4 March 2001
Category: Songfic, Angst
Rating: R
Pairings: 1+3, 1+2
Warnings: Angsty out the wazoo, language
Feedback: C&C
Notes: The song, Deuce is by The Cardigans and comes from The X-Files: Fight the Future soundtrack. I was all set to write a PWP (not to this song), when this flowed out of my fingertips instead.
[--indicates song lyrics--]
'--denotes thoughts--'
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing and its characters belongs to Bandai, Sunrise and Sotsu Agency and are only being used for non profit entertainment purposes.
'When he leaves, he leaves without a trace,' Trowa thought as he looked at the barren apartment he once shared with Heero. It wasn't like their apartment could have been featured in House & Garden, but anything that would have been a reminder of Heero was painfully missing.
Trowa knew that one day Heero would leave him. 'What does he need someone like me for?' He shook that errant thought out of his brain before fear gripped him. 'Why did I let him get so close? Maybe with all illusions removed, there was no reason for him to stay.'
[I am afraid of you now
Now that you left me
Nothing to say
Not much now
Now that you left me
Now that you left me
Now that you left me]
Quatre was the first to call Trowa.
"Are you doing okay, Trowa?" the blonde asked his best friend. "I understand that ..." He seemed to hesitate.
"He's gone," Trowa said in a dead voice. "It's not like it was unexpected. I'm fine."
"You don't sound fine to me. Would you like for me to come over?" Quatre asked with concern in his voice.
Trowa shook his head. "I'm fine, really. Don't come. I'll be fine."
[Just for how long
did you know
before you left me?
Nothing to do
It's up to you
To use it against me
Use it against me
Now that you left me]
Trowa hung up the phone and walked to the bedroom. The room looked immaculate as usual. Duo would always joke that Heero had the ability to make any room look like a Ramada Inn. Trowa sat on the bed and tried not to think. It was difficult. His thoughts wouldn't shut up. He didn't have to guess where Heero would turn up. 'I hope Duo is happy to see him. Did he just need me for training to learn to love Duo? Why did I let myself fall so damn deep?' He continued to mentally berate himself. He cringed at every spoken word of love on his part to Heero.
Their relationship was never an easy one, but he thought Heero loved him. 'Guess I was wrong,' Trowa sighed as he stretched out on the bed and pulled Heero's pillow close to his body as if he was holding the missing man himself. He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply the scent on the pillow that was Heero's. It was the only thing left in the apartment that was Heero's. 'Ah,' Trowa smiled to himself, 'You didn't think you'd leave a vapor trail.' He settled into an uneasy nap.
[You are ahead of me now
Because you left me
Words that I've said
All yours now
To use it against me
You have erased me
Now that you left me]
Months had past. Trowa attended a charity ball given by the government as a fundraiser to help out orphans and others still devastated by the wars of five years earlier. He wasn't going to attend but Catherine forced him to. She had been worried about him since Heero had left. He had returned to the circus, but it was took supreme effort on her part not to accidentally hurt him during their act. He was getting more careless by the day and nothing she could say could get him to stop. He just didn't care. She hope seeing some of the others would help him. She knew he had declined help from Quatre and even Wufei. 'Maybe this time, he'll let them help him, since I can't,' she thought.
Of course, she also hoped that seeing Heero would make him angry enough to confront the Japanese man, so he could begin to heal.
As Trowa danced with Catherine, he felt he was moving in an agonizing hellish dream. He still couldn't believe she talked him into going. The last person he wanted to see was Heero. Yet as he made his mechanical motions of dancing, he would glance around the room looking for him. 'Maybe he won't come.'
If Heero and Duo planned to enter the ballroom quietly, that plan was shattered by Relena rushing over to them to greet them. They said their pleasantries, as Heero's eyes combed the room looking for possible threats to Relena and escape routes if needed. His eyes stopped roaming the room when he saw Trowa.
Trowa was standing by the punch bowl, looking withdrawn. Quatre was talking to him, but he didn't seem to be listening. His eyes were trained on Heero, trying to will his stomach from quaking and his heart from breaking.
'He looks good. Why should I be surprised by that? Why can't he look like shit? I know I must look that way. I certainly feel that way,' Trowa thought before remembering that Quatre was talking to him.
"Are you going to talk to him, Trowa?" Quatre asked.
"No."
Duo walked over to Trowa and Quatre, with a nervous smile on his face. "Quatre! Trowa! So how is everything?"
Quatre responded, "Fine, Duo. How are you?"
Trowa merely stared.
"Umm ... great," Duo said weakly. He wasn't sure if coming over was the right thing to do. These were his friends, even if Heero's actions ... "Trowa?"
Trowa stared at Duo for a second longer before saying, "Hai?"
"Are you ... um, okay?" Duo asked, flushed in embarrassment. He felt no animosity towards the taller man.
"Just fine," Trowa said, "If you'll excuse me." Then he left.
[I'll be gone
I'll be gone]
Heero watched Trowa from across the room. He couldn't understand why he was feeling pain. 'I'm the one who left. I can't love Trowa. I love Duo. He's always known that even when we were together. Why does seeing him hurt so?'
[I'll be gone
I'll be gone]
Trowa's need for fresh air was overwhelming. 'Why did Duo have to be so damn nice to me?' He continued to walk until he was outdoors. He found a sturdy looking tree to lean against.
[I'll be gone
I'll be gone]
"Trowa," Heero said, as he approached the young man, leaning against the tree.
'Fuck,' Trowa thought, 'The fun never ends.' "Yes, Heero?"
"I'm sorry," he said.
"For what? Leaving without so much as a Dear Trowa note? For making me foolishly love you? For leaving the cap off the toothpaste? What are you sorry for?" Trowa asked, trying to keep his voice steady and failing miserably at it.
"For hurting you," Heero said quietly. "I didn't want to hurt you."
[I'll be gone
I'll be gone]
"Who's hurt?" Trowa said, as he pushed himself off the tree and walked away. He continued to walk away as every fiber of his being screamed for him to go back and fight for Heero's love. 'I never had his love,' his brain reminded his heart. He wasn't going to turn back. He held his head high, shoulders straight for a change and continued on his long walk home. He knew Heero wouldn't follow this time. He was both gladdened and saddened by that.
Heero watched him walk away. The pain he felt in his chest didn't go away, in fact it felt worse. He didn't realize until he pushed some hair out of his eyes, that he had tears in them. He knew he should go back to the party but he couldn't move. His eyes never left Trowa even as Trowa disappeared over the horizon.
OWARI
(:./babaca/deuce)
