soothed by solace..."
"Can only be completed by love," the chocolate-haired boy said softly.
His chestnut-haired lover smiled. "Yes. Love is the only thing that can take away the emptiness when solace has faded."
Two sets of lovers kissed goodnight. Whispers of "I love you" filled their rooms as they held each other close. Solace would never have to be found again in the arms of another.
The End
(:./tk/solace)
