14 Oct 2002
Sorry this is so rough...
Title: Best Friend
Part: Ten of ?
Author: Psyche (L2Psyche00 @ aol.com)
Archive: http://www.gwaddiction.com/
Disclaimer: I don't own them. Besides, haven't you heard? Property is theft.
Rating: PG-13 for sienen ai
Warnings: mild to moderate angst, rather slow moving, language in some parts
Pairings: 2xH, 1+2
Spoilers: slight, if any
Notes: Told in the form of Duo's diary. It's AC205, and he and Hilde are married, but having problems. He is also very close with Heero. Fun!
There are also poems from Heero's POV, which can stand alone, but were intended as a sort of side to this story. There is no need whatsoever to read the poems to understand what is going on in the fic.
Feedback: All comments welcome, including criticisms.
10/07/AC205
Work annoyed me today. It seems so pontless--people coming along and handing over money to be taught to play on fake rocks, and they most of them will never go and do the real thing. I don't think they even want to. And it just gets to me that it's all so pointless.
I guess that's the same with most people's jobs... not everyone's a writer like Heero.
He just showed up this lunchtime. Why's he acting this way? I had no idea what was going on with him, and he just showed up at my work with only half an hour to chat. He's been back since the eighth! But no messages, no visits, until suddenly now when things are all ready falling apart. Which he doesn't even know, since there was no time for him to find out.
He says Relena's doing well. I asked about her thinking him ill... he says he was just fine, just tired for a while and she thought something more.
'Just tired' seems odd.
He fell silent, so I teased him about Natalie.
"She's probably missing you--you should go see her," and I grinned.
"I already have. She came over, the day I got back."
He looked off to the distance as he spoke. Avoided my eye, and I almost suspect... but he's not the type to go falling in love now. He's too much of an idiot to see what's before his eyes.
How can someone so smart be so dumb? Hilde said it to me, so I guess it's only fair for me to find someone to say it about. Not to his face though--he'd probably smile.
Yes, I did something dumb. Yes, that's right, I messed up again. I just--this situation is so impossible, what does Hilde expect me to do? Not that it's her fault, it's just that I--
So Hilde got home yesterday evening, and I acted as normal. And I felt that she watched me, but I thought I could--wanted to make it all right. So I made her a special meal, and kissed her on the forehead, and she said,
"No."
And just went to the kitchen to make something herself.
I apologised. She asked why.
"Because... I did the wrong thing, and I know, and I--"
"Do you see this as a test?" She asked, without turning round.
"Of course not! I mean--I know that's not what you wanted, not what you said in your letter, but I... I thought I could fix things..."
It was lame, but it was all I could come up with. I just couldn't work out what she wanted. Still can't.
Hilde didn't even turn to face me. Just carried on chopping veg, more viciously than ever.
"Oh yes? Well Duo, this isn't some game that you win or lose! I don't even think that you _can_ win! You just lose, or you just about scrape out of losing. That's _it_, do you understand? That's the best you can do, if you really, _really_ try hard!"
"Sweetheart, come on," I moved to touch her shoulder. "You're just upset. Let's get you to bed, and things will be better in the morning, okay?"
She shook me aside. But at least now I could see her face as she spoke--try to judge how best to approach her.
"How can someone so smart be so dumb?"
I didn't know. I told her I was sorry. That's all I felt at that moment. Sorry. I'm sorry.
Hilde shook her head.
"Why am I always your wife, and never myself?"
One of her fingers was bleeding slightly. I think on the left hand. She must have cut herself with the knife she was using. That's not like her at all.
I really screwed up.
When she guided me out of the room, she left a tiny spot of blood on the arm of my shirt.
Then she went back to cooking, leaving me to dispose of the 'making it better' meal as I saw fit.
I think she slept on the sofa. She certainly didn't come to bed.
Hilde's home again now. I'm always home first, these days. I always assumed--it always seems just to be because things are very busy at work for her right now.
We've always been in love, almost since we met. It's good this way--to have some kind of a constant, someone who's reliable like that... I told Hilde I need her.
She just said, how would I know?
I suppose all married couples have times like this. Guess I wouldn't really know though, 'cause I'm pretty sure G had no wife. Apart from the Deathscythe of course, but I don't think it would have worked out.
Having your only love be a machine really is pretty useful when you're trying to decimate someone.
It was after I destroyed the Deathscythe I moved in with Hilde. Well, apart from during the war, but that doesn't count. I'm told one of the problems with being a dead man is it really puts off any girl interested in a serious relationship. Which is kind of unfair, come to think of it, since there's no one that likes stability more than the dead and the damned.
Heero will feel he has to do something if I call him.
He and Hilde... they take things too seriously sometimes. Hilde's just like that--she's the way she is because her life makes her that way, I guess.
Only child, of a single parent, mother dead and father dying--she had to take care of him, had to know right from wrong so that he could die proud. And as a result... well, Hilde worries too much for someone who helped save the world.
As for Heero, he tends to feel kind of useless when he can't make things right. Which makes him feel guilty, which makes him feel _more_ useless, and it all just spirals downward from there.
Besides, he's probably out with Natalie again tonight.
tbc
(:./psyche/best10)
