12-Sep-2002
Title: The Awful Daring
Author: Draco
Notes: This is inspired by Lys Ap Adin's (Em) 'Who Wants To Live Forever?'. I had 3 wonderful betas for this story! Psyche and Lilias combed through this thing with such dedication that I cannot thank them enough. Em too was incredible, she pointed out plot holes and fixed mistakes as only a wifey would. There is a bit of something new in the story for each lovely lovely beta reader.
Warnings: Language, drug, angst [which is kind of obvious given this contest]
Pairings: 1+2, Duo's POV
I'm on the toilet when the doorbell rings. Diarrhea sucks. "Shit," I curse loudly. It takes me a moment to realize how appropriate that cuss word is, so I start laughing. I'm sure whoever's at the door hears me laughing, but I'm in no condition to get up and answer the door right now. The doorbell rings again after a moment. I ignore it. Maybe whoever it is will go away. A third ring. I start to notice after a few minutes that it rings every minute on the minute. I finish my business and flush the toilet. I barely had my shorts on when I open my door to greet the impeccable Heero Yuy.
"How the heck do you keep on finding me, Heero? And who is it that's trying to destroy the world this time?" I try to keep the alarm out of my voice. This is getting to be serious. It's only been eight months since Treize's daughter popped out of nowhere; that guy must have had a lot of unhappy psycho relatives. I don't think speed[1] alone is going to get me through this time... I'm pretty sure it would kill me.
Heero, however, doesn't answer. He stares at me for a moment, and then collapses into my arms.
"Shit," I yell, falling over from the unexpected burden of his weight. I guess my muscles have finally decided to leave me, and rubber chickens decided to take their places.
As I lie on the ground with an unconscious Heero Yuy on top of me, Bill casually walks over and licks my face.
"Woof!" Bill seems quite interested in this game I'm playing with Heero.
With Heero's shallow breathing on my nose and Bill's wet tongue on my cheek, I begin to wonder how God developed such a sadistic sense of humor.
Slowly, I push Heero off, and start to get up.
Before I can call the paramedics, however, Heero's eyes open and he says in a commanding voice, "Don't call the paramedics." He's kind of annoying like that.
"Are you okay?" I help him up and walk him over to my chair. He sits down heavily.
"I'm fine," Heero tells me quickly as his attention turns to Bill. Bill was feeling ignored by the stranger and had walked up to Heero and started sniffing him.
"This is Bill, by the way. He followed me home about six months ago and never left." I watch him pat Bill obligingly.
Bill is a large mutt with a considerable amount of German Shepherd in him, and a great appreciation for human affection. It appears Bill's not hard to please, because Heero's patting him very awkwardly but he's still making happy dog noises. I suspect that Heero is a dog person. Still, collapsing is not a good thing.
"I know you're into home cures, Heero, like snapping your own joints back into place, but the war's over. You can go to a hospital now and they won't try to restrain you or anything."
"I just got out of the hospital yesterday," Heero tells me.
"Why were you in a hospital?" I ask curiously. He can't have been hurt that badly from the last battle, can he?
"I got shot by drug traffickers during a sting operation," Heero answers.
"Heero, you are not supposed to travel nonstop after just being released from the hospital."
Heero shrugs.
"So, what are you doing here?" I ask. And how does he keep on finding me? Even Hilde can't find me this time. Hell, I bought this place for the specific purpose not to be found.
"You have a better hiding place than I do," Heero says, but his eyes are on Bill, "The reporters kept on trying to talk to me even in the hospital."
"Oh." Being the savior of the world does have its setbacks. I'm glad I don't have that problem. I consider my options. If I make him leave, he will probably collapse somewhere else...
"Let's take a nap," I say after a moment of silence. I am too tired to make a decision right now.
"It's five in the afternoon." Heero looks pointedly at the sunlight pouring through my window.
"That's why it's called a nap. 'Sides my house, my rules," I tell him. Without another word, I walk past him and go back to bed. Bill follows me, and after a moment Heero joins the crowd.
I'm so tired I nearly throw myself at the welcoming bed. "There's enough room for you, too, if you want to share a bed. You look like you can use a nap, Heero," I say, patting the empty part of the bed. I'm pretty surprised when Heero actually climbs on with me.
The bed is full-size, just enough to accommodate both of us without too much elbow bumping. Fearing our feet may not be warm enough, Bill plops down on the foot of the bed too.
Heero is lying with his face away from me so I find myself staring into unruly brown hair. He smells like a hospital. I'm surprised I didn't notice before.
I wonder why he didn't go hiding on his own? Maybe he gets lonely. I guess he wants to stay for a while with someone who will still treat him like the suicidal homicidal pyromaniac that he is. I snicker softly and am answered by Heero's snoring. Good God, I guess he really did need a nap. I realize that he didn't even bother taking off his tight jeans. He must have really worn himself out getting here from the hospital. But I can't let him stay here for too long.
I wake up sweating like hell. I'm burning up again. It takes me a moment to realize where I am. Heero Yuy is still asleep and he's half on top of me.
It's dark outside. My watch tells me it's eleven at night already.
Trying not to wake Heero, I detangle myself from his long limbs and climb out of bed. Bill is still lying on the foot of the bed. He looks at me accusingly. "Sorry, boy, I need this to function in front of Heero," I apologize, softly patting him on the head. I walk over to my bathroom, close the door behind me, and turn on the fan.
I open up my cabinet, and take out my syringe and my stash. When I roll up my sleeve, I wince slightly at the sight of the three abscesses on my arm. I've been sloppy lately while injecting myself. Or maybe the KS[2] is worse on the outside.
Tapping my arm until I find a vein, I shoot up[3].
The great thing about shooting crystal meth is that it takes effect pretty quickly. I feel heat spreading all over my body as I slide a little against the wall. Damn, I can feel every single fiber on the cloth I'm wearing. It's awesome.
I can hear Heero moving around outside as loudly as I can hear my own heartbeat. Quickly, I put away my stuff.
I sit down on the toilet for a few minutes. I can feel like a human being now at least for a few hours. Finally, I flush the empty toilet and step out of the bathroom.
Heero is sitting on my bed, looking at me. I'm buzzing slightly, but mostly feeling pretty okay. I bet Heero's never been high in his whole life except for when he's lost too much blood.
Heero goes into the bathroom after me, and I immediately rush to the door to listen like some weird pervert. I don't want him to find my stash. But Heero gets in and out in fifteen seconds, so I doubt it if he had the time to look through my stuff.
"Want something to eat?"
He nods. I make Heero and me some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I hope the food stays in my system for longer than ten minutes this time. Then again, I just shot up, and that helps with the diarrhea.
I hand Heero the sandwich and he eats it pretty quickly. The smell of food makes me a little nauseated, but I force it down anyway.
"Ne, Heero, if you are up to it, let's go out for a walk on the beach," I suggest. "Some fresh air will do us both good, and Bill can use a walk."
Heero nods again. I get out my bright red leash for Bill, who starts to thump his tail happily at the sight of it.
Together, the three of us set out. It takes my eyes a few seconds to adjust to the darkness. The moon isn't out tonight, and the palm trees open up to the stars.
My tiny little house practically opens up to the beach. My nearest neighbors are several miles away. I do choose my locations well.
Feeling the sand on my feet, I let out a contented sigh.
Just at that moment a shooting star streaks across the sky and fades.
"Oh, there are meteor showers this week! I forgot," I exclaim to Bill and Heero, "Let's go sit by the ocean and watch."
Without waiting for him to reply, I start walking closer to the ocean, and Bill trots along with more enthusiasm than usual. I hear Heero's footsteps following us.
I stop a few meters short of the wet sand, and plant myself on the sand along with Bill. Heero follows our lead.
"The shower should be coming from Aquarius," I point to the constellation. "Although the main concentration of them probably won't be coming for another few hours."
"Ah, no gundams falling this time." There is a small smile on Heero's face.
"I certainly hope not!" I laugh, "Or else we'd really have to kick ourselves in the butt for destroying ours."
It's a little ironic, really, that I came to earth disguised as a meteor. I was burning up long before I hit earth's atmosphere. It's been two years. I can't believe I'm still not completely gone yet. As if on cue, I feel my heart does a funky plop. Ah, the joys of cardiomyopathy[4].
"I never thought I'd survive longer than Wing." Heero's voice takes me out of my thoughts. "I almost miss it."
"You gotta admit, for fifteen year old boys, there is nothing better than giant robots," I say in fond memory, "The giant robot was the cool part. It was the war that sucked."
"Hm."
I sigh at his choice of word. And here I thought Heero and I were finally getting beyond the 'Hm' phase. Though, sitting here with him is pretty nice. He actually seems more relaxed than I've ever seen him.
Two more stars streak across the sky. This time Bill sees it too, because he woofs at it.
"Isn't Earth great? I wish I could have seen meteor showers when I was a kid. But I guess that's just one of the many things you miss when you grow up on a colony," I reflect to no one in particular.
"When I was seven, Dr. J gave me star maps to study so I could orient myself without a compass when I come to Earth," Heero says, lowering himself to the ground. "I was very young, so I tried to find the constellations in the stars from L1, and I couldn't do it. I kept on looking until I was eight, when I finally realized that I had to be on Earth to see the constellations in the same way they had it on the map."
I laugh, "I did the same thing. Well I'm happy to say that that is definitely Aquarius." I point in the direction that all the meteors have been falling from.
"Some of the mechas were named after the constellations. What do the names mean?"
"The names of the constellations?" I'm surprised Heero doesn't know. "They are named after things from Greek mythology."
"Tell me about them," Heero's voice is barely above a whisper.
"I don't really know any except one, and the one I know is pretty messed up."
"Tell me." Heero rarely repeats himself.
"Well, it's the story of Aquarius, actually," I start, "It means water bearer in Latin, I think. Anyhow, the water bearer of the gods is this guy named Ganymede. He used to be a mortal prince. But he was so handsome that Zeus, the king of the gods, came down and swooped him up so he could serve Zeus. So Ganymede became Zeus's boy toy."
Hilde told me this story one day when both of us were pretty drunk. She thought it was funny. I think it's pretty damn depressing. I doubt Ganymede wanted the job. It must seriously suck to become immortal and watch all the people you love die while you're a god's boy toy.
"What's a boy toy?" Heero asks after a moment.
"Sex toy... the guy that Zeus screws..." I elaborate.
"Ah." Heero puts his arm behind his head, and watches the sky in silence.
The sand I'm sitting on is getting warmer. I wiggle around a bit in it. I know I will probably trot it all over the house later, but I kind of like the feeling of tiny granules of sand on me. And when I get up and they start falling down, for a fraction of a second it feels like parts of me are falling off, like I'm dissolving into dust. I really like that moment. Dust to dust was Father Maxwell's favorite line.
I look over at Heero, his face is turned upward. There is a small smile at the corner of his mouth. I smile and turn my attention back to the sky to the water bearer's coordinates.
When I remember to look at my watch, it's 2am. Bill is sound asleep and Heero looks like he was going to fall asleep too. He must be really relaxed; I've never seen him looking like that except when he's about to pass out from battle injury. I'm still pretty awake from the speed. Then again, maybe he really is going to pass out again. That won't be good.
"Go back?" I ask.
Heero nods, and gets up. Bill, sensing the movements around him, also gets up. The three of us stroll back to my tiny house.
"Where do you want to sleep?" I ask Heero as soon as we are inside. "We could share the bed again, or you can crash on the couch if you like."
Heero eyes my lumpy couch, which Bill currently occupies, "Bed."
"Do you have a toothbrush?" I ask. Come to think of it, Heero didn't bring anything with him. Does he ever brush his teeth? I don't recall him ever having a bag on him.
"No, I will use yours." Heero points towards the bathroom.
"Hell no, I'm not sharing my toothbrush!" I exclaim. My mouth has been bleeding like crazy this month; sharing a toothbrush is out of the question. I go to my closet and check my supplies. It's a good thing I buy things in bulk (I don't want to go into town too often). I find a new toothbrush for Heero.
"Here, use this." I hand the toothbrush to him. "Just like old times. You're leeching off me again, Heero. I better not wake up tomorrow and find half of my house gone, cannibalized for parts for a house you have!"
"Your house parts are not that valuable," Heero says with a straight face. I have no idea if he's kidding or not, but I laugh anyway.
Heero and I are spitting out the toothpaste and trying not to splash each other when I realize that it's the first time ever that we are brushing our teeth together. We roomed together before a few times, but we've never done this before.
"Do you ever brush your teeth, Heero?" I ask after rinsing out my mouth.
"Yes. I need my teeth. I have had to occasionally chew through ropes with them," Heero answers. I'm too shocked to try to laugh this time. I'm fairly certain he's serious.
"I'm joking, Duo," Heero says casually.
My jaw is on the floor as I watch Heero take off his pants. He's only wearing a T-shirt and his white briefs when he climbs on my bed. I go into the bathroom and change into my pajamas. There are a few abscesses he's bound to notice if I change outside.
When I finally get to my bed, Heero is sprawled over it.
"Bed hog!" I say softly as I try to move him over a bit. He wakes up and stares at me blankly.
"Scoot!"
He rolls over and I get on the bed. Five minutes later he's snoring again. Good God! Why did I let him stay? Then again, why do I always let him do whatever he wants around me? Annoyed at the thought, I kick him. He doesn't wake up; instead he rolls over and he's now sprawled over me in a bear hug. I want to kick him over but I'm suddenly tired. Damn, the drug wore off fast. Now I'm cold. Well, at least Heero's body is keeping me warm.
When I wake up, I'm sweating again even though I'm cold and clammy. Heero is still wrapped around me. And he's as erect as an iron rod. I know I must not really be that sick because immediately I'm erect too. This is really weird. I have a sudden urge to hump Heero. My dilemma ends quickly because I need to run to the bathroom.
I push him off, and practically leap into the bathroom.
Ten minutes later when I'm flushing the toilet, I realize I'm nauseated as hell. If Heero weren't here, I'd be tempted to spend the next two hours next to the toilet so I can puke whenever I need to. But as it is, I'd better get myself together. I start to reach for my stash, but I stop. If I keep on using, chances are I will expire in front of Heero.
I need a hot shower. I turn on the water on the shower and strip down. The next five minutes is spent unbinding my hair. Stepping into the warm mist I feel the hot water on my body. After a moment, I reach down for my soap, but it flies out of my hand. Cursing, I reach down to grab the soap. At that exact moment Heero calls for me outside. I get up quickly, and regret it immediately because the world starts to spin around me. Shit... I hear myself crush back down into the tub.
I hear Bill barking and I jerk myself up, only to be firmly pushed back again.
"You need to rest." Heero is standing over me, his face emotionless. "You fainted in the shower."
"You need to let Bill out, he needs to go to the bathroom," I'm a little unnerved to see no expression on Heero's face. There's usually something there. "And Bill's probably hungry too."
Heero gets up from sitting on the bed to let Bill out. I need to think of an excuse quickly. Damn it, why did I faint at such an inopportune time?
"Duo, how long have you been using methamphetamines?" Heero asks when he returns.
I feel like Heero just punched me in the stomach again, and for a brief moment I can't breathe. He must have found my stash.
I look away from him. My face is burning. "I needed the speed to get through missions. Unlike some people, I couldn't stay awake for three days straight any other way," I say.
I never lie, but I lie now. "I got too addicted to it to quit after the wars."
Heero is silent. He just sort of stares at me.
Bill paws at the door, and Heero gets up to let him back in.
Then Heero turns to me again, and I suddenly realize I'm still naked. I start to get dressed. This time he doesn't try to stop me.
I can feel his eyes on me. I know he's looking at the abscesses all over my body. That thought makes me feel more exposed than I ever care to feel. I dress quickly.
"Duo, are you sick?" Heero's voice is soft.
"No shit, Heero!" I shout.
Bill whimpers at harshness of my voice. He's never heard me yell before.
I notice my hair is still unbound and hanging around me like a wet rag, and I walk to the bathroom to get a towel. What the hell am I going to do?
Heero comes to the door of the bathroom, stalking me in my own house.
"What do you want from me, Heero?" I ask as I run the towel through my hair.
"The truth."
"Fine. I'm a drug addict." I drop the towel on the ground. I swing around and stare at him. "Is that what you want to hear?" I yell, angry as hell. Damn Heero for coming here anyway.
"You're lying," Heero says in a low voice. His 'I'm going to kill you' voice. He moves closer to me, as if trying to physically intimidate an answer out of me.
Oh fuck it all--what does he care?
"I have AIDS Heero."
Heero doesn't speak; he just stares at me.
"Get out of my house, Heero," I say very quietly, "Get out of my house now."
"No," Heero replies moving closer to me. I want to punch him, but I'm too fuck'in weak to hurt him properly.
I'm getting dizzy again, and I reach for the wall to steady myself, but Heero moves faster than me. He catches me in his arms, restraining me.
"Get away from me!" I try to push him away, but he's too strong for me. "What the hell do you want, Heero?" I'm getting dizzier, and I feel myself collapsing again. As I fall, my only consolation is that Heero wobbles a little as he tries to catch me. I guess he's not doing too hot either.
"Go to hell," I tell him as the darkness sets in. I hate being so damn sick.
"How long have you been sick?" Heero asks. I have no idea how he knows I'm awake, because my eyes aren't even open.
"Seven years at least."
"What's your T-cell count?" he asks. I open my eyes in surprise. He's sitting in front of my computer, his head facing the screen. Doing research on AIDS, no doubt. That's a familiar sight. I know the back of his head better than his face.
"Last time I checked, two[5]. Harry and Moe." I get up a little and notice a huge collection of bottles of various sizes sitting by my bed. "What the hell is all this?"
"I went into town and got some medications." Heero turns and looks at me.
"Hell no, Heero!" I'm angry again. How dare he choose how I die? I'd sooner die from an overdose than wait around to have a heart attack from some designer HIV drug.
Heero doesn't answer me; he turns back to my computer instead. I'm beginning to hate the back of his head.
I search the room for Bill. My dog evidently likes Heero more than I do, because he's asleep next to Heero's feet.
Traitor.
"Look, how I die is my own damn business!" I can hear the exasperation in my voice. I hope he hears it too.
Heero doesn't answer me, which pisses me off even more. I want to hurl something at him, but that would be childish. I wish I had trained Bill to be an attack dog. Then I can get him to maul Heero just now.
I'm not going to lie here and let Heero decide my life nor my death. I get up slowly and walk over to Heero.
He's not looking at AIDS information. He's looking up Ganymede.
"What are you looking at?" The urge to hurt him diminishes a little.
"This is a depressing story, Duo." Heero looks up at me.
"Yeah." I agree.
"I'm hungry."
What a completely non sequitur comment! I fight the urge to bash my head into the wall. "Take the bus to town. Someone will feed you there, because I'm sure the hell not going to feed you."
"I'm not leaving, Duo," Heero's voice is quiet. He enunciates each word like a separate declaration. He's giving me his trademark cold stare. I stare back at him.
"Well, I'm not cooking," I say finally.
"I don't know how." Heero shrugs.
"Let's order a pizza," I decide after a moment. Maybe I will have enough strength to beat him up after I eat.
"What's a pizza?"
"Bastardized Italian food of Americans." I head towards the phone.
Even as I'm ordering the pizza with everything on it, Heero is watching me as if I am going to break.
"I don't usually faint," I tell him. "You don't have to keep on staring at me! I'm not going to fall to pieces in front of you."
"Why did you leave Hilde?"
I think I liked him better when he didn't give a damn about why I did things.
"None of your business." I walk away from him and open up the cabinet where I keep the dog food.
"I already fed Bill," Heero tells me as I'm getting out the bag.
"Thanks," I'm completely ungrateful. Bill had woken up sometime while we were talking, now he's sitting by Heero, and looking at me. I see whose side you're on, Bill. I want to growl at both of them.
Thoroughly annoyed, I go back to sitting on the bed, and Heero goes back to the computer.
Staring once again at Heero's hair, I start fuming.
Why doesn't he leave me alone? I'm trying to make this easier on everybody. I know what it's like to watch your friends die. I'm saving Hilde from that fate. I owe her at least that much. Or maybe he owes this to me. After all, he made me think that he had died during the beginning of the war, and that sucked.
How close did he really get to watching others die? Because I have seen the worst of it. I doubt Heero really wants to be here when I'm incontinent.
I really don't want anyone to see me when the worst of it comes. I'm not really the 'dying in the arms of loved ones type'. Heero of all people should understand that.
"Why are you here, Heero?" I break the silence.
"I don't know."
At least he's giving me an honest answer.
My hair is still unbound, and I start fiddling with it to braid it, but my fingers are so numb from the neuropathy[6] my first two attempts completely fail. Heero notices and walks over and starts braiding for me. I'm too tired to fight this small kindness. If I didn't put my hair in a braid I'd trip on it. I intend to be buried with my hair, but I won't be able to take care of it much longer. Maybe I should chop it off and be buried with the braid.
"Do you have a hair band?" Heero asks, finishing up his task.
"The drawer on my nightstand should have a few hair bands." I point towards it. He grabs on my hair with one hand and opens the drawer with the other. He stares at my drawer for a moment, then takes out a red hair band with a little cat figurine on it and holds it in front of me.
"It's Hilde's, she's growing her hair out," I answer the unasked question. I stole the hair band the night I left-- another token. I want to be buried with this, too.
Heero puts it back, gets out one of mine, and binds my hair.
"Thanks." I get up again. I walk to the cabinet with the dog food. I still have to feed Bill. I bet he's hungry.
"Duo, I told you I already feed the dog..."
I pause and look up. He did, didn't he? Shit.
The doorbell rings. The pizza's here. Heero goes to the door and pay the deliveryman.
He comes back towards the bed, holding the pizza as far as away from his face as he could.
"This smells bad." Heero is never one to be polite.
"It's an acquired taste, I guess." I take the pizza from him and put it on my tiny table. Then I open the lid and inhale deeply. Well, at least I can still eat pizza.
Heero joins me by the table. He eyes the pizza suspiciously. I pick up a slice and start eating. After a moment of consideration, he picks up a slice too. He studies it, but he underestimates the fluidity of the cheese and it starts to flop down towards him. I watch him try to avoid getting the cheese on himself in a sort of wiggling dance.
The cheese ends up on his shirt and on the ground. Bill quickly comes over and licks it up.
I do the only thing I can. I laugh. I never thought I'd live to see the day that Heero Yuy is dripping with pizza. I put my own slice of pizza down because I'm laughing so hard.
Heero's eyes go from his shirt to the ground to Bill to me, and I can see it. I can see a smile fighting its way up his face.
"I see now why Bill likes you." I pat Bill and he makes a happy grunting sound.
The smile makes it rest of the way on Heero's face. In fact, I think I will call it a grin.
Satisfied it's a grin, I pick up my pizza again and start eating it in a happier mood. Heero likewise picks up his now topless slice and eats it.
"I like it better without the cheese," Heero decides after finishing the topless slice.
"You do whatever you want with your side, and I will with mine." I draw an imaginary line on the pizza with my finger. "Just don't drop the cheese on the floor. Bill really shouldn't be eating all that cheese."
Heero nods. Ten minutes later the pizza vanishes between us. Though there is a pile of remnant cheese, and Heero has the stain to match it.
"You better take it off and soak it; cheese and grease stains," I inform him. Heero nods and takes off his shirt. Seeing his upper torso, I bite back a sharp intake of breath. Damn this boy is scarred up. Near his heart, there is a wound with fresh stitches on it. That must be where they took out the newest bullet.
Heero sees me staring at him, and he looks down at his own chest.
"Most of it is from the last battle," he explains even though I didn't ask him, and wouldn't have asked him. "I guess I don't heal as well as I used to."
I walk over and touch the area around stitches very lightly.
"The human body can only take so much..." My words die mid-sentence. Who am I to talk about how much the human body can take?
"How long have you been using methamphetamines, Duo?" The words fall out of Heero's mouth like a bag too weak to support its marbles.
"A year before Operation Meteor. The fatigue was starting to show during training sessions with G." I sit down slowly on my bed. "I ate the drugs at first. By the time Maria and that Barton guy came along last year, the speed wasn't getting into my system fast enough so I started to inject it. It kept me awake and kept back the diarrhea sometimes. The diarrhea and nausea were still bad though. I had to put a bucket in Deathscythe."
Heero isn't looking at me. His eyes are staring at some interesting spot on the ground. His hands are in fists, his knuckles a shade or two whiter than usual.
"It's not your fault I got involved in the whole Maria debacle," I tell him. "Don't insult me, Heero. Even if you hadn't come to get me I would have still fought in the last battle. You have this annoying habit of blaming yourself for things that are completely outside your control. You are not God. Shit happens."
Heero is still staring at the spot, but his hands are no longer in fists.
"Let's take Bill out on a walk." I get up. Bill hears the word 'walk', and he's already on his feet. I hope the dread that's hanging over Heero's head won't be so suffocating when we go outside.
Heero nods. I go to my dresser and find a shirt for Heero to wear in case we run into anyone on the beach. Meanwhile, he gets out the leash. I wonder how he knows where it is. Maybe he took the dog out while I was passed out.
The sun is on its way down when we step outside. I let Bill lead. He always gets to decide where he wants to go.
Heero and I follow in silence. After ten minutes, I get bored. If Heero weren't around I'd be talking to Bill, but it'll be hard to explain to Mr. Logical why I talk to the dog.
I think Bill's bored too, because he's pulling me into the ocean. Unfortunately salt water and abscesses doesn't make a happy combination. I pull Bill to a stop and undo the leash so he can go into the water and splash around.
"Let's make some sand sculptures." I plop myself down on the spot.
"Why?" Heero is still standing.
"Because it's fun, and you are a lousy conversationalist, and I'm bored." I start to gather a pile of sand together.
"The water will wash it away at high tide," Heero says.
"And the ebb and flow of time will annihilate the existence of the human race, so we might as well all lay down and die." I let the sarcasm drip from my voice.
Heero stares at me. I look at my sand and ignore him.
He plops down next to me after a moment.
I pick up a hand full of sand and hold it high before letting the sand run through my hand. Dust to dust. Ashes to ashes.
And the sand carried by the ocean's breeze blows straight into Heero's face. Ah. Good to see my calculation of the wind is still dead-on.
Heero doesn't turn his head fast enough, and spends the next few minutes try to get the sand out of his eyes.
"You are evil." Heero is spitting out sand too.
"Shinigami is neither good or evil," I tell him with a grin that's threatening to split my face.
Heero does his best "I'm going to kill you" look.
Determined to scandalize Heero further, I proceed to make a giant sand phallus.
After I finish, I get Heero's attention and point to my giant dick.
Heero stares at it for a moment, then he comes over, puts both of his hands on it and very deliberately strokes it a couple of times.
"It would be very hard to relieve yourself if you were this big," Heero comments with a completely straight face.
I fall over laughing.
Bill senses all the excitement over here and runs over to prance on my creation.
"Your dog is annihilating your dick," Heero declares.
I'm laughing so hard I can barely breathe.
It takes me the next five minutes to stop laughing. When I finally get a hold of myself, Heero's already gone back to making his own sand creation.
Fearing Bill will trample Heero's, too, I put the leash back on the dog. Then, holding Bill on a shortened leash, I move over to see what Heero's making.
It's a flower. That's unexpected.
Heero looks at me. "Let's stay here until the high tide."
To watch the flower get washed away? I do not ask him.
I nod. I plop myself down next to him and start to have a talk with Bill. I'm convinced that this dog can understand everything I say.
"Don't destroy any more of our creations, okay?"
Bill licks my face. I will take that as a yes. I take off the leash again and let Bill wander off.
I start making another sand sculpture. This time I make a tiny little church. My homage. Everything gets washed away. Dust to dust. Ashes to ashes.
The sun is getting lower, and it starts to glow redder.
I stop what I'm doing and just watch the sunset.
"Relena once told me that the color of the sun was dyed by the blood of all those who had fallen during the war." Heero's voice is soft.
"I didn't realize Ojousan was that philosophical."
"She was yelling at me at the time. She pointed to the sun and told me that every time she saw the sun she ached, because it felt like it was dyed by those who died in war."
"Ah." I lie back a little, letting the last ray of the sun sink into me. Perhaps she's right.
The tide is rising slowly and the remains of my phallus are already wet.
I watch the tide grow and expand until it envelops my church, and then Heero's flower. Both of us are getting wet, too. The coldness of the water is almost a shock when it hits me. I shiver slightly.
"We better get back."
Heero nods.
"Bill!" The dog runs back to me, and the three of us return to my tiny house.
"We both could use a shower; do you want to go first?" I can feel the sand in my pants myself.
"We would waste less water if we showered together." Heero starts to strip.
"I'm not going to faint again." My voice is a warning. I don't need him to constantly watch me.
"It would be more efficient." Heero is now completely naked and standing in my room.
Of course, since this is me, my eyes wander downward.
"Wow, you have a very large dick, Heero. It must be difficult for you to relieve yourself." I try to look as innocent as I can, but I can feel my own dick grow a little in appreciation. Good God, I'm going to die a horny virgin.
"I manage," Heero actually answers. And he's looking at me, waiting for me to undress. I shrug. What do I have to lose? He's already seen me naked quite a few times in the last two days.
I strip down, too. I'm still a little hard from looking at Heero's dick. If he notices, he doesn't comment. I start to unbind my hair, and Heero comes over and does it for me while we both head into the bathroom.
I designed my shower to be big. I knew that towards the end I will have trouble getting around, and I will need the extra space. It comes in handy now because both of us fit in it comfortably.
I turn on the water, and let the warm water wash over both of us.
"So should I try to wash around your wound?" I turn around to face him.
Heero pushes me against the wall suddenly, his large hands holding my shoulders. I feel so frail against him. He's looking at me intently, then very slowly he put his mouth over mine, his tongue in my mouth. I... um... his mouth is hot...
Shit, I can't do this. I draw back.
"Heero, what are you doing?" I want to sound commanding, but even to my own ears I sound timid.
"I don't know," Heero whispers; his voice is thicker and deeper than usual. And his voice goes straight to my already hardened dick.
His hard dick is pressed against me, and I can feel his breath amid the warm mist of the water.
"Heero, we can't do this," I say softly. "I have AIDS."
Heero doesn't answer me. He's just breathing. He's breathing more slowly than he usually does.
After a long moment, he pulls away. His bangs are wet and droopy, covering his eyes.
For a few moments we just stand here, naked and wet.
Gradually, I get out of the shower. Heero doesn't follow me.
I grab my towel and dry myself. My brain is shot. Methodically I put on my pajamas, brush my teeth and detangle my hair. Heero is still in the shower. I can hear him breathing heavily.
I climb into bed and pull the blanket over me. Pressing my hand against my heart, I let out the long breath I had been holding. God, my heart aches. It must be the cardiomyopathy; I must have stressed it out too much today. I...
When did I start lying to myself?
When I open my eyes again, the lights in the room have been turned off. I can feel Heero's arms wrapped around me. He really is a bed hog.
I turn to face him and suddenly find myself staring at the reflection in his eyes. He's awake!
"You're dying." His voice is so quiet I barely heard him.
"We're all dying, Heero." I smile in the darkness.
I feel his arms tighten around me. I lean in a little to the warmth of his body.
I'm not sweating, and there is nothing sprawled over me. I open my eyes. Looking around, neither Heero nor Bill is anywhere in sight. I guess Heero took Bill out.
I go to the bathroom and brush my teeth. I don't bother with my hair.
Ten minutes later, I find myself making sandwiches for Heero and me. I wrap the sandwiches in paper napkins. I guess I will eat when Heero comes back.
Without my dog and Heero, the house seems oddly empty. Oh God, I'm getting pathetic.
I go to my bookshelf and grab a book of poems by T.S. Eliot, and start rereading everything.
I don't know why I bother reading it anymore; I can recite the whole thing, verse and chapter. I guess it's something about seeing ink on paper.
This was Father Maxwell's favorite book. His copy was completely torn on the edges. Each page was lined with notes to himself in his messy handwriting. I think he read it more times than the Bible. I guess it's because it's a more accurate description of our lives than the Bible.
The awful daring of a moment's surrender...
I can't remember the next line. That's my favorite line... I can't remember it. FUCK FUCK FUCK!
What's that next line?
If I flip the page, I will see it, but I can't remember it right now.
Yesterday I couldn't remember Heero had already fed the dog.
SHIT! The book drops to the ground.
The door opens. This will have to wait. I take a few deep breaths and compose myself.
Heero is holding out a bag of something that smells like meat. And Bill is trying very hard to make Heero drop it.
"I got something called... hamburgers." Heero sounds out 'hamburger' carefully as if it's in some other language.
"Why hamburgers?" Not that I'm complaining. I'm always up for burgers.
"You were eating them while we were on Howard's ship." Heero puts the bag on the table.
"Thanks!" I can't believe he remembered.
I reach in the bag, grab one of the burgers, and start munching down. Heero does the same.
"Do you like this better than pizza?" I ask between bites.
"Yes. I don't like cheese, it's unpredictable."
I laugh but I stop quickly because my bowels are growling...
I leap into the bathroom.
I'm out in five minutes and feeling a little wasted. What the hell was that? I never get diarrhea that bad except when I'm on...
I grab the hamburger, open up the bun, and stare at the patty intently.
Then I see it. It's a pretty damn fine powder, but it doesn't mix in with the meat.
"You fuckin bastard!" I yell. "You put HIV medication in my food!"
Bill whimpers at the sound of my voice, but at the moment I don't care what Bill thinks.
"They will help you live longer." Heero stares me evenly.
"I choose! I choose how I live and die, Heero! Not you!" I'm screaming at him. I'm so fuckin pissed off!
"Her name is Mariemeia," Heero isn't screaming at me, but I feel like he just punched me.
"What do you mean?"
"You called her Maria, her name is Mariemeia." Heero is looking directly at me. "You are suffering from early signs of dementia."
I drop on the bed. "It's not going to help the damage already done."
The awful daring of a moment's surrender...
"But it will slow it down, maybe even stop the progression." Heero is still looking at me. "Stop killing yourself."
I stare past him. "You remember what Mariemeia said about human history?" I ask him. "About how it's two beats of war followed by one beat of peace and then it repeats? Well, my life is like that. Two beats of death and one beat of brief happiness. I'm tired of waltzing with death and doing his bidding."
"So you choose death?" Heero's voice rises sharply.
"I choose to live the rest of my life the way I always wanted. Sunburnt by the beach and living with a dog. I've got all of that now."
"You are shortening your life by not taking any medications!"
"They don't cure me, Heero. I don't really want to get sicker from the medication than what I have to deal with now. I don't want be on a diet of drugs to live a few months longer..."
Before I finish my sentence, Heero is pointing a gun in my face.
"You want to stop suffering?" Heero's voice sounds pretty damn serious.
I reach underneath my bed pull out my gun and aim it between his eyes.
I release the safety on my gun. "If I decide to blow my head off, that's my choice. Not yours. This is not about death Heero, this is about the right to choose."
Heero lowers his gun. After a moment, I lower my gun. My hand is shaking so much that the gun drops to the ground.
We stare at each other in silence. God, we are fucked up.
The awful daring of a moment's surrender...
I put away my gun and go over to my nightstand where Heero had put all those bottles. I single out the AZT[7], take out a pill and swallow it.
"What are you doing?" Heero stands up and comes to me.
"If I forget Bill's name and call him Bob, he will leave me for you..." Lips on my lips... soft... feathery...
"This whole kissing me thing is kind of weird, Heero." I comment after he moves his face away.
"Do you want me to stop?" He asks, his face about six inches away from my mine. His eyes are really blue. I always thought they were brown or something.
"Not to be critical of your choice or anything, because I know I'm a sex god," I proclaim. "But let's be honest... aren't you setting yourself for failure here, given that I'm probably going to expire in a few months or less?"
"I follow my emotions, Duo." He's leaning forward again...
Bill gets between us; obviously he feels left out.
I let out a long sigh as I rub Bill's head.
"I need a nap," I slip into my bed. I've been up for a total of two hours. But it's been a tiring two hours.
Heero sits on the edge of the bed. "Give me six months."
I turn away from him. To do what? So you can cry more heartily at my funeral?
"Do you really want to be here when I have full-blown dementia? I will probably start calling you Hee-chan, or some such crap. Or better yet, I won't be able remember you at all."
"You won't forget me."
"I won't remember who the hell I am!" I bite my lips hard. I hope I die before I forget who I am.
"I will remind you." Heero gets up from the side of the bed, crawls back from the other side and lies down to face me.
"And what will you tell me?"
"You are Duo Maxwell. You choose how you live and how you die. And you choose to let me stay." Heero says with his eyes locked onto mine.
"Are you so sure I'm going to let you stay?"
"Yes." Heero's face is dangerously close to mine. "You don't need to protect my emotions, Duo."
"I'm not Ojousan; I'm not really into teenage angst. I have no delusions of some pathetic love story that ends in my death."
"Someone always dies first." Heero brushes some hair away from my face.
"Yeah, and do you know how much it sucks when that happens? Because I have had it happen to me, Heero. I have held on to someone when he died, and it hurt like hell." I'm biting back the tears. Hell, I haven't cried in years and I'm certainly not going to start now. "You know what's the first thing that happens when someone dies? They shit and vomit everything in them. Do you have any idea how bad it smells? And you know what? I had to suck some guy's dick to get enough water to wash him. And this corpse, this corpse was my best friend..." I'm shaking, and I can feel the tears streaming down my face.
Heero holds me, enveloping me in his arms.
"Duo, when that time comes, I will not regret any of this."
I open my eyes and Heero is looking at me. I must have fallen asleep crying
"Have you been holding me all this time?" I can feel the warmth of his arm on me.
"I had to feed the dog, and urinate." Heero pulls me a little closer. "Otherwise, yes. You were snoring."
I don't resist him.
Bill, on the other hand, is whimpering.
"I think Bill needs to go out." I see my dog pacing around the door.
Heero gets up and opens the door for Bill.
"Do you want me to braid your hair?" He asks as he comes back to bed.
"Sure." I've been practically drowning in my hair all day.
Heero goes into the bathroom and gets my brush and then comes and helps me sit up on my bed.
Heero tugs the hair slightly, but not enough to hurt. I guess my hair is really tangled up.
"I wish..." Heero starts and stops.
"What do you wish for?" I turn slightly toward him.
He just stares at me... He isn't crying, but he might as well have be because the look in his eyes is... aching.
I kiss him lightly on the forehead. Before I can move away, he holds me there. And I can feel his lips on my neck. He's not kissing me. He just holds his mouth on my neck so I can feel the flesh of his lips.
Heero is slowly lowering me back on the bed, each hand clinging to a handful of my hair.
"Heero... we..."
He puts his lips over my mouth. Not kissing, just touching. Our noses half squashed on each other.
One of his hands is unbuttoning the top of my pajamas, and the other is still clinging to my hair.
Then, as the last button of my pajamas open, he lifts his head up a little and stares at my chest.
He runs his hand over the abscesses on my chest, his fingers barely touching my skin.
"Heero... we can't do this... " I'm finding breathing more difficult.
Heero stops me with his mouth again. This time, he kisses me. His lips pressing hard against mine. He tastes... desperate.
"Heero, I have AIDS," I say after he moves down to my neck.
"I bought condoms and lubricants, when I got the hamburgers." Heero's words are half-muffled in my neck.
"That confident in yourself, are you?"
"I need this," Heero whispered in my ears, his voice hoarse. "You need this."
I need this...
"The awful daring of a moment's surrender," I say softly, "Do you know what the next line is, Heero?"
"The awful daring of a moment's surrender," Heero kisses me slowly, each kiss punctuated by a line, "Which an age of prudence can never retract. By this, and this only, we have existed."
"Ah," I smile and melt myself into Heero's embrace.
~Owari
Duo Maxwell
AC 180 – AC 197
Datta: what have we given?
My friend, blood shaking my heart
The awful daring of a moment's surrender
Which an age of prudence can never retract
By this, and this only, we have existed
Which is not to be found in our obituaries
Or in memories draped by the beneficent spider
Or under seals broken by the lean solicitor
In our empty rooms~The Waste Land, T.S. Eliot
[1]Speed: Also known as crystal meth, it's official name is methamphetamines. It's a drug that is very popular among the gay community. It's very addictive and it can allow you to stay up for many nights continuously.
[2]KS: Kaposi's sarcoma: One of the many symptoms of advanced AIDS. KS are lesions, and in this case Duo has them inside his body on his organs, which could cause severe fatigue.
[3]Shoot up: Slang for injecting illicit drugs.
[4]Cardiomyopathy: General heart disorders
[5]The normal T-cell count is between 400-1200.
[6]Neuropathy: Almost all people living with HIV suffer from neuropathy. Most common is lack of feeling in fingers and toes.
[7]AZT: HIV medication. Specifically, it helps with AIDS related dementia.
(:./draco/daring)
