15-May-2001
Title: Vitality
Author: Kimmie (JaenKaeGW@hotmail.com)
Archive: GW Addiction, Silent Passion (strangeplaces.net/silentpassion)
Category: sap, light angst, shonen ai, POV
Pairings: 1+3
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, I mean no harm, I have no money... Stuff like that. Yeah.
Rating: PG
Warnings: None.
Spoilers: None.
Notes: Yet another 1+3 fic out of me! Can I be considered a successful convert? Same universe as all the others. Enjoy! Heero POV.
Ever had that feeling deep in the pit of your stomach that if you miss that one golden opportunity, you'll spend the rest of your life making up for it? I once thought that I had that. I found myself on the brink of what could be the most wonderful relationship of my life with my best friend and fellow ex-Gundam pilot and I knew that I had to be the one to take the plunge to make it. That feeling that I had right before I gave him that first kiss was like a 357 Magnum shell getting lodged in my abdomen while I jumped out of my Gundam while it was still in space, the vacuum relieving me of my air and my life. Then, I kissed him, and I knew I'd made the right choice and that I could face whatever came my way from then on and I could breathe. For once, really, truly breathe.
However, as much as I thought that embodied the hit-or-miss philosophy of love that I had, there are a million other moments that I find that give me the feeling of soaring through the air, then suddenly barreling toward the Earth. My decisions are my life or my death. I can pull away and hope to right myself. I can continue to barrel toward the ground and hope that it moves first. Or, I can let the wind capture me and embrace me and send me soaring once again.
I've always been a bit of a domineering person, it's true. I've been trained to accept orders and complete missions, but as soon as the war ended those few years ago, I sort of snapped out of it. I never did like submission to people whom I didn't feel that I could give my full, undivided trust to. There wasn't a point to it.
Of course, I now have problems with submission to the people that I *can* trust. Namely, Trowa. He means more than the world to me; more than the peace we worked so hard to get into even the fragile state that it's still in. Even if we have a third Eve war, I will fight with him by my side and I will fight *for* him. It is only for him that I put so much work into surviving... because he wants me to. He loves for me to wake up beside him. I don't want to deprive him of that for anything, especially not for my stupidity.
My stupidity seems to get in the way a lot. I do a lot of tremendously thoughtless things. If I'm angry about something, I usually just stomp out of the apartment, usually forgetting my keys and my wallet, and take a walk. Half the time, I don't get back until after midnight because I walk so far out while I'm thinking that it takes forever to walk back. I don't dare wake him when I forget my key. I need to remember to get a spare made to hide on the top of the doorframe or in the mailbox. But, when I never let him know why I'm angry and whether he did anything wrong, I think it gets to him... a lot.
He never says anything about it, though. He just wakes up the next morning without me there like the inconsiderate jerk I am, and comes and opens the door and brings in the paper, the milk, and then me. I've only woken up once when he was bringing me in because the neighbor's cat managed to escape her quarters and tripped him up. He simply flows like water when he moves. The resistance is there, but you don't notice it unless you really observe it.
But, when I'm being a jerk like that, I don't realize how vital he is to my existance. He really is the reason I live on. What else did I have to live for but his love? All of my friends who were too busy finding their way into their own relationships to remember to care about me? Peace summits? A dead-end job that I didn't even like because the excitement wasn't enough? It wasn't worth it if I didn't have love.
Hell! I didn't even realize it *was* love until he practically smacked me in the face one day with the fact that we were actually friends, and then I realized that we were only friends and there was something beyond that which I'd love to attempt to find with him. And, I found it. Correction: *we* found it.
I hurt him. I know that. If I didn't love him so much and know how much he cared for me, I'd leave. He'd be better off without me if I could be sure it wouldn't break his heart. But, it would. I saw the look on his face that one morning when he was carrying me back in.
I have to learn to adjust to it all. Because, I keep getting that feeling that I have to make a decision and everytime I make one, it seems to be the wrong one. So, I'll talk to him. What have I got to lose? Letting him know how I feel can't hurt him any worse than not doing so.
Maybe if I start leaving chocolates on his pillow... Oh, I'm pathetic. I'm a jerk, I can't be as wonderful as the love of my life, and he still wants me in his life. I wonder if he'd be offended if I got him therapy for his birthday. He loves me. He needs the therapy. But, I need it too. Perhaps we can have a group session on our anniversary.
I love him. I will change for him. I will make him the happiest guy in the world. I *will*. It's just a matter of figuring out where and how to begin.
Owari. -__-
(:./jennykim/moments7)
