01-May-2000
Treize recited the incantations that would bring a god into his world.
A god appeared before him, looking very surprised with a cup of cocoa in its hands.
Treize raised an eyebrow. "You drink cocoa?" He was expecting an absolutely gorgeous creature or maybe a gigantic bird made of fire or maybe an absolutely hideous monster, but this...
"It's a morning ritual before I go to work."
"About my wish... "
"Yes, I know about your wish. You want the amorous affections of Wufei Chang."
"Yes... "
The god frowns. "You're so greedy, Treize. You have power, money and the adoration of a large number of soldiers. You've already got Zechs, handsome if somewhat unstable, and Lady Une, who is really quite lovely and worships the ground you walk on."
"Une is also unstable."
"Well, that goes without saying."
"But I want Wuuuu."
"You do realize Wufei is strai... "
Treize clamps his hands over his ears and says, "NO, not the S word." Lies, all lies, he thought.
The god nearly face-vaults, but then decides to keep drinking the cocoa. "You should realize of course, that your pursuit of this pilot is based on your urgent need to fill a psychological void that can not be cured by attaining the charming but grumpy bishonen."
Treize blinks and says, "My thoughts were much lower than that. I was thinking of filling Wufei's void."
What remains of the cocoa spills on the floor from face-vaulting. The god narrows its eyes and says, "I will grant your wish, but only because you are the favorite of many of the other gods. I will now disappear and never again appear to you."
Treize does a little happy dance that reminds one of the dancing hamsters on a website that shall remain unnamed.
Meanwhile, several miles away in a sunlit field, Wufei was standing on a stepladder, polishing and buffing his beloved Nataku. "Aren't you the greatest weapon in the world, yes you are, yes you are!"
Sally and Noin were on a nearby grassy knoll looking up at the sky. "Hey, that looks like a Cancer," said Noin, pointing to a cloud.
"That one looks like a pocky," said Sally, pointing to another.
"Mmmm, pocky," says Noin. "Got one?"
"Nope, all out."
"Sally?"
"Yeah, Noin."
"What is with Wufei and that Gundam?"
"All guys like their machines. It's the way they are."
"Hmph," says Noin. "You are cutting Wufei too much slack."
"Me cutting Wufei slack? How about... "
"Don't start with me."
Sally rolled her eyes. Zechs was always a touchy subject to raise when talking with Noin, so she decided to skip it. "He's a teenager. They all go through this and this one can shoot flames and blow things up. Of course, there's going to be some major metal mania there. Don't tell me, Zechs doesn't like his machine."
"Well, all pilots like their machines to some extent. You take care of it, it takes care of you. What do you see in Wufei anyway?"
"Honestly?"
"Of course... "
"He's so... He's... How can I explain this? Have you ever read a really good book?"
"Yeah."
"Let's say that there's this amazing book that's part mystery, part tragedy, part comedy and part poetry. It'll take years to finish it if you ever do. Inside this book is not just one story but thousands of stories all interconnected to this main character named Wufei Chang. The problem is that it's not in your first language. Lets say that your first language is English but you took four years of another language, say, Chinese. After a while, you know a lot about Wufei, but because you didn't understand something near the beginning, it's only later you find out something about him that was there all along. The more you read, the more you understand."
"He's that fascinating to you?"
"Just as fascinating as Zechs is to you."
Noin turned a slight pink. "Yeah, but I don't think those guys find us as fascinating."
"Ah, yes, the eternal mismatch of desire. You either want them more than they want you or they want you more than you want them. Reminds me of what you told me about Alex and Mueller."
"Please don't remind me. You know what, Sally?"
"What?"
"It feels really good to talk to a woman for a change. Near Lake Victoria, almost every cadet there was a guy. I don't mean that they were bad or anything. In fact, I really cared about them and they were really nice. But it's nice to talk to someone who gets it, do you know what I mean? I mean I wouldn't even talk this openly with Zechs."
"Yeah, I know what you mean."
They looked back up at the sky. "That looks like a doughnut."
"That looks like a violin."
"Aaaarghhhh!" screamed Wufei as he fell from the ladder.
Sally and Noin jump up. Sally runs down the knoll and checks to see if Wufei is all right. "Are you all right?" said Sally.
"I suddenly... have this tremendous urge to duel with Treize. I must go now!"
Quatre runs across the field and says, "My uchuu no kokoro said that Wufei was in trouble! I came as quickly as I could."
Noin frowns and says, "Um, Quatre?"
"Yes?"
"Why are you wearing Trowa's pants?"
"Oh, the laundry must've gotten mixed up."
Sally and Noin throw each other knowing looks. Yeah, right.
Quatre closed his eyes and announced, "I sense magic, dreadful magic. So dreadful."
"Do not use the word ‘dreadful' again," said Sally.
Quatre looked peeved, then said, "There has been a spell cast on Wufei. I don't think it's within his best interest to go fight Treize under these circumstances."
"It's never in his best interest to fight Treize," said Noin. "He only gets his butt whipped."
"Kisama!" said Wufei. "It is up to me to decide what I do with my sword and only me!" With that, he climbed into his gundam.
"Wufei!" yelled Sally, then she turned to Quatre and said, "Delay him as much as possible. I think I know of one person who can possibly help us and even have a really good reason to help us!"
Noin widened her eyes. "You don't mean."
"Yes, Noin... "
Noin made a face. "Oh, I don't like your idea at all."
"Yes, the only one who can help us is Une! Come Noin, I've got a Harley and two helmets. Let's get going!"
"Understood!"
"You're so genki, Treize-sama," said Une.
"I am?"
"Why is that?"
"Isn't your presence enough?" said Treize.
Une smiles a big wide smile. When Treize is genki, all of him is genki. Une's nose threatens to bleed.
Treize then says, "I'll be in my office, looking over a few matters. Could you give this to General Crumbutter?" He handed her a briefcase then closed the door behind him and thought, Soon, you'll come and demand some justice. And I will be sure to give it to you.
There's a knock on Treize's door. "Come in," says Treize.
Zechs walks through the door. "Long time no see."
"Zechs, what are you doing here?"
"Oh, I was thinking that we could... "
"Sally?" said Noin as she held unto the woman's shoulders as they roared their way down the highway and unpaved roads to beat Wufei to his target.
"Yes, Noin."
"How did you find out about Une's magical abilities?"
"I knew her from military academy. There were quite a few sleepovers. Let me tell you, a bottle of really good cognac and Une make for an interesting evening."
Noin raised an eyebrow. "Sally? What have you been holding out on me?"
"What?"
Une is walking towards her car when she sees Noin holding unto Sally for dear life on a Harley. "What are you doing here? The guards should've shot you!" Noin looks Une up and down and says, "I'm a representative of Sanc, and I told the guards that I had meeting with Treize. I was about to tell you about something that affects Treize, but I guess you don't care. Bye, Une. Let's go, Sally."
"Wait! Tell me, what is this about Treize-sama?"
Sally and Noin look at each and realize they hadn't figured out exactly what to tell Une.
Sally turns to Noin and says, "You tell her."
"Oh, hell no. You tell her."
"Tell me what?!" says Une, looking extremely wroth.
"You see, Une, Treize-sama is yaoi."
Une blinks at them, then does the scariest thing. Her face starts to tremble, she smiles, then she tilts her head back and laughs as if she were crazy. (something is wrong with the previous sentence.) "My maple syrup-sama is not yaoi."
"He's under a spell." Yeah, a spell, thought Sally, sweat-dropping.
Une concentrated then said, "There IS a residual aura of spell casting around him. Something magical was done around him. I don't know why it escaped my attention." She frowned. "I owe you a debt of gratitude for bringing it to my attention."
"Wufei is also under a spell that he is yaoi and mad about Treize. He's coming right this way. You must release him from this spell."
Une scowls. "My sweetheart-sama keeps wanting to duel with him. He even has a little nickname for that little brat. What was it, little... little drag queen... "
"What?" Noin has a crazed vision of Wufei wearing a tiara, lipstick and a ball gown and starts to crack up.
"No, it was little dragon." says Une. What am I thinking, thought Une. A slightly beaten up looking Quatre and the rest of the pilots came driving up in a jeep. "I couldn't stop him. It's all my fault."
"I smell smoke," said Noin.
They turn to see Wufei's gundam and a hole in Treize's office.
"Treize-sama!" shrieks Une.
Treize gasps and watches as Wufei struts instead of scuttles off his Gundam. "Kisama, I am here to duel with you."
A voice from underneath the desk says, "Oh, great! Just bloody great!"
Wufei frowns. "Your desk just said something."
"Never mind the desk." Treize stands up, then realizes his fly is open. He quickly zips himself up.
Wufei blinked, then rubbed both his eyes. Why am I seeing sparkles and flowers around him? Why is my heart beating faster? Why... "Kisama... "
"Yes."
"I love you, Kisama!" yells Wufei. "Take off your clothes and be my uke!"
Treize sweatdrops and says, "What?"
There's a bump heard and "OWWWW!" then Zechs stands up from behind the desk and says, "Are you crazy?" He glared at his diminutive rival.
"Onna, I don't care to know what you were doing under that desk, but you may leave... " Wufei makes a dismissive gesture with his hand.
"I am a man!" yells Zechs. He walked over and looked down at Wufei.
"OK, then you can be my uke, too."
"You blasted fool! I'm Treize's seme, there's no way in hell I'm your uke!"
"That's just too bad. I'm the manliest person in this room!"
Zechs and Wufei then started to pummel each other and roll around on the floor, screaming that he and only he was the one to be seme.
This is not going well at all, Treize thought. While his boyfriend and potential boyfriend were trying to beat each other to death, he went into the adjoining bathroom and recited the incantation. He hears the following:
"The pathway to this particular god has been disconnected and is no longer in service. If you feel you have reached this recording in error, please hang up and recite again or talk to your spell caster. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep."
"Why that... " Then Treize proceeded to use language that was neither elegant nor allowed on the Cartoon Network. Then he thinks, I shall have to fix everything myself. He walks out to see Wufei putting a headlock on Zechs. He sighed and said, "Lets make it a threesome."
"Wufei Chang does not do threesomes!" Then Wufei yells, "Say it, I am the seme."
"I am the seme," says Zechs.
"KISAMA!"
"Why don't we make this a contest? You should both do a 69. The one who comes first is the uke," suggested Treize.
Zechs sniffed. It'll be easy, he thought, Wufei's probably a virgin so he'll come just like that.
Wufei sneered. Not only was he good at the martial arts, he'd become well-versed in the MARITAL arts. One of the lessons was how to keep on going. Zechs was going to be surprised.
Both men had taken off their pants and were about to pounce on each other. Treize did another happy hamster dance.
"TREIZE-SAMA! I've come to save you!"
Treize turned to see Une at the door. I absolutely hate your sense of timing, thought Treize. Behind her were Sally who was sweatdropping and Noin, whose eyes were bulging outwards. "ZECHS!" yelled Noin. "What are you doing!!!"
The gundam pilots were snickering and making, "Ahhhh, uuuuuhhhh," noises.
"It's obvious that these men were about to molest you." Une steps in between them and Treize. "I will protect you with my life."
"Une, I really don't need to be protected," said Treize.
"I know everything."
"You do?"
Sally and the gundam pilots roll their eyes. Noin is standing with her mouth open in a state of shock.
There's a small flash, then Une said, "You and Wufei are under someone's malicious enchantment. I will exercise my powers to lift it from you! I will make you non-yaoi."
Now, Zechs, upon hearing that, took a chair and threw it against the window because he didn't want to be there when Noin finally pulled her eyes back in her head and he didn't particularly want Une's spell to make him non-yaoi as well. But the chair bounced off the glass.
"I have put up a force field around this room. Nobody can leave until I accomplish my task!"
"Une, take down the force field. It's an order!" said Treize.
Noin finally found her tongue. "Zechs, put on your pants!"
Zechs did so sheepishly. Wufei however said, "I have nothing to be ashamed of."
Sally shook her head. The other G boys kept making silly, derisory noises.
"To accomplish this task, I need great spiritual energy to be created in this room."
"And how is that done?" said Quatre.
"You and your fellow pilots must do yaoi!" said Une. "The mutual appreciation of bishonen releases great spiritual energies."
"I didn't think yaoi was a verb," said Trowa before he was dragged behind the sofa by Quatre.
Heero and Duo proceeded to hide underneath the desk.
"Une, I was trying to raise great spiritual energy myself... " said Treize.
Noin pulled out a metallic cylinder with a crazed look on her face. "Is great spiritual energy created by shoving a beam saber into the deepest part of space?" She pressed a button and a light saber was erected. "You must duel with me, Treize!"
"Chi," said Sally. "Dueling with Treize is how this entire mess got started in the first place!"
Strange flame-like energies began to surround Une. "Yes, I can feel it now!"
"I'm feeling it, I'm feeling it!" moaned Duo from underneath the desk.
"Hn! Hn!"
"Trowa!"
"Quatre!"
"Trowa!"
"Quatre!"
"When it comes to sleeping with Zechs Marquise, there must be only one!" said Noin about to illuminate the darkness inside of Treize in the most painful way possible...
"Do not hurt one little skin cell on Treize-sama!" screamed Une.
"Where is the justice!" cries Noin.
"Don't be stealing my line!" cries Wufei.
Noin turns to Une and says, "I can hit Wufei right?"
"Hit him all you want," says Une.
Noin would have proceeded to damage his family jewels except that Sally restrained her from doing so. "You can't break them, they're mine!" yelled Sally. "He doesn't know what he's doing!"
"Onna!" screamed Wufei.
Treize chants a spell and the force field around the room is broken. "Run, Zechs, run!"
Zechs jumps out the window and lands safely since the room is on ground level.
"Come back here, blondie!" screams Noin. She ends up chasing Zechs all over the headquarter's majestic lawn and yes, her beam saber is still on.
Une turns to Treize. "Treize-sama, please do not resist my efforts."
Treize sighs and decides to admit the truth to Une. "Une, I am really sorry, but I am yaoi... "
"NO!" she howled. "I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT!"
Why does that sound familiar, thought Treize.
"I will now summon a god who is receptive to my wishes," said Une, then began praying for the appearance of a god. "Treize is mine! Treize is mine!"
Treize then began doing a counter-spell to keep a god from appearing. "I am yaoi! I am yaoi!" he chanted.
Both of them were so powerful and so stubborn about wanting their wish to come true that the they failed to notice the ball lightning and other evidences of impending doom buzzing about the room.
"Guys," yelled Sally. "Stop doing yaoi and get out of the room! Now!"
The G-boys hastily put on their pants. Sally turns to Wufei and says, "Wufei, we have to leave."
"I'm not leaving! I have yet to sheathe my blade into that man's flesh.... "
Sally turns to Heero, who nods. Heero then hits Wufei in the stomach, rendering him unconscious and carries him off.
They barely make it down the hall when an explosion rocks the entire headquarters.
"Sally! I've got some cars ready!" Noin said.
The G-boys pile into one car and drive off.
"Noin! Let me out!" is heard.
"You put Zechs in the trunk?" said Sally, appalled.
Noin nodded gleefully. "Yup! Handcuffed and hog-tied."
"Oh, Noin."
Noin pouted. "I put in some air holes."
Sally seatbelted the still out-cold pantless Wufei in the back and got into the driver's seat and began driving off.
"NOIN! Let me explain about Treize... " said the victim in the trunk.
Noin then started to blast the car stereo and begin singing:
Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey-ey, goodbye
He'll never love you,
the way that I love you
'Cause if he did, no no,
he wouldn't make you cryHe might be thrillin' baby
but a-my love
So dog-gone willin'
So kiss himGo on and kiss him goodbye, now
Na na na na, hey hey-ey, goodbye
Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey-ey, goodbye
Zechs groaned. Noin could be soooooooo stubborn.
A FEW HOURS LATER
Une was in her bedroom being tended by Dorothy. "Oh, Dorothy, I feel so weak."
"I heard about your fight with Treize. Do not worry, I will be doing yuri with Relena and Hilde in the next room, that should restore some powers to you... " cooed Dorothy. "I have asked the cook to make you a restorative chicken noodle soup with some magic herbs as well."
"You are so kind, Dorothy."
"It will take a while to recover," said Dorothy. "In the meantime, Treize might run off with... "
Une took her glasses and looked through the lenses at Dorothy with great amusement. "I don't think he'll be going anywhere anytime soon."
"I will win Wufei and Zechs back. After all, tomorrow is another day," says Treize, standing, looking into the distance out the window, in his hospital gown.
The nurse popped her head in and blinked. "Treize Khushrenada is a chibi?"
The End
(:./mk/everybody4)
