07-Sep-2004
This is a mission, and I have accepted it. I am armed with night goggles, a pickax, and a flamethrower, and if I'm not back by two days from now, don't come after me. It's a scary place.
Mission: make Saro beg for mercy.
Start: 2300 hours, September 6 2004
Duration: two hours, estimated.
Title: A Most Despicable Thing
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: 1+2, 3+4, 5+R.
Warnings: Beyond fluffy cacti. Waaaay beyond.
[Disclaimer: this is at least partly a parody. It's just for the sheer fun of it all, since I'd say it's pretty well known that I tend to write the G-boys as... well... rather non-communicative, shall we say. So, please, sit back, enjoy (I hope), and let's see if I can successfully make Saro beg for mercy. *starts up flamethrower* Okay, I'm going in!]
"I liked that restaurant," Relena announced, smiling at Duo when he unlocked the inn's front door.
Their innkeeper had gone to bed, but they all had keys for the front door as well as their own rooms. Heero trotted past, hands in his pockets, chin down; pondering something important, most likely. Quatre was close behind, chatting with Relena about the restaurant's decor, while Trowa and Wufei discussed the town's history.
Within minutes, they'd returned from their rooms, coats left on chairs and beds. Trowa was the first back downstairs, and they found him in the inn's front parlor, holding up two bottles of wine.
"I think it's one of the perks, or something," Duo said, taking one of the bottles.
"No drinking straight from the bottle," Heero told him in a stern tone.
Duo blinked, surprise turning to a smirk. "Make me."
Heero smirked right back, and reached for the bottle. Relena snagged it first.
"Decent vintage," she said, reading the label. Trowa handed her a glass, and she sipped neatly. "Yes, this is definitely a good wine. Who arranged for this, anyway?"
"I think it's part of the package," Quatre replied, accepting a glass.
Soon all six were arranged in the parlor, each couple occupying one of the three loveseats grouped around a low glass table. Duo had lit the fire in the fireplace, with running skeptical commentary from Trowa and Wufei about the likelihood of the house going up in a marvelous explosion at some point during the evening. Heero had watched, smug, while Duo shot right back with barbs of his own.
Quatre made a point of agreeing with Duo's estimation of Trowa's ability to blow things up successfully, which made Relena swear she should've bought earplugs. Wufei shook his head, and gave her a look that implied that he would need the earplugs more, once they'd headed to bed; Relena arched an eyebrow and refused to grace him with an explicit answer.
They settled down, drinking their wine, pleased when Duo discovered two more bottles sitting on the sideboard. Conversation was minimal, most of them too used to each other's attitudes and histories to need any extensive conversation.
It was comfortable, quiet, and peaceful... which is naturally when it started to go all wrong.
Duo noticed it first. He was explaining in his usual shorthand about the modifications he'd made to his motorcycle, when he noticed Heero was considerably closer. All night they'd kept their usual public distance, but Heero was now pressed up to Duo's side.
"Heero," Duo said, in a puzzled voice. "Are you playing with my hair?"
"M-hmm," Heero replied, a dreamy look in his eyes.
Duo blinked, and turned to Wufei, who shrugged.
"He's drunk," Trowa observed.
"Amusing, but drunk," Quatre agreed.
"I had no idea it could happen," Relena said. "Give him more."
Heero ignored the refilled glass, however, and leaned forward to whisper into Duo's ear. "I love your hair," he said, too low to be heard over the crackling fireplace. "The way it glistens in the light, moves when you move, I want to hold on and never let go... "
"It's nothing like your eyes... " Duo's eyelashes fluttered, overcome by Heero, as always. "I drown in them, love."
"Love," Heero breathed. "That word is too small for how I feel about you."
"I've been so scared," Duo continued, feeling faint. He ran a finger down Heero's cheek, smiling when Heero caught his hand by the wrist and pressed a kiss on Duo's palm. "Everyone I've ever loved has died, I've lost so many things, but if I lost you—"
"Never," Heero promised. "You mean everything to me. I'll keep you safe."
"I worry," Duo insisted. "Working for Preventers, so dangerous, but I love you too much to tell you that you can't do it—"
"I'd quit in a heartbeat if my work upsets you," Heero said, and kissed Duo's palm again. "You're my only love, my sweet American, and whatever you want, I'll give... "
On the sofa opposite them, Trowa was feeling distinctly sulky. Quatre was turned away from him, chatting softly with Wufei about gun design prohibitions. Relena, beside Wufei, had undone his ponytail and was running her fingers through his hair. Trowa noted, curious, that Wufei wasn't scowling but kept turning to smile at her over his shoulder.
Trowa realized Quatre hadn't paid him any attention in several minutes. He spontaneously tugged Quatre backwards until Quatre was halfway into his lap.
"You're so small and delicate," Trowa murmured, nuzzling his cheek against Quatre's.
"By a half-inch," Quatre replied, breathlessly.
"My desert prince, my gorgeous ray of sunshine," Trowa continued, and pulled Quatre closer. "I don't want to ever let go... "
"Oh," Quatre said, snuggling close. He wrapped his arms around Trowa's neck, and pressed delicate open-mouth kisses along Trowa's jaw. "You're my latin lover... all those times when I thought there was no purpose, you were there, the light of my life... "
"My little one," Trowa said, and cradled Quatre close. "I've always wanted to tell you how much you mean to me, but I've been afraid... so many times I've had to fight, had to shut my heart away... "
"Never again," Quatre murmured. "I'll keep your heart safe, my love."
"You are my heart," Trowa replied, and kissed Quatre chastely. "Anyone ever threatens you, I'd go through fire and hell and rising waters to rescue you."
Quatre sighed. "Oh, my love, I'd do the same. Anything I have, all I own, is yours. Whatever you need, I'll give. You're everything to me, and without you, I'm nothing."
"Don't ever leave me," Trowa said, stifling a sob.
"Never," Quatre promised, running his fingers through Trowa's hair, soothing his lover. "Never, ever."
"I adore your hair," Relena purred to Wufei, watching the dark strands fall onto his shoulders. He turned to raise a curious eyebrow at her, and she smiled, a bit self-consciously. "I do... but you always keep it tied up, so tightly." She carded her fingers through his hair again, then withdrew her hand to brush her fingertips across his cheek and down his neck until her palm was against his chest. "You keep such a tight lid on yourself, held under such control... "
"I could never let anyone else see the true extent of my passions," Wufei breathed, kissing her on the cheek, leaning forward until his lips were at his ear. "I save them all for you. You're the only one who sees the true me, Princess."
"Oh, Wufei, my dragon," Relena said, and threw her arms around his neck. "There are so many pressures on me, so many people who want me to be something for them. If it weren't for your strength, holding me up... "
"You're my guiding light," Wufei demurred. "Your belief in your principles is unwavering, which is why I respect and love you so helplessly. You brought me out of darkness, helped me to see the path of true justice and peace." He pressed his lips to her earlobe, flicking at it with his tongue, and smiled to hear Relena's breath hitch. "You have such grace and beauty... "
"Only because you lend it to me," Relena insisted. "Oh, Wufei, everything I am, is because of you. Whatever would I do without you at my side?"
"I'll always be at your side, princess." Wufei pressed more kisses along her jaw line.
"My dragon, my noble lover," Relena sighed.
Duo sighed, staring into the deep limpid pools of Heero's blue eyes, then blinked as his mind registered what Heero had just said.
"Heero," Duo said, interrupting Heero's breathless words.
When Heero looked up from his ministrations to Duo's palm, Duo had to shake his head to distract himself from the dazed expression on Heero's face. Heero leaned forward, and Duo leaned backwards, avoiding the kiss.
"Heero," Duo repeated, sterner. "Did you just say you would quit Preventers if I asked?"
"Immediately," Heero said, sighing. His gaze was fixed on Duo's mouth.
Duo frowned, certain he was missing something.
"What bothers you, my fragile, beautiful love?" Heero whispered. "I'll do anything to keep you happy. You're all that matters to me; your happiness is my only mission now."
"Are you out of your frickin' gourd?"
Heero blinked. "Hunh?"
"Hello!" Duo jumped up from the sofa. "Quit Preventers? I know I've kind of implied I think it's hypocritical for you to make that oath and then go work for Preventers, but quit? What the fuck are you on, man?"
"I'm high on love," Heero tried, one last time, but his eyes crossed at the same time, as though he were staring at his own mouth uttering the words.
"You're high all right," Duo snapped, and looked around to see the other two couples sighing and smiling blissfully into each others' eyes while murmuring adoring phrases. "Hey! You four! Stop that! Come on!" Duo clapped his hands to get their attention. It didn't work; he resorted to snapping his fingers in their faces.
"Duo," Heero said, his normal tenor rising out of its temporarily husky tones. "Something's... " His voice turned into a silken purr. "I would do anything for your happiness... I always have, ever since that first time you smiled at me from the hospital screen... " Again, he looked startled.
"Anything?"
"Always, every minute, everything I do... "
Duo put his hands on his hips, and stared at Heero. "Name one time!"
There was a long silence, during which Trowa hiccupped.
"I did the dishes last week," Heero offered. He stood up, stepping close to Duo, and put his hands on Duo's cheeks. He opened his mouth to speak, then frowned and closed it.
"Heero," Duo sighed, melting into his lover. "Oh, you did, didn't you, and I was so happy you saw how important it is to me that the kitchen be clean. You're so perfect. There's nothing you can't do, and knowing that you notice me... it's just amazing. It's such a wonderful gift that you'd ever even like a street kid like me, let alone fall in love... "
Heero blinked a few times, then stepped back with a cough.
"Duo's right. We've been drugged."
Duo swayed at the abrupt removal of Heero from his arms, and shook his head sharply.
"Right, then," Duo said, looking around. Quatre was scooting off Trowa's lap, puzzled and annoyed, while Relena was searching anxiously for Wufei's hairtie. Duo frowned, and stared at the four bottles on the glass table. "Definitely drugged."
An hour later – and several close calls during which all had to struggle to keep each other on their usual less communicative paths – it was eventually determined that there was a note attached to the first wine bottle.
"Have fun," it said.
Relena stared at it for a long second before slapping it down on the table.
"Dorothy," she announced, in a tone that brooked no argument.
"Let's kill her," Quatre replied.
"I'm in." Heero stood up.
"I'll get the grenades," Duo said.
"I have ammo in my bag," Trowa offered.
"I sharpened my sword yesterday," Wufei said. He glanced at Relena, and his shoulders relaxed as he leaned close to her. "I'll always defend your honor, my—"
"Wufei!" Relena barked.
"Oh, right," Wufei said, coughing. He scowled. "I say we draw and quarter Dorothy."
"First, we need her address," Duo pointed out.
"I know it." Relena pursed her lips, then smiled tightly. "And I think death is too good. I think this requires something a bit more... thorough."
Heero looked puzzled. "Torture?"
"I understand," Quatre said, smiling at Relena, but it wasn't a friendly look.
"Good." Relena came to her feet, smoothing down her sweater. "I'm ready."
"Duo," Quatre snapped. "Paint gun."
"I'll build one from spare vacuum cleaner parts."
Quatre glanced sideways at the man by his side. "Trowa, sixteen yards of bunting."
"I'll infiltrate the fabric store in town."
"Heero. We'll need a ladder."
"I'll borrow one from the inn's shed."
Quatre nodded. "Relena, floral wallpaper."
"I'm sure my mansion has at least sixteen spare rolls in the basement."
"Wufei, yours is the most dangerous task."
Wufei braced himself, his eyes narrowed. Quatre took a deep breath, and looked around at the silent, waiting men. Former Gundam pilots all; these were not men with which one could mess around and walk away unscathed. They were up to this, he knew. Even Relena, as the civil leader of the earth sphere's premiere peacekeeping organization, could hold her own in this mission.
"Wufei is going to enter the enemy's stronghold," Quatre said, in a flat tone. "Come with me, and I'll explain what we'll do."
Dorothy rolled out of bed with a pleased smile. She was curious about the morning after, and hummed happily as she dressed. She raised a brush to her head, and stared, aghast, at the reflection in the mirror.
Her head was covered in some kind of goop, and her hair was gone. Dorothy blinked, putting a hand tentatively to her head. The pink liquid had solidified, but her nose wrinkled at the familiar smell.
"Nair," she snarled, noticing the open window for the first time. With a strangled growl, she launched herself at the window, looking out across her front lawn.
"My car!" Dorothy grabbed her dressing gown, flying out her bedroom, down the stairs, and flung open the front door. Ignoring her startled neighbors, she ran to the driveway, where her previously yellow SUV was parked.
It was pink.
Hot pink.
With fuschia polka-dots.
Dorothy gave a strangled gasp, and turned away, her fist pressed against her lips. Those Gundam pilots simply didn't play fair, she decided. They had no sense of—
That's when she saw the house.
Wallpapered.
A lovely pink floral pattern.
With seashell pink bunting over every window.
And a large bow over the front door.
In pink.
Dorothy shrieked, and fled into the house, slamming the door behind her. Gasping, she scrambled for the phone, desperate.
"Yes, I need the name of the nearest wig store... "
"Mission successful," Heero announced, and pulled the headphones off.
"Good," Wufei said, from his position by the door.
Trowa nodded, and shut down the video monitors they'd established in Dorothy's bedroom and across her front lawn. Quatre watched, a smirk playing at the corners of his lips, but he said nothing other than giving each pilot – and Relena – a satisfied nod.
"I'm going to be getting that paste off my hands for the next two days," Relena muttered, scrubbing at her fingers.
Wufei arched an eyebrow. "Do you need help, Pri—"
"Call me that and lose a limb," Relena told him.
He smirked, and backed out of her way.
"That should teach Dorothy," Duo said, darkly, his eyes on the view-screens. He leaned over Heero's shoulder, pointing to the close-up of the front door. Duo tapped on the bow over the door. "Does this mean I can't say you've never given me anything?"
"I'll give you a black eye if you don't get your greasy fingers off my view-screens," Heero replied.
"See, now," Duo grinned. "Back to normal. Life is good."
The End
ha, ha, ha, I scare myself.
(:./sol/despicable)
