24-Apr-2000
Note: theme week fic
Very off the cuff parody of all those really awful tabloid talk shows.
Warnings: mild shoujo-ai, mild shonen-ai, weird & OOC & super stupid to the nth power.
Season highlights from "Relena," the show with no redeeming value, like a Twinkie
A clip from "My woman has turned yuri and I want her to change back."
"Noin," says Relena. "What secret would you like to tell the audience."
Noin smiles in the standard uniform of a show like this, a skimpy purple colored dress. "I left my husband Zechs for a beautiful biker chick named Sally."
"Uh, let's welcome her."
The crowd applauds as Sally in a leather jacket and tight jeans strolls across the stage and gives Noin one helluva lip lock. Then they both sit down, holding hands.
A male audience member raises his hands. Relena gives him the mike. "Your name?"
"I'm Alex and can I say that Noin is gorgeous. Can I watch?"
The audience boos him for his crassness.
Relena turns to the two and says, "So, this is a permanent thing?"
"I'd say so," said Noin. "She's so yummy and attentive to my needs. And let's say that she does things with her tongue that no man is willing to do."
The audience starts to hoot. Mueller gets a nosebleed.
"Let's introduce our next guest, Zechs Marquise."
Zechs walks out with a bouquet of flowers for Noin, who simply turns away...
A woman in the audience yells, "Woman, are you crazy? You left him for her?"
Zechs says, "I'm sorry for all those years of neglect, but please come back."
"And our other guest, Wufei Chang."
Wufei walks from the other side and yells at Noin, "You made my woman yuri! I'll never forgive you for that! Kisama!"
Suddenly a fight breaks out with Noin trying to kill Wufei with a chair and Sally trying to restrain her.
A clip from "The In-laws are breaking up our marriage"
"Trowa... " says Relena. "What exactly is the problem."
"In-laws, too many."
There's a pause.
"Please explain.
"29 of them, sisters-in-law."
"Uuuuuuuuuw," goes the audience.
"They weren't too pleased that I was a guy and a poor circus performer to boot. Quatre has been wonderful, but I'm not sure I can take much more of this."
"Quatre come out."
Quatre runs over and says, "I'll move off L4, just don't leave me!"
"Ahhhh!" says the audience.
a clip from "Modern day witches!"
"I beg your pardon, but I am not a witch," says Dorothy. "I am a miko, which means priestess, and my followers are seishi, warriors who will help in calling forth a god."
"I'm glad you've chosen this show in which to summon a god from the alternate dimension."
Dorothy and the G-boys chant the incantations when suddenly in front of the audience, an apparition that looks much like a very surprised and puzzled woman sucking on a piece of mint candy while typing on a keyboard appears, floating above the stage. Upon seeing she's on TV, she waves. The audience waves back.
"Are you a god?" said Dorothy.
Having watched Ghostbusters and what happens to those who deny godhood, the apparition decides to say, "Yes, I am a god." Then she sees the seishi and says, "Wow, they're cute."
"Would you like any of them to service you?" said Dorothy.
"No thanks. The other gods frown deeply when a god does that sort of thing... Actually, they'd rather see your seishi do each other," remarks the not-so-impressive god who was really not a god but was from an alternate universe.
"No, don't take off your clothes... " screams Relena. "Not here, go to the back room! The BACK!"
The End
(:./mk/talkp)
