21-Nov-2000
sigh. not one of my best efforts, i'm afraid, but one does what one must. this is spade's half-threatened / half-promised birthday fic. blame it on the wildness that was sugoicon.
DISCLAIMER: Sunrise, Bandai et al own GW, the American Dairy Farmers Association owns the phrase 'The Power of Cheese', and I own nothing. Suing would be pointless.
WARNINGS: OOC, language, PWP, cheese abuse, kinda squicky in spots
* = emphasis
/ = thoughts
Duo tipped the champagne bottle completely upside-down over his open mouth, but only a single drop fell out, hitting him on the nose. Blearily, he stared deep into the bottle. A minute passed, and then he blinked in sudden comprehension. /Shit! The bottle's empty!/
Letting the bottle fall, Duo walked unsteadily across the recpetion hall. Keeping one hand on the wall, he moved around the edge of the room, avoiding the flower-covered tables in the middle.
He kept his eyes locked on his goal --the staging area of the bar. Luckily, the bartender at the hotel was particularly lazy. He never noticed his supply of champagne was dimishing one bottle at a time over the course of the evening.
Finally, Duo reached the champagne stock. He grabbed a bottle and then, planning ahead, grabbed two more. He turned his head towards the dance floor and shuddered. The whole bridal party was out there, doing the... Hokey Pokey? He shuddered again, more violently. They would be coming for him soon.
Panicked, he whipped his head from side to side, braid snapping behind him. Good --no-one was looking. He quickly scrambled over the bar table, dropping to the other side. The table cloth hung to the floor, and the table itself was in a corner, so now he was safe, hidden from prying eyes. He clutched his champagne to his chest and giggled.
Duo shifted to a more comfortable position and froze in shock. There was another person already behind the table. Another person, also frozen in shock, and also clutching bottles of champange. Relena Peacecraft.
They stared at each other for a moment, and then Duo broke the silence. "Bitch."
"Trash."
"Whore."
"Scum."
"Stuck-up princess wannabe."
"Snotty little street rat."
Duo opened his mouth, and then closed it with a snap, slumping against the wall. "Fuck it. Like it really matters, anymore." He took a long drink from the bottle. From the corner of his eye, he could see Relena doing the same.
The next ten minutes passed in silence, each wrapped up in their own thoughts. Duo finished his bottle and threw it to the side. As he began opening the next one, he spoke without looking at Relena. "Did you see this coming? I mean, did you even *suspect* it?"
"No. Never. Never in a million years."
"Yeah, me neither."
Relena laughed. "You know, I *knew* he would never be mine. Deep down, I knew it. But I always, always thought the one he'd leave me for would be you."
Slowly, Duo turned his head to stare at her. "Really? That's what I always thought about you."
Relena looked startled. "Really?"
"Really."
They stared at each other a moment longer, and then clinked their bottles together in a slient toast of shared misery. They each took a few more drinks, and turned to face each other, speaking at the same time.
"Why *Cathy*?!"
Duo shook his head in disbelief. "I mean, I *guess* she's pretty. . ."
Relena snorted. "She looks as if she's been hit in the face with a shovel!"
"Oh, she's not *that* bad."
"Little hussy, prancing around in a bikini, bringing him soup..." Relena broke off to take a deep swallow from her bottle.
Duo raised an eyebrow. "Soup?"
"Oh, you men are suckers for girls with soup! It goes straight to your groin."
Duo began giggling. "Groin soup, groin soup, groin soup!"
"You're drunk!"
"As well I *should* be! This is the worst day of my life!"
"...mine, too."
They both fell into a morose silence until a raucous shout from the dance floor caught their attention. Relena poked her head over the top of the table and immediately fell back, clutching her eyes and shrieking. "Oh God, I'm blind, I'm blind!"
Duo crawled over to her and grabbed her wrists, stilling her violent rocking. "What? What is it?"
Relena lifted her hands from her eyes. "Cathy's standing on a table. And Heero... Heero's taking off her garter *with his teeth*!" She covered her eyes and moaned. "Oh it burns, it burns!"
Duo looked slightly ill himself. "What kind of tacky-ass wedding *is* this? Next thing you know, they'll be having a Dollar Dance."
Relena rolled over on to he stomach. "Oh, it's all so low-class! Just look at their 'hors d'oeuvres'!" She pulled a cheese tray out from under the table.
Duo looked at her.
"What? I was hungry. Anyway, just *look* at it! Colby, American, Pepperjack. In *cubes*. Could they possibly have picked anything *more* generic and bland?" She glared at the offending cheese.
Duo giggled again, truly amused at Relena's outraged expression. Feeling generous, he said "Well, if you had married him, at least everything would have been classy."
Relena blushed, and then smiled shyly. "Well, if *you* had married him, at least eveything would have been fun."
Now it was Duo who was outraged. "Well, I sure as hell wouldn't have had a *cash bar*! Can you believe it? What kind of tight-fisted bastard has a cash bar at his--"
Duo's rant was interrupted by a well-aimed cheese cube, hitting him right between the eyes. He glared at Relena, who was giggling behind her hands. "Don't start something you can't possibly win, Peacecraft."
Relena responded by flicking two more cubes at him in quick succession. Duo slowly, carefully removed them from his hair. "Pacifist my ass!" he yelled, lunging towards the cheese tray.
An all-out, no-holds-barred cheese war ensued. Although Duo was the better marksman, he was at a distinct disadvantage due to Relena's superior flicking speed. She managed to shoot three cubes for every one Duo shot.
Finally, the tray was empty, and they were both breathless with laughter and covered in chese chunks. Duo was sitting cross-legged, holding his ribs and wheezing, while Relena had tears streaming down her face as she shook with silent laughter.
Relena regained her composure first, and looked over at Duo who was still having trouble catching his breath. He was *covered* in cheese, with a large number of pieces stuck in his hair. Giggling again, Relena crawled over to him and began picking cheese off him.
Without really knowing why, Duo put his hands over her cheeks and pulled her close. Her mouth opened with a gasp, and Duo took advantage, pressing their lips together, darting his tongue inside her mouth. It was smaller than Heero's, but warm, so warm!
Their tongues twisted and fought, sliding around and against each other. Duo bit down on her lower lip, burying Relena's moan of pain under another bruising kiss. He tilted her head and began slowly, slowly making his way down her neck, licking, biting, sucking.
Relena's breath caught and she raised shaking hands to Duo's shoulders. "Duo? AH! What, what. . . are you doing?"
He swirled his tongue around her ear, and tugged the lobe with his teeth. "Kissing you?"
"Why?"
"Don't know." Scrape. Nuzzle. Bite. "Cheese makes me horny?"
"OH! Good enough!" Without warning, Relena threw herself at Duo, knocking him over on his back. Her hands roamed over his body frantically, before grabbing the tuxedo shirtfront and ripping it open, sending buttons flying across the floor.
Her hands skimmed over the heated skin of his chest in feather-light caresses, idle patterns. Suddenly, her nails raked across his abdomen as she captured a nipple in her mouth. Duo moaned deep in his throat as Relena suckled, her hand moving to pinch and pull his other nipple.
"AAHH!" Duo arched hisi back, and with a powerful move flipped them over, reversing their positions. He pulled brutally at the neckline of Relena's dress, baring her breats and pinning her arms to her sides. Breathing hotly, heavily, they stared at each other, until a wicked smile spread itself across Duo's face.
Grinning, he leaned forward and grabbed a handful of cheese cubes. He scattered them across Relena's chest, making sure to place a cube on each of her breasts. He bent over and began eating the cheese, Relena moaning wildly at the feel of his mouth on her skin, hot then wet, velvety then sharp.
Duo reached her breast, and took the nipple and cheese into his mouth at the same time. Using his tongue, he rolled the cheese around her nipple, pebbling it, making Relena's breath catch and stutter. She moaned again, deeply, as he slowly ate the cheese, the suction of it pulling, stretching, creating a painful sensation that was pure pleasure.
As Duo turned his attention to her other breast, he let his hand move up Relena's leg, snaking under her dress to the juncture of her thighs. He thrust his hand inside her panties, finding her hot and ready for him. With one sharp pull he ripped the panties off, throwing them to the side.
Duo gave her nipple one last sharp bite, and sat up. Grabbing a couple more cheese cubes, he slid down between her legs and pushed her dress up around her waist. With a wicked grin, he thrust the cheese inside her.
"DUO!" Relena screamed and arched off the ground, hips twitching at the utterly new sensation. Duo put his hands on her hips to still them. He slowly, seductively nibbled his way up her thighs, suddenly leaning in, using his talented tongue to retrieve the cheese.
"God God God!" Duo could hear Relena screaming as he worked his tongue in and out, around and over. Relena's breathing and trembling increased, Duo could feel it beneath the bruising grip of his hands. Swallowing the cheese, he pulled free and pushed his pants to his knees, moving in to penetrate Relena with one fluid stroke.
They were too hot, too close. Just three, four hard deep strokes and everything exploded, pleasure rippling through their bodies in a white-hot tsunami.
As his essence flooded Relena, Duo bit through his bottom lip and screamed. "HEERO!" He didn't even feel the welts Relena's nails left in his back as she arched one final time, Heero's name also leaving her throat in a keening cry.
Stunned and sated, Relena curled up against Duo, snuggling into his shoulder. "Well, that was the perfect ending to this whole tacky wedding," she said sleepily. "What could be more cliché than the best man sleeping with the maid of honor?" She yawned again and fell asleep.
Duo yawned as well, and looked at Relena, sleeping peacefully, his arm under her, holding her close. He managed one last coherent thought before he, too, fell asleep. /Damn! I'm going to have to chew my arm off at the shoulder if I want to leave in the morning./
And they slept on, the reflections from the disco ball dancing through their hair, bouncing across the crumbled cheese.
END END END
that's it. what did you think?
sorry about the citrus: i had to stop, i was squicking myself.
remember: not me. it's spade and sugoicon. *that's* who you need to talk to.
hyuy
slinking away
(:./hyuy/cheese)
