08-Feb-2005
Title: Gray
Author: Mookie
Pairing: none (unless you really really want to see it)
Rating: G
Word count: 422
Warnings: minor spoilers for series, vagueness, very short
introspective piece
Notes: I got the idea for this when I saw Natalie Thompson's request
on LJ community art_on_demand.
I'm not an artist, was intrigued by Situation: I'd like a picture of
an introspective Hilde -- perhaps sitting somewhere staring off into
space?
This is what came of it.
I'm a woman now.
As much as I'd like to say I've never been a girl, that I've always been a soldier, a young woman wise beyond her years, it's only now that I realize I might have fooled plenty of people, including myself, but I never fooled him.
He'd angered me with his flippancy and he'd made me question who my enemies really were. I'd captured him and put my life on the line to assist him. He was my foe and then my friend, my partner in battle and in trade. I'd once hoped he'd be more than that until he looked at me one day, his eyes full of fondness and regret.
He'd taken my hand in his, his hand warm and callused, and said he was sorry.
I might have taken a long time to realize what Duo's intent was during the war, but I knew exactly what he was apologizing for.
I realize now that I used to rely too much on information that was fed to me and that I depended on others to form my opinions for me. I'd never tested my faith because I was so sure of what I believed in. Even after meeting Duo and reevaluating my opinion of OZ, I followed his example rather than forging my own.
When he apologized, I realized that I'd assumed that wanting to believe the same things as Duo wasn't the same as truly embracing them. I'd given Duo the strings to manipulate me and he'd given them back unsevered.
I don't know what I believe in anymore. Everything that was so black and white back then has blurred into many shades of gray that it's hard to find my way out of the fog.
Last week I went to visit Duo. I didn't call first, so I wasn't surprised that he wasn't home, just disappointed. What did surprise me was his new roommate, who invited me in for coffee.
I met Relena Peacecraft aboard the Libra, back when we each "had" a Gundam pilot of our own. I thought I understood her then.
I was wrong.
The gray doesn't bother me anymore. I find it easier to embrace the monochromatic hues. I'm still young. I have plenty of time to decide what colors I want to paint my world with. I don't need to make heads or tails of all of life's mysteries before I turn thirty.
As a wise man recently told me, when nothing makes sense, I'll fight believing only in myself.
The End
(:./mookie/gray)
