07-Nov-2004
Title: Tetractys: Binah, III</b>
Author: Sol 1056
Rating: R for violence and language, some adult situations
Pairings (currently): 1+R, 1+2+3, 2x3x2, 4x5xM
Disclaimer: no, don't own 'em... duh.
Archived: sweetlysour and gwaddiction
Critiques: always welcome, natch!
Notes: Many thanks to those reviewing on the BBS and through GWA - all ya'll make my day with your notes, comments, and cool insights.
Also big thanks to Maldoror and Saro, who helped me clarify Trowa's POV, and keep him IC both for the story and in light of his attitude during the series. Song lyrics are 'Tatsu's Song' by Kagemihari; the chord progression really is from her notations, if you're curious.
Lena shifted under the weight across her body, gritted her teeth, and tried again. Heero responded by mumbling something into her neck and draping himself further across her body. She stared up at the ceiling, and tried not to sigh too deeply.
She hadn't slept well; she wasn't used to sleeping with someone else, let alone having to adjust her movements to prevent catastrophe, but fortunately his skills seemed to be self-protective even in sleep. She'd come awake just after midnight, pushed on her back by unseen hands. In her fuzzy state she added up her crooked, raised knee and Heero's position facing her; she realized she'd probably been a half-inch away from racking him severely. It had made her giggle until he'd scooted up beside her and wrapped an arm around her, nuzzling sleepily against the nape of her neck. That had brought her wide-awake, and she'd watched the clock for an hour until drifting off again.
Who would've known he was so cuddly, she thought, craning her neck so she could stare down at his lax, innocent expression, a tiny smile on his face as he slept. His head was pillowed on her shoulder; one leg was across her thighs, and his out-flung arm was stretched across her shoulder. When she shifted, he'd mutter, grab a hold, and loosen only once she became still again.
The bedroom door swung open halfway, and Lena looked up to see Meiran closing the door behind her. She was wearing one of Cat's old shirts, and her hair was damp. Lena smiled, and jerked her head towards the chair at the desk. Meiran pulled the chair over to the bedside and settled down, looking around the room with interest.
"You showed him the balloon trick?" Meiran picked up one of the condoms filled with air and knotted at the end. Poking it with her finger, it floated up before falling down to bounce across the floor. "I see some got used," she added in a sly whisper, noting the condoms, wadded in tissue, in the trash.
Lena smirked. "He was a little nervous," she protested, one hand coming up to smooth down Heero's unruly morning hair. At the same time, she cupped her palm across his ear to muffle their conversation.
"How'd you... " Meiran raised her eyebrows, leaving the rest unsaid.
"Duo and Trowa," Lena replied. Heero shifted across her, and she could feel his sleeping half-erect state pushing into her hip. She decided to let it be, and continued to run fingers through his hair. "They... took matters in their own hands, I guess."
"I see." Meiran sniffed. "Not very practical. Long-term."
"No." Lena met her old friend's knowing gaze. "I guess you came up with something, you three... but I don't think that will work in this case."
"It's not easy," Meiran admitted, her gaze falling away. "Being the second in line, all the time, when sometimes you don't want to be."
"Shhh," Lena said, and cut her gaze towards Heero and back again. In a more normal tone, she asked, "you get back just a bit ago?"
"Quatre and Wufei are taking a shower," Meiran said, shrugging. "They ate while I showered, but I wasn't hungry."
Lena frowned, looking over Meiran. "Not hungry. You?"
"Been feeling rather ill," Meiran replied.
The room grew silent, and Lena raised a brow. Meiran colored suddenly, and looked away.
"Great space," Lena muttered. "What is it - something about war and you--"
"I didn't plan it," Meiran spat. "But... I haven't said anything yet. To anyone." She glanced at Lena, anxiety clear on her face, and then away again. "I guess the meds I got from Peacemillion weren't as strong or something."
"Crap." Lena let her head fall back on the pillow and stared at the ceiling. "We're a mess, aren't we?" She twisted her head to look at Meiran, and reached out one hand; Meiran took it gratefully. "One way or another, we'll figure it out, right?"
Meiran swallowed hard, but didn't let go. They were still sitting there when the door was pushed open again, and Duo slipped into the room. He whistled softly when he stepped near the bed, nodding a silent greeting to Meiran.
"Man, he looks so peaceful when he sleeps," Duo whispered.
"Yeah." Lena flushed, embarrassed suddenly. The sheets were pulled up across Heero's back and her chest. She didn't feel self-conscious, but she wasn't sure how Heero might react to visitors when he woke. "I mean... I guess you see this plenty, though."
"He's not much to look at, but I'm enjoying the rest of the view." Duo leered, then winked to indicate he meant no harm.
Heero shifted his head on Lena's chest, opening his eyes long enough to glare sleepily at Duo. Lena was about to say something, when Heero's shirt hit her in the face. She pulled it off her head, blinking in surprise.
"Put it on," Heero ordered, and yawned. Lena glanced at him, and decided it might not be the best time to point out that he had the most adorable pout.
She pulled the large shirt over her head, noting the blankets mysteriously stayed up high enough to cover her despite her movements. Heero tugged the hem down under the blankets, and immediately slid his hand under the shirt to wrap around her waist. He settled his head back onto her shoulder, and in a few seconds his deep breaths were again soft puffs against her neck.
Duo watched the entire spectacle with a bored look, as though he weren't surprised. After a second he shook his head.
"You realize he won't remember any of that? He's still asleep." He perched on the arm of Meiran's chair, and gave her a smug grin. "Heero won't come awake until one of several things happens. You make a sudden move to sit up - at which point he'll wake, register there's no threat, and go right back to sleep - or someone fires a gun." He paused, adding with a mischievous smile, "or you use blasting caps. Wufei did once."
Meiran gave Duo a startled look. "Blasting caps?"
"Chinese firecrackers, actually." Duo smirked. "Heero shot straight up in the air, and came down on top of Wufei, who wasn't fast enough to make it to the door. We found the remains of the firecrackers outside, about two blocks from the Imperial residence, he'd sent them that far."
"Three blocks," Heero mumbled. Lena waited, but Heero only pulled her even closer and dropped back into sleep.
"See?" Duo shrugged again.
"Still not awake," Trowa said, appearing behind Meiran. He looked over Lena with an approving eye, and then down at the scattered remains of Heero's gift. "I see you found many uses for them." He kicked the nearest condom, and it rolled across the floor to knock against two more in the corner.
"Among other things," Lena replied. She realized she would have felt more uncomfortable, but for the fact that Trowa and Duo were acting as though it were perfectly natural.
"Chair's hard," Duo said, getting up. One step and he launched himself over the bed, landing on Heero's other side, above the covers. The bed shook, Heero grumbled, and Lena let go of Meiran's hand to grab a hold of Heero. Duo propped his cheek up on his fist and grinned at Lena. "Still asleep. I rest my case."
A second later Heero's arm moved off Lena's shoulder; the sheets shifted as he elbowed Duo sharply. Duo grunted and curled around his stomach protectively. Heero's sleepy expression turned smug, and he resumed his original position. Lena stared at Trowa, who shrugged, and then at Meiran, whose hand was in her mouth. Her shoulders were shaking. Duo just grinned widely and draped himself over Heero, his hand landing on Lena's hip.
"Duo," Heero muttered, his face against Lena's neck, "gimme blowjob."
Lena was quite sure her heart had just stopped in shock. She tried to come up with a witty response, but her throat didn't seem to be working.
Duo rolled his eyes. "Morning wood, man. Don't think about it, and it'll go away."
"Fine," Heero grumbled. "Then you go away, too, if you're not going to make it worth it."
"Maybe later," Duo assured him, in a tone that sounded far less teasing, and a bit more like a promise. Duo gave Lena a crooked smile. "Sorry," he added. "You get used to his straightforward approach."
"Well, it is that, I suppose," Lena said, surprised her vocal cords had found any power to make noise. She shifted under Heero's weight; between Heero and Duo, she couldn't feel her right arm any longer. "But this... " She sighed. "I don't know if it's fair to you... "
"It's our choice," Trowa said, calmly.
Heero mumbled something inaudible, and pressed his face against Lena's neck. Duo chuckled, and poked Heero in the ribs. He was rewarded with another elbow to the gut, and Lena raised her eyebrows.
"Did he just squeak?"
"He's quite ticklish," Duo assured her. "If you move fast, or have a gut of iron, it's the third option for waking him up." He poked Heero in the ribs, and Heero wriggled away from the intrusive finger.
"Duo, I am going to kill you," Heero said, quite clearly.
"Promises, promises," Duo said, and the next minute was rolled off the bed, with no apparent movement from Heero. He came upright with a laugh. "You want us to bring you some breakfast, princess? Slack-a-bed there isn't going to move until you throw him off you, y'know."
"I don't mind," Lena said, and ran her fingers down Heero's neck. He made that deep rumbling sound in his chest that had intrigued her so much the night before, and she could feel her stomach quiver at the memories of his enthusiastic, if inexperienced, hands and mouth. "And... yeah, breakfast, if it's not too much trouble."
"Naw," Duo said, snagging Trowa by the arm. "Let's go find Winner an' Chang."
"Third door down on the right," Quatre said, stepping into Lena's room. "But we won't be there." He stepped past Trowa, raising a coffee carafe and a handful of cups. "The cook sent us up with this."
"And this," Wufei said, behind him with a basket of scones. He set the basket in Meiran's lap. "Eat," he said, pointing to it.
Meiran scowled at him, and took one. Wufei held the basket out for Lena. Wufei's eyebrows quirked at Heero's position - wrapped almost completely around Lena - but he said nothing.
"I heard breakfast moved," Cat said, entering the room. She spied the basket, snatching a scone, and settled herself on the foot of the bed. Shoving the scone in her mouth, she grinned around it at Lena.
"Feels like grand central station in here," Duo announced, grabbing a scone and settling back down into his position on the bed, on Heero's other side.
"I hate you all," Heero muttered, and buried his face in Lena's neck. "I was sleeping."
"Sleep when you're dead," Quatre replied, and waved his hand at Lena. "Scoot over."
Lena blinked, and obligingly poked Heero, who grunted and kicked at Duo. Duo squawked in protest, but moved, and Heero rolled onto his back, pulling Lena over with him. The sheets twisted and tangled, and she ended up encased in cotton between Duo and Heero. Quatre promptly made himself comfortable on Heero's other side.
"I ran into your Chief of Staff. Musselman?" Quatre scratched his head. "Short guy, round."
"Musselman," Lena said, and shifted, trying to get at the squashed scone under her. "Eww, there are crumbs in my bed. Heero, move."
Heero sat up long enough to glare at Duo, then Quatre, and sighed deeply before shifting to sit up against the head of the bed, arms crossed. Lena sat up, shifting around until she was leaning against Heero, scone crumbs across her lap. Cat moved over to allow Trowa room to perch on the edge of the bed, and Wufei sat on the arm to Meiran's chair. The basket was passed around again, along with several cups of coffee.
"So anyway, he says Bulgaria and Romania have asked the Gundams to be present," Quatre explained. "I think Doro's meeting with him now. She sent me to get you up."
"I'm up," Lena replied, a bit grumpily, and elbowed Duo. "Move over."
"I move over any more, I'm gonna fall off," he said cheekily.
Heero made a face; instantly Duo was shoved sideways and off the bed by that same unseen force. The thump on the floor was accompanied by a yelp.
"Now you have room," Heero said.
Lena stretched out. "See, there's a gentleman," she said, leaning over the bed to grin at Duo.
Quatre sighed deeply. "Is anyone listening to me?"
"Hunh? Were you saying something?" Meiran pretended to study her fingernails, and glanced past them to give Heero's chest a speculative look. "I was busy enjoying the scenery."
Heero's eyes went wide, and Wufei glared down at Meiran, who shrugged. Cat coughed, waving her hand helplessly when Heero looked her way.
"Did you wake--" Doro's announcement broke off, and she looked around the room from her position by the open door. Doro rolled her eyes. "I said wake them up, not climb into bed and molest them."
Quatre gave her an innocent smile. "I'm not molesting anyone." His smile grew wider. "Yet."
"One hour, Lena," Doro said, ignoring Quatre. "Prime Minister Cole's been up all night conferencing with the Parliament, and your Staff has their recommendations. The Gundams are going to be treated as a separate military force, and their presence is therefore required at Geneva." She crossed her arms, and jerked her head towards the door. "Get moving. The conference will be in the meeting room on the second floor. We're meeting before that, to discuss our positions and plans."
No one moved.
"Now, people! I expect you in that meeting room in thirty minutes," Doro barked, and slammed the door behind her. Through the thick wooden door, they could hear her shout fading down the hallway. "Don't make me come back in there and drag you out with only a sheet around you!"
Lena sighed. "Okay, everyone out. I've got to get dressed."
One by one, everyone stood up, dusting off crumbs and collecting the cups. Lena bopped Duo on the head; he had remained sitting on the bed's far side. He pouted cutely and she motioned towards the door. Duo responded by blowing her a kiss before trailing out the door behind everyone else, closing it with a wave over his shoulder.
"We have a strange family," Lena announced, and stretched, her arms over her head. Next thing she knew, she was in Heero's lap, her back against his chest. His hands were under the shirt, fingers playing with her nipples. "Hey, now," she protested. "Business first, pleasure later."
Heero growled, and licked the back of her neck. "I like pleasure more," he said, adding in a dark tone, "I don't like sharing the bed with anyone but you." She grew still, hearing the undertones, and Heero picked up on it. His hands came to rest on her hips, a worried note entering his voice. "Lena?"
"Look," she said, twisting around sideways so she could face him. "It's obviously not the best time, but... we're going to need to discuss all this."
"Discuss what?" Heero looked puzzled.
"Sharing," Lena said.
"I don't want to share," Heero told her, firmly. He leaned forward, angling for a kiss, but she pulled away, a hand on his chest.
"Neither would I," she replied. "But I'm going to have to, if I want to be with you. So there's a part of me that's a bit... Well, hearing you say you don't want to share seems a bit... hypocritical."
Heero froze, and pulled back, his eyes narrowing.
"It is," she continued, climbing out of the bed. She took off Heero's shirt, tossing it to him. Her bag was on the dresser, and she pulled on a clean pair of underwear without meeting his reflection in the mirror. "Spontaneity is definitely out of the question, at least. It seems like we're playing with fire, Heero."
"I don't understand."
Lena sighed, and picked up her bra from the floor, toying with the straps before putting it on. "Do you really think it's fair to demand that your partners pleasure you sexually just so you can run off to have sex with me? And what if you do that, and we're... I'm... not in the mood?"
"Not in the mood?" Heero didn't move from his spot on the bed.
"It happens," Lena said, shrugged. "Sex isn't something you can schedule. Bodies don't work that way. Sometimes you just... " She shook her head, and grabbed a clean shirt from her bag. "But now we've crossed that line, and I don't think there's any way to go back." She risked a glance towards Heero; his expression was vulnerable, open with hurt and confusion.
"But I thought... " He spoke in a small voice, almost as tentative as the night before, when she'd first raised the issue.
"Oh, Heero," she said, and sat on the edge of the bed while she put on her socks. "If I could have you all to myself, I would. But I can't." She paused, not sure how to put it. " ...Your skills see to that. And you can't just expect your partners to continue being so... willing, and not get anything in return."
Heero was quiet for a moment, his fingers plucking at the blanket. He nodded, firmly, then, as if coming to a decision. "I'd do the same for them, then."
Lena's eyebrows went up, and she gave him a helpless smile. "Ah, well, I suppose that's one solution."
"That would be fairer," Heero acknowledged, almost pleased. "I'll bring it up with them after the meeting."
"Still," Lena insisted, pushing away the bemusement at yet another example of Heero's straight-forward attitude, "I'm Queen. Whether I like it or not, I ended up in this role, and I've got to see it to the end. Any... " She searched for the right word. " ...Arrangement between the four of us--"
"Four of us?"
"Yes." Lena grabbed her jeans and pulled them on. "I can't just pretend I'm only in a relationship with you. What they do, how they feel, affects you to such a degree that it's almost like they might as well be in bed with us."
Heero glowered, his mood crackling dangerously.
"Whoa," Lena whispered, taking his hands. "Calm down. I meant... emotionally, psychologically. I like Duo and Trowa, maybe even love them like brothers, with time. But it's not the same as what I feel for you. I'm just saying that I have to recognize that the demands of our relationship could cause difficulties between you three--"
"Then that's my problem, not yours," Heero replied. He pulled away, moving to the opposite side of the bed. His shoulders were hunched, almost defensively, as he pulled the shirt over his head. He reached out, his clothes flying into his hands.
"But if we're together, then your problems are my problems," Lena protested.
She felt like punching something, or growing a third leg and kicking herself. Heero had too little experience in relationships, and she'd willingly let them throw sex into the mix. There was no way he'd be able to separate it all now, to see where one began and the other ended, and they just didn't have time to really sit down and thresh it all out. Lena silently cursed letting her hormones overrule her common sense. She thought back to Heero's frightened but determined expression when she'd opened her bedroom door the night before, and knew there was no point in getting mad. She couldn't blame him, or herself, and she certainly couldn't blame Trowa or Duo, either.
"I don't agree," Heero said, shaking his head. He pulled on his jeans, and moved around to kneel down at her feet, his hands on her knees. "Lena... I know it's war, and I didn't plan on it, but when I'm with you... "
"Heero," she whispered, startled by the open fear and longing in his face.
"I don't want to let go, but... " His fingers dug into her thighs, short nails catching on the fabric. "You have an entire nation's problems as your problems. I don't want to put more on you. Let me deal with this, myself."
"It's not a burden," she told him. "It's just part of being in a relationship." He gave her a skeptical look, and she couldn't help but laugh. "Really, it is. We'll figure it out." She leaned down and kissed him on the forehead. "And maybe when this is done, I'll beknight you. Then you'll have a fancy title to go with that Gundanium armor."
Heero pouted, shooting her an annoyed glance when she laughed. He sighed and came to his feet, clearly unconvinced.
"I'm going take a shower before the meeting," he said. Two steps across the room, and he nearly trod an air-filled condom. Heero stopped with a scowl; suddenly the condom was deflated and in the trash.
"What's wrong?" Lena slid off the bed, nudging one of the condom-balloons with her foot. "It's just latex."
"Still." Heero glared down at the floor, only his eyes moving as the rest deflated, flying into the trash.
Lena shook her head, and checked the clock. "We have twenty minutes before Doro really hits the warpath. Shower might be good, after all." She pulled her shirt off, undoing her bra and dropping it to the floor. Heero frowned at the mess; Lena started as her clothes shot into the air, folded themselves neatly, and landed on the dresser. She chuckled, and shooed him towards the door. "You're too much, Sir Yuy," she informed him.
Hil ran through the system checks one more time. She yawned, fighting off threatening sleep, and punched out the sub-frequency call. It had been ten minutes since her last attempt, drifting weightlessly near an LEO just over eastern Europe. In another ten minutes or so, the Foundation's satellite would be pivoting again, and she could leap-frog up to the MEO level and hide under cover of another cluster.
A light blinked for an incoming call, and Hil frowned, checking the origin before accepting the signal. A window opened on her forward screen, and she nearly sagged in relief.
"Hey, girly," Thayer said. His mustache was ruffled, and there was a bandage over his left eye, but his grin was irrepressible as ever. "You're all grown up and piloting on solo! What brings you to space?"
"Looking for a satellite," Hil said, refusing to rise to his teasing.
"You could've done that from Earth," Thayer pointed out. He glanced off-screen, nodding at something, and his smile faded into a more serious expression. "That's a shuttle registered to the Foundation, out of Sarajevo. Long way from home."
"The Foundation left us a lot of presents when they cleared out of Sanq," Hil told him. Her data link blinked, coming through with a feed on Thayer's location, about two hours away, at OEO level above the Atlantic ocean. "I couldn't get a signal this weak through the atmosphere, and I didn't want the Foundation picking it up."
"Girly, girly." Thayer spread his hands, leaning back in his chair. "You're just out to crush my masculine ego. Here I thought you'd shown up for a reunion or something." He winked. "Oh, well. Add me to the list of hearts you've broken this month."
It was an old joke, but Hil frowned, dropping her eyes. Trust Thayer to know precisely what to say, at exactly the wrong time. He whistled, and she rubbed her eyes with the heels of her hands.
"None but my own, Uncle," she muttered, and squared her shoulders.
"Sounds like a story," he said, his soft tone an apology.
"Maybe," she hedged, and took a deep breath. "I know the Foundation reordered the earth orbit levels two years ago, but I don't have a chart listing the names." Hil thumbed her hand at the shuttle's sidescreen, displaying the entire EO system with designations. "And I sure as hell don't have six hours to start at one end and work my way across the picture."
"We've got a database. I'll have Bethea pull it up." Thayer shrugged. "Which one you looking for?"
"I-11 and L-11."
"Those would be LEOs." He scratched the back of his head, and spoke in an undertone to someone off-screen. "We're running the dee-bee now."
Hil slumped in the pilot's chair. All the lower earth orbit satellites were for radio, television, communications devices; LEOs were impractical as life-supporting locations because of their short-term gravitational lifespan. Two to five years was the expected orbit of an LEO; then it'd fall into the earth, burning up in the earth's atmosphere.
"Yeah," Thayer said, coming back on. "Bethea's memory was accurate. The numbering designation for LEOs is one letter, A through Z, two digits, zero-zero to nine-nine. MEOs are two letters, four digits; and UEOs are four letters, eight digits. She's found L11. There's no entry for I-11. May've ended its life as a fireball - the database gets updated every six months, and we're due to steal an update soon. Means I-11's been out of commission for a while."
"Oh." Hil sighed.
"You want to give me the details?" Thayer leaned forward, resting his elbows on the console, and gave her a tired look. "I'm not just here as a pretty face, y'know."
"It was just a theory, and now I feel really stupid," Hil admitted. "Did you see the cease fire announcement?"
"Red Bitch making more noises, with her latest sidekick." Thayer didn't look impressed. "Yeah."
"That wasn't her sidekick, that was my neice," Hil shot back. "Zhiyi stumbled over 'illusions'." She scowled at Thayer's skeptical look. He waved a hand, indicating she should continue. Her face felt hot and was probably beet-red, but she resisted the urge to put up a hand to cover her cheeks. "So I thought maybe she was trying to let us know she's on L-11 or I-11."
"Not likely," Thayer said, and sighed. His gaze went distant, and Hil waited. Thayer had grown up a spacer, and his entire life had been moving around the intercolonial system. Hil realized she was wringing her hands in nervousness, and took a settling breath, forcing herself to relax. Thayer frowned, and called to someone off-screen. "Do you remember what Terra had said about the kid?" The reply was muffled, but Thayer nodded, looking annoyed. "Yeah, yeah. The bead on the MEO... "
"What?" Hil turned up the volume on the window, but it didn't improve the pick-up on the other end. All she got was the crackling of intercolonial frequency. When Thayer laughed out loud unexpectedly, she nearly jumped out of her skin, trying to turn the volume back to a manageable level.
"Guess what," Thayer drawled. "The shuttle's destination was MEO FT-5699. Bethea's got the charts. A puddle-jump from that MEO is another one, called QJ-9121. And from what she can tell, if you're at QJ and looking down on the earth, guess what's right in the middle of your line of sight."
"L-11?" Hil was certain her heart had just jumped up to her throat. She came up right, her hands braced on the shuttle console. "You'd better not be shitting me, uncle!"
"No way, girly," Thayer said. "Okay, sending coordinates. You're hiding behind A-27, from what we see... " He frowned. "You'd better scoot. Aim for twenty-three-point-six-two, forty-one-point-six-oh, seventy-seven-point-oh-nine."
Hil reviewed the coordinates coming across the data frequency. "That'll send me in the opposite direction from QJ-9121."
"It'll send you somewhere to hide," Thayer snapped. "Move it. Foundation trawler's coming up on your ass, and you can hide behind a bundle of communication trash until they pass. And while you wait, do something about your lack of proximity alarms." His screen went dark, then flashed back on. "And get some sleep, once you've done that. We'll come through and pick you up in two hours, and you look like the far side of an L2 trash dump."
"Gee, thanks," Hil said, firing up her boosters. "Love you, too."
"Same to you, girly," Thayer said, and grinned. "Next time, don't wait so many years to come visit." He closed the connection.
Trowa looked up from the notepad when Heero entered. Heero glanced around at the messy room, and frowned. Clothes immediately began flying in all directions, until sorted in three piles: Trowa's green shirt, several pairs of Duo's black jeans, a host of dirty socks.
"I'm not your maid," Heero said, and stripped off his clothes. "Where's Duo?"
"Wandering around somewhere," Trowa told him. "Probably in search of more food. Call for him if you want him. He can't be far."
Heero strode past into the bathroom, closing the door without reply. It amused Trowa, as always, that Heero had no compunction about nudity, where Duo was modest even after years of close quarters. Trowa returned his attention to the lyrics under his hand, relieved Heero hadn't noticed or commented.
"Why did you promise me forever, when you knew that it would only be a matter of time... " Trowa checked again that his comm. was off, and hummed the tune under his breath, marking chord progression notes above the lines. "Why did you let me think that everything... " He frowned, and crossed out 'everything'. " ...Anything I ever really wanted could last for a lifetime... " He frowned, and chewed on the end of the pen.
...But I have never been the innocent you always thought I was...
Perhaps it was pointless. He wasn't really sure they would continue to communicate through music. Seeing Quatre and Wufei had been painful, but he'd kept his face impassive, and knew he'd fooled them well enough. The five had never been separated for so long; even their roughest missions, they'd been in touch to some degree. He'd watched them stand at Meiran's shoulder, and felt a chasm between them.
Of course, he told himself, there was a bond now, between those three. It had been good to return to Sanq, to warmth, to shelter, to food. But at the same time, it felt like the last stone in their foundation had crumbled. Any minute, the house they'd built would fall down.
"Sometimes I think that I have been... " Trowa jotted down the new lines, humming the arpeggio under his breath for F-sharp and shook his head. He tried again with F-sharp minor, adding a seventh, hummed the chord of A, and into D-major. " ...Old and weary since the day that I was born... "
For years he'd allowed himself the balm of seeing Quatre, knowing Quatre, as the only consolation prize in having Quatre ripped away from him. It had been good enough; enough that he'd never considered that someday even that might be gone. Seeing Quatre standing so close to Wufei and Meiran had been a sudden, stark reminder that it was forever over. There was no cure, no resolution, no distant possibility.
...Every time I've dared to hope, I've found dreams turned to ashes in my hands...
He hummed the words, wondering why his vision blurred, and thought of the innocent smile on Heero's face as he slept, curled around Lena. But there was something deep in Lena's gaze, lurking under the smile. She had regrets. He wondered if that were what he'd felt after sex, too; if 'regret' was the word for that aching sensation of incompleteness.
...Every day I've lived, I've had to fight just to stand...
Trowa sighed and reviewed the lines so far. He didn't think he'd show them to anyone. Where once it would have been left as a new song on the meeting table, now he struggled with the idea of letting anyone know what he was hiding. And while that felt like betrayal, it felt like a greater risk to let them know; there was nothing to be gained and everything to be lost.
"And though I know there is really no one but my fated stars to blame," he whispered, jotting the words down as they rolled off his tongue.
He recalled the hour they'd waited while Heero was with Lena: Duo's sly and knowing glances, until they heard Heero's deep groan of true pleasure rolling across the 'comm. It had cut off abruptly; Heero had shut off the link, and they'd known their plan had worked. Duo had laughed, joyfully attacking Trowa; in that moment, Duo was nothing but pleased victory. His scattered attentions were drawn to a single point, focused on Trowa.
...I wonder what I'd do if the things I waited for ever really came...
Afterwards, Trowa had laid in the dark with his hands behind his head, staring at the ceiling while Duo slept at his side. Duo was a good lover, Trowa told himself, yet the bitter taste in his mouth wouldn't go away. Duo was enthusiastic, exhilarating, inventive, and he'd snuggle close afterwards with a pleased, sated smile on his face. But then, at a point measurable only by Duo, he'd get up, dress, and leave with a backwards wave and a joke. Even when he stayed, he was still gone, in some way, his face turning away from the moment, his gaze fixed on some future point Trowa couldn't see. It made Trowa want to grab the man and strangle him with his own braid.
...Can you understand why I always doubt that you love me...
In the moment of Duo's laughter, he truly felt what he expressed; when Duo was pensive, his contemplation consumed him. Trowa wasn't fooled. He knew each single emotion roiled with nuances too easily missed if he accepted the face value of the laugh, the stare, the shrug. He wanted to grab on, pinpoint the layers, see down to the core, but too soon Duo would move away from one emotion, one moment, into the next. For Duo, the past was gone; only the future remained.
...Do you know why I fear this faith, that always leaves me cold...
He reread the lyrics, and called on his memories of Duo's face, caught in the harsh explosion of orgasm, eyes focused on some internal point. The memory was a poniard-jab; Trowa sighed. He'd been an idiot to hope he could have a corner of the world to himself.
Or at least a corner of one person's soul.
Trowa stared down at the completed song, and noted that the water in the bathroom had just stopped. Heero's comm. was still on, and he was muttering under his breath about the damp towels and the long hairs on the sink. Trowa took a deep breath and tore the top sheet off the notepad. Carefully, so he wouldn't notice his shaking fingers, he folded up the paper, folding it again, then again, until it was no larger than a few inches square. He put it in the back pocket of his jeans.
...Alone with my own demons, despite the promises you hold...
He stood up, stretching, and put the pen and pad back into his bag. Trowa shoved his feet into his boots, not bothering to lace them. The meeting would be in a few minutes, and perhaps he would track down Duo, and make sure the other man hadn't forgotten already about Doro's command.
Later he'd find a moment, and burn the song, along with his stupid hopes.
"The word is that Mariemaia will be attending Geneva," Doro told Meiran. Quatre sat on Doro's left, looking over the arrangements proposed by the Parliament.
"There's no indication whether Lena will attend as a dignitary of Sanq or a Gundam pilot," Quatre noted.
"Cecil said they're undecided," Doro answered. "I suspect they're leaning towards having her join us. Cole will speak for Sanq, after all. He's the properly elected Prime Minister."
"Figureheads need not apply," Meiran said, and shook her head. "Focus on Zhiyi. She's with Mariemaia, and I want a location. Information. Something."
"Lady Catalonia?" A young man put his head through the door of the smaller conference room. "I have the latest guest lists."
"Good, Wilson." Doro accepted the papers, rifling through them, and handing several to Quatre. "Tell me if you know any of the names from the colonial representatives." She paused, running her finger down the sheet she'd kept. "Mariemaia Khushrenada-Barton. Attendee, with six others... four listed. Her main staff, and her fiancé."
"No ID on the other two?" Meiran leaned forward, anxious. "Then I say--"
"No," Quatre interrupted. Doro noted the sharp look in his blue-green eyes, and the momentary quiver that ran across Meiran's features before she settled back in her chair with a sulky expression. "Out of the question. If this offer of peace is solid, we let it play out." He pushed the papers back to Doro.
Meiran stiffened, opening her mouth for a counter-argument, but Doro held up her hand.
"Quatre's right." Doro lowered her hand and gave Meiran a stern look. "Wherever Mariemaia was, it's undoubtedly away from the battlefield. Zhiyi has been far safer at Mariemaia's side than she would have been in Sanq." Doro left it without saying that the colonies hadn't been any safer, either. "If this ceasefire is successful, we will deal with it then. If not, we consider a plan of attacking Mariemaia directly."
Meiran was silent for several minutes, staring at Doro. Her gaze shifted to Quatre, who held it with an inscrutable expression of his own. The door opened and closed behind them, and Wufei entered. Doro pointed to a chair, but he shook his head, choosing to lean against the wall where he could see the door and the windows. No one spoke or moved for a minute, until Wufei seemed to come out of his private meditation, fixing his dark gaze on Doro.
"Why did you come back?"
"Lena needed me," Doro parried, caught off-guard. She took a breath and met his eyes. "Why ask me now?"
"If these conferences don't work--" The curl of his lips implied his skepticism. "--I may be going into battle with you," Wufei replied evenly. "You left once. How are we to know you won't again?"
"Touché."
Doro leaned back in the chair, and looked around the plain, modern room; its straight white blinds blocking out the view of the mountains, and the village below. Once, the room had been part of the offices for the museum. The table was scarred, and the chairs creaked. Wufei was still, his profile sharply light by the barred morning light through the windows.
Meiran knew her history, as did the other pilots, and it was clear Meiran didn't need the explanation. The problem was that Doro didn't know the five men well enough, nor they, her. It was clear that Meiran trusted the two men she'd taken as lovers. While that was normally enough for Doro, she still found herself bristling at the notion of explaining herself. What could she say?
I fought for so long because I believed war was the only solution. I fought because I saw my father's pacifism as cowardice. I was allowed to go because my compatriots knew my heart was dying. I came back because I'd rather let my heart drown in blood than see my friends die in battle. I could not live if they died, knowing my death could have saved them.
No, Doro told herself. I can't speak. What do I say, instead?
"I can give you no guarantee," she finally said. "I can only give you my word that I'm in this to the end."
She didn't realize she was holding her breath until Wufei finally nodded, and moved to sit at the table. Quatre pushed the papers towards him, and Wufei picked them up, glancing across them. Meiran was staring across the room, and started slightly when the door opened. Lena, Duo, Trowa, and Heero came in; Doro noted the way Heero moved to brush against Wufei before sitting, and Trowa came around to lay a hand on Quatre's shoulder as he sat. Duo picked a chair by Heero, but caught and held Quatre's gaze. And Lena hesitated by Meiran's side, the two clasping hands, a smile shared, then grip released.
Doro narrowed her eyes at that; Meiran was bothered by something beyond Zhiyi, Doro could tell, but without a chance to speak to Meiran alone, she doubted it'd come out. Lena's unspoken assurance to Meiran was louder for lack of words. While the two had been competitive and outright argumentative the first few years, their friendship had grown into one of the strongest in the group.
Before Doro could consider further the unspoken communication between her teammates, Cat stepped into the room. Her expression was dark.
"Doro, we've got a situation," she announced. "Hil's gone, and so is Deathscythe."
End Part 35
(:./sol/tetra35)
